The Cast of AVALON: Web of Magic Performs…
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD!
Narri: Hey ya'll! This is your lovely authoress, Narri-chan here, reporting from the top of a dangling sandbag rope high over the heads of our cast! Good thing I'm not scared of heights! n.n
Adriane: (hunting for an extension cord for the chainsaw) You are SO DEAD when I get up there!
Narri: Adriane is rather p.o.'ed at me right now, for obvious reasons…namely, I've been a bad girl in interfering with the cast's relationships. But HEY, what's the fun in being omnipotent if you can't even abuse it a little! (whispers) For example, if I really wanted, I could make it so Adriane wouldn't be after my blood anymore. But that's not as much fun, now is it? nn
Adriane: DEAD, y'hear me! DEAD!
Narri: Hey, Adriane, was he any good? nn
Narri: I thought so. (hollers down) Hey Ozzie? I'm a little preoccupied. How about setting up the next scene for me?
Ozzie: (munching a doughnut) Oh yeah? Why should I?
Narri: I'm going to get down from here eventually, y'know. Do the words 'electric razor' strike fear into your fuzzy little heart? n.n
Ozzie: Uhhm, yes ma'am! (scampers off) Everybody get to your places! Places, please! GahH!
Narri: It's good to be the omnipotence… (sighs) I have been greatly saddened. I thought that, in some more serious fics of mine ( whenever I get around to working on them again…although I wouldn't get my hopes up until summer break) that I would be the one to heat up Adriane and Zach's relationship! Y'know, beyond the usual fluff and stuff. (Not that I'm knocking it, Arte-chan!) But APPARENTLY, somebody had the same idea! (DUM-DUM-DUMMM…) Yes, I read that chapter of yer latest ficcie, Shadow Fox I-chan! And the worst part is…it was GOOD! (Of course, I don't expect any less from teh great Shadow Fox I-chan, but still…it stings….) Although it wasn't so much a lemon as mild lime-ness…but STILL! (sobs) I'm unoriginal now…not that my inner hormonal teen authoress will allow me to NOT continue spicing up their romantic lives…too bad for you poor shy little characters, isn't it? (huge grin)
Adriane: GO TO HELL!
Narri: Been there with an acquaintance of mine. It's quite nice in the summer. Do you happen to know a "Xellos Metallium"? My constantly-happy-and-unshakeable attitude is all thanks to his inspiration, as well! n.n
Adriane: Who #&! cares!
Narri: Temper, temper, or I'll have to raise the rating! And if I do that, guess who gets a second go in the broom closet? n.n
Adriane: "0.0" (frantically plugs in chainsaw and revvs it up)
Narri: Oh, don't TELL me you don't wanna! You know you want Zach! C'mon, you can say it, we all know! (winks)
Adriane: (tomato-red) DIIIEEE!
Dark Sorceress: (busily taking notes on Narri's expert torture-tactics)
Kara: Our second scene takes place at Grandma's cottage, a little hut in the back of the woods. It was a pleasant little hut, except for the fact that it happened to be filled with vermin and spiders and ominously-cawing blackbirds and the sun never shone there. But aside from that, yeah! Real nice place!
Spider Witch: One has to go to certain lengths to keep salespeople away, you know. I swore if ONE MORE salesperson came to the door trying to sell me some bug-be-gone spray, I'd smear him right off the face of the map!
Kara: n.n;; When the Big Bad Wolf reached grandma's house, he knew the lady's reputation pretty well, and decided eating her was not the thing to do.
Moonshadow: She'd probably taste like old roaches anyway.
Kara: So the Wolf had to think. This took a while, as thinking was not something that came easily to fairytale creatures in general. Why d'you think we have all these frog-kissing-princesses and idiots trying to climb glass hills, anyway? Puh-lease!
Kara: So after a good deal of thought, the Wolf went up to knock on Grandma's door.
(KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK)
The entirety of the cast is reduced to a giant giggle-fit as the terrifying, wicked, oh-so-EEEVUHL Spider Witch opens the door dressed in a frilly pink granny nightgown and cap. Hilarity ensues, closely followed by hysteria, and not until five minutes later is there any trace of sanity on the stage.
