AL: YEA! I'm Flesh again!
ED: YEA... oh poo, I still got the automail.
AL: OMG! Brother, the FUHRER has gone power mad!
ED: Eh. Whatever, I'm retired. (Puts on blindfold)
AL: Ooookay. Hmm. Now Brother can't see me making out with WINRY. w00t!
WINRY: Squee! (Smoochs AL)
ED: I'm just going to wander aimlessly around the countryside for a while. (Almost bangs into door on the way out),
Al: (Smooch) Sure thing (smack) See you later. (Fondle).
MIDNIGHT: I'm coming to get you! Bwahahahahaha cough, choke
AL: OH NO!
WINRY: OH NO!
MIDNIGHT: Bwahahahahah! I'm gonna make some slaves, Wanna help?
AL: Hell no.
MIDNIGHT: Okay, how about we heal people instead. Crazy people.
AL: Oh, then shoot, count me in!
MIDNIGHT: Great, you'll do all the work and I'll take all the credit.
AL: Mmm, what's in it for me?
MIDNIGHT: You get to screw WINRY.
AL: w00t! Where do I sign!
ROY: Yawn. Bored. Horny.
MIDNIGHT: How about you help me turn you into a slave for the Fuhrer.
ROY: Um… Sure. Bwahahahaha.
MIDNIGHT: Wait, I'm pretty sure that was my line.
ROY: Uh… sure, yeah, that's right. My mistake (snicker).
ED: Ok, I'm home! (home home home) What's that eerie echo? And why didn't AL pick up after the party? Oh no! AL's been kidnapped and it must be BECAUSE OF ME. (ANGST!)
MIDNIGHT: Er… well… no. Actually, your brother's smarter than you--
ED: No it's me. All me. Woe is me. What can I do to save him? I'll do ANYTHING! (GUILT!)
MIDNIGHT: Well, since you put it that way…. how about I take off your arm, throw you in jail with your horny ex-boss, and force you to work on my project to make slaves.
ED: Sure whatever. Project to make what?
MIDNIGHT: Oh, never mind that last part. Doesn't concern you.
AT THE LAB
AL: Oooh cute rat! (ZOT! Splatter!) Ooops. (ANGST!) Roy, you are my lab partner, but you do nothing. Comfort me.
ROY: Whoo! Sure! AL, you are getting sleepy, very sleepy – when I count to ten you will get down on your knees and…
MIDNIGHT (entering the room): Oh, ROY, I just put ED in your jail cell. I now plan to leave the two of you all alone together and not pay any attention whatsoever to what you do.
ROY: Oh! Well, then never mind that last order AL, how about you just do everything I say and worship me like a god?
AL: Yes master.
MIDNIGHT: Wait a second – you can make slaves without an array? Makes my work here kind of redundant!
ROY: Not at all, without you there would be no plot.
MIDNIGHT: Point taken.
SOMEWHERE IN CENTRAL
WINRY: (Smooch smack slobber) Squee!
AL: (Smooch smack slobber) Oh, by the way, Master… I mean ROY wants you to become a thief and a traitor for him. Oh, and get a tattoo.
WINRY: Sure! Squee!
ROY: So, er, ED are you legal yet?
ED: Not quite.
ROY: Are you horny?
ED: Er, no.
ROY: Well, I guess I'm enough for both of us. (Pounce)
ED: Eeeek….ooooh… Oh, ROY!
MIDNIGHT: What do you mean ROY is plotting to take over the world. Inconceivable!
MIDNIGHT: Of course, I know what that word means!
AL: Hey Midnight, now that I've demonstrated that I can make the slavery array work, how about you come up to my room … all by yourself… and let me get you drunk.
MIDNIGHT: I see nothing at all suspicious in this request. (Drinks a mickey)
AL: Good. Roll over, I'm going to tattoo something on your butt.
MIDNIGHT: Oh no, not an array! (Snooze)
AL: Well, actually I was going to tattoo "Al pwns Midnight," but I guess an array would make more sense.
