Part Nine

Three Months After the Shadow Moses Incident

He was near death, a shadow of the man he once was and certainly half the man he once was (but losing a limb or two would do that to you). He lay there, motionless yet conscious at the same time, on a cold, hard, unforgiving table that had a nasty lump just in the middle of his back – it was driving him nuts, but he could neither move nor signal to the many lab-coated denizens surrounding him on all sides, which was a pain (hey, at least his mind was as sharp as ever, if he could still make stinking puns). The spotlight shone down on him, blinding him from fully being able to identify those bustling at his sides. All he had was their voices...

"Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability... sadly, we're a bit tight on budget since Mr. Wise Guy to my right made the decision to invest in a robotic nurse. So, we're going to have to see what we can do with a couple of Bargain Bin limbs, industrial-grade pipe-cleaners and a Commodore 64."

"Hey, that's my Commodore!"

"Talk to the surgical glove, 'cause the face-mask ain't listening."

"Ohh, burn!"

"If we could please bring some decorum to this room...?"

"Huh? Uh, okay – what do you think about a pink, floral pattern for the walls?"

"Decorum, you dunce, not decorating. Can we please get started! Nurse – Scalpel!"

"Bidee-bidee-beep, sure thing Buck!"

"For the last time, it's Edwin – damn Wal Mart technology-aisle..."

Behind the mask, he rolled his eyes and wished himself deaf. It was going to be a long night...


Present Day

"...So then I was like, 'I'm going to shoot you fulla shots!' and Mantis was like, 'Ohh noes!, Again? Bullets are bad for my skin!' and I was like 'Lol, tough ti-'"

"Snake," groaned Otacon, "are you ever going to shut up and just get my groceries?! You've been telling me the same story seventeen times now – it was boring the first time!"

"It's not my fault," grouched Solid Snake, a dark scowl falling across his face, "it's just that this warehouse is so big! I swear it wasn't half the size on the outside – gasp!"

"What, Snake? And did you just actually say 'gasp'?"

"I've figured out this building's secret!"

"...You've been walking around in circles?"

"No, it's really a TARDIS!"

"A what? Oh, come on Snake, grow up! You're just walking around in circles!"

"It's bigger on the inside than the outside – amazing!"

"No, Snake... you're working in circles; I'm watching your signal going round and round that one stack of boxes."

There was a heavy silence as Snake trailed to a slow halt, scratching his chin.

"Y'know," he murmured finally, "I wondered why they seemed to stock so many Slim Jims..."

"I'm going now, Snake..."

"Fine, leave me like that! I don't need you anyway, with your 'anime' this and 'mecha' that and 'omg, Naruto!' It's pathetic..."

+Sure Is – Everyone Knows Bleach Is A Hundred Times Better.+

"Huh, thought you were leaving, Otacon?" Snake retorted acidly, "And what's with the sudden big voice? You trying to grow a pair?"

+Cute, But I'm Not Your Friend.+

"Huh? Where are you, then?" the agent whirled around, eyes wide as they scanned his surroundings.

+I'm All Around You, Snaaake.+

"...You're the Slim Jims?"

+Yes, Snake, I'm The Slim Jims – Have Some Sense, Will You?!+

"Well, you've got the temper, at least..."

There was a clatter of noise above him, but before Snake could look up, a figure crashed to the floor in front of him. An almalgam of flesh and metal struggled to its feet, turned on its heel (which was easier than you'd think, since its heels consisted of swivel-chair wheels) and glared balefully at Snake with eyes made from hot-red, plug-in nightlights shaped like snowmen.

+Why Couldn't I Have Just Stayed Dead...?+ it asked morosely. +Anything's Better Than Having To Listen To You...+

"Grey Fox...?"

+No, Santa Clause+

"Santa?!"

+Oh, I Give Up...+


Okay, short I know, but I'm having trouble keeping this story going – I might just wrap it up in the next part or two – what does everyone think of that?

Dave