Fruits Basket… has ended.
(BIG, SAD, FROWNY FACE)
But Shoopuf Basket… has NOT!
(BIG, SAD, FROWNY FACE)
Whatever. As long as long, boring summers full of nothing but waiting for the day you can finally go to college and get a life exist, so shall Shoopuf Basket!
The Bachelor: Hatori
This chapter is dedicated to my mom, who watches the Bachelor and once really did call Hatori Hadorky.
I know what you're thinking. Hatori Sohma is not a BACHELOR. Hatori Sohma is not a MAN. Hatori Sohma is a SEAHORSE! He has no need for feminine company! He feels no sexual urges! All he's waiting for is a female seahorse to swim up and pump him full of babies! You know it, I know it, WE ALL KNOW IT.
Unfortunately, Ayame and Shigure do not know this. And so, ONE DAY, Hatori found himself holding a very strange letter at the mailbox!
I'd love to paint your easter eggs, said the letter.
When am I going to quit getting these? Hatori thought and threw the letter up into the air and snapped his fingers and it caught on FIRE and burnt to ash just like Roy Mustang! Except not. It got caught in the wind and flew three feet like a normal rejected stalker letter.
Hatori leafed through the rest of the Sohma family mail. YES, there is some PROFESSIONAL person who does that for them, but he was SICK that day, okay?! Don't you judge him!
"Fine for vase injury, fine for vase injury, fine for vase injury… coupons for Pizza Hut…" said Hatori and stared at the coupons for Pizza Hut. Hatori LIKES Pizza Hut! Then he continued to read the mail outloud. "Fine for vase injury, fine for vase injury… To Mr. Hatori Sohma…"
A letter for HATORI? Hatori hadn't received a letter since someone ACCIDENTALLY invited him to a baby shower! What a crazy STORY that was. There were confused looks and EVERYTHING. But there it was, a letter addressed to him. There was his name printed in ink! There was the return address of the BBC!
Wow! The BBC! This letter had come all the way from BRITAIN! Barely able to CONTAIN his excitement, Hatori carefully began to peel the enveloped open with his pinky finger!
When he finally got it open, THIS is what it said:
Dear Mr. Hatori Sohma,
(At this point Hatori paused and took a deep breath of satisfaction, since this isn't something he gets to hear a lot.)
Out of one MILLION hopefuls, YOU have been chosen to be the next Bachelor! You will get to star in your VERY OWN television show about your VERY OWN harem! You'll get to string along TWENTY different sexy women, and in the end, you get to PRETEND that you have fallen in love with one of them and then get divorced two years later when nobody cares!
We're so excited to make you a part of the Bachelor family, Mr. Hatori Sohma! In just TWO DAYS we will be flying over on our Bachelor jet to pick you up and bring you to beautiful HA-WAI-EH and begin shooting! You'll also be needing to bring two of your closest friends who will help you to find the love of your life! NOT! YOU'LL NEVER FIND LOVE, LOSER! HA HA HA, just KIDDING!
See you soon,
"What the hell?" said Hatori. He had never entered ANY Bachelor audition contest thingy! He didn't even know what the Bachelor WAS! I mean, he knew that he, Hatori, WAS a bachelor, but what the hell was the Bachelor? He didn't want to date twenty different sexy women! What about Mayuko? What about his remaining feelings for KANA?!
ARGH! WHO THE HELL IS CAUSING ALL THIS MAYHEM IN THE WORLD OF HATORI?!
"There's always only one right answer to that question," said Hatori. He went back to his house and got ready to go… see… his… COUSINS!
"Oh my, Aya, why are you sitting there as if you were EXPECTING someone?" Shigure trilled in a high voice, pretending not to wait for Hatori.
"Expecting someone? Gure-san! Now who on earth would I be expecting? I haven't done anything to warrant a visit from ANYONE!" Ayame giggled.
"Nothing like, oh say… ENTER HAA-SAN INTO THE BACHELOR AUDITION!"
"WHO ON EARTH WOULD PLAY A TRICK LIKE THAT ON TORI-SAN?"
And both of them howled and screamed with laughter.
"I HATE the Bachelor," said Kyo, who was doing the dishes for Tohru. Except SHE didn't know it! Won't she be SURPRISED? And guilt ridden? "It's the stupidest show in the entire world."
"I thought you said Joe Millionaire was the stupidest show in the world," Shigure pointed out.
