Notes: This story is Ino/Lee, a pairing which I honestly don't give a flying fuck about. It's sort of a humorous challenge that lodged in my brain. There will be assorted swearing and sexual references, which means I'll say 'fuck' a lot and there'll be badly-written smut. Oh, and I don't own Naruto and don't really care to. So there.

"Laid"

Part the Fifth:

In which Tenten fails to kill Ino all the way.

As I seemed utterly doomed to spend time with Team Gai in the nearly-buff, I didn't bother to dress, even after I stopped screaming.

"What are you doing here?" I panted, staring at Tenten with scarcely disguised alarm. I was fully aware of the precariousness of my situation, here. Sure, Tenten's a nice girl but she's got the territoriality issues of a rabid tomcat. She jealously guards her menfolk, even the ones she's not romantically interested in. And since Lee's an idiot with a big mouth, it was fairly certain that Tenten wasn't here on a social call.

"I was just stopping by to thank you for the hospitality you showed my teammate last night," Tenten told me, still smiling pleasantly. It was horrifying.

I suddenly recollected an anecdote Sakura had relayed from a shift she pulled at the hospital, where she'd set two broken femurs and popped an arm back into joint for a girl who'd had the temerity to try and use Lee as a way to get close to Neji. Tenten didn't play nice when other people – even friends occasionally – violated her territory.

"Oh, god," I mumbled, realizing fully that there wasn't much of a way out of this for me. And I'd have a hard time explaining to Daddy why I was laid up at the hospital in a full-body cast.

"Oh, don't worry, Ino," Tenten responded. "He made it back home alright, despite his . . . condition."

Holy fuck, I thought. Is she pissed because I got Lee hot and bothered, or because I sent him home before he got laid?

"But I know you must have had everyone's best interests in mind when you sent the boys home last night," Tenten continued. "From what I could get out of Lee, it was a confusing night for everyone involved."

"Well, Neji got an eyeful!" I blurted before indulging in a panic-stricken giggle. Divert the attention of the predator! the primitive portion of my brain shrieked at me.

Tenten paused and blinked at me. Her gaze dipped southward, then returned to my face. "Yes, I can see that."

It was difficult to gauge her mood at this point, so I simply barreled ahead. "If it helps at all, I didn't mean to horn in on your turf, Tenten."

Tenten frowned. "Wait. What?"

"Well, he was the one who kissed me first," I noted, talking fast. "And things just got out of control from there . . ."

"You kissed Neji too!" the other girl bellowed. "How the fuck did that happen!"

"Not Neji!" I shouted. "Lee!"

Tenten stared and fell silent.

She didn't disembowel me with her teeth, or even throw her pointy kunai at me.

"Er, I guess he didn't tell you?" I gave a sheepish smile.

Tenten began to laugh. "Oh, Lee. Nah, I knew about that already."

"Wha . . . how! We only started making out yesterday?"

"Ah, but you invited him to yesterday's lunch three days ago," Tenten countered. "And he told me about it and he had this goofy smile and I figured he must like you or something."

"He doesn't even know me!"

"Since when has that mattered?" Tenten replied airily. "He was in love with Sakura for years based on a single meeting when he was fourteen. What kind of fucked up logic was that?"

I had to admit that Lee doesn't have the greatest mate-selection process.

"So," Tenten continued. "I'm basically here to find out what your intentions toward Lee are."

I winced involuntarily.

"That's not the correct answer," Tenten warned, gesturing with her kunai.

"I don't really have any intentions," I said quickly. "This whole thing just sort of . . . happened. I mean, he's a complete lunatic, but holy crap, the boy knows how to use his tongue."

Tenten smiled dreamily. "Yeah, that's true."

"So, yeah. No 'intentions.'"

"Well, that's alright, I guess." Tenten said. "I don't care as long as you aren't trying to use him to get into Neji's pants."

"Eeew. No." I wrinkled my nose. "No offense to you or your teammate, but Neji's a bit of a skank."

Tenten rolled he eyes. "Yeah, but some girls fall for his whole 'abused genius scion of a repressed Clan' schtick."

"Sakura did," I noted.

"Sakura's never been known for her stellar taste in men," Tenten replied.

"True," I agreed complacently, relieved that Tenten wasn't about to kill me for seducing her favorite French kisser. "Oh, wait. Aren't you dating Neji? I mean, is it okay for you to call him a skank?"

