Disclaimer: Even after many failed attempts to kill her and steal her identity… I am STILL not Natsuki Takaya!


Chapter 1

So… Snapple or Fanta?

" GOOOOOOD MORNING, SOHMA FAMILY!" Shigure screamed at the top of his lungs holding a megaphone he had purchased earlier. And it was indeed morning! A beautiful, crisp winter morning! The kind that makes you get up and go… " I can't wait to go outside on a beautiful crisp winter morning!"

But not Sohma Kyo. This time, even YUKI had gotten up before Sohma Kyo. Because while Yuki, Tohru and Shigure loved winter a LOT… Sohma Kyo, well, Sohma Kyo did NOT.

" GO AWAY!" Kyo yelled as Shigure stood proudly in his doorway with the megaphone, while Tohru and Yuki stared into the room with confused expressions, already ready for school.

" Yara!" Said Shigure cheerfully. When Kyo didn't go anything, he raised the megaphone and said at max volume once again, " YARA!"

" Quit it…!" Kyo whined, jamming the pillow on top of his head as if that would save him. " I don't want to go to school!"

" Alright, Sohma Family… SAY IT WITH ME!" Shigure yelled cheerfully.

" No." Said Yuki.

" MOVE…THAT…CAT!" Shigure and Tohru said cheerfully, because Tohru is fool enough to actually go along with Shigure in something like this. Then Shigure ran over to Kyo's bed and threw him out of it.

" OW!" Kyo screamed, landing on the floor. But surprisingly enough, he was already in his school uniform and everything! CRAZY!

" Kyo-kun fell down!" Shigure chuckled like Kureno even though he had caused the throwing down in the first place.

" Kyo-kun, why are you already dressed in your uniform?" Tohru asked curiously.

" B-BECAUSE! I always make sure that that damn rat won't beat me by waking up at 3 am to put it on before him! But at around 5 am I started to not feel so well… so…yeah…" Kyo trailed off embarassedly.

" But Kyo-kun!" Shigure gasped. " You can't miss today! It's the first school day in the first week of December!"

" WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT THAT!" Kyo demanded, secretly curious if something special was happening and HE had missed out on it!

" … I don't know! But surely… something special… AWAITS!" Shigure said dramatically, and then threw Kyo out the door.

" Why did you throw me! I'm GOING TO SCHOOL NOW!" Kyo demanded.

" I just like to throw you." Shigure said truthfully. " Now come on kids! I made you breakfast!"

" OH NO!" Tohru gasped. " I can't believe I indirectly made you do such a thing! Next time I'll wake up before anyone else and make breakfast!"

" Then you can help Kyo-kun put on his uniform!" Shigure chuckled like Kureno, leading them down the stairs.

" NO SHE WON'T!" Kyo yelled. Come on Kyo. You KNOW you want her to… uh-huh, uh-huh, UH-HUH!

" …Shigure, I didn't know you could cook…" Yuki said in a doubtful voice.

" WELL I CAN!" Shigure screamed at him with his giant megaphone. Yuki flinched and held his ears, then decided to be quiet.

" Sit down! Sit down!" Shigure said with great flourish, pointing to the kitchen table. Just so you KNOW… they still have about fifteen minutes before they're supposed to leave for school. Don't worry. They won't be late. It's okay.

" I'm always indebted to you, Shigure-san!" Tohru cried with a goofy look. Kyo gave her a disgusted look. Yuki wondered where Shigure had gotten that megaphone.

" Alright! Pizza for everyone!" Said Shigure, handing everyone a piece of pizza.

" PIZZA!" Kyo screamed.


" …nani kore?" Yuki said slowly, looking at his pizza. But then he remembered it had CHEESE, so he didn't care! YAAAY! Looks like you made a lot of progress since last time, Yuki! The FIRST chapter! WOW!


" And you can have REESES? I think you can have some healthy pizza for once in your life, Kyo-chan." Shigure scoffed like Carson.

" My pizza has strawberries on it!" Tohru cheered, even though that sounds disgusting.

Yuki didn't care what his pizza had on it, as long as it had cheese. But let's just say it had mushrooms. Ah… the OTHER rat delicacy!

" This… THIS HAS LEEKS ON IT!" Kyo screamed, throwing himself from his pizza in alarm.

" Oops." Said Shigure. " Oh well!"

" Can't I have another piece?" Kyo whined.

" No. It would take too long! Just eat your leeks like a good boy!" Shigure chuckled like Kureno. Evil Shigure… you PLANNED this!

