Agents Regina and Berouge
(AN: if I owned Phantom of the Opera, I would be an old, dead French man, Andy would be currently performing in Spamalot, and there wouldn't be a need for this piece. Likewise I do not own the PPC (that's Jay and Acacia), the song itself, (I own the parody, nothing more. Paul Williams owns Goodbye, Eddie, Goodbye, the basis of the parody.), Agent Berou, or a puppet of any kind. Adele is mine and so is Agent Regina, however someone can borrow (permanently) Adele any time.
In the beginning, there was Gaston Leroux and he created a novel of surpassing greatness. It inspired many to read about a masked man named Erik and his love for a soprano named Christine. But Christine loved another better than Erik, Raoul, a Vicomte of surpassing beauty, charm, and wealth. Many hormonal teenagers who fantasized about being a character who would heal Erik's wounds read the story. It was not the first to inspire Mary sues, but in the year 2005, it became one of the greatest populations of original characters in a Canon setting. Thus the PPC, who were created to deal with such things, created a branch of agents, the Department of culture, under the supervision of Madame orchid. This is the story about that branch.
Agent Regina spun round in her chair. Her best friend and now partner, Agent Berouge, stood, looking at the decorating job Reg had done. All in all, it turned out pretty well considering the fact she only had one thin brush and a bucket of a sickly yellow-green paint. The grellow paint actually looked neat when someone had only done little dots of it on a grey stone colored wall. But that wasn't the only thing going through Berou's mind. Most of her brain was concerned with the fact that Reg had written her a desperate email, asked her to meet her in front of an old second-hand bookshop. She had complied and after arriving, found herself whisked off to a building that had a sign saying, "PPC: Don't Worry, We're All Insane." Berou privately thought that was true in her friend's case as she dragged her off to an office with a telepathic orchid in a dress. She still didn't understand why Reg had brought her here. She was brought out of her revelry by Agent Regina's stopping her twirling and staring intently at the computer screen on the only desk in the room.
Berou cleared her throat. "Why am I here, Reg?"
Reg looked at her. "You are here in the top secret headquarters of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. The reason why is a bit more complex." She went back to staring at the computer, occasionally pressing a few buttons. " You are here because I needed a partner who could deal with working the Phantom fandom and remain sane. I am pretty sure you haven't read the books or seen any of the movies, but you are mentally stable person, unlike my former partner."
"Former partner? How long have you worked here, Reg?" Berou asked, cautiously.
Agent Regina smiled. It was not a smile of joy. "My Former partner couldn't stomach the thought of Christine marrying Raoul and him not being an abusive, controlling man. She went insane after being forced to go through therapy with me as her counselor. That was after she attempted to kill Raoul so Christine would marry Erik. I have worked here," she glanced at her wrist, "two weeks from I don't know when." She said matter of factly. "But that was my first case and we were only supposed to monitor for a Mary sue.
Agent Berou stared at her friend. "Didn't you write a Mary sue, once?" she questioned.
Reg nodded. "I was written up and would have been charged except I agreed to work here. It's good wages, because we won't get an opportunity to go out and spend. Other departments get off more, but with the new movie out and we having to monitor and assassinate, we'll stay in almost as much as the Potter verse and LOTR."
Berou shook her head at her friend's explanation. Of course, Agent Regina would answer with more information to process. It was far better than when she had only spoken in riddles, though. Reg continued to fuss at the computer, occasionally trying to cajole it into doing something. Berou looked about for a place to sit down and think over everything Reg had said. Of course, dramatic comedy kicked into super drive at that moment: BEEEEEEEEEHOWMUCHLOUDERCANIGETEEEEP! Agent Regina dived at the small printer next to the computer. Berou jumped up and looked around for the source of the beeping.
"It's the computer," Reg explained, ripping a piece of paper out of the printer's maw. " It beeps when we have an assignment. Here, read this and I'll get your gear."
