The Diary Of An Erik
Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.
Author's Note: Thank you so much to everyone who voted for me at the phanphic awards! Thanks to all of my fans, I won! AND I'M SO SORRY TO EVERYONE! It's been an obscenely long time since my last update. I've been particularly involved with my phic "The Shadow In The Wings" and... GAH! I'm really sorry! Forgive me for being a bad authoress! I'll make up for it! I made more shirts. LOL! Even if you don't buy them, they're still funny to look at. There's 4 new designs, and I've redone the shop. There's a link at the bottom.
September 1st, 1882
Have just seen the papers.
Fop not as incompetant in revenge attempts as I had hoped.
Has submitted some rather embarassing photos of me to the tabloids.
Cannot have people running around with the false impression that I suck my thumb.
Because I don't, of course.
He photoshopped it, I'm sure.
September 2nd, 1882
Have been running around the tabloid offices punjabbing the persons responsible for the publishing of the aforementioned photographs.
Was not very effective.
As I walk through the streets people laugh at me and whisper.
Well, more than they used to, anyway...
September 3rd, 1882
Have raided the fops room of any photographs that could potentially be used for blackmail.
Including the one of me hugging something that looks suspiciously like a teddy bear.
It isn't, of course.
I was just folding my laundry.
My brown shirt.
With fur on it.
September 5th, 1882
After recent traumatizing events, have decided that perhaps shrink trip will not be so bad.
Am going later this afternoon.
Christine would have made me go anyway, though.
Traumatized or not.
Although she claims I was traumatized to begin with...
September 6th, 1882
Shrinks are so wonderfully pointless.
If I had a nickel for every time that damned man said "And how does that make you feel" I might just have enough nickels to pay the damned bill entirely in bloody nickels!
I actually entertained the idea of dropping a rather large bucket of nickels on the shrink's head, as the lighting fixture in the room was too small to do any damage if dropped.
The shrink says I should stop dropping lighting fixtures.
And antagonizing the fop.
And all other mischief-making should cease.
I then asked what exactly I was supposed to do to entertain myself.
Shrink prescribed Television.
September 7th, 1882
Have begun my new regimen of watching television instead of dropping chandeliers.
Although how the general public sits on couches staring at moving pictures for hours on end is beyond me.
I really am getting bored.
I almost miss the fop...
Well, mostly I just miss annoying him.
September 8th, 1882
No longer miss the fop.
Apparently, there was a photograph I did not confisgate.
A very bad one.
Very VERY bad.
Am going back to the shrink, because I can't stand this "television" thing, and because I am feeling some oncoming emotional distress.
And the shrink says that's bad.
September 10th, 1882
I thought the shrink was pointless before...
Damn did he prove it.
Asked me how I felt about everything.
Replied that I told him how I felt and he damn well better do something about it.
Shrink says I should try not to be so irritable.
I wouldn't BE irritable if everyone ELSE wasn't so damn annoying.
September 14th, 1882
No more shrink appointments for me.
Turns out the lighting fixture in the office wasn't as incompetant as I thought.
He's only in a coma, but that's okay.
Won't have to listen to his "television" advice anymore.
Thanks to my excessive "television" viewing, I'm getting a bit pudgy.
I'd better fix this before I wind up like Piangi.
I'm telling you, you gain a few pounds, and then suddenly it gets out of control and people are mistaking you for a beached whale.
HOW CAN THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA BE MISTAKEN FOR A BEACHED WHALE?
I am getting a gym membership.
September 15th, 1882
First day at gym.
Did not realize that even if you stop walking, the damned tracks on the tredmills keep on moving.
Had a less-than-friendly meeting with a very hard wall behind me.
Not pleasant at all.
Am also still surrounded by televisions.
That can't be good.
September 17th, 1882
Me and the gym were just not made for each other.
Christine suggests I use the pool at the gym.
She's really not all that subtle, is she?