AL: Whoo hoo! I got me a man-slave! Sucks I'm not gay. Oh wait. Conscience. Wah! (ANGST!)
MIDNIGHT: Despite the fact that I came up with idea in the first place, and can feel the tattoo on my butt, I will choose to ignore everything and believe I'm still my own man. God, I love denial!
ROY: I'm unspeakably jealous of AL. Not only does he get the girl, but he gets a manslave, too. Well, ED will just have to serve double duty.
ROY: Make me slaves. Hup hup! Him – we'll start there.
ANONYMOUS GAURD: Huh?
AL: (ANGST!) Although I'm endangering myself and everyone I care about, I'm going to throw a hissy fit and refuse to do anything useful ever again.
ROY: AL, you are getting sleepy, very sleepy. Obey your god.
AL: Yes master.
ANONYMOUS GAURD: AAAAA! Oooh!
MIDNIGHT: Now's probably not the best time to point out that this guy has nothing to do with forwarding the plot.
MIDNIGHT: No no, those are Velvet Mace's OTHER fics.
ROY: NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW!
MIDNIGHT: Well, except for ASHFELL. And you are starting to really creep me out. I'm glad I got pwned by Al and not you.
ROY: ASHFELL who?
MIDNIGHT: Er, the guy who has us all under 24 hour a day serveilance.
ROY: Since when?
MIDNIGHT: Since the start of this fic. Oh, did I forget to tell you that?
IN THE LAB:
MIDNIGHT: To spice things up, the author is going to sneak various kinks into the next few chapters. So here ED, put on this French Maid's uniform so we can sneak you out of the lab and get ASHFELL. You can be our distraction.
ED: No way!
AL: Wait, what if me and WINRY made NC-17 smex in front of the guards instead?
MIDNIGHT: Oh, very well, but you'll have to tone it down to PG-13.
AL: Oh poo!
MIDNIGHT: Anyway, ED better put on a military uniform, because we need to sneak a clothing fetish in here somehow.
ROY: Do I get a say in this?
ED and MIDNIGHT: NO!
ROY: Dang. Wait, I'm in control here. I'm coming along. MIDNIGHT, I want your clothes.
MIDNIGHT: That's totally gay, dude.
ROY: In this fic, I am.
MIDNIGHT: Oh, right! But they won't fit. I'm like normal height, and you are almost as shrimpy as ED.
ROY: No worries, ED is an awesome tailor.
ED: Ta da!
ROY: Eep! (Blush)
MIDNIGHT: Wow! That's amazing – but ROY doesn't look as good in a French Maid's uniform as you would. You better turn it back.
ED: Oh poo!
OUTSIDE THE LAB:
ANONYMOUS BRAINWASHED GAURD: I'm blind, dumb and stupid, so I'll be narrating this next bit so the author can be lazy. Oh, look at that, we got a car and everyone knows what to do. It's a miracle.
ER… SOMEWHERE VAGUE:
ASHFELL: I seem to recall my mother telling me not to get into cars with strangers, but … ooh, are those M&M's?
(5 minutes later)
ASHFELL: Oh no! I've been kidnapped!
AL: Let me show that I can do alchemy by performing this bondage number on you, because it's been a chapter since the last fetish.
ED: I'm going to tickle your toes-- I mean put an array down here.
AL: Now ROY, having people obey your orders like a military commander is cruel and unusual. Just ask any soldier. However, having them worship you as a god is totally ok!
ROY: Thank god I have a 17 year old boy to be my moral compass.
ASHFELL: I suppose this would be a bad time to tell you that the swat team is on its way.
AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE:
ROY: Are you worried about the fact that my half-assed plan is falling apart? Because we are going do something deliberately dumb and put ourselves in great danger?
ED: No, I just realized I haven't done anything remotely intelligent for the last 12 chapters. If I had less screen time, I'd be an extra. Oh, and I just realized you are only temporarily gay, and when this is over I'm going to be ALL ALONE!