"Besides THAT one!" Kyo snapped, and rolled his eyes at the plates like, 'GOD! That goes without SAYING, duuuuh!'
"You know what the stupidest show in the WORLD is?" said Ayame, since he wanted everyone to know his opinion. "PIRATE Master. I mean… have you seen the COSTUMES? More like Pirate DISASTER!"
"YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! PIRATE MASTER IS-" And then Kyo remembered who he was and where he was and who he was about to tell that Pirate Master is the best damn show in the whole world to.
"…okay," he finished lamely.
Before Shigure and Ayame could start making fun of Kyo, the doorbell rang! Now it was time to make fun of HATORI! Everyone's favorite time!
"Oh my god oh my god oh my god!" Shigure hypervenilated. "Aya, you do realize this is the best prank – recently mind you – that we've ever played on Hatori!"
"I KNOW!" Ayame squealed.
"It's gonna be so… DAMN… GOOD!" Shigure slammed the table. "It's almost too good to be true!"
"I'm so excited I can't answer the door! You do it, Gure-san!"
"I can't! I can't!"
There was some angry knocking and then they heard Hatori say, in his lovely, slightly angry Hatori way, "Come on, I know you two are in there!"
Shigure and Ayame lost it and could not move, paralyzed by laughter. Kyo sighed and went to go get the door. Why does Kyo have to do ALL the work around here?! GEEZ!
"Hi Kyo," Hatori sighed when Kyo opened the door.
"Hey," said Kyo. "They're in there laughing at you."
"I thought as much," said Hatori and moved in. He held the crazy BBC letter in his hand. When he reached Shigure and Ayame, they had finally gotten themselves together, but then they saw the letter and lost it all over again.
"Stop laughing and tell me what the Bachelor is."
"HE DOESN'T… HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS…AHAHAHAHA!"
"I get that it's a television show, at least. But why did they send me a letter? I never even auditioned."
"HEHEHEHE…HE DOESN'T…HE DOESN'T THINK HE'S AUDITIONED!"
"But I didn't audition," said Hatori. Aww, he was BEARY CONFUSED! (bear)
"Yes you did, Haa-san," said Shigure. "You just didn't KNOW it!" He looked over at Ayame. "Do you have the tape, Aya?"
"Aww," said Ayame, "I want to explain to him what it IS first! He'll make such a wonderful expression!"
"Yeah, you're right," said Shigure. "Okay, Aya, do you have the other tape?"
Ayame pulled out a tape that said THE BACHELOR IN PARIS LOL! Then he skipped over to the television chuckling like Kureno.
"Sit down, Haa-san," said Shigure, patting on the… floor or whatever. "Soon, everything will make sense…maybe."
"The Bachelor in PARIS?" Kyo asked disgustedly, as the retarded opening credits with the metrosexual guy narrating ran. "That's like the worst one!"
"How would you know?" Hatori asked.
"I'M GOING TO MY ROOM!" Kyo yelled and did so.
So Hatori sat and he watched all forty five minutes of the Bachelor in Paris. And like any normal human being he thought it was the biggest piece of crap in the world. And unlike any normal female and Kyo Sohma, he did not have some strange urge to keep watching it anyway.
"NEXT TIME ON… THE BACHELOR! IN PARIS!" said the metrosexual narrator and then the television turned off.
"That was so stupid. It was all fake. Everything was engineered to be 'romantic' and the Bachelor says he has problems with his 'feelings', but really, all he is is an idiot surrounded by a bunch of dull, unintelligent women," said Hatori.
"Right!" said Shigure. "And that's where YOU come in!"
"Next tape, Aya."
"Yokai!" said Ayame and put in the next tape, which read BEST. HATORI. PRANK. EVER. Immediately, Ready Steady Go began to play in sequence with some images. It ran like THIS:
(cool drum part) : THE NEXT BACHELOR IS… HATORI… SOHMA!
HATORI SOHMA! - flashing in very cheap and pathetic looking windows movie maker neon lights for six seconds.
Hyde: READY STEADY CAN'T HOLD ME BACK
(Hatori straightening his tie)
Hyde: READY STEADY GIVE ME GOOD LACK!
(Close-up on Hatori giving the world's dorkiest grin in the world that makes him look more like a vampire than a normal grinning person)
Hyde: READY STEADY NEVER LOOK BACK
(Hatori wearing a stethoscope and looking down at some papers SERIOUSLY!)
