When everyone is awake, Shuichi smiles and laughs. When everyone is asleep, Shuichi would stand at the edge of the rooftop with eyes closed and arms outstretched as if he wants to fly. "Yuki-san, you should advise him to not stand too close to the edge all the time. He could fall." And Yuki is rendered speechless... One-Shot?
The poem "Within This Shattered Heart" used in this fic belongs to me. In other words, it's MINE. I know I should be updating 'Solitude Chronicles' and 'And if the Sun Won't Shine…' but I really need to write one-shots once in a while. Shuichi's dream is the dream I've been having these past couple of days. So… There. Enjoy reading and please (I beg you), leave me at least one review. Oh, one more thing, standard disclaimers apply. Ja!
Anyone here have lj? I'm looking for more friends XD.
"On the Edge"
A YukixShuichi Story
Soaked, dishevelled pink hair swayed as rough wind caressed his whole being ruthlessly. Cold rain showered his uncaring body. Both his feet were at the edge of the rooftop. Just another step, he would fly downwards and hit the hard pavement below. A lone tear joined the rainwater before finding its way to the man's chin. His lips curved upwards in a sad, mournful smile. With arms outstretched, he closed his eyes to savour the soothing breeze and the refreshing rain…
One last time.
Whispering a silent goodbye, he jumped off the edge.
Shindou Shuichi awoke with a start. He was drenched in sweat albeit the cold atmosphere he was in. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands violently and looked around. He was still in the comfort of his lover's apartment. He had fallen off the couch when he was asleep. Shuichi sighed heavily. 'Same dream yet again,' he thought mournfully. For over a week, he had been experiencing the same dream in his sleep over and over again. To tell the truth, he did not know what to call it. It was more a nightmare than a dream. It was always of himself standing on the edge of the rooftop of the apartment complex – Yuki Eiri's apartment complex. In his dreams, he always jumped off the edge. Just before his body would hit the ground, he would wake up; pale, panting and sweating.
The clock on the wall struck two just as Shuichi looked up to look at the time. He cast a silent glance towards the door to his lover's room and slowly got off the couch. Shuichi slipped out of his sleeping garments to don a set of normal attire. He tried to make as little noise as possible as he crept out of the dark apartment and climbed the stairs up to the deserted rooftop. No one was there, save for the cool, spring gust. In the distance, city light could be seen producing light pollution. Of course, the light would still be on in the megalopolis even at this very hour. Shuichi scrutinised the rooftop. He shivered at the resemblance of the current situation to the ones in his dreams, minus the rain.
He had only been up here once in his lifetime. How could it appear in his dreams, in perfect details no less? He was never a smart one. He surely did not have photographic memory either. Savouring the calming breeze, Shuichi decided it was only a nightmare and that he shouldn't think much about it. True, there were times he contemplated suicide especially when Yuki throw him out of the apartment. But the thoughts always faded away when they got back together. Still, he could not deny that with every harsh word thrown his way, his heart died little by little. After an hour, he returned to his couch and promptly fell asleep. For the next few days, the same dream replayed. Shuichi found himself always running to the rooftop after he woke up from his nightmares. The strangest thing, however, was the knowledge that he always woke up when the clock struck two.
Yuki Eiri glared at the paper bags full of groceries in his arms. He really should have made Shuichi buy these stuff but no; his softer side reasoned that he should be the one doing it. It was Sunday afternoon. Usually, Shuichi would jump at every opportunity to go shopping with his beloved Yuki. This Sunday, the impossible occurred. Shuichi was still sleeping on his couch, and Yuki had no heart to wake the younger man up. The previous night was quite peaceful if Yuki recalled correctly. Shuichi had gone to sleep early, giving him the privilege of completing a whole new chapter of his novel. If the brat had gone to bed early, why was he still tired? There were bags under his eyes which confused Yuki even more.
