Ok this is my first slash fic EVER much less my first Spander. Anyway I own nothing like everyone else on this site so I hope you like this tell me whatcha think or don't I don't really care anymore. Anyway hope you like it. ttfn.




I think too much, which gets me into trouble sometimes. I think about all kinds of things like is there a God, why is there so much bad things in the world, why is the sky blue, you know stuff like that.

But these days I'm thinking of a certain blond vampire that's sitting on my couch watching T.V.

His bright blue eyes shining with hidden pain and hidden love. Spike loves someone deeply, madly, painfully.

Who he loves I don't know, thinking about it makes my heart swell with hope, then reality kicks in and I know Spike will never want someone like me. I'm just Xander Harris why would Spike want someone as pathetic as me when he could have anyone he wanted.

He knows I'm watching him, he's started fidgeting nervously, he's so cute when he does that.

"See something you like pet?" he asks casting me a shy glance.

'Yes you' I wanted to say 'Go on say it'. "Just wanted to know if you wanted a beer" I said as discreetly as I could.

He smiles at me and my knees turn to jell-o. But looking into his eyes I saw all the pain he held dear to his heart. Love's a heavy burden if not shared everyone knew that.

He nods and I turn to get him a beer. When I come back into the room he's staring down at the floor looking like he's about to break down and sob.

'Help him you love him you have to tell him before its too late' my thoughts raged.

I sat next to him but said nothing and handed him the beer. He took it thankfully and gave me a shy smile. I frowned and looked down at my unopened beer.

"Something wrong Xan" his voice full of unshed tears.

'Say something you'll never know until you make a move, dammit you idiot do something' I remained silent as I looked over at the beautiful vampire beside me.

'I think that sometimes I'll go insane if he's not near me'


'I knew from the first time I saw him there'd be no other'

"Xan you ok?"

'In think I'll die when he finds the one he loves'

"Xander, earth to Xander, anyone in there?"

'I think I love him'

"Hey Xand" Spike yells and I get knocked back into reality.

"Huh what?" I ask him

"You kinda went off into Xanderland you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah I'm ok I was just thinking" I explained.

Spike nods and I went to say something but stopped short. "What?" Spike asks me.

'Kiss him now' I couldn't help it, I leaned forward and gently caught his lips with mine. He didn't answer at first but before I could pull away he snaked his hands into my hair and brought me closer to him.

The kiss was slow and gentle, innocent in a way. We both had waited so long for this that we weren't going to screw it up now.

I pulled back and Spike smiled shyly at me again and I noticed one tear had fallen from his bright blue eyes. I leaned forward and gently kissed it away. "I love you" I whispered in his ear. "I love you too Xander" he said as he crushed our lips together again.

He's all I can think about these days.