Disclaimer: What would you do if I said that I DID own all the characters? Hmm… something to think about.

A Defensive Situation

Erik sat in his cellar and flicked the between the television. Why was there never anything on during the day? All the good programmes were on at night, and he couldn't watch them then! He was working then. After all, what sort of Opera Ghost appeared in broad daylight? It just didn't give off the same effect!

He sighed and got up to pour himself some milk. Nadir had laughed when he had found out about the Phantom's strange addiction to the white stuff. Erik had soon solved that problem with a little Punjab threatening. Unfortunately, he couldn't ban Nadir altogether. Even he needed a little company occasionally.

As Erik closed the refrigerator door he sighed. This was all Christine's fault. If she hadn't run off with that pretty boy Viscount, he wouldn't have to put up with Nadir all the time. No, he'd be too busy with Christine. Singing, kissing, some more singing…

Erik liked to sing. But these days nobody could be bothered to listen.

Just as he was about to settle down to watch reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (What could he say? He enjoyed the occasional episode. Although that musical one… he'd had to stuff cotton wool in his ears to stop the bleeding) when Nadir rushed in, looking excited.

"Erik! Turn to the news!"

"What have I told you about-?"

"Just do it, Erik!" Nadir said. Erik changed channel. It must be urgent. Either that or Nadir was getting a little big for his boots…

But when Erik turned onto the news channel, his jaw dropped. Because Raoul de Chagny was onscreen.

"Hey! The Fop!"

"Listen!" Nadir said, putting the volume up.

"The Viscount de Chagny made this announcement earlier today…" The camera zoomed in on a distressed looking Raoul. Erik noticed, with a slight twinge, that Christine was standing nearby. Although she looked a little annoyed.

"I would like to put a stop to a few rumours that have been circulating about myself and my wife, Christine. I found a few rather distressing this out while on the internet, in a section about 'fanfiction'."

Erik looked confused.

"What's fanfiction?"

"Stories, written by fans. Shh!" Nadir hushed. Erik was sorely tempted to Punjab him but listened to the fop.

"I would like to announce that I am none of the following things and this will be confirmed by Christine." Raoul said miserably. He cleared his throat and read off a list.

"I am not: A pansy, romantically interested in Meg Giry, romantically interested in the Phantom of the Opera, a wife-beater, a drunkard, a rapist or a fop. I would also like to point out that Christine and I are not going to get divorced and that I am not a bad person. So please, PLEASE stop writing stories of this nature."

Christine nodded vehemently after each statement. The screen changed back to a bemused looking newsreader and Erik turned the television off.

"I quite like the sound of this fanfiction. Except for the fop being romantically interested in me." He shuddered and headed for the computer. He didn't use it particularly, but had found solitaire to be quite entertaining once in a while.

Nadir sat next to him as he began to investigate fanfiction. Or phanfiction. Whichever you prefer.

"My god, there are some bad spellers out there." Erik said disgustedly, "And why do they keep substituting the f with a ph?"

"I have no idea. Are there any about me?" Nadir asked hopefully. Erik shook his head.

"Not really. You're not in the new movie."

"That wasn't my fault! They couldn't get anyone to play me." Nadir said sulkily. He found a gameboy and settled back in a chair to play it. Various pieces of equipment had been sent to Erik by well-wishers over the years and Nadir found some of it quite amusing.

Erik trawled the many pages of fanfiction.

"Why do they keep using song lyrics as titles? That's just unimaginative. Although most of them have got the right idea… they mostly agree that Christine should have stayed with me!"

"They also think that you're stalking Christine and raising a child down here. In the world of fanfiction, children regularly get dumped on the steps of the Opera House and you're always nice enough to take them in and bring them up." Nadir pointed out, making Mario jump over a toadstool. He paused and looked up at Erik.

"And if you're not bringing up a child, you happen to find a remarkably good looking chorus girl, who is not Christine, forget all about her and start teaching the new girl how to sing, inevitably falling love with her."

"As if that would happen!" Erik snorted. Nadir shrugged.

"Well, there are a few when you find a remarkably good looking chorus boy but…"

Erik gave him an evil look before turning back.

"Hey! Look, I found one with a high rating." Looking like a naughty schoolboy he clicked on and read a few paragraphs. Nadir peered over his shoulder and then snorted with laughter.

"Erik! I never knew that you were that good! Or that you could do THAT with a lasso!"

Erik was about to hit the back button when the doorbell rang. He went to answer and stared at the pair who stood on his doorstep.

"Christine? And… the fop." He said, looking rather disappointed.

"I'M NOT A FOP!" Raoul screamed, collapsing in tears. Christine patted his head comfortingly and then turned to the bemused Phantom.

"Hello Erik. We need to talk."

"Is it about fanfiction?"

"I've never hit Christine! Never!" Raoul wept. Christine sat him down and turned to Erik, looking thoroughly disgruntled.

"I'm sick of it, Erik. They all think that Raoul's the bad guy. Apparently they saw the new movie, and when you had Raoul hanging by the throat with the threat of death on his head at any moment, it was all Raoul's fault."

"He DID barge in." Erik mumbled but Christine gave him a shut-up-and-listen look. She paced the cellar.

"I just don't know what to do! The phans-"

"With an f or a ph?" Erik asked curiously.