Berou glanced at the blurry sheet. From what she could read, it mentioned "opera house," "a young runaway noblewoman," and "E/OC."
Agent Regina bustled over, two fairly large reticules in her hands. She handed Berou a bag and took the piece of paper. "Okay, here are the details. We are on a clean up mission. The story is set after Christine has left Erik, and Erik is despairing of his life. He goes out wandering the streets of Paris, finds this Adele chick, and takes her home. She turns his life around, he enjoys life again, and Adele, in general, heals up the wounds from Christine's love. They fall in love but it turns out that she ran away from this arranged marriage with Raoul's brother, Comte Philippe De Chagny, and he is looking for her. Adele runs off to save her family from the evil Comte, Erik saves her, and they live happily ever after. All of that is utter bull shoot, because after Christine left, Erik died, Philippe was dead before that, and when he was alive he was described as a " kind-hearted man with an irrereproachable conscience.""
She started to fiddle around with a little device on the top of the computer. "We go in, shoot the Mary sue and any other Marys. We will be young stagehands so we should blend in everywhere we will need to be. The bag contains some food, drink, a book, and a weapon of some sort."
That was the end of the history lesson as a portal opened up from the small device and Reg ushered Berou into it.
When they arrived, Berou was stunned to see how her partner looked. There where Regina should be, stood a tall, swarthy skinned, black haired man. Her dismay must have showed because the young man grumbled at her, "don't laugh; you look very similar." He gestured at the mirror that was on one wall of the cramped dressing room. There, two young stagehands stared at their reflections. The slightly shorter one had red hair while the dark haired one smiled at their appearance.
"We fit in better this way, trust me. The Mary sue won't notice two extra stagehands wandering about, and nobody else will if we do not call attention to ourselves."
Berou glanced at him, or rather; whom she suspected was her partner. "Reg, is that you?"
"Yes," and the young man swept the other agent a bow. "Now, we stick together, avoid being in people's way and find someplace nice to sit and read the words." He strode off towards the door, bag over his shoulder. Berou took one more look around and followed her partner.
When they had finally reached where Reg was heading to, they got a chance to sit. Where they were was not immediately obvious to Berou. They appeared to be in some sort of theater box, not very far from the stage. It was Agent Regina or Rex as she appeared now, who explained. "This is box five, where Erik will take Adele tonight, and he will watch her sing on the stage as he thinks about his growing affection for her. Right now, there is only some annoying fight with the Daroga, or Erik's best friend about Adele, going on, so we get a chance to sit and wait. Enjoy it, read your book, and hope we don't hit a plot hole."
The laws of dramatic irony were set in motion with that phrase. There was a dizzying sense of falling, and they were somewhere else. "Damn," said Reg." I had hoped to get you through most of the book before teaching you about charges."
They were perched on top of a bookcase, watching as a masked man and a man in Persian robes paced around a large study. The masked man spoke first. "Daroga, you just don't understand, but I love Adele soo much and I wanna marry her tomorrow." Erik whined. As he spoke, Agent Reg whipped out a notepad.
"Charges are where the Mary sue has messed up something or someone. In this case, the charges are making Erik whiney, use improper speech for that time, and for simply having him be alive. We make a note of them and tell the Mary sue why we are here to exterminate her. Now we get to watch and wait for a list of charges. Just watch the words."
The Daroga sighed and sat down in an overstuffed pinkish armchair. "Erik, I just don't want to go through anything like the Daaé affair. We are both too old to go about, trying to woo and win the girl away from Count De Chagney. She has her choice to make and when she has made it, that will be the end of the matter." Erik removed his mask and wiped his face.
" I know Daroga, I know. But Adele is so honorable that she would choose her family over her own happiness every time I can't let her marry that evil bastard and be completely miserable for the rest of her life." Erik stated. The Persian sighed.
"Erik," he said warningly, "it is still her choice. Do not make it for her."