Hyde: LET'S GET STARTED READY STEADY GO…!
(Hatori stepping out of the shower)
"WHAT THE HELL?" Hatori said.
"SHHHHHH!" Ayame and Shigure hissed.
On the television screen, Ayame and Shigure were now standing in front of a big cardboard poster cutout of Hatori while Ready Steady Go continued to play.
"HI!" said Ayame in terrible engrish. "WE AH BESTO FURENDO OF-U SOHMA HATORI!"
"WE GONNA TELL YOU WHY HE SHOULD-O BE DAH NEXT-OH BACHURERAHRARGH!" said Shigure.
"YOSH!" they both said and did the thumbs up. Then the video cut to Hatori talking into the camera with little subtitles 'translating' the Japanese.
"I've always dreamed of finding true love, and when I watch the Bachelor, I realize that those aren't just dreams. True love is out there, waiting for me. I just have to be brave enough to go on well, television, and find it."
"That's not what I'm saying!" said Hatori, who can read and speak fluent english because he's Hatori. "I'm telling you to turn off the stupid camera!"
"Mou, yamete. Mada iu ite darou? Dokomademo, ima anata-tachi yukeru. Ore wa takusan no kami koko ni iru," said Hatori on the video. The subtitles said, "I'm definitely a romantic. I daydream all the time. My favorite movie is Sleepless in Seattle."
"It is not…!" Hatori murmured. It's GLADIATOR!
"Oi, Shigure, yamete! Ayame!" "I REALLY want to be on the Bachelor!"
"YAMETE!" "Please choose me!"
"MOU II! IMA DETEKE!" (camera swinging wildly) "PLEASE!!!!!" (shaking camera out of desperation)
Hatori turned his head around and gave Shigure and Ayame the most offended look in the entire world. They were too busy crying silently over the brilliance of their creation.
"You made this without me even knowing it?!" he demanded.
"We were just videotaping for fun… we never thought about using it for something like this, and then… the idea just suddenly kicked…" Shigure sniffed.
"It's so… beautiful…" Ayame murmured, dabbing at his eyes with a hankie.
Hatori looked back at the television and saw that it now depicted him reading a japanese crime novel which the subtitles dubbed 'Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.'
"I can't wait until the last one comes out," the subtitles translated Hatori asking if there was any milk left. Then it cut to Hatori taking a bath and listening to Enya music.
"I hate you," said Hatori, burying his head into his hands.
"But that part's REAL!" Shigure protested.
"I'm not doing this. I'm not going on the Bachelor. I won't. I refuse. I'll go… live in a cave or something, I don't care, I won't-"
"Wait," said Ayame, blowing his nose, "did you just say you won't go on it?"
"What do you mean?" Shigure asked. "Surely you don't mean you WON?"
"What the hell else could I mean?"
"That's not a REJECTION letter?"
"No," said Hatori and handed the letter over to them. Then he turned off the television because it was OFFENDING him.
Shigure and Ayame read the letter and then their mouths dropped open.
"He… WON?" Shigure said.
"That's what it says…" whispered Ayame.
"He WON? But… we just entered it so he would get the rejection letter…"
"Then we could show him the tape…"
"But he actually WON?"
"HE WON…?" both of them said.
You don't have to sound THAT surprised, thought Hatori.
"Gure-san… the Gods of practical jokes… this must be our reward!"
"Aya… all our lives… we've tortured Hatori for this moment!"
And then a clip show started to play, depicting the literally billions of times Ayame and Shigure have pulled pranks on Hatori, starting back when they were itty bitty little babies. I wish I could let you watch it, but unfortunately, only us great Hatori torturers have access. Sorry.
"WE'RE GOING TO BE ON THE BACHELOR!" Ayame and Shigure cheered when it was over.
"No you're not," said Hatori. "Because I'm not going to be the bachelor."
"I said NO."
"But Hatori, we've tortured you our whole lives for this!" they whined.
Hatori thought about ERASING their whole lives and turning them into two drooling idiots, but the Hatori we know and love would never do that. So he just said, "No means NO," as if he were four years old, and he got up. And he LEFT. And that was THAT. And then he came BACK. And he took the VIDEO. Then he left AGAIN. And that was THAT.
HOOONK TO TWO DAYS LATER!
