I don't own any of the O.C. characters which is such a shame because they rock!

This is my favourite episode of the second season and Kelly Rowan did such a great job that I was inspired to write this diary entry for Kirsten.


Saturday December 25th 2004

Christmas Day

Dear diary,

I wish I could say that today was like any other Chrismukkah, as Seth would call it, but in Newport Beach that isn't possible. A normal Chrismukkah for us would be eight days of presents followed by one day of many presents and watching a movie which Seth is sure I will fall asleep to. As different as last year was with the arrival of Ryan, my new son, right now after today, I want that day back.

Chrismukkah started off like any other, we got the tree and awkwardly brought it into the house as Seth naturally looked on offering no help whatsoever. The whole debacle with my father and his trial etc had made Sandy rather stressed and down in the dumps to use an old phrase. But hey, Chrismukkah is always stressful; last year my father and husband were at each others necks over the Balboa heights and it was settled that night. Now this.

During the last year and a half I have come to realise that my father was no above board and that he could do anything and everything you could think of. Today that boundary was crossed yet again.

Ryan and Seth had invited Jimmy, Marissa, Summer and Lindsay whereas I had to invite my father and Julie Cooper, my step-mother. God I cringe at that thought. My step-mother! Well, everyone arrived in close succession to each other but when I went to put something in the fridge, I can't remember what; Julie and Jimmy seemed to break away abruptly. I think something is going on between them for they seemed kinda jittery. Shit, I'm talking about my step-mother and ex-boyfriend while I'm locked in my closet. Get a grip stupid!

I guess I should tell how I ended up locked in my closet huh?

When Lindsay arrived she was Renee Wheeler's daughter, Ryan's lab partner, Seth's friend from school but when she left she was my sister. Yes, my sister. It's kinda easier to write than to actually say to be honest. Well anyway, shortly after Lindsay arrived, Renee came and strangely asked to talk to me, which albeit strange, I kinda felt it coming. From where? I don't know. Then she said that what she was about to say should come from Caleb, my father. Just then he and Sandy came in and then the kids. Lindsay asked the question that was on everyone's mind, "Why was she here?" Then my father answered.

Sixteen years ago he made an 'error'.

An error? Fuck that doesn't even begin to describe what he did. He had an affair with Renee resulting in the birth of Lindsay. I was devastated. Hell, that word doesn't even begin to describe how it felt. When he approached me I slapped him. I slapped him, I slapped my father. I told him to get out and I left followed by Sandy.

The next couple of seconds are a blur of anger, all I remember is yelling at Sandy for knowing and not telling me due to lawyer/client privilege. I remember saying that I didn't want to see my father again and I called him a son of a bitch. Sandy held me back preventing me from killing him. So I did the next best thing, I grabbed the vase behind me and threw it at his head. He ducked out of the way and it smashed off the wall. Looking at him, I had anger and betrayal written all over me. I wanted to get away from him, I ran into the closet and locked it and I have remained here since. Sandy tried to get me to come out but I crumpled to the floor against the door and cried oblivious that the calls outside the door.

How could he have done that? How could be have cheated on my mom? Didn't he love her? Of course he didn't, Caleb Nichol doesn't love anybody but himself. He has never loved me.

I can't help but wonder if mom knew about this or knew about Lindsay. Did she ever wonder where he was? I can't help but wonder if Renee was pregnant with my father's daughter while I was pregnant with his grandson? I mean they are the same age so wasn't she?

I used to think my parent's marriage was perfect. Obviously I was wrong. Yes they had fights but they made up . . . just like me and Sandy, only I hope that it doesn't lead to one of us having an affair. I love Sandy so much it isn't funny and I would never consider or even think about being with another man when I'm married to the perfect one.

Why did Sandy not tell me? I know, he had to follow attorney/client privilege but 'Caleb' cheated on my mom and I have a sister I've never known who is the same age as my sons and step-sister Marissa. My life is one big mess at the moment and less than a few hours ago, I had everything figured out. Now? I have sixteen year old half sister and I am curled up next to my shoe rack in my closet writing in my diary or journal or whatever this is called.

A while ago, I don't know how long ago, Sandy knocked on the door. Knowing it was him I kept silent, still trying to piece the puzzle that is my life and add a couple more 'x's to the unsolvable equation that is my life. In other words I was adding two and two together and ending up with four but I knew there was something wrong with that answer. I knew it was not that simple, two and two just can't be four. It is far more complicated than simple addition. Back to Sandy, all I said was that I would like a power bar or something slid under the door because I was sure as hell not opening the door, I wanted to though. I wanted to open the door and fall into Sandy's arms and tell him how much I hate 'Caleb' for doing this to my mom, to me and to Lindsay. But I'm not letting him in and for that reason I am still in my closet.

I called him 'Caleb', not 'father' or 'dad'. That's because right now as I write this, he does not feel like my dad because my dad would not have had an affair and do this to my mother and me. He kept bitching about Ryan and to be honest so did I but I quickly got to know him and he's now my son, so that would make him his grandson. Wouldn't it?

Shit! Why does he have to be such a stubborn asshole? God Kirsten, why ask a question when no-one can give a fucking answer!

I don't know what I'm gonna do when I get out of this closet, but one thing is certain, I'm gonna fall into Sandy's arms and hold him like grim death. I love him, he's my rock, he keeps me sane and he is my main reason to live. I can't say or write or much I love him enough.

At times I feel like I live in a soap opera but in those, guys like Sandy don't exist. Hell, even in those, men like my father don't exist; they would be too over the top. But this is my life and I told my sister . . . Hailey, last year that I loved it, but now . . . there is one aspect I'm not so sure of . . . my relationship with Caleb Nichol, my father.

Until the next family crisis, next week probably,


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