The Diary Of An Erik

Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

Author's Note: My characters are not based particularly on any version of the story, and are rather mixes of all the versions that I have read/seen/listened to. They will probably wind up being a bit out of character for the sake of comedy. The timeline I'm going by is based on the fact that the Masquerade Ball takes place at new years, and that all the events of before took place six months earlier, as in the stage show. As for the exact days, don't think for a second I have any idea what I'm talking about, because I haven't. Please Read and Review, I hope you enjoy it.

July 3rd, 1881

Dear Diary,

Have been very bored down in opera house cellars lately. Am considering purchasing a pinball machine.

Would prefer foosball table, but cannot see how such a game could be enjoyed by one person.

Perhaps shall kidnap that pretty singer, Christine to come keep me company, and play foosball.

Shall look into that later.


July 6th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Have contacted foosball company, will take a month to ship foosball table.

Threatened them with severe punjabbing to no avail. So hard to find efficient workers.

Oh well, Christine did not seem pleased with the prospective of sitting in a celler full of mildew to play foosball with a social recluse.

Said the mildew was bad for her skin.


July 8th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Someone has been sitting in my box again. Have alerted the managers, said I did not appreciate my box being used, especially when it retained a nauseating smell of cherry lip gloss afterwards.

Also got my new issue of "Cooking Light". They had a delightful recipe for blueberry waffles.

Perhaps Christine would like me better if I could make outstanding waffles?


July 13th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Finally succeeded in blueberry waffle ventures after severely scorching most of the kitchen.

Christine unimpressed.

Said she prefers cherries to blueberries.

I can't do anything right.


July 18th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Still bitter about the waffle incident.

Decided to drop a chandelier on some unsuspecting victims and stir up other bits of assorted trouble.

Contrary to popular belief, Carlotta croaked all on her own.

Told the managers it was because I caught the Vicomte in my box, accompanied by the nauseating cherry scent.

Coincidence? I think not.


July 20th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Have found new perspective on the issue of the Vicomte in my box.

Is exceedingly amusing to pull his ponytail when he isn't looking.

Christine still won't budge on the waffle issue.

I even put ice cream on them.

Oh well, more waffles for me.


July 24th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Have grown bored of pulling on the Vicomte's ponytail.

Decided to lop the whole damn thing right off.

Poor Vicomte proceeded to snivel and cry for a few hours.



July 25th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Have decided my evil laugh needs work.

Moohaha is hardly capable of instilling fear.

Cherry smell will not come out of Box Five. Have already stolen six air fresheners from the car wash, and sprayed a full can of Lysol.


July 27th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Have removed multi-colored pine tree air fresheners from Box Five as they do not improve the smell, and are very ugly, quite frankly.

Decided to instead invest in several more cans of Lysol.

Managers still tittering about chandelier incident.

Come on guys, that is SO nine days ago.


July 28th, 1881

Dear Diary,

Christine has suspected me of removing the fop's ponytail.

Told her I absolutely did not do it.

She then proceeded to inquire about my new coincidentally ponytail-shaped moustache.

Told her it was all the rage in Paris.

She pointed out that we were, in fact, in Paris.



July 31st, 1881

Dear Diary,

Have decided to ditch the ponytail-moustache, as it was not at all flattering.

Have gotten Christine to agree to come down and play foosball sometimes. Bribed her with coupons for Herbal Essences shampoo.

I knew those would come in handy some day.