Hatori was sleeping peacefully. Enya was serenading him in his sleep in her beautiful siren song. Whenever he listened to Enya, Hatori felt like he could sleep FOREVER. Everything was so warm and comfy and beautiful…
But there's so many things I need to get done, thought Hatori, and sighed. He'd have to let Enya go.
"You don't need a REASON, just let the day go ON AND ON…" sang Enya.
"Sorry, gotta go," said Hatori.
"WHAT A DAY TO TAKE TO… A WILD CHILD…"
Hatori opened his eyes. And instead of seeing his pillow, he saw Shigure and Ayame talking to That Buddy Barn Guy. And instead of turning his head to see an alarm clock, he saw the SKY. And OCEAN, UNDER that sky.
And he said, 'This is not my bed! This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife!' And he said, 'My God! How did I get here?!'
AS THE DAYS GO BY, THERE IS WATER FLOWING UNDER…!
"Damn," said Shigure, noticing Hatori. "I think the Enya is wearing off."
"You're right," said Ayame.
"HI, Mr. Redundant," said That Buddy Barn Guy sarcastically. "Or should I say, Mr. Redundant Bachelor?"
"…Shigure, Ayame, please don't tell me you smuggled me onto a jet to go do the Bachelor show," said Hatori.
"You're very hard to please, Tori-san," Ayame sniffed.
"No. NO. I am not doing this. Look, you," said Hatori, pointing at That Buddy Barn Guy, "turn around this jet right now."
"I'm AFRAID we can't do that," said That Buddy Barn Guy. "We're taking you straight to Buddy Barn Channel Studio so we can start filming the Bachelor (sponsered in part by That Buddy Barn Guy)"
ARGH! IT WASN'T EVEN THE BBC?! That was the one silver lining on Hatori's cloud! DAMMIT! DAMMIT ALL TO HELL! Why shouldn't he just jump out of the jet right then there and now?!
"I don't want to start filming the Bachelor," said Hatori.
"Well, we're going to be in Hawaii any second," said That Buddy Barn Guy, "so you better START wanting to."
Hatori stood up and even though his legs were numb from sleep, he walked straight and tall like a REAL man. "No. We are turning this jet around. Captain? Sir?" he called through the door in english. "Sir, there's been a mistake. I'm not doing 'the Bachelor.' You can take me back to Japan now."
"I'M the captain of THIS ship!" declared That Buddy Barn Guy, even though it was a jet, "And I'd APPRECIATE it if you'd stop speaking ENGLISH! This is SUPPOSED to be The Bachelor: Lost in Translation!"
"…but I'm fluent in english," said Hatori.
"PAH! Fluent in english! The next thing I know, you'll be telling me that you really ARE good at tennis and that you really ARE a doctor!"
"…I really am a doctor," said Hatori. And he was quite good at tennis, actually.
"Listen HERE, you little Japanese man," said That Buddy Barn Guy and he tried to stare down at Hatori, but that was hard to do since he was about two feet shorter than him, "You're the BACHELOR now. You do what I say. When I say forget english, you speak ching-chong China. When I say date twenty women, you say that's perfectly normal in ching-chong China. And when I say jump, you say how high? Is that clear? Is that CLEAR?"
"IS THAT CLEAR?! YES OR NO?! HUH? HUH? HUH?" yelled That Buddy Barn Guy, pushing Hatori in the chest over and over. Then, before Hatori could say anything, he said, "GOOD!" and walked back over to his seat as if the two had just reached some mutual understanding.
Hatori was about to erase That Buddy Barn Guy's memory and hijack the jet, but suddenly, he was stricken by… AIRSICKNESS! Hatori isn't used to air travel! His tummy got a hurts! He sat down and held it and tried not to give a little moan, and instead muttered delerious death threats towards Ayame and Shigure.
Man, Hatori and Yuffie should SO get together! It'll be like Yuffentori! I mean, they SO match! One is super spunky and greedy and a brat and the other is full of angst and a dark past and transforms INTO things! I mean, it's so obvious! It's not just because they're both sidequest characters at all! OFF COURSE NOT!
"Hey, I was wondering…" said Shigure. "If you're the captain, and you're in here talking to us, then who's in their flying the jet?"
That Buddy Barn Guy gave an enigmatic smile and some MYSTERIOUS music played, and then they flew right over Isla Nublar and the Jurassic Park music cranked up to max volume and they were all like, MAN, still the BEST movie ever.