When Yuki was about to cross the road to his apartment complex, a security guard of the building next to Yuki's stopped him. Yuki bowed slightly to the middle-aged man, wondering what he could have done to annoy the guard. "Did I do anything wrong, sir?" he asked very politely, so unlike him. As cold as he was, he still respected people older than him. Well, most people older than him. The guard smiled and shook his head lightly. "No, you didn't do anything. There is one thing I thought you should know, though." Yuki frowned. Did anyone tried to break into his apartment or something?
"Yuki-san, you should advise him to not stand too close to the edge all the time. It's dangerous and he could fall."
Okay, now Yuki was really confused. "Him?"
"Shindou-san, of course. Lately, he's been visiting the rooftop far too often. I saw him standing at the edge at night too, just standing there. You really should tell him to stop doing that. It won't be good if he happens to lose his balance or slips off the edge."
Shuichi had been standing at the edge of the rooftop.
Yuki swore his heart stopped for a moment there. The guard left and Yuki walked to the safety of his apartment in a daze. Why would Shuichi do something as stupid as that? Was he feeling upset or depressed? Was Shuichi contemplating… suicide? With that thought in mind, Yuki dashed out of the elevator as soon as it reached his floor. If something happened to Shuichi, Yuki would never be able to forgive himself. Just as he opened the door to yell Shuichi's name, a loud "Yuuuuuuukiii!" echoed and the next he knew, the groceries were scattered on the floor and he was being straddled by a pink bundle of energy. "Yuki! Yuki! Yuki! Where did you go? I thought you've left me all alone again!"
Yuki frowned at that. Shuichi didn't look depressed or upset at all. Maybe he was mistaken. Maybe Shuichi just wanted to have some fresh air. "Ne, Yuki! Why didn't you wake me up? I can't believe I've wasted Sunday morning sleeping when I could be with you!"
"Baka, get off of me! I don't care if you waste your Sundays or whatever. You sleeping and being quiet give me my much needed peace. Hmph!" Yuki growled as he pushed Shuichi off of him to get up. Shuichi pouted and muttered "Yuki is so mean!" to himself before helping Yuki to pick up the scattered grocery items. The handsome novelist never got his 'much needed peace' that day. Shuichi constantly talked, not caring if his Yuki were listening or not. Later that night, Shuichi went to bed early again. Yuki thought the Bad Luck vocalist was exhausted from all the talking he'd done that day. Maybe the guard had seen the wrong person, Yuki thought. Nothing seemed amiss with Shuichi.
The clock struck two.
Yuki's fingers came to an abrupt halt and hovered over the keyboard keys when a sharp gasp from the living room resonated throughout the silent apartment. Curious, he peeped through a small crack of his office door to see what the commotion was all about. What he saw struck a chord in his heart. A panic-stricken Shuichi was hastily getting dressed and dashing out of the apartment in record time. Yuki shook his head to assure himself that what he just saw was real. Shutting his laptop down, he ran out of the apartment and scanned the road for any sign of Shuichi running down the street. No such luck. He only just noticed it was raining outside. 'Where the hell did the brat go?'
"Lately, he's been visiting the rooftop far too often. I saw him standing at the edge at night too, just standing there."
Yuki's eyes widened as he recalled the guard's words. Praying to God it wasn't true, Yuki looked up… and his heart stopped for a little while. Shuichi was up there, standing at the edge and probably soaked to his skin. The wind started blowing a little more violently. Yuki couldn't move. He was frozen where he stood. "Shu… Shuichi…" And then, it happened.
Shuichi jumped off the edge.
