One day, I decided that I would write an Amazing Piece of Roadtrip Fanficion involving the characters from FF9. Of course, there were no cars in FF9, which was supposed to add to the humor of the story, as the very premise behind it is impossible. Note my use of the past tense: it was SUPPOSED to. As it turned out, the characters themselves had a few things to say about my ideas.

"Ridiculous!" Steiner whined.

Freya seemed to agree. "A gasoline-powered automobile in a world where steam power is in its infancy?"

"So?" I asked in reply. "You didn't mind the bowling fanfic, and I don't recall seeing bowling in FF9."

"That's different. Bowling could have existed, requiring very little technology."

"It's a story, Freya. It's supposed to be a funny story. Roll with it, please?"

"Oh . . . very well."

Steiner just stomped a foot and crossed his arms, looking none too pleased with the idea but not quite annoyed enough to say something else.

"Can it have chromed wheels?" Zidane inquired. "The chicks dig chromed wheels."

Garnet smacked him upside the head for that, and added, "It should be comfortable."

"It have big fridge filled with frozen frogs!" Quina insisted, drool spewing forth as it wagged its giant tongue.

"It needs to be big, so we can ALL fit in it," Eiko reminded, with a pointed look at Amarant. "That means you, too, Ammy-boy."

"I'm not going."

"Yes you are!"

"I'm not and you can't make me."

I decided to intervene. "Will you go if I let you kill something along the way?"

The dreadlock-haired giant briefly considered, then nodded. "As long as I don't have to sit next to the horned devil."


"C-can I have a window seat?" Vivi pleaded.

"There's only one problem with all this," Freya interjected. "None of us know how to drive."

Well. That sucks. Crap . . . "Uh, yes you do."

"You can't do that."

"Yes, I can. I brought a car here, and I say you can drive it."

"It won't be believable."

"I'm talking to people that don't exist. It's not believable anyway."

"True . . ."

Steiner looked at his hands in horror. "I . . . don't exist?"

Ignoring the rust-clad knight, Zidane actually said something intelligent. "But that's different. You can change the setting, but if you change the characters too much, no one will read it."

Damn it. "Okay, I'll just take someone from one of my fanfics that knows how to drive."

Kabra suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "Hey, where's the car?"

Before I could figure out what kind of car it would be, I noticed that Quina was leaning towards Kabra. Using the power of author-ity (pun intended) I could hear its thoughts . . . 'Skin green . . . like frog . . . me so hungry . . ." Uh-oh.

Quina suddenly drew out its four-foot eating utensil, and Kabra screamed, "HOLY CRAP THAT'S A GIANT FORK! I'm outta here!" And he spontaneously disappeared himself. Makes no sense, I know.

"Ok, how about Shiva? She won't be scared of a giant fork." With a thought, the wolf-girl from Pandora's Cauldron appeared. Amarant's reaction was immediate; his face swelled up in hives, and he started sneezing. What the hell?

"I'm awuhgic ta dahgs," he explained with swollen lips.

"What was that?" Shiva demanded. "What did you just call me?"

"Uh dahg. Whu you gon' do 'bou ih?" Amarant mumbled aggressively, trying to extend his claws - but his hands were swollen, too.

"I'm a demihuman wolf, NOT a dog, and I'm gonna kick your allergic ass!"

"Sweet!" Zidane exclaimed. "Now I just need a bag of popcorn to eat while I watch!"

On second thought, maybe a slightly antagonistic she-wolf isn't such a good idea. Sorry, Shiva. You're already in another short story I'm writing anyway.

Shiva disappeared, while Amarant grumbled, "Ah coulda takeh huh . . ."

How about Sera? She's nice, and I don't think anyone's allergic to cats. Sera appeared, and all was well until she saw Freya. Then she crouched low and extended her claws, a predatory glint in her eye.

"Kittycat hungry for mousey!" she squealed as she pounced on the unsuspecting dragoon.

"Catfight!" Zidane yelled exuberantly, this time remembering to duck Garnet's fist. He forgot to jump over Eiko's foot, however, and he landed face-down on the ground.

Stereotypical, but not at all typically Sera. Man, what's wrong with everyone?

Sera disappeared, leaving Freya grappling with an invisible opponent. It was actually rather comical, though she didn't seem to think so.

"I'd appreciate it if you'd put a bit more thought into who you saddle us with," she politely requested as she straightened and dusted herself off.

"Alright. Now, for someone with no innate predatory instincts and no fur."

Aeron inexplicably appeared in the midst of everyone, eliciting a loud groan from Eiko. "When are you gonna give us someone we recognize instead of dumping YOUR characters in here?"

To which I replied, "You know anyone who can drive?"

"Yeah. What about you? Didn't you just take a one-day 480-mile road trip a week ago?"

"I'm the author. I'm not even supposed to be IN the story, still less a major part of it. As soon as I find a way to get you guys in a car, I'm out."

"That's stupid."

My reply to that was interrupted by Steiner's alarmed cry. "EEEVIL!" Everyone looked at him like he were a bit slow upstairs, so to speak. "Don't you see him? Kuja, Kuja is back! EEEVIILL!" he shrieked again, pointing at Aeron with one hand and drawing his sword with the other.

"Hey, now! What's your problem, man?" Aeron didn't know what was going on, but he knew what to do. Gathering a ball of darkness in his hand, he hurled it at Steiner. Shadow magic causes rapid decay in whatever it strikes, so . . . Steiner soon found himself in a suit of solid rust.

"HAHAHAHA!" Zidane squealed with laughter, falling down on his tailed backside. "Rusty! Oh, you're never gonna live this one down!"

So much for my characters. Aeron went away, and I tried to think of someone, ANYONE else that might be able to drive a car.

DreamCherry66: Crapmonkeys! Thanks for pointing that out; it's fixed now.

Galendra: Heh . . . you should visit a little message board I'm on. Everyone calls the freakish conglomeration of Fantasies final "Squeenix." Yes, my characters have ruined many a well-thought out plot resolution . . .

Robshi: Thank you - I've found out I like writing about madness and absurdity. Expect a good deal more of it . . . I like elipses . . .