HOOONK TO THREE MONTHS LATER!
"Tohru, did you hear the popcorn go off?" Kyo called. Tohru was in the kitchen pouring drinks. Kyo WANTED to help her, but she refused. The two of them were getting ready to watch THE BACHELOR: LOST IN TRANSLATION one hour special!
See, Tohru is one of those rare souls who watches the Bachelor and HONESTLY believes that everyone on the show's feelings are REAL and SINCERE! I mean… HOW COULD THEIR LOVE NOT BE REAL? And she was so happy to find out that KYO also liked watching the Bachelor, even though he made her swear never to tell anyone.
See, Kyo is one of those less rare souls like my mom who watches the Bachelor and sort of kind of HOPES that everyone on the show's feelings are REAL and SINCERE! I mean… WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF THEIR LOVE WAS REAL? Plus, he liked watching TV with Tohru because she wouldn't make fun of him for his feelings.
Just so you know… because I know you love to know… Yuki is one of those common souls who watches the Bachelor with vague interest and believes everyone to be a retarded idiot and looks forward to the commercials because at least those are actually funny every one million years. Just so you know.
"This is going to be so much fun!" said Tohru, coming in with a big bowl of popcorn and two bottles of coke. "Watching the Bachelor with Kyo-kun… it's too bad no one else is here to watch!"
ACTUALLY… Yuki was watching it with Kimi, Machi, and Kakeru because Kimi is an insanely big fan of the Bachelor and is forcing them to watch. And Haru is also a big fan of it, but mostly because he has no idea what is going on. So they were all making preperations to watch it too.
"What are you doing?" Kyo demanded, springing up. "Don't try and carry all that stuff on your own! You're just going to drop most of it!"
"No, no, I'm fine!"
"Here, let me help you…" said Kyo and then he TOUCHED her hand, OH MY GOD.
(skip five pages worth of sexual tension (if you can call it in those two kid's cases))
"It's STARTING!" Tohru cheered, but it was only acting like it was starting, and they had to watch a Sonic commercial. But they didn't mind, because Sonic commercials are funny. Kyo sat on ONE end of the couch and Tohru sat at the other. And they SHARED the popcorn bowl in the middle. That way they could BOTH reach the popcorn. And have akward HAND TOUCHING moments! CRAZY ROMANTIC HIJINKS!
"NOW it's starting," said Kyo, and since he was the master of Sohma Bachelor watching, of course, it was.
"'ONE MAN… TWENTY WOMEN… ON A QUEST FOR TRUE LOVE…'" said the metrosexual narrarator.
"'True rabu…'" Tohru echoed in english. By the way, the show was airing in english with japanese subtititles. Yes, I realize this is more complicated than the usual Shoopuf Basket fare that you're used to, but I can't shelter you all your lives.
" 'Toowandu woomanu'," repeated Kyo.
The metrosexual guy went on and on about how the Bachelor would have to weed out the women and eventually either dump or marry the remaining chick. Come on, you've seen the Bachelor before, I shouldn't have to explain it to you.
"BUT THERE'S A NEW TWIST…" said the metrosexual narrator.
"WHAT? AS IF YOU HAVEN'T MENTIONED IT IN COMMERCIALS FIFTY BILLION FRICKIN' TIMES!" the whole world shouted except for Tohru and Kyo who eagerly waited to be enlightened.
"THE BACHELOR DOESN'T KNOW ENGLISH! HE'S FROM JAPAN! NOW… HE'LL HAVE TO FIND TRUE LOVE… WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING WHAT'S GOING ON!"
"Uah!" said Tohru. "What a hard challenge!"
"It's RETARDED," said Kyo.
"But Kyo-kun, don't you think, perhaps true love could conquer any barrier?"
"W-well, MAYBE," Kyo muttered, turning red. He took a sip of his coke.
"HE IS…" said the metrosexual narrator, "THE BACHELOR!" And then a man in a suit turned around and the man in a suit was Hatori. He stared out through the television at the world miserably.
"HATORI-SAN?!" Tohru cried. Kyo spat his coke out seven feet.
A Haverty's commercial began to play. Kyo and Tohru stared at the television screen in complete shock. Neither of them said a word. Their simple minds were boggled. All they managed to say before the commercials were over was: "Wasn't he fluent in english?" And then the show was back on.
