Disclaimer: I do not own any characters, etc. You know the drill.
What Should Have Happened
Christine stared at the two men before her. From Raoul, with the noose around his neck to Erik, who watched her with furious eyes.
"You try my patience. Make your choice…" he said in a dangerous voice. Christine bit her lip and looked down.
She sighed and looked at Erik.
"So… let me get this straight. Either I choose you, in which case you let Raoul go. Or I choose Raoul, you kill him and keep me anyway?"
"Yes. Where you not listening to the song? We were singing it for eight minutes." Erik said exhaustedly. His arms were getting tired. This Viscount could stand to lose a little weight…
Christine looked from him to Raoul, who was turning slightly blue.
"Please, Christine! Don't choose him!" he begged. Erik gave a tug on the rope and he began to splutter. Erik couldn't help giving a little snigger. Christine rolled her eyes.
"Well, frankly, this doesn't seem like much of a choice. I mean, Erik, you say-"
"Erik? Who the hell is Erik?" Raoul said, confused. Erik looked at him.
"I do have a name you know. I wasn't christened as Phantom."
"But when did we ever mention that his name was Erik? And what kind of name is that anyway?" Raoul demanded. Erik glared at him.
"What kind of name is Raoul? It sounds like the name of a badly written opera character!"
"You'd know about badly written operas!" Raoul snorted. Erik pulled the rope again and Christine cleared her throat.
"Excuse me? I believe I was talking."
They both looked at her quickly, anxious to hear her decision.
"So, Erik, you keep saying that you love me?"
"I do." He said plainly. Christine arched an eyebrow,
"I see. And you thought that the way to my heart would be to pretend you were my dead father and hide behind the mirror in my dressing room?"
"Pervert." Another strangling seemed in order so Erik pulled the rope as he said,
"Only because you were so lonely! I was trying to comfort you!"
Christine stared at him.
"And introducing yourself was too much hard work? Honestly… men, you do everything the hard way! You for example, Raoul, you decide to come and rescue me and show up with no weapons, no back-up and half drowned."
"At least I didn't kidnap you!" Raoul pointed out. Christine snorted.
"Yes, because Erik did THAT so efficiently. If he was going to do things properly we would be miles away by now…"
"Well, you didn't exactly give me much warning. I was just proposing to you-"
"With MY ring!" another strangling.
"-And you rip my mask off in front of everyone! Didn't you figure out last time you were here that I don't like people touching my mask?" Erik said crossly. Christine shrugged.
"It really doesn't look that bad. You're just so ridiculously overdramatic about it. A little face powder, you could probably get away with it."
Erik stared at her and then glared.
"Stop changing the subject! I'm in charge here! Make your choice now, before I strangle him." Christine rolled her eyes.
"Don't be so silly, Erik. You're such a drama queen."
"I'm a drama queen? He's the one who dashes around with his long foppy hair and his shirt half open in the middle of winter!" Erik said, gesturing at Raoul. The Viscount glared at him.
"You were seducing my fiancée by pretending to be her dead father! You're sick!"
"But you didn't have time to put a bloody coat on?" Erik shouted back.
"And I'm not a fop!"
"You are too!"
"Well you're a freak of nature!"
Christine sighed and sat down on a chair to watch them yell at each other. A few minutes later Erik remembered he was supposed to be forcing Christine to fall in love with him and turned back to her. She closed the book she had been glancing through and asked,
"Choose! NOW!" Erik roared.
Christine smiled sweetly.
"Actually, while you two were arguing, I did come to a decision." Both men perked up, looking at her eagerly. Christine got to her feet.
"But first, let me just say something. Has either of you even considered what I've been going through these past few months? What I think is an Angel sent by my father turns out to be a man with a superiority complex and what looks like a mild rash. In the meantime, my childhood friend, who didn't even notice me before I suddenly became a star, has decided that he knows what's best for me and keeps rushing around with a sword, but not even bothering to button his shirt up."
Raoul tried to say something but she sent him a look and he fell silent. She continued,
"Well, frankly, I'm sick of it. You two are so irritating, both thinking that I belong to one of you when I'm actually a perfectly capable person in my own right!"
