A/N: Just a warning…this is incredibly strange. I wrote it at about 3 in the morning the other night. And it's weird, and I don't know where it came from, really. But hey, here it is. I'm only posting it becaise I figure there are some out there who need reassurance that they are not, in fact, as weird as others. So happy reading! Toodles!
Disclaimer: this is way too atrocious to be J.K. Rowling's work. It is insulting to her name to even insinuate that this is her writing.
A Slightly Warped Fairy Tale Involving Evil Ferrets
Alright, be quiet and listen. I'm telling my fairy tale. So pay attention.
Okay, once upon a time there lived a somewhat good-looking girl named Ginny. She lived in London somewhere. She didn't know where because this part of the fairy tale isn't important. She only included it for tradition's sake. And because she wanted to feel slightly normal.
Anywho, back to the fairy tale…
Every day she woke up and…well, actually I don't want to talk about this part of the story. I always just skip over to the action. Which went something like this…
One day she was walking down some street whose name is not important as it is not the action part of the dream, when she was suddenly surrounded on all sides by big, ugly, mean Death Eaters.
Now, in a normal fairy tale, the girl in question would immediately go into damsel in distress mode. Meaning she would gasp dramatically, cover her mouth with one hand and her heart with the other, and exclaim softly (I suppose that's an oxymoron, but this is the traditional fairy tale part. So it doesn't matter) "Oh my goodness!" And then she would also start to yell "help," but her mouth would be covered too fast for her to get it all out, so she would yell "hell" instead and be dismayed with herself for using such foul language. And then she would be apparated away to some creepy castle complete with drawbridge, hinkypunk infested mote, and evil villain.
However, in my fairy tale, I (I'm switching to first person. Much easier to tell a story about yourself in first person) act entirely differently. Which means I kick as-I mean, booty.
I will continue…
After I am suddenly surrounded by the big, ugly, mean Death Eaters while I am innocently walking to the donut store down the street, I go into booy-kicking mode. Meaning I grab my wand and start shooting hexes faster than the eye can see.
Unfortunately, as this is my fairy tale, and I wouldn't want to end it here in fear that there would be too little action, I am eventually captured. But not, mind you, without taking out a few of the bad guys.
Right, so then they apparate me off to some castle similar to the one in the traditional fairy tale mentioned earlier because they are Death Eaters, and they fancy themselves to be evil villains. And, as you know, evil villains always live in creepy castles.
I, you should know, am kicking and screaming the whole way, occasionally managing to kick one of them where the sun don't shine, successfully incapacitating them. It also successfully removes their ability to reproduce. Which is really a very positive thing for the entire world if you think about it.
I'm locked in a diminutive, dank, dark dungeon (can we say alliteration?) like normal, blah de blah de blah. We don't care about this part because the next part is better. So, we'll just skip to it, shall we?
Okay, next part. The diminutive, dank, dark dungeon is guarded by some more Death Eaters and a couple of dragons. There have to be dragons because this is, however untraditional, a fairy tale, and there are always dragons in fairy tales. Besides, they're big and mean, they have very large, very sharp talons, and they breathe fire. This presents many possibilities to include action. Such as the next part of the story.
Well, I get tired of the diminutive, dank, dark dungeon and decide that I am going to escape. So, I pick the lock using the under-wire from my bra, smash one of the Death Eaters over the head with my shoe, steal his wand, and use it to Bat-Bogey/Stupefy the rest of them.
However, one of the dragons breaths fire on the wand and it is incinerated. So I have to take on the dragons single-handedly.
Therefore, I naturally throw a rock at one of the dragons eyes. I hit it of course, and it starts stomping about and flailing around. While it is flailing, one of its very large, very sharp talons chops the head off the other dragon and kills it. I then rush forward and tickle the other dragon until it dies from oxygen deprivation.
Since I have nothing else to do and I'm a little winded from all that booty-kicking, I sit on top of the decapitated dragon, legs crossed, elbow on my knee, and head in my head. And I wait for my handsome prince to arrive.
However, there is still a slight problem. I have been taken to the headquarters of Moldie-Warts himself, and I happen to be sitting atop a dragon just outside that very same power-crazed-lunatic's private bathroom. So, he comes waltzing (well, more like stalking as he was always rather angry, and he didn't seem the waltzing type. No one wanted to dance with him anyways. He smelled.) out of his bathroom after taking his evening bath with one towel on his head and another around his waste. Yuck.
He sees me and decides that I must be disposed of. So, he points his wand at me and says…you guessed it, Avada Ked-. Cuz at that moment the handsome prince arrives to rescue me.
Not that I needed rescuing. I had a plan. Which I won't disclose to you as it is top secret and very confidential, and I would have to feed you to the flobberworms if I told you. Which would be a very slow, very slimy death.
But the plan involved me grabbing the sword that was mounted on the wall beside me, leaping through the air, and chopping the rope holding up the metal chandelier above Moldie-Warts' head. You can guess what would happen next.
But that would be too cliché a death for this fairy tale. Plus, it wouldn't fulfill the infamous prophecy involving Harry Potter. Which I am very put out with. Why can't I get the glory of killing Moldie-Warts? Why do the guys always have to get the glory? It's not fair!
Now that I've had my tantrum…
The handsome prince, who isn't really a prince but will be referred to one in this story since it's a fairy tale, makes a grand entrance. Meaning he tumbles out of the fireplace on the other end of the hall, grabbing a sconce on the wall beside him to keep from falling and breaking his glasses. The sconce pulls down and opens a trap door right under Moldie-Warts, who falls through the hole and is devoured by the hinkypunks at the bottom of it.
And thus the prophecy is fulfilled.
The handsome prince straightens up and looks at me, and I say, "What took you so long?"
And he says, "The evil ferrets."
And I say, "Okay then. Well, thanks for saving my life."
And he says, "No problem. Wanna get married?"
And I say, "Ya, okay."
And then we ride off into the sunset on his Firebolt which one of the dead dragons magically coughed up.
And then we have a little girl named Lily Potter whose bedtime is right now.
And then we live happily ever after.
After we kill the evil ferrets, of course.
Now stop squirming and go to sleep.
A/N: See? Told you it was weird and random. Read an review please.