Only True Feelings
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, they belong to J.K. Rowling, although the plot is my own creation.
AN: I would like thank all my reviewers! Much love to all of you! And I am very, very sorry for the long wait! I have been extremely busy with school and everything has been hectic. I've been testing for about two weeks now, so I apologize to you all! I hope you enjoy!
Chapter Three – Realization
As Hermione first awoke the next morning she was unsure of why she felt so horrible until, uncontrollably, the thoughts of yesterday flooded back into her mind. She felt so ashamed and embarrassed for acting the way she did in front of Remus.
I can't believe I did that, I'm such an idiot. I mean, he is a grown man and I was being so juvenile I can't believe that I thought that he actually liked me. Get ahold of yourself Hermione, he's your teacher, why would he like you? You're like a daughter to him!
As she thought those words, they stung her mind like a swarm of angry bees. She had been having a hard time with all the conflicting thoughts running through her head just in the past 12 hours. It was enough to drive someone insane.
She walked into the bathroom, turned on the sink, cupped a large amount of water in her hands and splashed in on her face. It was cold enough to wake someone up from a dead sleep.
She grabbed a small towel and dried her face, then she straightened herself up a bit and looked into the mirror at her reflection.
In her own opinion, she thought she looked like shit. She had small circles under her eyes from a pretty sleepless night, her hair was falling in tangled curls around her somewhat pale face. For some reason all the muscles in her body felt like the had been stretched across a large field and then put back in place. She felt just plain exhausted, she didn't feel very good and her body was aching.
She slouched back into the dormitory and changed into her school robes and reluctantly walked downstairs to the common room.
Harry, Ginny, Ron and Seamus were all sitting around a table in the corner of the common room discussing, of course, Quidditch.
As Hermione dragged herself over to the table, Ginny was the first to look up at her.
"Are you alright Hermione? You look like you've just seen a ghost."
As she said this, the other three faces turned to look at her. She shook her head yes slightly as she made to sit down.
"Are you sure 'Mione? You don't look too well." Harry said, and got several head shakes in agreement.
"I'm fine alright, just drop it." she said in a monotone voice.
Everyone thought that was enough reason and turned their heads back towards their earlier conversation. All except Harry, who continued to gaze at Hermione suspiciously.
Hermione felt Harry's gaze on her and as she saw him start to open his mouth to say something, she cut him off and asked who was hungry.
Of course everyone was, so they all headed to the Great Hall for breakfast. On the way there Harry pulled Hermione behind all the others and asked her what was bothering her.
"Nothing Harry, really. I just didn't get as much sleep last night that I needed, honestly." she said staring at him intently.
Harry stared at her for several minutes and then finally decided that she was being truthful with him.
"Alright, but if anything is ever bothering you, you know that I'm always here for you."
"Of course Harry. I've known that for the past 6 years." she said, smiling at him lightly.
As they entered the Great Hall Hermione had begun to feel much better than she had felt earlier. Well, that was at least until she saw Remus sitting up at the teacher's table. She frowned slightly and turned her attention back to her plate of food, finding it much harder to eat now.
She managed to eat a few small bites, until out of nowhere, Harry heard a fork clatter. He turned to find Hermione sitting in front of him, with a look of shock on her face.
"What is it Hermione?" Harry said quickly.
Harry's words seemed to bring her back to reality.
"Oh nothing, just gave myself a bit of a scare. I thought today was the Transfiguration test, and I hadn't really studied yet. Then I realized that we don't even have Transfiguration today" she said shrilly.
As Harry turned to continue his conversation with Lee, Hermione looked down at her plate. She knew for a fact that there was no Transfiguration test today, she just used that as an excuse. Actually, she had just realized that she had DADA with the Slytherins today. That would mean that she would have to be around Remus.
No, she thought, I just won't go and I tell Ron and Harry that I'm not feeling good.
As she thought that, she shook her head slightly. That was absurd, there was no way in hell that she was going to skip a lesson just because she felt embarrassed to be around him.
I just won't talk to him. she concluded, as she, Ron and Harry stood up to go to their first class; which coincidentally, was DADA.
As Harry, Ron and Hermione made their way into the classroom, Hermione made to sit towards the back of the class, she wanted to sit as far away from Remus as she could.
"Hermione what are you doing?" Ron asked.
"Oh! I hadn't realized what I was doing." she said.
"Well come on then, the lesson's about to start." Harry said.
So they went and sat in the front row like they usually did and got their stuff out for the lesson.