The PPC agents were busy laughing at this. Reg had gotten out a pair of puppets and was having them act out the scene in front of them. Of course, being the teenage girl that she was, there was a bit more humor in the puppets conversation.
" I hate cheese." Said the masked puppet.
"I hate Adele." Replied the Persian puppet.
" But I wanna marry her and have her, to hold in death." Said Erik, the puppet.
" Adele wants the County-man more. Hahahaha." Went the Daroga puppet.
The Erik puppet began to jump on the poor Persian puppet's head. Then there was a knock down fight over who was the better person for Adele, the Comte or the Opera Ghost, which only ended when agent Berou tapped her partner on the shoulder.
"Do all PPC agents do this?" she wondered. Agent Regina smiled back.
" No, but some of them wish they did. I figure, that I can get another charge out of being able to mock the Mary sue with puppets. "
Berou shook her head at her friend. Sometimes Reg just acted far younger than her actual age. She wondered if it had something to do with being a loner for most of her childhood years. Regina placed the puppets back inside her bag, carefully straightening out the Persian's messed up robes. At Berou's inquisitive gaze, she explained, "I always thought the Persian was one of the best characters of the book. He's the one I admire and want to be like the most. Granted, the Mary Sue's ruin his character into a nosy, interfering busybody, but I like him the best. He's the only mentally stable, normal person in Leroux's book." She looked away, embarrassed at having a crush on a literary character.
Berou snorted. "You and KT have the most interesting taste in men. They all turn out to be in fine literature. She likes short guys with large hairy feet who smoke and are obsessed by jewelry. You also like a fictional character, but one who spends his life snooping around. What odd lives we lead!" she smirked.
Agent Regina quirked an eyebrow. "I bet you I can get a spit ball in the Mary Sue's hair up on the stage from the cat walk."
Berou smirked, an evil smirk this time. "You're on. Same prizes as last time?"
Reg crinkled her nose at that. "I don't think…" she started to say, but the dizzying sense of falling once again took over. When she finally felt ground or at least something under her feet, she opened her eyes. She and Berou were on the catwalk, high above the stage where Adele wandered about, singing. Suddenly, there was a faint crackling noise. Uh oh, thought Regina, author's notes. She covered her ears. Okay, iwas like inspired by the movie where chirstenie was like singing that operathingy-bober. Thatwas the best part I sah. So I gotta my favorite song stuck in my head, and I thought that fitss so well with thies part. Don't like, fla32me me b/c im so goood. The agent uncovered her ears and glanced round at her partner. Berou was curled up into a little ball, hands over her ears, eyes squeezed tightly shut. "Too loud… could actually hear the grammar and spelling mistakes." Regina shook her head and walked over to her friend. "Berou," she called softly, lightly kicking her friend's leg, "time to get up."
Berou shot up to her feet. "Ow," she said feebly, "you could have at least warned me."
Reg shook her head. "I don't teach well. I'll warn if something is life threatening, but not for an annoyance. Anyways, listen to the song she's singing." The soprano notes floated up to them, the irony of the choice obvious in the song lyrics and Adele's thoughts.
"You and me,
Used to be together
'Adele stared out at the floor of the house. She could pick out bowx 5 were she knew Eric was sitting watching her. This was her only chance to tell him how she felt in side.'
Agent Regina snorted. "Do you think that that it's her right or left side that hurts? Perhaps it's from bad comma usage. I'm sure Erik, with a K, enjoys the minor fact he now has his eyeballs on the edge of the box so he can sit on the floor and still watch her. That has got to hurt."
"I really feel
I'm losing my best friend,
I can't believe,
This could be the end "
Reg snorted. "It's going to be the end—of her at least if she makes any more grammar mistakes."
"It looks as though your lettin' go,
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know.
Daon't speak, I no just what yore saying,
So please stop explaining,
Don't tell me b/c it hurts."
Regina threw up her hands. "She's dead. I can't take any more of this awful stuff. Berou, take notes on any more grammar errors" she tossed her notebook to her partner and stalked off to a different end of the catwalk.