Yuki woke up panting. He looked around and found himself still in his room. "Kami-sama…" Shaking his head violently, Yuki jumped out of bed and darted out of his bedroom. The couch was empty… and Yuki paled. No, it couldn't be. Shuichi had not left, had he? It was just a nightmare, wasn't it? Then, why was the couch empty? Shuichi couldn't have…
The novelist spun on his heels in shock. Shuichi was leaning against the kitchen door with his favourite mug in his right hand. He looked confused. "Are you okay, Yuki? You don't look too good." Yuki took a deep breath and studied the younger man standing just a few metres away. Pink hair, amethyst eyes… It was his Shuichi, his lover – vocalist and songwriter of Bad Luck. His Shuichi was still there. Instead of showing his relieve, the author glared. "You woke me up, kuso gaki. Next time, try not to make any sound if you wake up at this goddamn hour again." With that, Yuki retreated back to his room and slammed the door shut, locking it behind him. He failed to see the dejected expression that crossed Shuichi's face.
Three nights later…
"Damn it, brat! Look at what you've done!" Yuki howled, pointing his finger fixatedly at the blank screen of his laptop monitor. Shuichi, while trying to bring coffee for the grumpy novelist, had accidentally tripped and sent the cup of caffeinated drink flying into the air. The cup and dark liquid landed squarely on the laptop, splashing some of them onto Yuki's expensive shirt. Shuichi winced at the force in Yuki's voice. He screwed things up like he always did. "I… I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to."
"To hell with your apologies. My deadline is next week and now you have to go and ruined my hard works. Why do you always have to bring me grief? I've had enough of your shit! Get out of this house now. Out!"
"Yuki! I didn't mean to! I'm sorry, Yuki! I was just trying to make you happy!"
"I'd be happy if you're not around, you damn brat. GET OUT!" The enraged novelist dragged the sobbing songster out of the office and shoved the boy out of the apartment. He ignored the pleading cries and the sound of Shuichi pounding frantically on the door. About half an hour later, the apartment was quiet again, save for Yuki's occasional growl and sighs. Okay, he overreacted again. Truthfully, he had a back-up copy of his current project in an external hard-drive. He just wanted to teach his lover a lesson.
Another heavy sigh escaped his lips. Maybe he was too harsh on the boy. A flash of lightning suddenly illuminated the night sky, followed by the grumbling thunder. Soon, it was raining cats and dogs. By the time Yuki decided to call Hiro to ask for Shuichi, it was already thirty minutes past one in the morning. On his way to the phone stand, Yuki saw a book sticking out of the sofa Shuichi slept on. He debated whether or not should he open the mysterious book – mysterious because he knew it could not be Shuichi's songbook or sketch book. Five minutes later, curiosity won over pride.
Yuki certainly was not prepared for the content of the 'mysterious' object.
It was like a daily journal kept by Shuichi. Every entry started with "Today, Yuki said these to me:". In every entry, all the harsh words Yuki ever told Shuichi was kept tidily. The words included 'Zero talent', 'You irritate me', 'You frustrate me', 'Kuso gaki', 'Get out of my sight!', 'Get lost!' and so on. Yuki suddenly felt so sick that he wanted to vomit. The book fell from his shaking hands onto the coffee table. For some reason, it was open where Shuichi's last journal entry was written on. A white paper obviously torn from the singer's sketch pad was attached to the page, below a single sentence that marked the entry, which was "I'm so tired." Yuki tore the attached paper out and unfolded it to reveal a carefully written poem. The title caused the romance novelist to choke.
"Within This Shattered Heart" by Shindou Shuichi
Yuki read on although his whole body was trembling.
was like breeze in winter:
tender and smooth but
cold; chilling to the bone.
were sandstorms in deserts:
harsh and blunt and sharp
and blinding my sight.
was twilight of the night:
beautiful in their eyes
but cold and hard on the surface;
repelling the warmer light I gave
were designer jewels on display:
shining with forged vivacity,
lovely and priceless, they were
admired and loved,
but frozen just the same.
was a sweet cotton-candy:
easily melts and fades away,
hardens at a damp touch.
Too short the sweetness lingers,
replaced by a thirst
that you cared not of.
If the poem surprised Yuki, the lines at the bottom of it shocked him more.
I'm so scared of myself.
Yuki, please save me!