"A ph generally. Anyway, they keep showing up at our house and throwing things through the windows, demanding that Raoul release me back into your strong and loving arms." She snorted and then eyed him. "Have you put on weight?"

He had, but he wasn't going to tell HER that.

"Do you think the phans may have a point?" he asked hopefully but one glare told him that the answer was clearly no. Christine was about to start ranting again when her eyes fell on the computer screen. She scanned it and her eyes widened.

"I NEVER DID THAT WITH MY TONGUE!" She screamed. Raoul recovered from his crying and darted to the computer to look.

"Hey, we never do anything like this!" he said indignantly.

"RAOUL! Erik, why were you reading that!"

"I was… conducting research. Looking into ways to prevent Raoul's reputation being ruined."

"That's not all he was looking into apparently." Nadir sniggered. Christine and Erik gave him identical glares and he backed away.

Erik sighed and picked up his glass of milk.

"Why are you here exactly, Christine?"

"Because we need to do something about this fanfiction! It's ridiculous and demeaning!" Christine said hotly. Erik eyed her.

"Why should I help? 98 of the fans like me. There are about four RC shippers in the whole fanfiction world."

"You're not going to help?"

"Are you kidding me? I've got it great. People keep sending me free stuff and the fans like me. They also think you and I should give it another try."

"I'm MARRIED!" Christine pointed out. Erik shrugged. Worth a try.

Christine glared at him and then turned to Raoul.

"Well, what are we going to do? If I can get one more list of reasons why I should be with Erik I'm going to scream!"

"Lists? Really?" Erik said, intrigued. Christine gave him a deadly look and he backed down hastily. Then shrugged.

"Whatever. I'm not helping. I like the fanfiction."

Christine stared at him and then an evil look crossed her face. She marched over to the computer, pushing Raoul and Nadir out of the way. After a few seconds of searching she clicked onto a story.

"Here we are. A Raoul/Erik story. High rating. Still happy about fanfiction?"

Erik ran over and stared at the words. Raoul looked too and then screamed in an alarmingly feminine fashion. Erik went rather pale.

"Why… why…?"

"See, Raoul/Erik shippers seem to think that all those songs were ACTUALLY written for him and you were just using me to get to him." Christine explained. Erik looked as if his head were about to explode.

"But I was singing them for YOU! That's why I used the name 'Christine' at regular intervals!"

"They just don't see it that way. I'm telling you, they're all insane. Now, will you help?"

Erik looked down at the computer screen and then at the woman in front of him. A brave air crossed his face and he set his jaw firmly.

"Yes. I will help. I'm going to do what I do best." He said forcefully. Christine smiled.

"I knew I could count on you, Erik. Come on, Raoul."

Two days later Erik heard someone pounding on his door. He opened it and saw Christine and Raoul standing on the doorstep, looking irritated.

"Erik, you know you said that you were going to help?"

"I did."

"You sent them a note!"

"A STRONGLY-WORDED note." Erik said proudly. Christine stared at him.

"And you really thought that would work?"


"Well it didn't! Eight more stories have gone up in the last five minutes. 5 of them are Erik/Christine, 2 are POV's about Erik/Christine and the last one was Raoul-bashing with Erik/Christine hints!"

Erik shrugged.

"I tried."

"You're useless!"

"Well what do you want me to do? Punjab them all?"

"It didn't stop you last time!"

"Last time they weren't on my side!" Erik said hotly, settling down to watch Buffy. Christine looked at him furiously.

"Fine. Fine! I'll just have to sort it out myself!"

She was about to leave when she saw the computer was on. She went to look and then stared at Erik.

"You're writing a fanfiction!"

"It looks like fun. Now be quiet, Buffy and Angel are fighting." Erik said distractedly. Raoul looked up.

"Which episode is it? I like the one where Buffy kills the vampires." Erik decided this wasn't worth replying to and sipped his milk.

Christine ground her teeth and promptly deleted the story without bothering to read it. Erik frowned.

"Hey! That's my story!"

"What pairing was it?" Christine demanded. Erik looked a little embarrassed.

"I don't want to say."


"Fine. It was Christine/Meg."

"PERVERT!" Christine screamed, throwing a nearby lamp at him. Raoul stared at him.

"Christine/Meg? They have those?"

"Sure. Feel free." Erik said, waving at the computer. Raoul went to look but an evil glare from Christine sent him scurrying away. She turned on Erik.

"That's it! No more, Erik. If you won't help me, then I'm not coming back!"

"Whatever. Shut the door on your way out." Erik said crossly. Buffy had Angel at stake-point and she wouldn't stop jabbering in his ear.

Christine glared at him and then barked at Raoul.

"We're leaving!"

"Actually… I thought that I might…" Raoul said, looking longingly at the blonde Vampire Slayer.

"NOW!" Christine shrieked. Erik gave Raoul a pitying look.

"Good luck."

"Thanks." Raoul muttered, following his wife out.

Erik sighed as the break came on. Good thing he HAD let Christine go. Married life seemed to be vastly overrated. He went to the computer and began to type again. He wanted to finish that fanfiction before Buffy came back on. Good thing he'd backed it up.

A/N: I don't know. I really don't know what the hell happened here. Lol, please just don't kill me and leave a review!