Disclaimer: If I owned Fullmetal Alchemist, one do you really think this wouldn't be an episode? and two, there would be a lot more EdXRoy.
Author's Note: This idea came from reading A superdooper happy funtastic week, by Harada Risa.
I adapted an idea from Edward Elric, Live and Uncensored by Bethany-Hime for this chapter.
Thanks Harada Risa, FiReChAoS347, Madam Midnight, kori hime, crazgrl017, Shale 101, A Mid-Boss named Malik, Chaos of Hearts, Aseret Kitsune, Yuki/Inuyasha/YamiLover, Dragons Maiden, Aysha's Damn Username, Scar's fangurl, FantasyFreak, Shingo-sama, Someone with a sick mind, Evil person, kyocat3, wouldntyouliketoknow, Icy Wolf Rage, and Inu.
Someone with a sick mind: I will use it for an alternate ending, but because some of my reviewers aren't as happy with Shounen-ai as we are, so it won't be the regular ending. Just go to the alternate ending section at the end. First alternate ending.
Harada Risa: 1. Okay. 2. Of course. 3. Definitely.
Scar's fangurl: I'm glad you like it.
Evil person: Why would you doubt my idol would lose?
kyocat3: Alternate endings are for that, but you'll have to read the sequel for the feud. I think I can work in the rest of that. I hope you're okay; seven painkillers can be dangerous, at least my mom tells me that. Second alternate ending.
Shale 101: Your wish shall be granted.
Fantasy Freak: That is the third alternate ending.
Dragons Maiden: Definitely. They do that in the original and the third alternate ending.
Aseret Kitsune: I'm glad you like it. Yes, I've decided I will do that.
Yuki/Inuyasha/YamiLover: Got it. I'm glad you like it.
wouldntyouliketoknow: I like your idea, but about the second part, that will be part of the third alternate ending.
Icy Wolf Rage: Yes Roy+Coffeeinsanity. That idea that I said when I reviewed FMA Drabbles, I can't use until the sequel. However, I do sneak some shounen-ai into the first alternate ending.
Inu: Glad you enjoyed it.
Advertisement: Read Shingo-sama's. Also read A superdooper happy funtastic week, by Harada Risa, she has said that this is the sequel of it. Read Dragon's Maiden's fics as well.
I've been asked to do one of these stories with an insane Ed. I've also been asked about miniskirts. This is my answer:
SEQUEL IN THE WORKS. TWT five years after this one. Ed will be 21. Ed will be drunk. The title will be I Bet. IT WILL BE ROYXED, this one is no pairing.
This is a crack fic.
WARNING: SINCE THE SINS AND SCAR ARE IN THIS, THERE ARE SOME MINOR, (SOME NOT SO) SPOILERS, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Info from http / www . fullmetalalchemist . info / character3 . html Spoiler warnings.
Because of the wide variety of responses chapter five got this fic includes three alternate endings. One is Shounen-ai (for Someone with a sick mind and Icy Wolf Rage), two is an Ed wins (for kyocat3), and three is traitor sporks (for FantasyFreak, Dragons Maiden, and wouldntyouliketoknow?).
CHAPTER WARNING: Spork molestation ahead.
This story has been dedicated to my wonderful reviewers who have pushed me to complete my first multi-chapter fic.
Chapter Six: Everything Blows
Ed jumped out of the way as...nothing happened. Everyone blinked. "HELLO, I SAID BEGIN!"
"YOU FORGOT ABOUT SUDDEN CRAZY ELIMINATION!" both contestants shouted simultaneously.
Everyone sweatdropped. "DO I HAVE TO? CAN'T YOU TWO DECIDE THIS WITHOUT IT?"
Ed pulled out a Crazy Duel Official Handbook, 3rd edition. "SUDDEN CRAZY ELIMINATION WILL BE USED ONLY IN THE EXTREME CASE WHERE NEITHER CONTESTANT HAS WON AFTER THREE ROUNDS. SHOULD THE OFFICIAL JUDGE OF THE DUEL HAVE TO RESORT TO THIS, CONTESTANTS WILL BE BLINDFOLDED AND STRIPED. WHICHEVER LAUGHS FIRST IS THE LOSER."
All the straight men and lesbians feared this because both contestants were men.
"NOW BEGIN!" Ed shouted.
The two contestants stared at each other before Roy got a smirk on his face and grabbed Private First Class Yolanda Spork. He than proceeded to stick the dirty spork into his mouth and...well...be dirty to it. Do the details need to be printed?
Half the audience was torn between barfing and laughing so did both, while the other half were just laughing. That was good for a quarter of the gauge.
"AND COLONEL MUSTANGS OPENS THE MATCH WITH SPORK MOLESTATION! SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THAT IS AGAINST THE LAW!"
Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye pulled out a large law book, Amestris Laws, 1,000th edition, "MOLESTATION: THE ACT OF SUBJECTING SOMEONE TO UNWANTED OR IMPROPER SEXUAL ADVANCES OR ACTIVITY."
