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I remember the first time I realised I loved Severus. I was 15 years old, just before the…incident. It was during potions class, and we had been paired up to brew a fairly complex potion. All the other pairs in the class seemed to be struggling, were clumsy and confused. Not Severus. He moved with the fluid grace he always possessed, confidently and smoothly concocting the potion. I had little to do but take notes and watch him, knowing I would simply get in the way. It was the precise moment, when he looked up at me and said :
" This is the last time I carry you through this lesson Lupin," that I realised that I loved him. Do you want to know how? Because he had said that to me every lesson, yet the next one he was back again, doing the practical work while I took notes. And I knew that he would do the same the next lesson.
I knew it was not a crush. When ever I got a crush on someone, I was awkward, embarrassed, shy and uncomfortable. I have rarely been like that around Severus. I felt at ease with him, as if our personalities were made to slot together. And I was an equal. I was not one of Dumbledors charity cases (not that I did not appreciate it), I was not 'Moony' the werewolf and friend. I was Remus Lupin- a person. And I loved Severus even more for that.
Until Sirius broke that magic.
After that night, Severus refused to view me as anything other then a werewolf, openly feared and resented me. Looked down on me, and despised him.
But he still helped me pass potions…
When I saw him again, it was when I took up the DADA position. The hatred was still there, as was the contempt and resentment. And I was still the werewolf to him.
But he helped me work out my timetable and lesson plan for the first week, telling me :
"This is the last time I help you , Lupin".
And I realised that I still love him. He had changed from the skinny, dark haired and eyed boy , to a slender, dark haired and eyed man. He was still all points and angles, all long limbs and pale skin, and I still thought him beautiful.
Even when he ruined any chance I had for happiness at Hogwarts. But I did not blame him. After what happened with Pettigrew, I was even more of a werewolf to him then before, and I could not blame him for being scared, even though to some it may have looked like vindictiveness.
I still received the wolfs bane potion every month…
Whenever I saw him after that my heart ached for what it had hungered for, for many years. Every time I saw him, I had to fight the desire to pull him to me, to claim him and to love him. Each time I knew him to be going off on a mission that risked him life, I had to restrain myself from pleading with him not to go, to stay safe with me, to let me look after and protect him.
While spending the night at the headquarters , I woke in the middle of the night to the sound of something thudding downstairs. Grabbing my wand, I ventured downstairs, expecting to see the twins or Bill raiding the cupboards. Instead I saw Severus bleeding and beaten, trying to make his way up the stairs.
Without thinking, acting purely on instinct, I swooped him up in my arms, ignored his shocked protests and took him to my room, and placed him on the bed.
"Lupin what do you think you are doing! I need to write my report! Let me up!" Severus commanded, while struggling to get up. Not saying a word I simply push him back down, and began to undress him, to assess his injuries. Once again I was meet with protest.
"Lupin, get your hands off me NOW!" He demanded.
"No. You need to have your wounds tended too. Please, let me look after you…" I asked, once again starting to undress him, " you can report when you are healed. It wont take long."
To my surprise he let me. Maybe it was because he was tired. Or that he just did not want to fight. Either way, I quickly healed him, trying to control my anger at the injuries that I was uncovering. Broken bones, internal bleeding, bruises, cuts, sprains, all on that one pale body. It sickened me, that Severus had to go through his every time, and that people like Dumbledore and Moody allowed it. I had to keep myself in check, as I felt an animalistic growl begin to rumble in my belly.
When all his wounds were healed, I took my time redressing him, wanted to enjoy the freedom of being able to look and touch. As he lay there on my bed, passive and quiet I wanted nothing more then to take him in my arms and hold him. Just hold him.
Finishing my task, and noticing that Severus appeared to be almost asleep, I gently laid next to him on the bed, timidly putting my arm around his waist. And my head next to his shoulder. I was almost asleep my self, when I heard Severus say :
" Enjoy it while it lasts Lupin , it will be the one and only time," he murmured, before raising his hand, and placing it over my one around his waist. Smiling to myself, I raised my head, and did what felt natural;
I kissed him, and before I went to sleep, I uttered the words which I have longed to say since I was 15;
"I love you Severus…"
As I remember those times, I can not help but smile fondly, at both the sad and happy memories. Looking across the table, to the man I have loved for the past 89 years, I still feel the comfortable ache that was born in the potions classroom.
Severus is still slim, but his dark hair has faded to grey, his eyes softer with age. Still as graceful as ever, if a little slower, and still all points and angles, slightly worn down by time. I myself am much the same.
My hair is completely grey, my body soft and my face constantly bears an expression of absolute fulfilment. I have nothing missing from my life.
Shifting my gaze to the pictures hanging on the wall, I see our lives played out. Our first holiday together, the first day we moved in together, our commitment ceremony. The birth of our children; a girl Miya, 2 years later a boy Alec, and 10 years later another girl Carrie. The very last picture was taken only 2 months ago, when our 5th grandchild was born.
I smile once again, and this time Severus notices.
"What are you grinning about?" he asks , slightly curious.
Not really having an answer, I simply reach for his hand, and bring it to my lips.
"I love you Sev," I kiss into his thin skin.
He smiles and squeezes my hand saying "I love you too, you idiot". Hearing the pounding of shoes upstairs, and running down the stairs, Severus sighs and looks expectantly towards the door. Three seconds later it bursts open and :
"Grandpa! Can we go to the park PLEASE!" is sung by our 2nd and third youngest grandchildren Kathy and Amy , who were already ready to leave.
Heaving a melodramatic sigh, and trying to hide a smile, Severus stands up, and says :
"Ok, but this is the last time this weekend!" before getting his robe.
Both me and our grandchildren smile, because we both know what an empty comment that was…
I beg of you review. I will update other fics soon. Do you think I should write more, detailing aspects of their marriage? Brith of kids and grandkids etc…? I would love to do that, but only if there is interest. New story or a new chapter?