Berou listened politely to the rest of the mistake-filled song while Adele went through an angst-filled moment about how she would run away tonight before the Comte found her Beloved Eric with a C. Regina sat down and took out the puppets. Only there were three instead of two now. The Persian puppet started first.
"We'll remember you forever, Mary
Through the horrible mess you made,
We demand the price you'll pay,
Little Mary sue, born in a Loo
Started messing up canon when she turned five
Claimed M. Gabriel was her father, Madame Giry didn't bother
To give her his last name, up until he came."
The Masked puppet stepped up to the microphone, his cape billowing behind him. "She went off and sang,
She didn't care a thing,
Mary sue and her Kitten alone
Soon a mister, came up and tried to kiss'er
Mary started runnin' and she kept singin'" the masked puppet finished, and a puppet that looked like Agent Regina stepped into place. Berou snorted and snerked. She had known that Reg wanted to use the puppets to charge Mary sue, but she had never imagined that she would actually have a puppet of herself. The puppet opened up its mouth and sang,
" And now, the pathetic story,
Mary Sue's little sister, Mary Louise, needed an operation,
To get the money, Mary had to become someone's private sensation.
Mary believed that the Comte Philippe had a wonderful, generous heart,
Her singular end, she considered would send,
Her sister to the hospital… but it couldn't be."
All three of the puppets sang the last parts, Regina singing along,
" When an annoying character dies, to our hope and joy,
In a horrible crash or a flashy accident,
She becomes quite well forgotten
And the kindness she's to canon shown, has made more than one psycho agent,
Well, you did it Mary, and though it's hard to applaud ruining canon,
You did all that you did, so that your plot could live,
All the agents are gagging inside.
We'll remember you forever, Mary
Through the horrible mess you made,
We demand the price you'll pay,
Berou applauded. Her friend had taken liberties with the rhyme scheme, but she had made very good points. And it didn't help that listening to Adele or Mary sue whine about the fairness of life was an annoying and boring job. Regina stood up and bowed. Berou just applauded harder. Of course, this attracted someone's attention.
He climbed up to the catwalk, curios to see the sort of person who thought that Adele's singing was worth applause. What the good Daroga found was an unexpected sight. Two young stagehands were leaning over the catwalk, whispering and nudging each other. Both were holding some type of a reed. He carefully crept over to where they were, and tapped them on their shoulders. The two young men spun round, a wet mass of paper flying out of the black-haired one's reed and onto his face. The Persian would have been mad, if it hadn't for that boy's look of horror at the wad landing on his face. He calmly wiped it from his face. "Now, what are the two of you doing here, at this late hour? The opera house is closed." He said politely. The dark haired one still had a look of terror on his face, so he turned to the red head.
"We… got stuck in a prop room and didn't get out until a while ago, we've been looking for someone to ask the time. My friend," he gestured to the black haired boy, who was opening and closing his mouth like a fish, "heard someone singing, and came up here to see who it was. We started throwing spitballs at whoever it was, because that was a horrid song. We were trying to get one in her hair." The Daroga raised an eyebrow. It was a rather neat, if juvenile, way of getting back at someone.
"May I have one of your straws?" he asked. The black haired one offered him one and a small scrap of paper, while still looking at him, as though he were a demigod of Greek mythology. The Persian carefully readied the missile, aimed, and shot. The spitball soared through the air, resembling a drop of rain before it hits the ground. It landed in the middle of Adele's head. He handed the straw back to the dark haired boy. " Now, I would suggest leaving here before someone notices what we are doing." He walked back to the end of the catwalk and disappeared.
Agent Regina stared after him. "I have died and gone to heaven." She kept repeating. "I have died and gone to heaven."
Berou waved a hand in front of her moony friend. "Earth to Regina, come in, Regina. We have to go."
Reg came to, and began to gather her things. They walked to the other end of the catwalk. Berou went down first. Reg stared off into space for a moment, whispering, and "he is so nice," before climbing down.