"THANK YOU LIEUTENANT!" Ed shouted sarcastically.
"JUST TRYING TO HELP!"
"WHY ARE WE ALL SHOUTING!" Winry shouted over the audience.
"BECAUSE!" Ed shouted back.
The fuhrer, meanwhile, was deep in thought. "PLEASE EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT, I NEED TO GET SOMETHING FROM MY OFFICE!"
"FUHRER BRADLEY HAS GOT FIVE MINUTES TO RUN UP TO HIS OFFICE AND GET A MYSTERIOUS ITEM, HOW WILL THIS HELP HIM WIN?" Ed shouted, now doing commentary obviously.
Five minutes later and Bradley called Hughes forward. "LIEUTENANT COLONEL HUGHES!"
"ME!" said Lt. Col. asked.
"NO, YOUR DOG!"
"BUT WE DON'T HAVE A DOG," everyone sweatdropped at this answer.
"HUGHES JUST GET OVER HERE!"
"OKAY! OKAY!" he said, shooting a look at Roy that said, I'm sorry.
"I GOT A PICTURE OF ELYSIA BLOWN UP ONE MILLION TIMES, WHY DON'T YOU SHARE IT WITH EVERYONE?" he held out an extra large sheet of paper.
"REALLY," Hughes asked, his eyes dancing in merriment at the mention of not being yelled at for his favorite pass time.
"THIS IS HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS AS NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND...OKAY NO ONE WHO EVER HAD A SANE THOUGHT...OKAY NO ONE ON THE FACE OF THE WORLD WOULD GIVE LT. COL. HUGHES A CHANCE AT SHOWING A PICTURE OF ELYSIA-CHAN TO US ALL! I MUST REMIND OUR CONTESTANT THAT TORTURE IS A WAY OF HARMING THE AUDIENCE, EVEN IF THAT IS ONLY MENTAL TORTURE."
Hughes, of course, wasn't paying attention and unrolled the photo. Let's just say it was definitely not Elysia-chan.
The picture was of Roy licking a pussy...cat. The way he was licking it in the photo indicated he either wanted a sexual relationship with the animal or was grooming it.
"PUSSY ABUSER!" Al shouted from the middle section.
Ed looked at him and wondered about his own brother's sanity.
The rest of the audience laughed. It didn't get as big of a response as Roy's, but the difference was only a mere few inches.
"OOOH! BURN!" Ed said. "SEEMS LIKE THE HOME AUDIENCE ISN'T VERY LOYAL, EITHER THAT OR THEY WERE TOO DISGUESTED TO LAUGH!"
Roy's next idea was hilarious. He grabbed the flag that he'd taken off the flag pole and using his foot drew a transmutation circle in the dirt under his feet.
"LOOKS LIKE MUSTANG IS GOING TO USE ALCHEMY!" Ed said. "LET'S SEE WHAT INSANITY HE CAN TRANSMUTE."
Stripping down to his black boxer with big red lips and flames dotted all over it, he sat his clothes and the flag on his transmutation circle. Placing both hands on it the blue sparks associated with a transmutation sparked around. The flag and military uniform began to shift and change into a pink tutu.
"HE HAS A PINK TUTU!" Ed said. People were already giggling because of Roy's boxers and their natural immaturity.
Roy put the tutu on pulling his boxers so that they hung underneath the leotard. He grabbed several sporks and put mini tutus that no one had noticed amongst the large one.
"FOUR SPORKS AND MUSTANG IN PINK TUTUS. IS THIS CRUELTY TO THE AUDIENCE!" Ed said.
"YES!" several people shouted, "ONLY BECAUSE HE HAS TO WEAR A TUTU AND BOXERS!"
Ed began to pull out tissues as the images from certain audience members filled his mind. "PREVERTED AUDIENCE!" he screamed.
Meanwhile Roy began to dance. He had commanded the sporks to help him with an insane reenactment of Swan Lake staring Roy and the sporks. He even grabbed Ed and looked like he was about to kiss the judge, but stopped and went into song when Ed gave him a look that said, 'Kiss me and you won't be kissing anyone ever again.'
Roy bowed at the end of his performance. Everyone burst out into in to laughter that wasn't about to end any time soon. The meter kept getting fuller and fuller.
When the laughter stopped Ed shouted "TWO THIRDS FULL!"
Several audience members cheered about that.
"HOW WILL FUHRER BADLEY RESPOND TO THIS TOUGH CHALLENGE?"
Bradley seemed to think and then he did the craziest thing the world...yoga.
Everyone wondered if they should laugh or sweatdrop. They chose to laugh, especially when Bradley manage to get himself in a position that he could give himself a blow job if he wanted. Then he got stuck.
"HE'S STUCK!" Ed said as the laugh o' meter made it to two thirds.
Roy frowned and shouted, "SPORKS WILD CARD!"
Everyone looked at him like he was insane, which he was.
The sporks, though, seemed to know what this meant and began to run through the city.
About half an hour later they returned with every bit of coffee in the city, more sporks, and pink paint.