Hermione sat there for several moments with butterflies in her stomach, until she finally heard him enter the classroom. She froze, her body shaking slightly. Remus went straight up to the front of the room and began his lesson like he did everyday.
Hermione was extremely relieved at this, at how he didn't seem change at all. She was able to shake off her nervousness quickly and return to her normal self. Seeing that hedidn'tseem distracted by the uncomfortable situation she put him in the night before was a good thing, at least to her.
Before the bell rang for class to be over she, Ron and Harry began packing up their things. Remus came over to their little group and greeted them all with a warm smile.
"Hey Professor." Ron and Harry said together. Hermione smiled at him reluctantly, and got a smile back from him which sent warm shivers through her body. He may not have feelings for her, but that didn't mean that she had to ignore the feelings she had for him.
"I was just wondering whether you three were planning on going to Hogsmeade this weekend?" Remus asked.
"Yea. Why, were you actually wanting to leave the school and go with us." Harry said jokingly.
"Actually yes, I thought that I deserved a bit of a break myself." he said.
"Well of course you do," Hermione said rather quickly, and as Remus turned to look at her, she looked at the ground blushing slightly and mumbled, "we all do."
As Remus turned to walk back towards his desk, Hermione wanted to say something, anything to him. But a second later she heard the bell ring, and feeling as though she were defeated, she hung her head and started walking towards the door with Harry and Ron in front of her. Then she heard it, it was his voice calling her name. She stopped and spun around to find him staring at her intently. As she was walking towards his desk she realized that they were the only two left in the room.
She stopped in front of his desk, standing there nervously, fiddling with her fingers. She hadn't realized how quiet it was, so she cleared her throat to try and break the awkward silence.
"Listen Hermione the reason I asked you to stay after was because I wanted to apologize for my behavior yesterday. It was uncalled for and I am sorry."
"Oh no, I was the one that was being inappropriate yesterday." Hermione said quickly, "I was being so juvenile, I don't know what was wrong with me. It was wrong of me to try to kiss you, you're my teacher and I'm your student."
"So,…" Remus blurted before he could stop himself.
Hermione looked at him quickly, desperation in her eyes.
Dammit Remus, look what you've gone and done. he thought.
"Do you really mean that Profes…I mean Remus?" she asked, her voice strained and timid.
As he looked into her eyes, his heart started to melt. He stood up, walked around his desk, and stopped right in front of Hermione.
"Of course I do," he said as he looked deep into her honey-brown eyes.
He took in her scent and felt the warmth passing between their bodies that were merely inches apart. He took a deep breath, calmed his nerves and pulled her to him. He brought his mouth down to meet hers and she squeaked slightly at his sudden actions, but soon turned her body over to its impulses.
As he brought his lips down to meet hers, he parted them against her mouth and began to trace his tongue along her bottom lip; it sent tingling sensations through her mouth, she felt as though her knees were going to give out. She placed her hands on his shoulders to steady herself, and began to deepen the kiss.
But just as she thought it would never end, it did; but more abruptly than she would have thought.
She looked up at Remus and saw the look on his face.
"What's wrong Remus?"
"I'm sorry Hermione, I shouldn't have done that." Remus said.
"What do you mean you shouldn't have done that? You said that it wasn't wrong for me to try and kiss you, that it didn't matter that I was your student and you were my teacher."
"Hermione I didn't say that."
"Well, you might as well have." Hermione said defiantly.
"But I didn't." Remus said, "Hermione listen, I apologize for doing this and leading you to believe that we could have something between each other. The only thing that we have is that of a teacher and a student."
As Remus was saying all of this, her eyes began to burn and she felt tears brimming over her eyes. She couldn't stand this any longer, she couldn't bear to hear any more excuses. First Ron and now Remus; she knew that she hadn't really had an actual relationship with Remus, but she had feelings for him that she hadn't ever had with anyone else and she knew that he had feelings for her too.
Hermione finally looked up into Remus' eyes and steadied her voice before she spoke. Remus looked deep into her eyes and saw the one thing that he had promised never to do to her. Her eyes were so full of passion, pain and hurt; he felt his stomach begin to squirm and his heart was twisting.
Hermione took a deep breath, cleared her throat and finally spoke.
"Of course, I appreciate everything Professor." she said sardonically.
She turned on her heel, marched straight over to the door pulled it open and slammed it behind her.
Remus felt as if his heart was wrenched from his chest and shredded into a million little pieces. How could he have been such a jerk to her, she had done nothing whatsoever to deserve this kind of treatment that she was receiving from him. He knew that she would never forgive him, especially after all of that.