ROY: Nonsense. Too many people ship Roy/Ed. It will work out even if the author has to use WD-40 and a shoehorn to make it fit.
ED: Er… actually that sounds painful.
ROY: Yes, but this is only PG-13, so it will have to take place off camera.
ROY : We surrender!
ROY: We SURRENDER!
DEVERS: FIRE! Oh, wait… You still alive in there?
TORTURE CELL AT LAB 5 (what lab could be without one?):
ROY: I'm naked and chained down, let me guess, this chapter's fetish?
DEVERS: Yep. Sadly, this fic is PG-13 so non-consensual sex is out of the question. However, non-consensual violence is just fine!
ROY: Ah, rape is so much worse than torture. I see!
DEVERS: Exactly, so let me psychologically torture you by making you listen to ED scream.
ROY: Oh no!
ROY; What are you doing to him?
DEVERS: Forcing him to read fan fic. He should be on the bondage fics now, wait until he gets to the socket play.
ROY: That's horrible…. Er…I don't suppose…
DEVERS: Yeah, you can read them next. Now, on to physical torment.
ROY: Do your darnedest. Ha, nothing gets to me!
DEVERS: Let me introduce you to a little notion called "Bikini Waxing."
ROY: (Screams like a girl).
ASHFELL: Hey, DEVERS, I bet you'll never guess what's behind this door.
DEVERS: I know all about arrays, but I find my SO's behavior totally normal. Well hey, look at that, it's AL, ED and ROY. All in the same room. Unrestrained.
Ed: Let's do a dogpile on this guy, so that ROY can watch.
Al: Er… that sounds suspiciously kinky.
ED: No, it's ordinary male bonding. This is PG-13 after all.
DEVERS: Ack! Oh no I'm totally at the mercy of the guy I just tortured!
ROY: Luckily for you I want to be popular more than I want to hurt people. Besides, I feel silky smooth right now. So, from this moment forward, you are my bestest friend.
FIFTH LAB PENTHOUSE:
ASHFELL: Wow, the 5th lab really has everything doesn't it – from torture chambers to luxury apartments. Kind of akin to a Carnival Cruise Ship. Er… ROY, don't you like your new digs? We left a mint on the pillow.
ROY: (Angst) I can't enjoy anything. Woe is me. ED hates me because I'm full of hot air and I got him tortured.
ASHFELL: Er… about that…
ED: (Angst) ROY hates me because I'm useless and I tortured him.
ASHFELL: Er… about that…
ED AND ROY: WAHHHHHHH! AAAH… Oh…. Oooh….smack… smooch… slobber…giggle… paw…
ASHFELL: Er…. I think I'll just excuse myself right now.
AL: Pacing demands that I wangst and cry like a girl for the next three chapters. This is kind of unmanly, but I always do what I'm told.
WINRY: Oh, AL don't worry, you look like a girl, you might as well act like one.
AL: Thanks – hey wait, you had a line!
WINRY: Duh, yeah! Considering how much work I've done, and the fact I'm a major character, it's about time. So, what's my part in the big Fuhrer Fight. Will I get a gun? Will I get to do something amazingly clever? Will I have zippy lines? Come on, I'm the only girl in this fic, I have to stand up and represent my gender here.
AL: Ah, uh… Sure we'll come up with something.
AL: Whew, now that's the girl I love.
OUTSIDE THE BUILDING:
FUHRER: Well, now, I'm the REAL bad guy, and I've finally arrived in this fic. Whoo hoo. Watch me act like jerk so no one will be the least bit sympathetic when I'm attacked by the good guys.
MIDNIGHT: Huh? Wait, you know we are going to attack you?
FUHRER: Yes, because I'm psychic that way.
MIDNIGHT: ... And yet you are willing to go anywhere near the 5th lab?
FUHRER: Yes, because I'm stupid that way.
MIDNIGHT: Ah…. That makes total sense now.