Narri: (still stuck on the rope) The Spider Witch did not retaliate, because I willed it so. (winks) Everybody's jealous of the omnipotence, now aren't they? n.n
Adriane: (desperately trying to figure out how to get above Narri to cut the rope)
Spider Witch: What the hell do you want? Didn't you see the 'no solicitors' sign?
Moonshadow: Forgive me, beautiful lady, for I couldn't help but to come. Are you by any chance the Spi…uhh, 'Grandma'?
Spider Witch: That's the name, don't wear it out! What's your business?
Moonshadow: I've come to inform you that you've just won (salesman voice) ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
In the background, Zach is walking around hitting the extras with a baseball bat to get them to do audience-cheering.
Spider Witch: Save it! I haven't entered any sweepstakes!
Moonshadow: Umm…in that case, you have been randomly selected to receive an ALL-EXPENSES-PAID CARRIBEAN CRUISE!
More forced audience-cheering, courtesy of Zach the warden. The extras' screams are getting increasingly less happy and more pained, and they begin to see the true horror of what it means to be an extra in one of Narri-chan's fics. Oh, the humanity…
Lyra: Zach, don't kill the extras.
Spider Witch: Look kid, can you picture ME in a BATHING SUIT?
Where there was laughter not 10 minutes ago, there is now much puking and disgusted muttering resounding from the cast.
Kara: This is TOTALLY scarring me for life… (gags)
Moonshadow: …Look, there's a huge special down at the Petsmart at 2'nd and Main. A Styrofoam carton of cockroaches, 2-for-a-dollar. But ya gotta leave now, it's only open 'til noon…
Spider Witch: WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO! I'M THERE! (blazing a trail of dust towards the town)
Kara: Good grief, Charlie Brown…
Emily: Well, now we know her big weakness…bribe her with live insects! …Ewww…
Dreamer: 'Probably could have gone my whole life without imagining what she's going to do with those crickets…
Ozzie: (turns green)
Kara: …Umm, right…upon tricking Grandma out of her cottage, the Big Bad Wolf slunk in and, donning an extra set of the old lady's p.j.'s-
Moonshadow: W-what? The nightgown! I thought I'd just, y'know…jump in the bed!
Kara: Nuh-uh buddy, you get the dress. And put on the frilly cap, too.
Kara: n.n Aww, how cute! So, climbing into bed and pulling the covers up to his chin-CHIN, Moonshadow, not over your head-the Big Bad Wolf lay in wait for Little Red Riding Hood to come.
Lyra: Good thing the bad guy is a wolf…if he were human, this would be just wrong.
Kara: So right! …He didn't have to wait long for Red Riding Hood, because he'd wasted so much time haggling with Grandma. So in a minute, Little Red came skipping up the path and knocked on Grandma's door herself.
Ozzie: DON'T DO IT, EMILY!
Ozzie: What! This is SCARY!
(KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK)
Emily: Grandma, are you home?
Lorren: (mutters) No, she's at the pet store gorging on live crickets. But that's not exactly polite conversation, now is it?
Moonshadow: (high squeaky voice) Come in, my dear! It's open!
Kara: So, proving once again that fairytale heroines have the brain power of moldy cheese, Little Red Riding Hood opened the door and came in. Going to her Grandmother's bedside, though, she thought something didn't look right…
Zach: It JUST MIGHT be the fact that her grandmother has turned into a huge black wolf…NAAHHH!
Emily: Hi Grandma! Mom ordered me to come visit you and bring you this basket of goodies! If they don't taste quite right, it's just, uh…because…Mom got the recipe wrong again! Yeah, that's it! But it's still good, REAL good. You should eat them all. Right now. Please.
Moonshadow: Uhhh, yeah…in a minute. First, come a little closer, so I can see you better.
Kara: As Red Riding Hood approached Grandma's bedside, she noticed something wasn't quite…normal…although I think HUMAN is the word we're looking for…about Grandma.
Emily: Oh, Grandma, what big ears you have!
Moonshadow: (Time for the painfully obvious logic lines) All the better to hear you with, my dear!
Emily: And Grandma, what big eyes you have!
Moonshadow: All the better to SEE you with, my dear!
Emily: And Grandma, what big-umm… (flips through script) What was the next line?
Kara: How on Earth could you forget THOSE lines! They're the most famous in the entire PLAY!