He began eating/drinking the coffee while drawing the pink transmutation circle. The circle dried and all the sporks stood on it with more.
Placing his hands on the circle he took a deep breath and began to transmute the sporks. A larger army of sporks began to form and the sporks evolved.
Dirt gave them features and the coffee around them hyped them up. As soon as he was done the sporks went insane and began doing even crazier things than Roy could do alone. Of course no one really knew what they did because the memory of the event was blocked from everyone's mind.
People laughed as the ground exploded upwards and the sporks tried to take over their brains. There was an inch left.
Bradley looked at Roy and suddenly brought up a tissue and wiped his sword.
Sporks fell to the ground and people cried instead of laughed.
"DON'T HURT THE SPORKS, THEY MAY NOT BE HUMAN, BUT THEY ARE INNOCENT SOLDIER'S JUST DOING THEIR JOBS," someone coughFuerycough shouted.
"SUDDENLY CRAZY ELIMINATION HAS BEEN DECLARED, GOD, OR GATE, HELP US ALL!"
Ed and Envy stepped forward to undress and blindfold the contestants. Envy pulled out two black silk blindfolds out of his top and handed one to Ed. "I'd rather blindfold you and drag you off, but for now..."
"They should call you the sin of sex, you seem to want it all the time," Ed said heading over to Roy.
It wasn't an easy task to blindfold Roy as he had drank/ate half the coffee in Central city, and he still hadn't gone to the bathroom, which made everyone wonder if he had a prostate problem.
Ed finally got Roy blindfolded and just transmuted Roy's clothes off of him.
Envy had an easier time, but more clothes, and no alchemy, to take off the fuhrer.
"ON THE COUNT OF THREE REMOVE THE BLINDFOLD!" Ed shouted. "ONE! TWO! THREE!" both contestants had their blindfolds removed and almost instantly Bradley burst out laughing.
"MUSTANG WINS!" Ed shouted as everyone realized that the reason was that Roy was a bit smaller than Bradley.
Alternate Ending 1
Roy grabbed Ed at the end of his dance and kissed him. Ed just about fainted.
Not to be out done, Bradley grabbed Ed and did the same, of course this didn't have the same effect.
Roy got pissed, "STOP KISSING, CHIBI-KOI!"
Ed got pissed, "STOP CALLING ME SHORT!"
Five Minutes Later
Both shut up and really shut up when Bradley grabbed Roy and kissed him.
"DON'T KISS OLDY-KOI!"
Ed transmuted his automail into a sword.
Unfortunately the rest is lost as the rage Ed went into destroyed the video camera.
Alternate Ending 2
Ed was sexy. At least that is what everyone said.
"ED-SAMA IS MINE!" Winry shouted.
"NO, HE'S MINE!" Lust shouted.
"YOU'RE BOTH WRONG, HE'S MINE!" Envy shouted.
"I WANT ED, TOO," Gluttony said with a finger in his mouth, "HE LOOKS YUMMY!"
"HE'S MY NII-SAN, SO HE'S MINE!"
"NO, HE'S MINE!" Hughes said.
"HE LIKES THE TASTE OF CIGARETTES MORE!"
"HE'S KIND TO ANIMALS," Fuery shouted.
"HE'S A HARD WORKER!" Farman said.
"HE KNOWS HOW TO PRANK PEOPLE," Breda shouted.
"HE HAS COMMON SENSE!" Hawkeye shouted.
"HE PUTS UP A GOOD FIGHT," Scar said.
"HE'S SMART!" Roy shouted.
"HE'S AN EXTREMELY TALENTED INDIVIDUAL AND WOULD BE A GREAT PRIDE TO THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY!"
"HE HAS SELF CONTROL!"
"HEE HEE HEE!" Ed began to giggle insanely as he popped the lid to a bottle of pain killers and swallowed them all.
Chickens began to come flocking in from Lior, they came to fight the green camels that were three inches and sitting on Ed's shoulders.
Ten feet long mice came to take over the world, their leader shouted, "HEIL PLUTO!"
Ed made funny clicking noises and suddenly seven foot tall spider monkeys showed up and shouted, "HEIL ED-SAMA, DESTROY EVIL MICE!"
As reward for destroying the evil chickens and mice, the people of Amestris made Ed their new fuhrer.
Suddenly Ed woke up. An IV drip in his arm caught his attention. "Why do I have an IV drip?"
"Because you were having a crack dream without crack, so we thought you should have some crack," Roy said.
Alternate Ending 3
Suddenly the sporks turned to Roy and simultaneously shouted, "HEIL GENERAL SPOCK!"
"GENERAL SPOCK! GENERAL SPOCK!"
"BY POPULAR SUPPORT OF THE INSANE SPORKS THAT HAVE DEVELOPED A SENITATE MIND, WE NOW PRONOUNCE GENERAL SPORK THE FUHRER!"
Everyone cheered and lived happily ever after.
I finally finished a multi-chapter fic! THANK YOU ALL!
The sequel will be out as soon as I finish Pretty Kitty.