This story is the reason I have come to hate fanfiction dot net. -.- But I guess I really like this story, because even after this silly system deleted the only digital copy I had, I decided to type it again anyway. So, here's my story. It's (mostly) Leia POV until the end little bit and a short story/one post thing. Basically, I was thinking about how Leia would react to Han having a "relationship" with someone. We already know how Han reacts when Leia has "relationships" (Courtship of Princess Leia), but how would Leia react? Set in post-ANH because I love that era and not enough is written post-ANH.
It started out like a normal day—as normal as a day in the Alliance could be—but it didn't stay that way for long.
"Tour guide?" I glared at General Rieekan. The man must've been completely out of his mind. "Carlist, you cannot expect me to go along with this!"
"Leia," he said seriously. "Calm down. It's not like that at all. This girl, Casil, was one of the best hackers in the Imperial intelligence, and now she's defected and joined us. You're not going anywhere today or tomorrow, and you have no meetings scheduled, so I thought perhaps it would be nice for someone her age to show her around."
"The Rebellion is not a—a social service! It's not a place to make friends!"
"I know, Leia, and that's what worries me sometimes." His brow lowered slightly and his forehead became lined. "The only friends you appear to have are Commander Skywalker and Captain Solo—"
"Captain Solo is not my—"
He waved his hand and cut me off. Bad move, Carlist. "Reggardless, I worry about you, Leia. You've been strong, you've helped carried the burden of fighting this war, you've become part of the High Council. But what about you? Ever since...well, ever since the Battle of Yavin you've been withdrawn, antisocial, even, except with those two. I just want you to get out a little." I knew by "Battle of Yavin" he meant the destruction of Alderaan. What was I supposed to do? Pretend that nothing had happened? Pretend that I hadn't lost my entire world, literally? Just be happy-go-lucky? Rieekan should have known better. I'd never been happy-go-lucky, even before Alderaan.
Rieekan was still looking at me, hopeful, eyes pleading. I sighed, crossed my arms, sighed again, and walked over to take the datapad from his hands.
"What's this girl's name, again?" I asked quietly.
"Casil Shranner," Rieekan replied with a small smile. "Former Imperial agent, as I told you. She's originally from an outer rim planet."
"You should've gotten Luke to do it," I grumbled.
"Oh, I hear from very trusted sources that she's nothing like Luke."
General Rieekan was right; Casil wasn't like Luke in the slightest sense. She was loud, giggly, adventurous, and courageous, but in the opposite way Luke was. She was completely sure of herself and not shy about anything. Despite not wanting to give Rieekan the satisfaction of knowing his plan had worked, I found myself liking her. After spending the day showing her around and briefing her on Alliance protocol, Casil made it clear she was ready to have some "fun."
"Really, I don't think this is a good idea..."
"Oh, just live, Leia! You don't seem like the kind of girl who gets into the spirit of things much. Let me buy you a drink for showing me around. Or," she grinned, "is there some princess rule that you can't have a good time?" Her eyes sparkled with what I could only assume was the spirit of merriment and trouble-making.
"I just don't like people," I said, beginning to walk away.
"Leia! Just one drink! Come on, for me?" She pouted up at me and I tried my hardest to keep a straight face, but to no avail. "Let's go!" She grabbed my arm, and before I could object further, she was dragging me the opposite way I had been headed.
"Oops." She stopped. "You guys do have a bar, right?"
I sighed. I seemed to be caving in a lot today. "Yeah. This way."
When we got there, I noticed one person immediately. Han Solo. He was sitting at a table near the bar, talking to a couple of rebels. It was funny how I saw him immediately, even though the small room was fairly crowded.
"Oh, great..." I muttered under my breath.
"What?" Casil asked.
"Nothing, nothing. Let's go sit over there." I steered her away from the Captain. Soon she was off, insisting on buying the drinks. I snuck a quick look at Han. He was laughing with some X-Wing pilots, Luke not included. Luke's probably off reading flight manuals while the rest of the squadron gets drunk. I smiled. Typical Luke.
