Greetings all, here's a little something that had me laughing. Hopefully you'll think it's entertaining also!
Case Number: 79-26552
Division: Zebra Unit, Metropolitan
Officer(s) on case: Detectives David Starsky and Ken Hutchinson
Offence Classification: Assault
Secondary Classification: Robbery
Address of Occurrence: 314 13th St
Date of Occurrence: 18 June '77
Time in Military: 1300
Name: Allison Page
Address: 781 Sunset (the yellow house on the left)
Weight: 200 lbs
Eye Color: brown
Hair Color: brown
Specific Location of Injury: Sidewalk
Nature of Injuries: hit on face
Weapon Used: knife
Type of Property Damage: N/A
Means of Entry: N/A
At 1:00 pm, Detective Hutchinson and I were questioning a reliable source when we heard the desperate shrieks of a young woman in trouble. Dropping the lunch I had just paid 2.52 for without second thought, we rushed down the street towards the noise.
At 1:01 pm, we arrived at the scene to find a guy built like a quarter-back trying to take away a young, attractive blonde woman's purse. He was trying to threaten her with a knife. Ignoring the impending danger, I dove heroically at the large man, successfully tackling him to the ground as my partner saw to the aide of the victim. The guy was stunned, but quickly recovered and sucker punched me before he took off down the street. Ignoring the crippling pain in my stomach, I lurched to my feet and dashed to my red and white striped Ford Gran Torino. Hutch followed the perpetrator on foot. Civilians were gathered around the young woman, offering her assistance. She was wearing a pretty orange sundress.
At 1:05 pm, my flashy red Torino fish tailed around the corner of 6th and Vine. The perp was cornered at the end of the alley and looking pretty desperate. I spilled onto the sidewalk as Hutch came barreling around the corner, yelling something about 'not waiting for him'. Obviously, he was talking about the perp we were chasing. We both ran down the alley and cornered the bad guy who was almost twice our size. He was standing with his back to the wall, holding his knife out in front of him. Hutch and I pulled out our guns as we approached and aimed at the man to stop him from trying to run away again. He threatened for us not to come any closer, but I called his bluff. Hutch was right behind me, doing what he does best, and I was not afraid at all. I pulled out my handcuffs and walked confidently towards the guy as Hutch kept a bead on him.
At 1:06 pm, the perp startled me by throwing his knife karate-style at my partner. Loyally, I turned and rushed to make sure Hutch had not received a fatal wound. At the same time, the perp leapt onto the fire escape above him and started climbing like Spiderman straight up the side of the building. The knife was lodged in Hutch's arm and he was bleeding, so I expertly removed the blade and sacrificed my favorite blue shirt to use as a pressure bandage. Hutch informed me that he wound was not that bad and together we took off after the suspect.
At 1:08 pm, we reached the building's roof. The suspect was just getting to the opposite side and looking to escape. I pulled my gun as Hutch ducked behind a large air vent to cover me. I shouted for the suspect to freeze and surrender. Instead of using common sense, that crazy lunatic jumped to the roof of the neighboring building. I thought that this guy had to be strung out on something as I followed in pursuit. Hutch followed me. Despite my extreme hatred of heights, I valiantly leaped after the perp and landed hard on the rooftop. I got my jeans dirty when I landed in pigeon dung.
At 1:09 pm, I flushed the suspect from his pathetic hiding place and chased him back across the roof in the direction we had come from. This time, he was cornered, because Hutch was still on the first roof and aiming his gun at the perp. He quickly surrendered due to my skillful intimidation tactics and strong physique. I handcuffed him and we led him back to my Ford Gran Torino. Hutch read him the rights.
Captain Harold Dobey let the papers fall from his hands and land on his desk. He closed his eyes, squeezing them shut, and let out a long-suffering sigh.
Who the hell taught that boy how to write case reports!
'He quickly surrendered due to my skillful intimidation tactics and strong physique.'!
Dobey rubbed his hand down his face, trying to ease the tension building there.