As Hermione walked out of his classroom, she started to run; she didn't know where to, but all she knew was that she wanted to get the hell away from everything and everyone. She was so fed up with the way that everyone treats her, as if she weren't even a human being. But she was, she had feelings just like everyone else; but why-why did everyone treat her as if she didn't. She couldn't answer that, but all she knew was that she couldn't deal with it anymore, she was done.
She ran until she couldn't run anymore, and when she couldn't run she started to cry, she cried until she didn't have any tears left.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, she decided that she would go back to the girls' dormitory, and just go to sleep.
Maybe I'll wake up to find that this was all just a nightmare, just a horrible nightmare. she thought.
But as she crawled into bed, she didn't realize that she was going to have another restless night.
Hermione was sitting out by the lake when out of nowhere she heard distant bangs and loud voices. She turned and was shocked to find Remus and Harry dueling, but they weren't holding wands, they were holding rubber chickens.
Hermione ran over to them, stepped in between them and pushed them apart.
"What are you two doing?"
"Remus said that he was going to feed you to the giant squid." Harry said, "but I told him that he couldn't do that because I needed you to ride my pet dragon!"
"Well, I've told you already that I don't want to ride your dragon Harry; and Remus, why would my own boyfriend want to eat me?" Hermione said recklessly.
"I thought you were dating Dobby?" Ron said as he ran over and began to kiss Hermione.
Hermione shot up in her bed, covered in sweat. She sat there for several minutes trying to steady her breath, the sun had just come up and was pouring in through the window across the lightly dusted wooden floor.
What in the hell kind of dream was that? she thought desperately.
She tried to shake the dream from her mind, stood up and walked into the girls bathroom to take a shower. Afterwards she got dressed in her school robes and headed downstairs to the common room; but she wasn't planning on staying, in fact she was going to just go and head down to breakfast that way she wouldn't have to put on a happy face for anyone.
When she entered the Great Hall there was barely anyone there and that was probably owing to the fact that it was so early. She sat down and within several seconds a small plate of eggs, bacon, sausage and toast, and a glass of pumpkin juice appeared right in front of her. She sat in silence for about an hour, enjoying being alone, until a little while later all of the other student's began showing up for breakfast. Soon after that Harry, Ron, Ginny, Seamus and Dean all showed up together, they all sat down around Hermione. Harry was the first to speak to her.
"Where were you this morning Hermione?" he asked.
"Yea, when I woke up I didn't even see you in the dormitory." Ginny said.
"Well, I didn't sleep very well and I woke up early and decided to go ahead and come down here and try to eat some breakfast." Hermione replied dryly.
"Oh," Ginny said quietly as she turned back to her breakfast.
They all sat there chatting for a little while. Ron, Harry and Seamus were, once again, arguing about Quidditch; Ginny and Hermione talked quietly about how immature guys could be. Until, out of nowhere, Hermione heard Ron say something that caught her attention.
"Hey, look there's Professor Lupin! Hey Professor!" Ron called.
"Ron, be quiet for god's sake." Hermione hissed.
And as though her luck was running short, she saw Remus stop, turn around, wave back and then began walking towards their table.
Shit! Hermione thought frantically. I can't see him,...I can't let him see me!
Just as Remus made it to the table, Hermione jumped up and darted out of the Great Hall with her bookbag slung over her shoulder.
"What in the bloody hell was that all about?" Ron asked with a look of shock on his face.
But Remus knew full well what that was all about. It was something that he brought upon himself, and now he regretted it more than anything.
The day went by extremely slow, or at least in Remus' opinion it did. By the time his classes were over he was glad that he didn't have too much grading to do, so he went ahead and got it over with. Finally after 2 hours of grading papers; he stood up, stretched, yawned loudly and walked into his room.
He fell lightly backwards onto his bed, which was unmade, and groaned loudly.
All he had been thinking about for the past 2 days was Hermione, it was driving him mad.
She is your student for christ sake Remus. Get ahold of yourself.
But he couldn't help it; he couldn't stop his mind from thinking how wonderful and beautiful and smart she actually was. In Remus' opinion she was like a disease, not a destructive one, but a disease that when you catch it, it becomes infectious. It felt as though she was coursing throughout his veins, as though she was inside of him at this very moment.
Every time he tried to push her out of his mind, the thoughts of her would come back more forcefully than before. She was on his mind all of the time, she was all he ever thought about.