My thoughts drifted back to Han, telling some joke as the others at the table roared in laughter. As much as I hated to admit it, he had a certain charisma and...handsome quality to him. Not that it appealed to me. Because it didn't. I was just, you know, admitting it was there—
"Here." A drink broke the gaze I didn't even know I had been holding and Casil plunked herself into the chair next to me. "Don't ask what's in it, just down it."
"Why, what's in it?"
She grinned. "I told you not to ask."
I took a deep breath a large swallow. It actually tasted pretty good.
"So, who were you looking at?"
"Oh, come on. You were so—" she propped her chin on her hands and stared into space "—right now! You were practically drooling!
"No I wasn't!" My eyes flickered over towards Han.
"Yes! I knew it! Now let me see..." Her head popped up above the crowd rather noticeably as she looked for the object of my gaze.
"Get down!" I hissed, pulling her back into her seat. She looked at me expectantly. "No!"
"Leia, you have to tell me!"
"I wasn't looking at anyone," I snapped, ending the conversation.
"Well, there, I'm going to start looking," she said slyly, sipping slowly at her drink and surveying the room. She stopped suddenly. "I have hit the jackpot." She was looking straight...at Han.
"Captain Solo?" I started laughing.
"What? He's a hunk." I laughed harder, hysterically. "I take it you don't feel the same?"
"No!" Oh, the irony!
"Well, can it, because he's coming this way." I quickly wiped the beginnings of tears from the corners of my eyes to see Han walking toward our table.
"Captain." I nodded, regaining my composure.
"And this is?"
"Casil Shranner," she interjected. "I'm new to the Rebellion, and Leia's been showing me around."
"Ah. I guess her highnessness likes you. You make her laugh," he whispered at Casil, grinning like he was sharing a juicy secret. I felt myself going warm.
"I guess so. Please sit, Captain."
"Han." He smiled. This was getting rather pathetic. They were both flirting their eyes out. Han took a seat next to Casil and their silly small talk continued for a few minutes, until I got too uncomfortable and had to leave.
"You can find your way to your room, right?" I asked, eager to be out of there.
"Or I could help you find it." I swear it wasn't a trick of the light, and Han winked at her. I didn't even want to know what that might mean.
"Good, then I've really got to go. You know, meetings tomorrow."
"You sure, Princess?"
"Bye, Leia," Casil called as I left.
Over the next week I managed to become fairly good friends with Casil. I also introduced her to Luke, who was a little overwhelmed at first, but began to like her, too. They bonded over the fact that they were both children of the outer rim.
And then there was Han. He and Casil began dating. Dating. I tried to be happy for them, I really did, but I just couldn't. I don't know why, but I couldn't get around the fact that it didn't feel right to me. Everyone was making such a huge deal about it, too. They were the hot couple, probably because Han was such a hero among the ranks. The gossipers would sit there, eyes wide, mouths open, babbling about their latest spotting of Han and Casil or just rehashing old stories about what was going on between them. I wanted to go over and scream at them. "Why do you care? How is it important? Don't you have better things to do than worry about them? Isn't there a WAR you're supposed to be fighting?"
Of course, I couldn't do that. How demoralizing would that be? To have the psychopathic princess chew you out.
Their relationship really started to eat at me, though. The silly, bantering fights I'd had with Han before were now turning into dark, ugly battles. I cam away from them feeling scarred, broken, but knowing that it was mostly my fault. It didn't help at all that Casil tried to act the peacemaker and reconcile us. It made me hate that part of her, a good part of her.
I was constantly unconsciously comparing myself to her. It was always "Casil could do this better" or "Casil is faster at this." I reveled in any victory I had over her, no matter how small, and she cheered me on in my accomplishments, completely unaware of my dark thoughts against her. I began hating my looks. Looking in the mirror, I'd think why aren't I a little taller, a little thinner, a little curvier, a little more striking? What I was really thinking, though I never would have admitted it to myself, was why doesn't he like me a little bit more?