" NEVER!" Kyo pledged, then started picking each and every leek off of that pizza. And he had to take the cheese off too, because there was some leek hidden underneath. Then he had to wipe the sauce off because it still TASTED like leek. So by the time he was done he just had a naked pizza that tasted like cardboard.

" Well, will you look at the time! You kids better get going!" Shigure gasped in mock-terror, taking up the plates of pizza before Kyo could even have a bite.

" Shigure… uh… can I have some medicine… before I go? I really don't… feel well." Kyo said, blushing, because he's a REAL man and they don't get sick!

" Oh no! Don't underestimate it!" Tohru exclaimed, clapsing her hands.

" I'm not!" Kyo snapped, growing even redder.

" Of course you can!" Shigure said, hugging Kyo. " Poor Kyo-chan! Here!" Then he handed Kyo a tiny bottle of medicine. Kyo glared at it, then drank it all in one gulp. It was NASTY! But that was because it was Nyquil. Hey Shigure! Shouldn't you have given him DAYQUIL! GOD!

" Now you're off!" Said Shigure, opening the door cerimoniously and gesturing for them to get a move on. Everyone looked outside to see that the whole town was draped in about six feet of snow.

" We… we can't go to school like THAT!" Kyo gasped.

" We have to do our best!" Tohru said, but considering how short her skirt is… she will probably die in about five minutes.

" No we don't!" Kyo yelled. " The schools HAVE to be closed! There is no way they would make us go in this kind of condition!"

" Turn on the TV." Yuki demanded, because he too did not want to go to school like that. His bronchitis might act up! HEAVENS!

" Fine! Do this! Do that! GEEZ!" Shigure whined, then switched on the television. Everyone waited for the commercials to finish. Then the Buddy Barn Weather Report came on.

" Hi! I'm That Buddy Barn Guy, and here's the weather report…" Said That Buddy Barn Guy.

" TELL US IF THE SCHOOLS ARE CLOSED!" Everyone yelled at him.

" FINE!" Said That Buddy Barn Guy on the TV screen, putting his hands on his hips. " Hold your horses! …YES, the schools are open. HAPPY?"

" NO!" Yelled Kyo.

" Well, tough cookies." That Buddy Barn Guy said crossly, then whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go, leaving the weather screen empty and not moving.

" You heard the convienent time-saving, plot-hole rescuing man! Go to school, chilluns!" Said Shigure, ushering them all out the door.

" But I'm SICK!" Kyo whined.

" Shigure, can't you call someone to drive us or something?" Yuki sighed.

" I COULD… call your brother!" Shigure said cheerfully.

No one objected, despite how bad Ayame's driving is. However, then Shigure changed his mind.

" Nevermind." He said. " Ayame is coming to pick me up so we can go visit Haa-san! So that's out of the picture."

" Why can't he do both?" Kyo demanded.

" He just CAN'T." Shigure said in an offended manner. " It's not like he's SUPERMAN or something."

" Then… how will we get there?" Kyo said slowly in a defeated manner.

" Hmm… wait one second." Shigure said, then whipped out his cell phone. YOU remember his cell phone. Then he pressed number FIVE on speed-dial and they all waited patiently.

" Hello? Yeah, it's me. We've got a situation… code silver. That's right. Can you handle it? You can? Alright. Get here where you get here." Then Shigure hung up the phone and gave them all a thumbs up. " YOSH! Your ride will be here shortly."

" WHO DID YOU CALL!" Kyo demanded suspicously.

" It's a… SURPRISE!" Shigure said gleefully as if it would make all of them that much more excited about being driven to school if it were a surprise.

" I don't want a surprise! I want the facts!" Kyo whined, but then was interrupted by someone standing outside and honking the horn of a car like a fool instead of just walking up and knocking on the door. That's right… it was Ayame! YAAAY!

" Gure-san! I'm here!" Ayame called, wearing a giant fur coat, a scarf, earmuffs, and a silly little eskimo hat. " Are you ready!"

" AYA! I sure am!" Shigure exclaimed, pushing all the kids out of the house and then locking and bolting the door. Then he started to frolic over to Ayame's car.

" WAIT!" Kyo called. " Why did you lock us out!"

" I can't leave you in the house alone while I'm gone!" Shigure gasped, even though he WAS leaving them out in the freezing cold. " Just wait patiently for your ride, children!"

" Tohru-kun! Kyonkichi! Yuki!" Ayame called cheerfully, waving like a fool. " I would give you my greetings, but it's so terribly cold and I'm enjoying the warm caress of the heater in this car too much!"

The three kids started to feel a lot more colder all of a sudden.