Lyra: (siiigh) Some people got it, some people don't…
Moonshadow: (out of patience) Why do I have such big TEETH, you ask! Why, the better to EAT you with, my dear!
Emily: EEEEEK! Oh, no! HELP!
Kara: As the Red Riding Hood ran from the Big Bad Wolf, the fact that no one is making snide comments about 'good thing Moonshadow isn't human' and the like lead us to believe that Adriane has finally done away with Narri.
Narri: (swinging back and forth a-la Tarzan to dodge the chainsaw) Actually, I thought Kyle would take care of the comments for me…
Adriane: GET DOWN HERE AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!
Narri: Zach certainly did, didn't he? n.n
Kara: Uhhh, yeah. Whatever. Just as the Wolf cornered Little Red Riding Hood, a nearby woodcutter heard her cries for help, and conquering his fear of the decorative skulls stuck on top of Grandma's picket fence, ran to investigate.
Kara: AND RAN OVER TO INVESTIGATE. (C'mon Kyle, that's your cue!)
A loud Tarzan scream echoes through the theater, triggering many pained screams and hands to be clapped over ears. All eyes turn to Narri (previously having amused herself by swinging around on the rope like the aforementioned King of the Jungle) who, in a sudden spell of genius, stupidity, and extreme irony, had let go of the rope to cover her ears and had fallen on top of Adriane, knocking the warrior unconscious.
Narri: Hey, that was lucky! n.n (looks around innocently) What? Wasn't ME.
A second loud scream splits through the air as Kyle, clad fully in his woodsman costume of old army boots and lederhosen, swings through the theater on a sandbag rope not unlike Narri's, landing gracefully in the bedroom set of the stage. Puffing out his chest and ignoring the facefaulting of his fellow indentured actors, he delivers the cliché hero's challenge.
Kyle: HALT, evildoer! (sexy grin)
Kara: …Oh, THIS should be good… (slaps forehead)
Under the circumstances, because they're on film, and because Kyle's ad-libbed heroic act sounds a heck of a lot more fun than Narri's original script, the other actors decide…what the hey! It's up in the air!...and decide to play along.
Emily: (enthusiastic for once) My HERO!
Moonshadow's turn to deliver the campy "villain's dialogue".
Moonshadow: Curses! (strikes a battle pose)
Narri: DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THE SCRIPT—
The 'lovely authoress' is seized by Kara and Zach and forcibly restrained, as Emily swoons onstage and Kyle and Moonshadow prepare for mock warfare.
Zach: Shhh, this is getting good! We haven't had a decent fight scene the entire play!
Narri: Maybe because it's a KID'S FAIRYTALE?
Kara: Then explain all your dirty jokes and stuff.
Narri: (sweatdrops) Well, I, uh…
Kara: (smug) That's what I thought. Now SHHH!
Narri: (mutters) Mutiny SHALL be punished! (evil glare)
Much jumping back and forth and "HI-YA!"-ing is taking place on stage. Kyle about has Moonshadow cornered, when suddenly the pack leader turns his brain back on and remembers he can turn to mist. Which, conveniently, he does.
Kyle: No fair cheating! pouts
Emily: (clasped hands) Oh, sir woodsman! Behind you!
Kyle turns around just in time to get tackled to the ground by the huge wolf.
Moonshadow: Do you surrender?
Kyle: NEVER! (yanks out Zach's elfin sword and forces the mistwolf off him)
Zach: (eyes popping) HEY! He has my sword! 0.0
Narri: Hrrrm, AVALON goes Lord of the Rings…that would actually work…(plotting top-speed in her head)
Kara: Don't EVEN think about it! . (gags Narri)
Moonshadow: NOW who's cheating!
Kyle: (smirks) You know you can't beat me! Surrender now, villain!
Because they can't drag this out much longer, Moonshadow turns to beat a hasty retreat, grudgingly delivering the cliché drag line…
Moonshadow: Curses! Foiled again! (runs out the door and turns into mist)
Narri: That was SO not how it was in the script! (sobs)
Zach: You'll get over it. This was better.
Narri: So mean…what did I ever do to you? (:(
Zach: Ya need a list?
Narri: Oh, you KNOW you didn't mind the closet thing.
Kara: Would everybody SHUT UP! I'm like, trying to HEAR!
