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PetPetAngel: Oh... My... God... The chapter is finally done! I'm so sorry I haven't updated in like, two billion years, but I did make this chapter longer to help you out... I'm sorry... I feel very bad for making you wait for such bad writing...

Johnny: Cut the soap opera, please...

Rab: Well, you're chipper.

Johnny: Whad'ya want me to be, I nearly-

Rab: (kisses him to shush up) No spoilers, koi.

Johnny: (pouts) Alright...

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Disclaimer: I do not own Johnny Tremain or When You Kiss Me, by Shania Twain.

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Warnings: Yaoi/Slash/Shounen-ai, (though that ain't much of a warning) (YAY! THERE ISN'T A VIOLENCE WARNING ANYMORE!)

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To Leslie and then Rosemary: Do you think that Rab and Johnny could be koi-ing like Sam and Frodo? And, to Rosemary, I've got a surprise for you in this chappie.

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Dear Journal

Written by:

PetPetAngel

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Fic Type: Multiple chapter story with some Songs stuck in.

Rating: Rated T

Dedication: Rikusgurl, Yaoi Rox Me Sox,

Pairing: Johnny x Rab

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Key

"Blah"

Blah - Emphasis, Dream, or Flashback

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Rab's POV

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Quieting Johnny was not easy, he was restless, tired, stressed. For a while we merely stood there, him clutching me, and me hugging back. His shoulders shook, he was paler, he had worn himself out. Life was not treating Johnny lightly. My parents were looking at us with both a sort of happiness, but with remorse for the situation.

When he had calmed down, we both sat down and he explained the situation.

"I haven't heard anything. I'm sitting duck." He sighed, and I squeezed his shoulder lightly. He put his head in his hands and groaned. "Ugh... How am I gonna pay for this?" And he let out a sound of defeat. "Oh man... I gotta perform tonight..." Just as my mother was going to say something, Cilla burst through the door gasping and panting for breath. She ran over to Johnny, who cocked an eyebrow at her, and through his misery, said: "Cilla... What are you doing here?"

Having caught her breath, she asked: "Johnny, why on earth are you here?"

Suddenly very monotonous, Johnny replied: "I could and did ask you the same thing."

"I saw you in the back of an ambulance with someone else, who were they!"

Johnny's shoulders slumped, and he looked at the ground. Just when I thought he wasn't going to be okay, he quickly stood up and muttered, "I need some air. Follow if you want, it won't get you far." I blinked for a second. Then stood up to follow him out. Cilla stopped me.

"Didn't you hear him? He said following would do no good." She grabbed my wrist and I turned around, glaring daggers at her. She stared at me with wide eyes as I said:

"Damn it Cilla, I know Johnny better than you do and I know that, right now, he needs someone more than anything else in the world. Johnny needs help, Cilla," I said quietly, "And if your not going to help him, I sure as hell am going to." I pulled my wrist roughly from her grasp and jogged quickly over to Johnny, who had just gotten a few feet out the door.

"Johnny!" He walked a few more feet and then stopped, and turned around.

"We'll go to the park," he said quietly, and I nodded and walked beside him, almost immediately grasping his hand in mine, squeezing gently. Though he was looking at his feet, he seemed to know exactly where he was going. As we came to the park, he led me to a very secluded area, and pushed away vines which led through a small hole. When we crawled through it,I couldn't helpit andgasped.

It was like a small lake, there was even a dock there, trees shadowed most of the area, it had a very, dare I say, romantic feeling about it. Benches surrounded the lake, but Johnny sat right on the dock, dangling his feet over the edge after taking off his shoes and socks. He motioned for me to join him and I do, but while I'm at it, I pulled him into my lap.

He squeaked, but I merely tightened my grip on his waist slightly and brought him to me.

And suddenly my head pulsed. Once. Twice. I burrowed my head into his neck, and pursed my lips against the pulsing.