I can't take this anymore, I just can't do this any longer. he thought sternly.
He got up, walked to his door, opened it and in no time was walking swiftly through the corridors. Truth be told, he really had no idea where he was headed, but his legs seemed to have a mind of their own and knew where they were going.
As soon as he turned the corner into a different corridor he collided with something.
Hermione was knocked backwards off her feet. She fell to the ground and looked around to find the source of her collision, and soon found herself looking straight at Remus himself. She had just been thinking about him moments before; she was out taking a walk actually trying to rid him of her thoughts, but that didn't seem to work out as planned.
"Uff, oh…..I'm s-so sorry p-professor!" she stammered.
"Oh, my Hermione. Please, let me help you," Remus said, reaching out a hand and pulling her to her feet.
"Are you alright Hermione? You took quite a spill," he asked looking into her eyes.
"Yes, I'm fine. Just being clumsy, I'm sorry I didn't mean to run into you."
"Oh, but I think it was I that ran into you. I am very sorry, I hope you can forgive me."
"Well of course I forgive you professor." Hermione said quietly staring at the ground.
"Hermione, I've told you many times before, please call me Remus."
"Sorry," Hermione started.
"No need to apologize, and if you don't mind me asking, what were you doing out wondering the castle so late at night."
"I should ask you the same," Hermione said, feeling much braver now.
"Hermione, I am a teacher, I have the privilege and right to walk about the school at night. You, however, are a stu…."
"A student," Hermione interjected, "of course. This sounds oddly familiar, doesn't it Remus? You're my teacher and I'm your student. If you really need to know what I was doing, I was taking a little stroll trying to rid my thoughts of a certain someone who isn't worth my time."
Ooo, those words definitely caused a shock of pain to course through Remus' body.
Hermione was staring defiantly into his face and as soon as she said this she saw a hurt expression flash across his face. She felt victorious, like she had won a battle that she had been fighting within herself for the past 2 days. But in that instant, she felt as though she had played Remus in the worst way possible, it felt as though she were a victorious prat, she felt completely ashamed.
Remus looked down at the ground; he couldn't stand to have those beautiful honey-brown eyes staring at him like that. It felt as though her glare was penetrating through his own eyes, and he couldn't take it.
Hermione too had looked away from him. She couldn't look at his soft amber-blue eyes filled with so much pain and hurt. She felt disgusted with herself for the way she had just treated him, he didn't deserve it.
Yet she couldn't help but think about the way that he had treated her not even 24 hours ago. That thought went piercing through all her other reasonings.
Well I didn't deserve to be treated that way either. I did absolutely nothing wrong, at least I don't think I did… Hermione's thoughts were clashing wildly in her head.
She couldn't handle this any longer, she had to do something to get this terrible feeling out of the pit of her stomach. She had to tell him, whether he wanted to hear it or not. She just had too…so she went with her gut feeling and finally came to her conclusion.
Remus felt as though something was crawling inside of him, something that was infectious and contagious. He knew that he had feelings for Hermione, he just wasn't sure what those feelings were exactly. He wasn't quite sure what they meant, but he did have an inceamingly attraction to her, and he knew that he only way to make himself get rid of this 'something' that was coursing throughout his body was to tell her everything; to tell her the truth.
But the thoughts in the back of his mind came floating up to the front. It just felt completely unjust for him to be having such feelings for Hermione, his student. He was old enough to be her father, a young father but a father none-the-less. He was her teacher her mentor, he was to tell her the difference between wrong and right; yet he couldn't even decide for himself whether or not these feelings that he had for her were wrong or right. It all just seemed mixed up and and jumbled; yet in his own mind Remus understood it completely, which is what confused him the most.
As Hermione went to open her mouth to say something, Remus had cut her off.
"Listen, Hermione, I don't want you to think that I don't care for you. It's just…that I…I…to be completely honest Hermione, I don't really know what I'm trying to say."
Hermione stared at him for several moments, a mixture of feelings brewing behind her eyes.
"Remus, no matter how much you want to deny it, I can't any longer so I'm just going to come right out and tell you because I'm tired of hiding my feelings…" Hermione drew in a deep breath.
"For the past 2 or 3 days I have had uncontrollable and undeniable feelings for you. Why?…I couldn't even answer that, I just know it's there and I can't ignore it. I knew that sooner or later I would have to come out and tell you, but I never would have guessed that this would have been the way that I would do it." she laughed quietly to herself, "All I can tell you Remus is that if you don't feel the same for me, or you don't want to pursue anything because you're afraid of what people would think, then I would much rather you tell me now so that I won't have to go on thinking that I was worthless."