September 18th, 1882
As exercise regimen is really not working, Christine suggests I try therapy again.
Told her absolutely not.
She replied that she had already signed me up for group therapy, so I had no choice.
I hope she does not value the lives of anyone in said group.
She says at least this time, there will be witnesses.
September 19th, 1882
First day in group therapy did not go well.
Well, what was to be expected?
We were sitting in a circle, oh how I despise that shape and it's ROUNDness... so bland and boring...
Anyway, we were going around, stating our names, where we came from, and what we did for a living.
What was I supposed to say? Hi, my name is Bob, I live in Alabama and work at a gas station?
Christine says yes, that is precisely what I should have said.
Told her that I did not need to add "compulsive liar" to my list of mental disorders.
September 21st, 1882
Christine insists I return to group therapy.
Noticed that not too many people came back today.
Do not understand. All I said was "Good morning, my name is Erik, I live in a basement, and to support myself, I haunt the local opera house, occasionally killing people less important than myself."
Do not see what all the fuss is about.
September 23rd, 1882
Fed up with group therapy.
Will punjab the group leader at next meeting.
Hopefully, without leader, remaining persons will scatter like little lost sheep.
If not, will simply have to punjab them as well.
If you look at it, I really win either way, now don't I?
September 24th, 1882
Group leader has been properly disposed of.
As were several stubborn little men who got in the way.
Have taken their name-tags and put them on the wall next to one of the fop's ponytails.
I'm telling you, I should start a whole trophy cabinet with these sort of things.
I wonder if there's a way of finding the remnants of the fop's fingers and toes... I'm not all too keen on sticking my hand into the lake at this particular point in time.
September 26th, 1882
Christine is angry with me.
Says I shouldn't have killed my entire group therapy class.
Told her I didn't kill them all.
And I didn't.
I'm quite certain some of them escaped alive.
September 27th, 1882
Fop has been growing tired of rehersals for Veggie Tales on Ice.
Says his feet are getting blisters.
Told him to cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it.
Fop did not find this funny.
Told him I will come and laugh at him on opening night. In fact, I have already secured my tickets.
Fop did not find this funny either.
Stupid fop, has no sense of humor.
September 29th, 1882
Have invited Christine to the opening night of the Veggie Tales Catastrophe next month.
Said she's love to go.
Says she has a soft spot for tomatoes.
Told her that tomatoes are not really vegetables.
She replied that it doesn't matter, because there's a tomato in Veggie Tales.
What are they trying to teach these children with these damn vegetables that are, in fact, fruits?
September 30th, 1882
Am now in a huge fight with Christine over the whole tomato bit.
She claims that since it's in Veggie Tales, it must be a vegetable.
I showed her that the dictionary states that a tomato is " A widely cultivated South American plant (Lycopersicon esculentum) having edible, fleshy, usually red fruit."
Thank you to...
EverspringNative - Haha, Erik is so clueless. Although I have a feeling he's just pretending. I do tend to quite disregard time, having the diaries dated in 1882 and yet giving Erik a foosball table in his basement. Well come on, did they have Veggie Tales on Ice in 1882?
Kute Anime Kitty - Ah yes, Erik in counseling. We all know he needs it. We'll see how much of it he can take.
Cleesa - My friends and I acting did a foppish fight scene in a movie one of my friends was making for photography class. It was quite hysterical. Even more so when watched in slow motion. Congratulations on no longer being a stage show virgin!