Yuki shoved the piece of paper into his pocket and rushed to the phone. He quickly dialled Hiro's number and demanded to speak to Shuichi. "What are you talking about, Yuki-san? Shuichi isn't here." Yuki didn't wait for Hiro's next words. He was already looking for signs of Shuichi on the street, not caring of the heavy rain and violent wind. While wondering where Shuichi could have gone to, a strong sense of déjà vu hit him hard. This was just like his nightmare a few days ago… 'Holy God…' He brought his gaze up to look at the rooftop, and froze. "No… Shuichi!" He didn't think. He just ran, not even waiting for the elevator. The word "No!" repeated itself like a mantra in his head.
He failed to notice the turmoil in Shuichi's heart. It was so easy to overlook the pain with Shuichi's cheerful front. It never crossed his mind that the smile pasted on Shuichi's face was just a mask. Damn himself and his stupid pride! Shuichi was already on the edge of breaking down and he'd pushed him over it. 'Shuichi, my Shuichi, I'm so sorry!' He didn't mean it when he told Shuichi he'd had enough of the boy. He didn't want to say it. His defence just kicked in before he had the time to register what he was saying. Yuki ran, and ran to the captor of his heart.
The booming thunder matched the scream in his heart. He just hoped he'd be in time to reach Shuichi. "Shuichi! Don't do it!" However, the vocalist was oblivious to everything around him.
Just a little more and he'd reach Shuichi.
Just a few more steps
"How is he, doctor?" asked a worried Yuki.
The dark haired doctor ran through the report one more time before handing it over to the nurse. "Well, Yuki-san… Physically, Shindou-san is fine. I can't say the same about his psychological state, though. That, we have to wait until he wakes up. Suicide attempts are serious, by the way."
The doctor and the nurse left, leaving Yuki alone with the unconscious Shuichi. He'd managed to catch the singer before falling to his death. The impact of his head against the wall knocked Shuichi unconscious. He would be suffering mild concussion for a little while. Yuki thanked the God for being in time to save Shuichi. He swore to himself that things were going to change from this on. He didn't know how long he sat there but when Shuichi's eyes fluttered open, he decided he didn't care. "Shuichi…" He grasped Shuichi's limp hand and kissed the back of it. Shuichi frowned. "Yuki?"
"Aa, it's me."
Shuichi's frown turned into a sad one. He snatched his hand away and hid his face with the pillow. "Go away, Yuki. You shouldn't be here."
"Don't you want me to be here, Shuichi?"
Tears formed in Shuichi's eyes. "I've always wanted you to be with me, Yuki. But you will never be happy if I'm around."
"You told me so. Go away, Yuki. I don't want you to be unhappy because you're with me."
Yuki knew nothing could erase the things that he said. This was not the Shuichi who whined and pouted when Yuki mistreated him. This was the true Shuichi, the Shuichi who was pushed over the limit by cold words and harsh treatments. Ignoring Shuichi's protests, Yuki gathered the boy into his arms and held him tight. The words exchanged then were only reserved for the two of them. The conversation was not meant for the others' ears. The little conversation brought both of them to tears. The rest of the night was filled with tears, apologies and revelations... and love.
An understanding was reached.
Shuichi smiled. He was later required to be in the hospital at least once a week for psychological therapy. It might take weeks, months or even years for him to heal but he knew everything would be alright again. The nightmares he once had were no more. He had Yuki and Yuki had him. He also had his friends and family members who cared. No, scratch that. They had each other. At the beginning, maybe it was Yuki who pushed him over the edge. But in the end, it was Yuki who gave him hope. It was always Yuki who would pull him back. Soon, true smiles and laughter were back. Silence no longer had a place between them. Whenever the nightmare returned, Yuki would hold him in his arms and whispered to him, "You don't have to be afraid of yourself anymore, Shu-chan. Your Yuki will always save you."
…And Shindou Shuichi was on the edge no more.