Rating: PG, but will change.
Disclaimer: I do own them, FedEx just shipped them to me today.
Thanks: Marlou is kinda like well, the Academy. EVERYONE thanks her. And I am no different. She catches EVERYTHING! Sheesh. So, thank you dearie for taking the time to beta and critique this for me!
She felt completely empty, a space, a void waiting to be filled. Needing to be filled. Hollow, alone and so uncomplete. And yet, yearning, wanting to be so very full and sated, wondering what she would do if the feeling was ever to abate. She'd be lost.
She didn't know why, but something told her that he was simply the only man who would ever work with her; the only man who was supposed to be with her. It was the end, the beginning, she didn't know what it was, but she did know it was something.
It was so simple, ignoring how beautiful she was, how perfect she was, for him. But if he only knew what she went through, just to love him without return.
It had began simple enough. She'd shown up on his doorstep in a moment of passion and had spoken before he'd even had a chance with formalities.
"I want you."
"I don't doubt that." The words were out of his mouth before his rational brain could tether them. They weren't condescending or conceited, he was simply acknowledging that he wasn't immune to her advances. "I don't doubt that you want me." He moved into his apartment and she followed, flinging the door shut behind her.
And then his words sunk in.
Sara stared at him, disbelief etching her features, creating the slight frown that tugged at her lips. His head, which until that moment, was turned to the side, whipped around to face her. "And please, don't doubt that I want you."
"You can't just tell me that."
His voice seemed to trivialize the words he spoke. He sounded condescending and irritated. She didn't care. She'd been pushed past her limit. And she wasn't planning on reigning in anytime soon.
"Well, it's true. But that doesn't mean that I can have you."
"I'm right here Grissom. I've always been right here." She was angry, but so very sad and confused that she couldn't pick an emotion to deal with. "If you say it's because of work, for what-"
His voice was rather loud when he countered her words.
"That's part of it. Stability Sara, I need stability in my life. I've lived so long with it that I don't know what I'd do without it." He hated having to say it all aloud, but it was the only way to make her understand. He couldn't simply float through, hoping that she would understand. It was time to lay it out.
"I tried it once, Sara. I tried it all. Back in Minneapolis. She was, she was everything. And believe me, I didn't work a fraction as much as I work now but that-" Grissom looked at his shoes, then back at her, cleared her throat and continued on with what he was saying.
"She loved me. I loved her. She cheated on me, twice. So I left her." Grissom wasn't sad, or upset, just... just stoic. "She loved me, though. Said that up to the day she moved out."
Sara, for her part, was completely dumbfounded. It was as if an elephant was sitting on her chest; she couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't move. But she felt the grief for him welling up inside of her. This was exactly why she would be so, so right for him. Every fiber of her being wished to lock up his pain inside of her, hide it away where it would never touch him again.
"I could never give you that, Sara. I have nothing to offer you." And he honestly believed that. For a person as complex and independant as Sara, he really had nothing to offer her. The depths of his emotions, he felt, were miniscule compared to hers. They'd never stand up against her love, her trust, her hope. And she did have hope, so much, just for him. It was heart wrenching and depressing and angering all at once.
And he didn't know why.
"You know, you're alot of things Grissom, but I never figured you for a coward. And I can't believe you'd think that of me. That I'd do that to you. I can't believe you." Excuses, excuses. She was sick of them, physically sick of them.
"You know nothing about me."
"But I want to know everything about you." She almost smiled but reigned it in; how cliche. "You don't get it, you really don't. I can't stop, I will never stop wanting you. I've never, jesus Grissom, this isn't a crush. You just, you reduce it to..." If she could have torn at her hair, she would have, but her fists were cleched too tight.
Energy surged through her, out of nowhere, and she began to pace. "You don't seem to understand this love thing." She poked at her skull when she said it. "It doesn't just disappear, it doesn't just go away and Griss, just so you know, I didn't just pick you out of a crowd and say 'Hmm, he looks good!' If you really had any idea what I've tried to do to make it, damn it, to make it stop..."
Her head fell and her hands relaxed and she mentally reviewed everything she had just said. "Jesus Christ, listen to me. I don't, no I shouldn't have to explain myself to you."
"You don't. You shouldn't. I'm sorry."
Her eyes blazed when she looked at him then. She moved to the door and looked back. "You're damn right. I don't need this anymore. You know, it was a mistake of me to come here. I just, I don't need this. I was all about getting things off of my chest, and up til now it's been good for me. But this is ridiculous. I don't owe you a damn thing."
He'd opened up to her, a grand gesture, but it just wasn't enough.
So she left.