CharmedLeoLvr - Glad you seem to be enjoying the story. I aim to please! And kill time... But mostly to please.
piratingelvenpyro - Raoul does EVERYTHING like a girl it seems. Veggie Tales on Ice will certainly prove to be a wonderful night of family fun. NEXT chapter. What? I already had the foppish revenge plot AND counseling in this one... too much crazy, and we might all pass out. I promise I won't take so long to update this time. Besides, the faster I update, the less time I spend sitting here typing out review replies. I'll have you know that I have FOUR PAGES of reviews to reply to. I FEEL SO LOVED!
gavvie - Thanks for the kind words. Erik needed that counseling, you know it!
peppermintoreo - Oh it's always funny to laugh at exboyfriends. Is he at all foppish? Anyway, as for the fop's cherry lip gloss, I like to keep the humor at a mix of old stuff that carries on, and new stuff, like the Veggie Tales venture. Christine seems to just be one big ball of sexual innuendo. We'll know when Erik gives in to her tricks. There's be an entry that just says. "WOW." LOL.
Marianna Brandon - Oh dear! No heart attacks! Please! I don't need any lawsuits! I already have enough people choking on beverages, my lawyer is beginning to wonder what in heaven's name I've been doing. Prince Charming and Raoul should definitely get together and do lunch or something. In my mind, I just see them as best buddies. I would definitely like to go see how Erik dances when he goes clubbing, but somehow, I just can't imagine him on the dance floor dancing with scantily clad women. That is, until we get there and force him to. Moohaha. Long-term bliss - when eternal bliss is just too long. Hehehe. Hopefully when we learn more about Raoul's Veggie Tale ventures next chapter, it will live up to the hype. That's the one thing I am constantly paranoid of - posting a chapter that's just all around not funny. So you all have to tell me if that happens. And don't worry about posting long reviews. I LOVE 'EM!
Seika Hellsing - Yes, there are interesting times to come with the Fop. I'm not really in the know about Veggie Tales, so I'll have to do some research about that one. But NO Backstreet Boys! I might have to shoot Raoul. And where can I get one of those "ERIK IS SEXY" shirts? I'm a whore for cool shirts. LOL.
Erik's Girlfriend - No worries! And thanks for voting for me! I really appreciate it. I'm pathetic, I printed out the little graphic and hung it in my room.
TheIncredibleOne - I highly doubt any psychologist is going to be able to figure Erik out. I'm sure he's one of the cases not covered in the medical books. You ate some asparagus? EW! I actually hate it with a passion - probably why I used it for Raoul. Because the only other green vegetable that came to mind right away was broccoli, and I like that.
Angel-of-Music1331 - If I was counting on flames to light the stove, I must say, I wouldn't be able to light the stove too often. Most of my reviews are full of nothing but kind words, in fact, I've only had 2 or 3 flames. I think Erik gave those to the fop. I'm imagining Erik now in an appliance store shopping for a waffle maker. Something to store away in the back of my mind for a future chapter.
Arien Belthil - WHOOHOO FOR A FIESTA! Who cares if people think we're weird? We are, aren't we? And it's FUN! Remember, Erik's a real wackjob too, so we can all be weird together!
Lamia - Aw, I hope you're feeling better now! I think next chapter is definitely going to be good, with the Veggie Tales show. Got your other reviews in my inbox! Whee!
Baffled Seraph - I think that Raoul's bedroom is the deepest level of Hell. It's just so... TERRIBLE! And I think you're right, all of us phans probably need the counseling as much as Erik does. Possibly MORE than Erik does. HOORAY FOR GROUP THERAPY!
GoldenLyre - Gah, I feel so bad for letting you all down with updates! I will update! I have no school now, so I'll update everything! I really will! I promise!
AngelOfMusic387 - Now there's a next chapter button! The T-shirt thing really wasn't that hard to do. I'm a total whore for cool T-shirts, as I believe I've already mentioned, so I was gung-ho for spending the few minutes to make them. Phantom of the Opera on ICE. You know what that means, right? ERIK IN TIGHTS! Oh my, that is a VERY lovely thought. We really must investigate that, now, musn't we?
Kill the Fop - Yes, stupid as the fop is, these entries just wouldn't be as funny without him!