SHOW FORMAT FTW!
Narrator: Before the BACHELOR, Hadorki Zoma meets twenty BEAUTIFUL, single women, he'll have one last INSPIRATIONAL talk with his two best friends, AYAMEE AND SHIGUREE ZOMA!
(Where did they learn to pronounce names? Funimation? HUR HUR HUR…hur…)
Narrator: Both Ayamee and Shiguree are FLUENT in english, unlike their bachelor friend Hatori.
(Shigure and Ayame waving their arms in front of a palm tree like two stranded idiots)
Ayame: HERRO AMERICA!
Shigure: WE RIKE YOU PRETTY GURZ! COMEU SEE US!
Both: COMEU SEE USSSSSSSSSSSS! YOSH!
Narrator: These two have been Hadorki's friends for practically forever. Both had practical advice to give him before he set out to meet the women – one of which COULD become his true love!
(Shigure and Ayame sitting in front of Hatori at a table. Hatori looks so miserable that you'd think he's just watched fifty puppies getting tossed out a airplane into a burning crater. Shigure and Ayame are unsucessfully smothering hysteric laughter)
Subtitles: You need to find someone mature. Someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with.
Ayame: HAHA…HA… KORE GA… KORE GA… OKASHI SUGITE!!!
Subtitles: But that doesn't mean you can't, like, have fun while you're looking, sweetie, if you know what I mean. I mean, come on.
(Both scream with laughter. Hatori stares on hollowly)
Subtitles: (all laugh)
ZOMA SHIGUREE (Age 27, Novelist): Itzu justa wanna find true rabu. Yes. For Haa-san. Me more. Rabu American girlzu. Bureatfiru EYES. (stares into the camera) Ookina mune.
ZOMA AYAMEE (Age 26, Transvesite?): Great experience-u! Wonderfurru! One thingu, can I say? (screams into the camera) YUKI! NOBODY BEAT OUR BROTHER RABU!
Narrator: And with that advice, Hadorki is ready to meet the twenty women!
(Annoying little twerp who I'd like to nuke and Hatori standing in front of a big fancy house)
Twerp: They're almost here, Hadorki. How are you feeling?
Twerp: Nervous, huh? Then again, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SAYING! CRAZY!
Narrator: THE BACHELOR MEETS TWENTY WOMEN! WHO WILL HE FLIRT WITH? WHO WILL FLIRT WITH HIM? WHO WILL GET A ROSE? WHO WILL GO HOME… BROKEN-HEARTED? FIND OUT NEXT ON… THE BACHELOR! LOST IN TRANSLATION!
Kyo and Tohru had recovered enough to talk among themselves at this point.
"I don't understand…" said Kyo. "Hatori would never want to do the Bachelor."
"No… it definitely doesn't seem like Hatori-san," said Tohru.
But that would have to mean Shigure and Ayame actually made this happen. They actually got Hatori to make a fool out of himself on universal television, thought Kyo, since That Buddy Barn Channel is the world's only universal channel. They actually… no. If I believe that they were able to do that, then I can no longer believe in God.
"MAYBE, this whole time, Hatori-san really was searching for true love!" Tohru exclaimed.
"…no," said Kyo.
"NOW BACK TO… THE BACHELOR!" said the narrator.
Twerp: Here they are, Hadorki… in one of those cars, your TRUE LOVE is waiting!
(fancy limos pull up. Hatori gives a dark sigh and rolls his EYE, because you can't see the other one. The first girl walks out of the car)
Stacey Blah: (Age:25, Blahdeblah) I was like, so nervous, about meeting the Bachelor. I mean, he doesn't even speak ENGLISH. I was just thinking, what am I even doing here?!
(Stacey Blah walks in front of Hatori with a very scary permagrin. Hatori attempts to smile but it fails.)
Stacey Blah: Konichiwa! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (laughs for like five miutes then unsmoothly hugs Hatori and tries to kiss him, but you can't just KISS Hatori, girl.) Well, my name's Stacey Blah, and I'm a Blahdeblah, and… this is SO crazy!