"First off Hermione, I don't understand why you would ever even consider yourself worthless…you're not, you should know that, and if you don't then you now know. Secondly, no matter how it is for me to say this to you Hermione; I do have feelings for you and the only reason why I've been trying to ignore them was not because of fear of what people will think, it was because of the inappropriateness of a student-teacher relationship. What I fear is that my teaching career would be ruined, along with your achievements and scholarships that you've worked so hard for."
"But that doesn't matter as much to me as someone I love does." she stopped abruptly, staring at Remus wide-eyed with her mouth slightly open. She hadn't meant to say that she loved him, it just kind-of slipped out. She felt completely embarrassed for saying that out loud; feeling the heat start to creep up into her cheeks, she turned swiftly on her heel and started to walk away.
Everything was registering in Remus' mind in slow motion. She had said something huge to him…no, something about him…but what was it…? Then it hit him like a hundred pound boulder, she had said that she loved him; wow, this had come as a bit a shock to him. But then as those words were running over and over through his mind, it clicked…love. That's what it was that he couldn't describe…love. Everything seemed to be put back to normal speed again and he soon realized that she was no longer in front of him anymore.
"Hermione,…HERMIONE!" Remus shouted. Walking swiftly after her, but Hermione having a larger head start, was nowhere. Soon his walking turned into running; he ran to the portrait of the fat lady, with the intentions of going in to find Hermione, he stood there for several seconds debating.
Damn, he thought bitterly, if I walk in there looking for Hermione, it will seem too awkward.
It's way too late for a teacher to be needing to talk to a student about their homework. So Remus decided that he would try the library instead, you never know. That place seemed like it could be Hermione's second home, seeing as though she spent so much time there.
By the time he made it to the library, the doors were locked and it was pitch black in there. Remus finally decided that there was no way that she could be in there.
Remus thought frantically of anywhere else that she might have gone, but his mind was completely blank. So, feeling even more exhausted than he had felt before, he decided to head back to his room. He would try to get a good night's rest and talk to Hermione first thing tomorrow morning.
As Remus made his way back to his room, he dragged his feet behind him and hung his head, trying not to feel the already large amount of pain and anguish.
Then, out of nowhere, he heard a loud cackling noise, his head shot up and his eyes darted in the direction of the noise. It was Moaning Myrtle. She had a look of fear in her eyes, yet she was smiling and laughing loudly. She was right outside her legendary bathroom, saying something to herself; and as Remus crept up closer, he was able to make out what she was mumbling.
"Silly little girl actually thinks that she can do it that way? Well she's wrong, it will never work, she would have to hang there forever. And everyone says that she a know-it-all, yea right, if she knew everything she would know how to end it quickly."
Remus' heart stopped completely, he could hardly breath. No, it couldn't be; she would never. Myrtle giggled quietly to herself and floated away through the wall opposite the bathroom entrance.
Remus ran straight over to the bathroom and wrenched the door open with one swift movement. He dashed inside and looked around, searching frantically for her. He couldn't see her anywhere.
No, no, no……god please no. Let her be okay, please.
He dropped down to the floor and looked along the ground to see if she was in one of the stalls.
Then Remus heard something and whipped around and saw Hermione standing with her back to him, facing a corner.
"Hermione…," Remus said slowly, walking towards her. She didn't say anything.
"Hermione?" he said a little more firmly.
This time Remus got a response; Hermione straightened up and turned around to face Remus slowly. When she turned all the way around, her eyes were blood-shoot, like she had been crying for hours and they looked…vacant, and her face was white as chalk. Then something else caught his eye, something had dropped from her hand. As he looked down at the ground, he recognized it to be her shoelaces strung together to make one long string and it was tied into a noose.
Remus swallowed hard and looked back up at Hermione's face, she just stared blankly back at him.
"Hermione," Remus started, his voice shaky and hoarse. "please, don't do this; I could never live with myself. I care for you more than you could ever imagine, and whether you want to believe me or not…I do love you."
A wave of relief washed over her face, she drew in a sharp breathe and threw her arms around Remus' neck. She buried her face in his neck and began crying; it was soothing to Remus, it felt as though her tears were his own kind of baptism, like they were washing away everything.
A.N. I promise that I won't take a month to update next time, I promise. Like I said before, I was extremely busy with all my testing and I was working on a lot of large projects! Again, please keep reading and reviewing and I'll keep updating!