Elven Kagome (And Chandelier-S) - Chandeliers are obviously the answer to any problem, and Amber eyes are just awesome. LOL. Aw, I feel guilty now, because everyone is so excited about Veggie Tales, but it's not until next chapter. But believe me, it will be worth it. I hope. LOL.
The Singing Fox Demon - I promise, I'm going to be updating everything soon, everyone's diaries, because FINALLY, my serious phic, "The Shadow In The Wings" is COMPLETED so I can devote all my time and attention to the funny stuff. Yay!
ErikTheDevilsChild - Glad you enjoyed the phic!
wolfofsummerbreeze - Don't hack up a lung! Oh wait, you can live with just one, can't you? Because if you only need one, feel free to hack up the other one. If you like the shirts, you might want to check out the new designs, just to amuse yourself. LOL.
Nade-Naberrie - Want an ice pack or something for the cramp under your ribs from laughing? I hope this chapter didn't make it any worse! Actually, I secretly do, because that would mean you were laughing, and that's what I want!
Opera Cloak - I figured Erik would be paranoid about anybody playing him, even someone as awesome as John. As for fattening Erik up, I think we should watch out, because as we've seen, he and exercise really don't go well together at all. Although I think it'd be funny to see him trip on a treadmill.
LadyofLegends - Glad you like the story, and my mentioning of Hugh Panaro. I love Hugh! LOL.
satha - Knowing nothing about Veggie Tales, I also know nothing about the asparagus that the fop is going to portray! I'll have to go read up on that!
fearsomdiety - You really should get that shirt for your boyfriend, and then ask him to wear a half-mask and serve you blueberry waffles with vanilla ice cream on top. Then he'd be the best boyfriend ever!
Mort - Glad you're enjoying the story - especially the Erik in speedos. Glad you like the shirts as well. I'm really surprised they went over so well, but they did, so I keept adding more! LOL.
White Eevee - Haha, I don't know WHEN this fanfic is going to be done! I'll have to think of a really good ending for it, if I decide that it's going to finish up.
Rouen - Unfortunately, I have no recipe for blueberry waffles. I'm guilty of eating frozen ones out of a box. The Fop's diary, and Christine's will be continued very soon, as I've completed the other phic I was working on.
Emily Singing Reflection - Glad you're amused, and glad Erik was in a good mood on your birthday. I love it when people tell me that there was a really good entry on their birthday!
erik'sangel527 - Glad you think it's hilarious! I try my best.
Kim Sparrow - Glad I was able to make you laugh. That's always my goal with this story, to make people laugh. Glad you like the shirts also.
Sailor Earth Selestina118 - Oh dear, your poor class, I hope they didn't hear you snickering in the background. Sometimes, in the middle of a class at school, I'll think of something really funny to put in and I'll just start laughing.
Tim Lin - Glad you're enjoying the story! I honestly am going to have to read up on Veggie Tales because I have no idea which asparagus Raoul is. I'll have to have my little neighbor educate me - he watches those darn vegetables.
Ms. Selly - You can die from snerk? Actually, I'm convinced that if you snerk enough, you can actually snerk your brain out through your nose. I hope the police don't find me, because then I wouldn't be able to write any more chapters! I like some kinds of lip gloss, but the one that actually inspired Raoul's cherry lip gloss obsession is this awful one that my sister has, it smells so disgusting, it seriously makes me sick when she pulls it out.
Regina Scorpio - Personally, I think that for however much Nadir's laundry stinks, Erik's laundry must stink much worse. I mean, does he have a washing machine down there?
Harlequin - Ha, I don't even know where the ponytail mustache thing came from. It was just really random. Well, I suppose everything in this story is really random...
MetalMyersJason - Glad you're liking the story!
Cloaked Hanto of Nacktkitties - I hope you enjoy all the other chapters as much as you enjoyed the first one!
Morella-20 - Erik's sarcasm is probably the best part of him. And Erik and waffles will always be one from now on! I actually had waffles for breakfast this morning...