" Aya!" Shigure cheered, jumping into the car and glomping Ayame.

" Gure-san! I told you that whenever you needed me, all you had to do was call my name!" Ayame said, glomping Shigure back.

" And I DID! CALL ME, CALL ME… LET ME KNOW IT'S ALRIGHT… EAAAAASE MY MIND…" Shigure and Ayame started to sing in over the top off-key voices.

" B-but I didn't get my backpack!" Kyo called, but unfortunately, Ayame and Shigure didn't hear him over their singing.

" Ja bai bai!" Ayame called and then drove off leaving the three of them in his snowy dust.

" This… SUCKS!" Kyo yelled at the top of his lungs.

" Quit yelling, baka neko."

" IT REALLY SUCKS! What did you say? WANNA FIGHT!"

" No! Fighting is wrong!"


" Oh, it's already BROUGHT IT." Said Yuki, and then started to beat up Kyo, but Kyo held up his hands at the last second.

" I'm sick. You can't attack me when I'm sick."

" But you were the one starting the fight."

" Well, I FORGOT I was sick, okay!" Kyo yelled.

How do you forget that you're sick? Yuki and Tohru wondered.

Oh well… you guys know Kyo… he's the CAT!


Hatori woke up with a sore throat. But this usually happens in winter so he wasn't THAT surprised. Just annoyed. He got up, drunk some hot tea to calm that sore throat DOWN, then woke up Haru and Momiji to go to school.

" What's for breakfast?" Momiji and Haru asked after they had gotten dressed and ready for school, sitting at the kitchen table like helpless high-schoolers that can't even make their OWN breakfast.

" Well…" Said Hatori, who was just enough of a big softie to make them breakfast, " You can either have Toaster Strudel, Cocoa Puffs, or toast."

" TOASTER STRUDEL!" Momiji cheered even though he REALLY doesn't need anymore sugar.

" Hmm…" Said Haru, trying to make up his mind. Hatori decided he'd get a head start and just make Momiji's toaster strudel. He did so ever so carefully because he didn't want to accidently burn them. When he had finished, Haru had made up his mind.

" Toast." Said Haru.

" Okay." Said Hatori, and popped a piece of bread into the toaster, then waited for it to finish. When it was done, he put it on the plate and gave it to Haru.

" What is THIS?" Haru said in an offended voice, giving the toast a bug-eyed look.

" Toast." Hatori replied, thinking that perhaps Haru had just temporarily forgotten what toast was.

" I wanted a TOASTER strudel." Haru continued in a voice that sounded amazed at Hatori's stupidity.

" Haru, you said TOAST." Said Hatori.

" You didn't let me finish." Said Haru sadly.

" Well, just eat the toast." Hatori sighed, since it was almost time for school anyway.

" No. I don't like toast." Said Haru. WHO DOES?

" Eat it anyway." Said Hatori.

" If you make me eat this toast, I'll turn into Black Haru." Haru warned.

Well, Hatori didn't know if this was TRUE or not, but he didn't really want to risk it, so he gave in and made Haru the Toaster strudel anyway. And NOW, their whole schedule was thrown out of balance and he would have to skip the children's VITAMINS! ARGH!

" Okay, everyone put on their coats. It's very cold out today." Said Hatori when everyone finished their toaster strudels.

" Okay" Said Haru and Momiji and put on their coats. Then Hatori drove them to school because he wasn't about to let those poor children WALK to school in such conditions! Good Lord! Then it took him a LONG time to get back home because it was so wet and cold and slippery.

When he finally pulled back into the driveway… who should be waiting for him but… HIS TWO BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! YAAAAAAY!

" Damn." Said Hatori.

" HAA-SAN!" Shigure yelled from the front porch.

" TORI-SAN!" Ayame echoed.





They continued to repeat this over and over until finally Hatori reached them. Then they just gave him a hug. Hatori pushed them off and glared at them.

" What are you two doing here?" He demanded.

" It's WINTER! We should spend more time with each other!" Ayame pouted.

" Tis the season to be… MABUDACHI…" Shigure said, striking a pose.

" I'm cold and I fear I may become a snake at any second! Can you PLEASE open the door!" Ayame demanded as if Hatori had been keeping it locked on purpose. Hatori sighed and opened the door for Ayame and Shigure to frolic in.

" So, Haa-san, what are your winter plans?" Shigure asked Hatori.

" Uh…" Said Hatori since he didn't really have any, but he didn't want Shigure and Ayame to know that. Then they could make FUN of him and his nerdy NO planness!