"I did it because I love you!" Raoul said quickly.
"I love her more!" Erik spat.
"HEY!" Christine shouted. That looked at her and she cleared her throat.
"So here is my decision…" both men leant forward. Well, Erik leant forward and Raoul choked as the rope tightened slightly. Christine surveyed them both, folding her arms across her chest.
"I don't choose either of you."
"WHAT!" Raoul and Erik said in unison. Christine smiled simply.
"There you go. I don't want either of you. You're both stupid, selfish, ignorant, sexist pigs. I've decided that I'd rather not stay here anymore. So I'm going to go to England and start a new career as a writer of Feminist Empowerment Self Help Books."
"But Christine… I love you!" Raoul cried. Erik stared at her.
"But… but… I gave you my music! Made your song take wing! And now how you've repaid me! Denied me and betra-"
"Dude, we heard the song. Get over it." Raoul told him.
Erik tugged the rope and said,
"Then you have condemned him to his death!"
"See if I care. One less sexist male in the world." Christine said indifferently. She disappeared into the bedroom. Erik glared at Raoul.
"This is all your fault! If you weren't so whiney!"
"My fault? You're the one who stalked her since she was a child!"
"At least I noticed she was alive!"
"At least I don't kill people!"
"No, you'd rather toss your girly hair and unbutton your shirt!"
They continued like this for some time until Christine re-emerged from the bedroom, now dressed in a pair of trousers and one of Erik's less Phantom-y shirts.
"Don't worry, I'll return the shirt. I'm also going to borrow this." She said, picking up his cloak. Erik stepped towards her and Raoul turned purple as he took the rope with him.
"Christine, you don't know what you're doing! I am going to KILL him."
"I know. I don't suppose you've got a hairbrush round here have you?" Christine said, looking around. Erik gaped at her. In his shock, he dropped the end of the rope and Raoul began to gulp down air. He hastily untied his hand and moved towards Christine who was tying her hair back.
Christine looked around, made sure she had everything and looked from one to the other.
"This was fun. I'll send you a postcard from England."
"No! Christine, please don't leave me!" Raoul cried, falling to his knees and throwing his arms around her legs. She rolled her eyes and kicked him loose.
"Don't be so silly, Raoul. But do get a haircut. And you, Erik. You're getting twenty-thousand francs a month. Surely you can afford something in a better location than under the Opera Populaire?"
Erik gaped at her. She sighed and then took the ring from her finger. She tossed it onto the ground.
"Here, why doesn't one of you hang on to this? I'm not going to need it." Raoul and Erik began to scrabble for the bauble. Christine pulled on the cloak and stepped over them towards the boat. By the time they realised she was gone, she had already passed the mob, which stopped and stared at her.
Meg looked at her.
"What… I thought… where are you going?"
"England. Raoul and Erik are back there." Christine said. Everyone looked at each other in confusion.
"Who's Erik?" Someone asked. Christine shook her head in despair.
"The Phantom. Anyway, I'm out of here. Bye!"
She continued to push the boat along. The mob stared back at her.
When they got to the Phantom's lair, Raoul and Erik had ended up knocking the ring into the water. The mob decided it wasn't worth bothering them, as they were snapping at each other in a rather irritating fashion. Instead they went back upstairs and put the fire out.
Christine did to travel to England where she wrote a book called 'How I outsmarted a Phantom and a Fop.' It was a bestseller for 62 weeks, when it was eventually knocked off the top spot by a retaliation book from Raoul and Erik called 'Women and their betrayals'. This book included a rather rudely-worded prologue from Erik, demanding the return of his cloak.
And they all lived contently ever after.
A/N: Don't ask me what the hell just happened. I have no idea. I just liked the idea of Christine acting a little less stoned and making her own decision. Please note, that this is supposed to be funny. No flames about how unrealistic it was, how Christine either belongs with Erik or Raoul, or how many mistakes regarding the time period etc.
Actually I don't care. Flame if you want to! it'll be funny.