It was a shock when they reached the ground. There was Philippe holding a gun at Erik, who was sheltering Adele with his body. The Persian was trying to reason with both of them. "Oh, dear," said agent Regina. She dropped her bag, and began to dig through it. "A-Ha!" she cried holding a small thing that looked like a calculator. She aimed it at Erik. Erik. Canon character. 78.6253 out of character. She then aimed it at Philippe. Comte Philippe De Chagny. Canon Character. 99.99998 out of character. CHARACTER RUPTURE. "Oh sweet music of the heavenly choir, why him." Reg sighed. She pointed the device at the Persian. The Persian Daroga. Canon Character. 13 out of character. She gave the device to Berou to hold. Reg noted the percents in her notebook before reaching back into her bag and removing a black wrapped shape. She removed the fabric covering. Inside laid a perfect puppet version of her real world self, down to the knots in her sneakers. Agent Regina then strode past Erik and up to the cowering Mary sue.
" Adele Whatsyername, you are charged with improper usage of the English language, you're/ your/ yore mistakes, corrupting canon characters, resurrecting the dead, forgetting to use spell-check, messing up know and no with each other, hurting my partner's ears with a poorly written author's note, using modern music when you should stick to the same period as the date, making me use puppets to mock the conversation between Erik and the Persian, and pissing off a PPC agent enough that I wrote a song parody for you. How do you plead?" the puppet Regina stated, bored.
The Mary sue stared at the two stagehands that had approached. She was supposed to be making the most dangerous choice in her life, and these weirdoes ruined her greatest dramatic scene. " What do you mean, by barging in like this? Go away, or he," gesturing towards the count, "might hurt you in the crossfire."
Regina smiled. It was a distinctly menacing smile, the sort a lioness might make before ripping out the throat of its prey. "Fine. And FYI, it's Erik with a K, not a C." She purred. Reg walked over to Adele, punched her in the nose, summoned a portal with the remote thingy, and got herself and Berou out of there, before anyone but the Persian realized what was happening.
When they had arrived back at head quarters, Berou and Regina found them back to normal, with an unconscious Mary sue on their hands. It was Berou who dropped her end of the Mary sue first. "What are we going to do with her?" she asked her partner. Regina looked at Berou, then at the Mary sue.
"Hmm, have you seen the part of the trailer for phantom, where you see the chandelier falling? I've always thought that was the most exciting thing. Shall we see if it is nearly as much fun as it looks?" Berou assented, and the two dragged the hapless Mary sue off to find a chandelier.
Madame Orchid was finishing up the pile of paperwork that was necessary to let Berou join the staff of the PPC, when there was a knock on her door. Come in, she "said". The two agents entered. Regina carried a bucket of something that to the plant, smelled like chocolate does to a teenage girl. Berou kept looking askance at the bucket. What have you brought me? Asked the plant.
Regina smiled, "we got us a kill and were wondering if you would like to make use of it?" she asked.
Madame Orchid smiled back. Granted she didn't have a face or a mouth to smile with, but she somehow conveyed the sort of smile Reg generally gave a doomed Mary sue. Sure, she replied. Congratulations on making the team, Agent Berou. You will be an excellent addition. Now if you don't mind, I need to finalize the paper work. Scat. The agents left.
Outside in the hall, the two agents were starting on their first official argument as partners.
"Wontons." Said Reg.
"Pie." Said Berou.
"Pie and Wontons, okay Berou?"
"Sure, now let's get lunch!"
"I wonder if I can get that straw placed in a display case." Reg sighed dreamily.
Berou shook her head. The Persian obsessed Regina and, Berou privately hoped, that Reg would never grow out of it. It was too much fun to tease her about it.
(AN: hope you have read something that made you smile. If you find a Mary sue work you think needs to be mocked, let me know. Otherwise, please hit the purple button on your left as you exit. Many thanks,
La Regina Phantom