Stacey Blah: (interview screen) And then, as soon as I looked into his eyes, it was like WHAM! (close up on Hatori's very emotionless eye) There was just so much love and kindness and wonderfulness there that it seemed like we DIDN'T need words to communicate. I could just tell there was a CONNECTION. CONNECTION. CONNECTION. (keeps saying connection until the show is over)
Twerp: Ha-ha, one down, NINETEEN to go! (fades back into the shadows or wherever it is he goes when he's not needed)
(Nineteen more women are introduced to Hatori. And guess what? THEY ALL DO THE EXACT SAME THING! HOORAY!! SO EXCITING! I'M SO GLAD I'M MISSING HEROES FOR THIS!)
Narrator: Now it's time for HADORKI to go get accquainted with the girls… even though he can't understand a single word they're saying! AWK!
(Hatori sitting on a couch and massaging his temple)
Janet Blah: (Age 27, Blahdeblah) Okay, so, I kind of, STOLE Hadorki away from some of the other girls, (She sits next to Hatori and flails around in an attempt to get his attention) but I don't feel bad about it at all. I mean, it's not everday that you feel this kind of a CONNECTION, SO CONNECTION CONNECTION, OUT OF THE WAY BITCH, I'VE GOT A CONNECTION.
(sappy music starts to play)
Janet Blah: So, I've always liked blah, that's why I do blah. Blah? I feel like we've got a real connection. (smiles and nods)
Hatori: (sighs through his nose)
(RINSE AND REPEAT EIGHT TIMES!)
Narrator: Now, Hadorki has to give out the WHITE rose to the girl whom he enjoyed 'talking' with the most! HA HA! TALKING! HE DOESN'T GET IT! HA!
Hatori: (chucks white rose over his shoulder. Kelsey Blah catches it.)
Kelsey Blah: (Age 27, BlahDEEblah) I was so happy… I knew we had a connection.
Twerp: (respawns out of the shadows) Sorry girls. I've got to take Hadorki away now.
Girls: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW(continues on for an hour)
Narrator: Now Hadorki must sit in a room full of the women's pictures and think about which ones he should choose. It's very HARD. Watch him and see how HARD it is to choose!
Hatori: Kaeru… naritai.
Subtitles: It's just so hard. I feel a connection with so many of these girls. I don't want to hurt their feelings. But… it's just hard.
Narrator: WHO WILL HE CHOOSE? WHO WILL GET A ROSE? WHO WILL GO HOME… BROKEN-HEARTED? FIND OUT NEXT ON… THE BACHELOR!
"Did you say this was a one hour special?" Kyo asked.
"Yes…" said Tohru.
"I wonder what happens in the end," said Kyo.
"Perhaps he found true love right away! Perhaps she's already HERE!"
"He said he wanted to go home on the show," said Kyo doubtfully.
"It will all work out! I believe in you Hatori-san!" Tohru exclaimed, staring into the television.
"NOW BACK TO… THE BACHELOR!"
Twerp: Okay Hadorki… you have twenty beautiful women here. But there are only fifteen roses here in this bowl. (points to bowl) TWENTY WOMEN. FIFTEEN ROSES. TWENTY… WOMEN… FIFTEEN…ROH-ZES… do you UNDERSTAND?
Hatori: (vein pops)
Twerp: I know it's tough, but it has to be done. Now… here come the women. (turns into a bat and flies away)
(All the Miss Blahs walk in. They all stare really hard at Hatori, because if they stare hard enough, they will remind him of their CONNECTION! REMEMBER THE CONNECTION, HATORI?! OH SO MANY CONNECTIONS!)
Hatori: (in english) …that's it. I'm not doing this. Look, ladies, I'm sorry that you're disillusioned enough to come out here and do this, but I'm not going to be a part of it. I'm going back to Japan.
Lacey Blah: Before he started the rose ceremony, Hadorki gave us this little speech in Japanese or Chinese or whatever… it was so sincere. He's so sincere.
Hatori: I'm serious. I'm leaving now. Sorry. (turns around)
Twerp: (appearing in front of him like a VAMPIRE! WHOA!) No, Hadorki. You have to take the ROSE and give it to a GIRL.
Hatori: My name's Hatori. I'm speaking english. I'm not doing this show anymore.
Twerp: Ha-ha, I think our Bachelor's a little confused!
Girls: (laugh in an understanding way)
Hatori: I AM SPEAKING ENGLISH. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Twerp: (takes Hatori's arm) Now come, just come over here and we'll move on with the Rose ceremony…
Hatori: No. Look, don't touch me. I don't like you. I don't like your weird little face with its weird little smile. I'm leaving. If you have a problem, you can call the Sohma Family lawyer.