Then came the fateful day I blew a gasket. I'd been in the mess, hearing all these tales about how Han and Casil were practically glues to each other and how they were such a great couple and on and on and on. I had to get out there, go to my quarters, just to escape for a few minutes, just to be by myself, just to not think about them. Five or so minutes after I got in, just as I was contemplating taking a nice, warm shower, when along came Casil. The straw that broke the Bantha's back. I blew. I don't even remember what she said, but I blew up.
"Just stop it! Stop! I know what you're doing! Why did you even have to come?"
"Leia—" she was shocked. So was I, but I couldn't stop myself.
"I never wanted you here, I never asked for you to be here! But you had to come and—and take away the one thing left in my life that had any meaning!" What was coming out of my mouth? "I lost my family, my friends, my people, my planet! The only way I had left to live was through him, through his stupid retorts and his idiotic comments and his annoying nicknames, and now I don't even have that anymore! You're killing me!" I was almost screaming, I wanted to throw things, rip things, destroy things. But instead, I stared at her and glared coldly as she broke into tears and fled the room.
I collapsed onto the floor, a wave of grief and guilt washing over me. I felt awful, felt like the worse person in the Galaxy. Worse than Palpatine. Worse than Vader.
I should have apologized then, called her on the comm, groveled, pleaded, begged for forgiveness. But I didn't. I, Princess Leia of the late Alderaan, former Galactic Senator, member of the High Council of the Rebel Alliance, someone who'd tried to face down Imperial Governor Tarkin. I was too great a coward. I was scared.
I should have called her then. By the next day, it was too late.
I pushed Casil into a drawer full of regrets and never spoke about her again.
Leia fingered the datapad she'd typed into all those years ago. It seemed like an entirely different era.
Casil had died on that mission, and Leia had never gotten to apologize. After a while, she hadn't even remembered to think about her from time to time. Until she'd discovered this datapad among her forgotten belongings, she hadn't even remembered that Casil existed for well over five years. It was amazing the thing was still with her, she had moved around so much. But now, the memories were flooding back.
Leia sighed and put the datapad onto her bedside table, going out to the balcony area, trying to think. Her husband of six months came out to join her.
"Hey, sweetheart," Han whispered, wrapping his arms around her waist and holding her from behind. "What're you doing?"
"Oh, just thinking." She broke the embrace and he stood next to her instead, slightly puzzled. "Han, do you remember Casil?" It took a few seconds for the name to register, but when it did he broke eye contact with her and looked straight ahead, off the balcony. She could see his jaw clench and unclench.
"Yes," he said quietly. "Why?"
Leia took a deep breath. "I just...found a datapad I wrote, just after she died, about some...things I did."
"What sort of things?"
"Things I'm not proud of. Things I never got to say sorry for." She studied his profile, shadowed by the night. "We had a fight. About you."
"About—me? Leia..." he was incredulous, as well he should be.
"I know, I know. I guess I just...I—I told her she was stealing you from me, taking away the last life and had. And then..." Leia stopped, at a loss for words.
"I didn't love her. You know that?"
His knuckles gripped the balcony in the half-light. "I though, at the time, that she was special, but really, she was just another girl. That sounds so cold, but it's the truth. And I just couldn't fool myself quite into the mirage of love, or even deep caring, either." He smiled. "I guess I was thinking about you. It just..." he sighed. "It all happened so quickly. One day, she came, and then she was there, and the next day she was gone. The way I remember the whole thing just reminds me of a fling. That's all it was. A fling."
"Han, I'm not accusing you of anything or demanding any explanations, you know that. We weren't even interested in each other yet."
"Speak for yourself." He grinned, and she laughed slightly.
"Ok, well I wasn't even really interested in you yet. I'm just trying to piece things together. Make sense of things." She sighed tiredly and rested her head on his shoulder. He began to stroke her hair, and sure enough she felt a quiet calm overtake her. After a while he excused himself and went back inside, but she stayed on the balcony for a few moments more.
"I'm sorry, Casil," she whispered into the wind. "I'm sorry for the way I acted, and I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you that before you died. I miss you, and I'm sorry."
She left, the breeze carrying away her words and the slight burden she'd felt.
A/N: UGH! I am soooo sorry about that ending, it's so sappy it makes ME want to puke. I had to write it like that, though. Please review!