" What I really mean is… HAVE YOU GOTTEN MY PRESENT YET!" Shigure cheered, dancing around Hatori like a fool.

" Of course not." Hatori chided. " Christmas is a whole twenty-four days away."

" Well, I have YOUR present." Shigure lied.

" Oh…" Said Hatori, starting to feel a little bad.


"…what?" Hatori and Shigure asked.

"… do you think these earmuffs make my nose look abnormally large?" Ayame pondered, staring in the mirror.

" I didn't want to say anything…" Shigure whispered dramatically, " But…"

" I KNEW it!" Ayame gasped, taking the earmuffs off and chucking them away randomly, but they hit Hatori in the head. " I'll never wear them again, no matter how cold my ears get!"

" …did you two really come here for any purpose at all?" Hatori wondered, rubbing the spot on his forehead where the earmuffs had hit him.

Just in time to save Shigure and Ayame from making up some random excuse… THE DOORBELL RANG!

" Mailman!" Called the random mailman.

" MAIL?" Shigure gasped in an overdramatic voice, then started to dance around and sing.

" Here's the mail, it never fails, it makes me want to wag my tail! When it comes, I want to wail…" Shigure took a deep breath and then knelt down and held out his arms and sang in an opera voice, " MAAAAAAAAAAAIL…….!"

Then there was an awkward silence.

" Are you done?" Hatori asked.

" Probably." Said Shigure.

Then Hatori opened the door to see a mailman we'll call Mailman Bob.

" Here you go!" Said Mailman Bob, handing Hatori one letter because that's all the mail Hatori had for THIS day. " Have a nice day!" Then Mailman Bob walked off to explode. Why did he explode? Well…

I think now is the time to introduce the very popular theory called, Hayley's Theory of Explosion. See, if someone, ANYONE just isn't important and isn't going to appear more than once, they simply explode. Just like that. You know those buses that you take just ONCE in your life, and you know that bus driver? He will just simply drive off and explode when the time comes.

In fact, there is a prime example of this actually IN Fruits Basket. In the episode where they go to the Hot Springs, they ride there on a bus. That stupid, random bus driver just drives off, and explodes. Which is why, at the end of the episode, Kyo remarks the bus is late. You know why? BECAUSE THE BUS DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE!

" A letter! You got a letter!" Shigure gasped as Mailman Bob exploded.

" Please don't sing again." Hatori said.

" Too late." Said Shigure and started to sing.

" We just got a letter, we just got a letter, we just got a letter, I WONDER WHO IT'S FROM….!" He ended in the same overly dramatic voice, and held the note until his face turned red.

While he was singing, Hatori opened the letter. Then he read it carefully. It went like this.

Dear Hatori Sohma,

So which do you like better? Snapple or Fanta? I myself like Snapple. I hope you continue to make good elections in the way you part your hair.


Hatori frowned at the letter. It wasn't signed. Not only that… it was kind of a WEIRD letter. Who cared whether Hatori liked Snapple better than Fanta? And who CARED how Hatori parted his hair?

How… odd…

" Who is it from?" Shigure asked nosily.

" I don't know… Anyway…" Hatori started to say, not wanting his friends to read such an odd and embarassing letter that they would probably tease him about. He balled it up and put it in his pocket, then looked back to see Shigure and Ayame staring at him expectantly.

" What?" He asked.

" We have a surprise for you, Haa-san!" Shigure cheered.

…what was it? YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT TIME! SUCKER! And let me all hear you say…

Guess who's back? Back again? Hayley's back! TELL A FRIEND!



Hello. I'm Hayley Wallace. You may know me from such fanfics as Legal Shoopuf, Shooball, or Shoopuf Basket. The omake is a section where we answer your questions! It can be any question you want just as long as it isn't about the three things I hate the most.




In THAT order.

And now let's meet our Review Crew! Even if we're answering questions, we demand to be called the REVIEW CREW! HAH!

First is everyone's favorite writer, artist, otaku, high school girl and random loud idiot, ME! HAYLEY! HURRAH! Feel free to ask me any question that doesn't make me feel threatened and want to move to another state and delete any trace of me on the internet! YOSH!

Next is… Carl! The Sarcastic Talking Purple Wooper! He's HERE this time and he's taking names!

Carl: Bite me.

And everyone's favorite big lovable lug… BIGFOOT! FOOT-CHAN!


The three of us team up to answer your questons, whatever they may be! And sometimes we'll have special guests, so look forward to that too!

So please enjoy Shoorruba, continue to brush your teeth so they don't get all crinkly, and ASK QUESTIONS!