HatsuHaruSohma27 - Go Erik indeed! Glad you think the story rocked.
monroe-mary - Oh I do believe Erik and I would get along quite well. LOL. As for why his basement is so hot, I could use this as an excuse for a really perverted comment, but I won't, and I'll just say that it gets very stuffy down there and with the oven always running and making waffles, it gets hot. LOL. I love French, yes, and I have watched the French dub, and I totally agree with you that the Raoul is awful. Glad to see that a native French speaker found some of the translation weird also. Supposedly, the actual French DVD is more accurate. shrugs
Final-Threshold - Glad you like, and I'm happy that you find it interesting.
I Despise Raoul - Uh-oh, poor caps lock is getting abused over there! Makes me feel happy though, because it makes it look like you really liked it!
Araiona Dubois - Hurrah for being labeled insane. I think I probably am too. Glad you like the story!
Erik's Shadow - Writing! Erik making waffles has seriously got to be one of the hottest mental images ever. Would be funny if a new version of POTO came out in which Erik recieved his deformity from a freak waffle-maker accident.
DaydreamingTurtle - Glad you're enjoying the story! And if you want to be the twelve year old in Ohio who bought the fop's ponytail, go ahead! LOL.
Muirgen258 - Hurrah for parents thinking you're crazy. My mum thinks I'm crazy for writing all this in the first place, and she hasn't even actually READ it. I just walk around the house mumbling about waffles and spouting off new ideas. LOL.
Sorcha's Eredita - I'm updating now! The funnies have returned!
Usorokoaemo - Hah, I hope your butt didn't go numb while you read, because that's always rather uncomfortable. I'd love to do "To the Bat Cave, Nadir" for a shirt, but it's in violation of too many copyrights! I'd rather not have any lawsuits against me. Ah well.
Onashii - Hooray for randomness indeed. It's the best part of writing stuff like this - I can honestly stick in WHATEVER I WANT!
meigihk - Yes, yes, here's you're update! I'm glad you think it's funny.
Aratari - Oh dear, now I'm going to get punjabbed! I'm going to run away and hide now... but remember, if you kill me, I can't finish it! So THERE!
Dove Of Night - Glad you're enjoying the story, and I'm really glad you bothered to come look after your friend recommended it!
Penny: Angel Of Darkest Dreams - Well, honestly, how much fun would the phic be if I WASN'T mean to Raoul? Or rather, if ERIK wasn't mean to Raoul. It's all Erik's fault, really it is. Glad you got to see Hugh as Phantom! He's so wonderful...
Erik's Mistress/Renee - Can I join the Anti-Pansy Organization? And I'm sure Erik is quite a good cook. As we saw, Erik didn't last very long in therapy. I mean, honestly, who expects Erik to actually change?
Kat - Yes, I daresay poor Nadir is rather abused by Erik. And yay for randomness!
Sirius Is My King - Oh no! Don't die laughing! LOL. We'll have to send Erik to recussitate you! Although, you might like that!
Becky - Glad my story made you laugh. I was afraid the whole Raoul/lip gloss thing wouldn't go over too well, but I guess it did!
Norma Jean The Dancing Machine - Haha, glad you liked that line. It's one of my favorites.
The Phantom's Girl - Short, sweet, and to the point. LOL. Glad you like it!
Son Kat - Glad you like the story!
xXxTakaraxXx - Would you perfer if he signed his entries "The All Powerful, Godly, I'm-so-much-cooler-than-you Opera Ghost A.K.A. Erik"? I think his hand would get tired! LOL.
...for your lovely reviews!
NEW AND IMPROVED!
ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!
For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "http/ www. geocities. com / wanderingchildphan4eva / wafflestore. html" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise. Also, there is an underscore between wandering and child, and between child and phan. FFN does show them. If you have trouble, you can click the homepage link in my profile.)
T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"
Newest Additions include: "Will Not Be Seduced By Waffles" and "Phic Addict"
So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.