"'Dating' is such a restrictive term," Tenten proclaimed, gesturing grandly with the kunai that now seemed much less terrifying. "In reality, yes, I'm about the closest he has to a girlfriend, but I certainly don't get a lot of action out of it."

"Eh?"

"Neji's a bit of a slut because he's terrified someone will find out that he's, you know, that way." She fluttered her eyelashes and gave a limp-wristed sort of wave. "I try to keep an eye on him because whenever he gets drunk he either goes out and picks up girls at a bar or sits home and writes weepy love poetry to Shino which he fortunately never sends."

"Shino's gay?"

"Not so much," Tenten replied wryly.

I decided that this was about as much information as I needed about the inter-workings of Team Gai. "Yikes," I mumbled.

"Yeah," said Tenten. "Anyway, I should probably let you put clothes on, since you look either cold or rather more into me than I'd previously suspected." She eyed my nipples curiously.

I pulled the sheet up to cover my chest. "Just a chill," I reassured her.

Tenten stood up and finally resheathed her kunai. "Well, I guess I'll be seeing you later, then." She moved toward my doorway. "You should join our team lunches sometime. Gai-sensei makes a mean paella."

I tried not to think of Gai's culinary skills and instead blurted out the question that had been running through the brain of every gossip in Konoha. "So that means you're fair game for all the single shinobi who ask about you?"

"Well . . ." Tenten paused. "I suppose, though I've been taking a lot of missions to Sand lately and holy fuck, I've found my soul-mate."

"Temari?" I asked hopefully, still feeling righteous fury over her invasion of the sanctity of my team.

"Eew, gross," Tenten denied. "Nah, Kankurou. I'm a sucker for a guy with makeup who's even better with chakra strings than I am. Too bad he's such a cockmonger." She paused with a thoughtful expression on her face. "Maybe I ought to set him up with Neji and maybe get some hot threesome nookie out of it . . ."

"Eew, gross," I said.

Tenten gave me a grin. "To each her own, I guess. Anyway. Catch you later, Ino." She gave me a lazy wave. "Oh, and if you hurt Lee's feelings I'll rip all your pretty blonde hair out and knit a sweater out of it. Then I'll break both your legs. Ciao, darling!"

As she breezed out, I decided that perhaps it would just be best to sleep all day.

This plan was foiled when Sakura staggered into my bedroom twenty minutes later with a black eye and what looked like bite marks on her arm. She looked more dazed than usual.

"What the hell did I do last night, Ino?" she asked plaintively. "Tenten woke me up this morning, and not in a good way."

"You picked up Neji in a bar."

"Oh," said Sakura. "Okay. That makes sense then."

She staggered back out. "Please don't ever let me drink again," she mumbled.

The slam of her bedroom door was almost immediately followed by energetic knocking on the apartment door, and I wondered when this exciting comedy of insanity would end. I belted on a short robe and slunk out to answer the door.

"Ino-san!" Lee looked far to bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for 6:30 am.

"Oh, god," I moaned.

"You're looking lovely this morning, Ino-san!" he said as he thrust an enormous bouquet of wildflowers at me.

I graciously accepted the bouquet and tossed it on the sofa. "You're up early," I murmured.

"I heard that Tenten was coming to visit you this morning and I wanted to make sure you didn't need help getting to the hospital!" Lee seemed far too calm about this statement. We'd need to work on his ability to take the possibility of my maiming in stride.

"She just wanted to talk," I told him, ushering him into the apartment. "And beat up Sakura, but Sakura's doing alright now."

Lee plopped down onto the chair with the pillows. "That's good. Sakura-san probably didn't know any better. About Neji, I mean."

I sat down on the sofa and stared at him.

He beamed at me.

"So . . ." I began.

"Sakura-san's here, then?" Lee asked.

"Er, yeah," I replied, nodding my head in the direction of her room. "I think she's sleeping off last night. And probably icing her eye."

Lee continued to smile. "I wouldn't want to disturb her," he noted politely.

"Eh, she'll be passed out soon enough," I told him. "We're just talking, and not that loudly either."

"Yeah, but I hear that when two people indulge in their youthful passions, the noise can get excessive at times." His eyes sparkled.

"Wha?"

"Want to come over to my place to shag, Ino-san?" he asked.

"Bwah?" I blinked. "What, NOW!"

He nodded.

I thought it over. Very quickly. "Sure!"


Author's Note: NejiTenKank OT3!111111eleven chokes and dies Anyway. Sorry this chapter didn't go anywhere. I got caught up in humorous speculations about characters. More Lee next time! I swear!