(Hatori walks out of the room)
(Cut to Twerp walking in front of a cameraman, following Hatori down a hallway)
Twerp: I think he's confused… he probably has to use the bathroom or something… if only we had a translator handy…
(Hatori turns around and punches him in the face. YES! YES! YES! I'VE WANTED – I MEAN, HATORI'S WANTED TO DO THAT FOR SO LONG)
Hatori: Sayonara. (walks out the door like a dorky badass)
(black screen for two minutes)
(sad guitar music that is unfortunately forever etched into my memory)
Whatever Blah: It's just… I'm used to rejection, but… he didn't give anyone a rose. And that just makes me feel like I've, you know, lost. Even though it's love. I mean, I wish him all the best but… SOB SOB SOB…
Twerp: (talking to empty space where Bachelor should be) Well, I know that was hard, but it's only going to get harder. Now there are no girls. And no bachelor. Yes… very hard. (rubs black eye)
Narrator: THE BACHELOR HAS LEFT! THE GIRLS HAVE LEFT! THE SHOW IS OVER! WHO WILL GET A ROSE? WHO WILL GO HOME… BROKEN-HEARTED? FIND OUT NEVER ON… THE BACHELOR!
And then Law and Order came on.
"Wow…" said Kyo. "That was… uh…"
"H-hatori-san is wonderful!" exclaimed Tohru because she was too afraid to say anything else.
There was really nothing more they could say. I mean… what DO you say after that?
"… I taped last week's Pirate Master," said Kyo. "Wanna watch it?"
"But haven't you already seen it, Kyo-kun?"
"I don't mind watching it again," said Kyo. For the fifth time, he thought.
And so they did! Yay?
"Now I'm just depressed," said Shigure once the show had ended.
"Me too," pouted Ayame. "It's like… reading the last Calvin and Hobbes comic."
"Haa-san, IT'S OVER!" Shigure called to Hatori, who had locked himself up in his room. He didn't intend to come out for a year. Oh well! That's how long it usually takes me to update anyway, so he'll be out again by then. Don't worry!
"SIGH…" sighed Shigure and Ayame. That prank had been a double-edged sword! After that, what fun was wrecking Hatori's car and putting salt in Hatori's Applejacks and selling Hatori's glasses on e-bay going to be?
No! You guys can't give up! The message of Fruits Basket is to never, EVER give up! Not on anything or anyone! You can push through! You can torture Hatori! Someday, you can torture him in ways even FARTHER than this! I know you can!
"You're right!" Ayame exclaimed. "We can't give up!"
"We just have to think of an even better prank!" said Shigure.
"Gure-san," said Aya, standing up and stroking his chin, "I think this is the continuation of a beautiful friendship."
"I'm in your care then, Aya-chan," said Shigure, holding out his hand. And then Ayame took it, and A Little Pain started to play.
If, back then, we had been a little more mature, maybe we could have had a different future where Hatori didn't pwn us with a p for all the tricks we played on him.
If you could go back in time, where would you go?
I would go all the way back to the beginning. All of the crap we pulled on Hatori is the only thing I wouldn't erase...
Hatori lay on his bed, listening to Enya, and trying to put this all behind him. However… at the same time…
"Jessica Blah was kind of cute," he said. "I've always wondered what it'd be like to date a blahdeblah."
"A WILD CHILD…"
Then he wondered what it would be like to date Enya and decided that was enough wondering for one day.
The world is changing… the world is CHANGIN', yo! And so am I! However, I never can tell when this mood will strike me! Maybe someday, forty years from now, I'll update again, not even knowing what Fruits Basket is ABOUT anymore. I'll just think it's some crazy series about people torturing a guy called Hatori!
(Actually, that's what it is about)
Anyway, to anyone who still ever bothers to read this silliness, I love you guys. I love Furuba. It's the one thing I consistently love enough to make fun of like this. So… LOVE!
PURSUE YOUR DREAMS! DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELVES! DON'T DO DRUGS! DON'T FEED THE CARL! FEED THE BIGFOOT ALL YOU WANT! I WANT PERSONA 3! SEE YOU COWGIRL, SOMETIME, SOMEWHERE!
Carl: What is up with you and references?
…you wait until now to ask that…?