Onstage, Kyle and Emily continue to skillfully slaughter Narri's script with the powers of improv.
Kyle: The creature is gone, milady! (bows)
Emily: Oh, my hero! (heartfelt embrace)
The entire cast watches awestruck in the wings as the two actors proceed to move from hugging to an unprecedented makeout.
Kara: EWWWWW! Emily and m-my BROTHER! That is…SO WRONG!
Narri: WOOT! (touchdown dance) I freakin' KNEW IT! AWWW, Arte-chan is gonna LOVE this! XD
All eyes turn suspiciously to the dancing authoress.
Lorren: Wait a moment…did YOU…?
Narri: Huh? N-no! That's why I'm rejoicing: this is totally COOL, man! It's their own free will! Y'get it?
Kara: It is NOT! cool!
Kyle: EXCUSE us!
Emily: Can we maybe get some PRIVACY, PLEASE?
Narri: Heheh…oh, sure! n-n (poofs the two into teh broom closet, and sighs) Awww, spring is here! The birdies are chirping, the flowers are blooming, and with teenage couples everywhere, love is in the air! Ain't it lovely?
Ozzie: I think you mean nauseating…(gags)
Adriane: (waking up) H…uh? What's going on? Where's…the authoress…? Did I get 'er?
Narri: - (smacks Adriane with a memory spell)
Adriane: Dude. What am I doing on the floor? Are we done with the first act yet…? Stupid authoress, can't get anything done on time…
Zach: 0.0 What did you DO?
Narri: Minor memory modification. She doesn't remember…it.
Narri: I know, it stings, doesn't it? n.n
Zach: (wanders off to slam his head repeatedly against a pillar)
Adriane: Huh? WHAT? What is it, WHAT don't I remember?
Narri: Nothing I won't have you do again eventually, don't worry!
All: (roll eyes)
Narri: Wrap us up, Miss Narrator!
Kara: 'Kay… Well, that ends the story of Little Red Riding Hood. The Big Bad Wolf was triumphantly vanquished by the Woodsman, Grandma blew up the Petsmart after the management threatened to call the cops if she didn't stop eating the crickets, and decided she liked it so much that she came out of retirement to go into the Evil Antagonist business. "Mom", discouraged that her rat poison scheme had been foiled, stubbornly continued to send Grandma various lethal solutions disguised as pastries and treats…she never caught on to the fact that Grandma's mutant DNA was too strong to be damaged by poison, and was repeatedly infuriated as the old woman made a habit of sending her thank-you cards for the goodies, always mentioning how delicious they were and how she enjoyed the "interesting taste". Little Red and the Woodsman dated for a few months and then got married, settled down and opened a veterinary clinic, and had lotsa kids and a ferret. The End.
All: YAAAAAAY! (clapping, hollering, other applause, etc.)
Narri: OMG…you LIKED it, you REALLY LIKED it! (sniffle sniffle) I'd like to thank all the LITTLE people who—
All: IT'S OVER! YAAAAAAAAAYYY! (continued applause)
Narri: T.T;; (twitch twitch)
WE NOW INTERRUPT YOU REGULARLY—SCHEDULED FANFIC TO BRING YOU THE DARK SORCERESS, SPIDER WITCH, AND THEIR ENTOURAGE OF MINOR BADDIES BEING CHASED BY FLUFFY PINK BUNNIES OF CUTENESS AND BARNEY THE DINOSAUR ™, ALL THE ANIMALS BEING CHASED BY A GIANT DOGCATCHER, AND ADRIANE AND ZACH MAKING OUT IN ANOTHER BROOM CLOSET. AGAIN.
Lorren: Good thing she forgot about us.
Kara: Yup! (grabs his arm) Take me home, Lorren.
Lorren: (bows) Yes, Princess!
Narri: Oh, they only THINK I forgot about them…I knew if I left out the last couple, they'd provide SOME kind of fluff. And—lo and behold, I was right! That's twice this month! n.n Well, this ends my little celebration of AVALON making it over the 100 mark! Ya'll gotta keep up, and maybe by NEXT year, we'll make it to 200! Okies? And I've been asked if I care if others do the fairytale thing themselves. NAAHHH, I don't mind! I'm just happy I had a good idea! (blows Jadey a kiss) Now, ya'll be nice and review! (winks, waves) JA-AAA!