FUHRER: You are ugly and your mother dresses you stupid.
MIDNIGHT: I'm wearing the same uniform you are, and I'm the guy who can enslave people… you kind of need me. Wouldn't it be smarter to, you know, butter me up or something?
FURHER: "Butter you up?" That sounds kind of kinky.
MIDNIGHT: Uh… Sometimes you scare me, sir.
IN THE MECHANICAL ROOM:
WINRY: They put me in the CLOSET?
INSIDE THE LAB:
ASHFELL: Here sir, let's go up to the apartment where ROY and all plan to ambush you in a luxurious and beautiful setting.
FURHER: No, how about we go down to the jail cell instead. It would be much more ironic.
ASHFELL: Well, er, we have to do a little shuffling to do that. Let's stop the elevator so that everyone can switch places properly.
FUHRER: Oh goody. I like muzak.
THE JAIL CELL:
ROY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAH: So NOW you see the folly of your plans! You see, while you thought we were creating this array so that I could be your slave, in truth, we were making it so that I could make you MY slave. Ah, the irony. The irony.
FUHRER: No, you think you are free and clear but watch me turn the tables on you. (Takes out gun and shoots at ROY) How's THAT for irony!
ED: In order to save ROY, who I love, I will deflect the bullet to hit AL, who I also love. That's even MORE ironic.
AL: HAH, I'm the only one who can array the FUHRER, without me, the whole plot falls apart. Oh God, the IRONY! (Falls to the floor with a bullet in his head).
FUHRER: HA HA, now wouldn't it be REALLY ironic if it turns out someone else could activate the array, too.
ASHFELL: Well actually sir, you should know that MIDNIGHT can do it. I mean you really SHOULD know, since that's what YOUR plan was from the beginning. Now what would be TRULY ironic, is if MIDNIGHT won't because he thinks AL's dead.
MIDNIGHT: You know the irony is getting a bit thick in here. Ok, watch me spend the next hour trying to spin a slam-dunk into a nail biter. On one hand, I got a megalomaniac who is verbally abusive and crushingly punishes anyone who gets in his way. On the other hand, there is a guy who insults my manliness. Tough choice.
ASHFELL: Hey can we hurry this up, The Young and the Restless is on in 10 minutes.
MIDNIGHT: (head slap) Oh, of course. Sorry there, I forgot. (Arrays FUHRER).
FUHRER: Now it would be really ironic if—
ROY: Sorry, we've already done that shtick to death. You are now my slave.
FUHRER: Gasp. Oh. Drat.
ASHFELL: Great, that's done. Oh, ED sorry about your bro dying and all. Tough break.
ED: My brother isn't dead. He's an Elric. We can bounce back from even the most ridiculously horrendous injuries.
AL: Yeah, like having my entire body destroyed. Compared to that, a bullet in the head is nothing.
MIDNIGHT: Yippee AL is dead. I'm a free man! Free!
ED: No really, he isn't dead, you are still screwed.
AL: Yeah, honestly I'm not and I still totally pwn you.
ROY: (ANGST) I loved him like a brother-in-law!
ED: Yo, he's not dead. He's not even really injured.
AL: Look, I'm doing the Macarena, could I do that if I were dead?
ROY, MIDNIGHT and ASHFELL: He was a good kid. Tragic, Tragic.
ED and AL: ARGH!
MIDNIGHT: Well it's all over. The good guys won, and just to make this treacley sweet, you and I will get along like chums for the last chapters.
ROY: What the hell, chapters? The story is over, why the hell are there more chapters?
MIDNIGHT: No, the story isn't dead. It's undead. Not only will it have chapters worth of resolution, but it will have an omake AND probably dirty outtakes. It's NEVER going to end.
ROY: OH god no, no.
MIDNIGHT: Well, actually, it could be worse. At least we aren't in that angsty NC-17 plotfic VELVET MACE just started. Or, well, heh, at least I'M not.
ROY: Groan. Don't rub it in.
THE END… (we hope).