X

I groaned and blinked my eyes. Oh great. I know where I am. Aunt Jenifer was in front of me, hand resting on her chest. Her eyes were worried and almost frantic. I heard talking upstairs; no, it was to panicked to be talking. I listened. Nothing. "Rab... Come, now. He's having the dream." I nodded though I did not know what was going on, and followed her form upstairs to the attic.

"No, don't..." I heard Johnny whisper.

"Rab...?"

"He's having the dream again, quiet now, stay here, you'll hear fine." I nodded and gulped, not quite sure why I was so nervous. My aunt walked over to Johnny, and I peeked in. Johnny was shivering and shaking horribly, tossing and turning here and there. There was a look of horror on Johnny's face.

"No... I won't kill Rab... No... No...!" My eyes widened and I heard Johnny begin to cry.

"Rab?"

Once. Johnny's body shook violently, my breath was ragged. Twice. Johnny's sobs became louder, his body flinching and himself still crying out. My eyes were wide and my eyebrows furrowed, and all I was thinking was thatthat must be one hell of a nightmare. "No... I won't hurt him... No! I won't kill Rab...! No..." This time his body did not shake. It convulsed and spasmed and I became terribly numb, afraid for Johnny.

Seeing my horrified expression, my aunt went over to Johnny, and shook him gently.

"No Rab, no! NO!" He shot up and I gaped at his form. He was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, and was breathing heavily.

"Aunt Jenifer?"

"If it bothers you so much I could go talk to Rab..."

"No! Don't! You can't!"

"But you're not sleeping anymore, Johnny. You don't sleep, and I'm starting to worry about you..."

"But you can't tell Rab! You can't..." Johnny was panicked worse than I had ever seen anyone, and Aunt Jenifer was close to him.

"Would you rather he found out but himself?" Johnny then bit his lip, closed his eyes and laid pain down, shivering, or shaking, I couldn't tell. He covered his face and took a few ragged breaths, each one followed by a shaking of some sort.

"No... Don't... I don't know... I can't help it!" Aunt Jenifer looked a bit taken aback with his sudden outburst, and went to reach for him, but Johnny turned away and crawled back from her, shaking his head. "I can't help it! I'm not Rab! I'm not strong like him! I- I- I..." He trailed off, squirming, and Aunt Jenifer looked on with the most hopeless expression that I had ever seen in my life.

"You can't tell him, Aunt Jenifer! You can't! Please, don't tell Rab..." Aunt Jenifer suddenly had an understanding look which dawned on her face.

"You don't want him to think you are weak... Weaker than he is... Do you? You don't want him to look down to you, you want him to merely see you as an equal. You don't want him to belittle you?"

"I can't help it, Aunt Jenifer. I'm pretty sure I am an equal to him... But I think... At the same time... I'm just a stupid, naive, child. Helpless and useless. And I wish... I wish sometimes my voice meant more... Or that I wasn't here because of it. Around everyone... Mr. Adams... Mr. Hancock... Sometimes even Rab himself... I just feel so small and insignificant..."

"Oh Johnny..." Aunt Jenifer offered her open arms, and Johnny hesitated, but curled in and leaned against her. "Can I tell you something, Johnny? A secret?" Johnny nodded shortly, though I saw interest sparked in his eyes. "Rab isn't as indestructable as you think he is, Johnny. Even nowadays, Rab still has times when he falls apart. Like about you."

Johnny looked up with wide, disbelieving, bewildered eyes. "About me?"

"Yeah. Because Rab isn't always that strong. But you think he is, you expect him to be that way. But sometimes he can't always be. And sometimes it gets to him."

"Really...?"

"Really. Now are you sure you don't want me to talk to him? Or have him talk to you about it?" Johnny closed his eyes for a moment, then he said quietly.

"Go ahead." Aunt Jenifer nodded and Johnny said hurriedly, "Aunt Jenifer..." She turned around, and very suddenly, surprising me, he hugged her. She was also surprised, but hugged back gently. "Rab's lucky to have an Aunt like you." She smiled and scurried out the room after she was released.

"Rab?"

X

Later that day, I knew what I had to do, and found Johnny outside, staring with blank eyes ahead of him. He was deep in thought, and didn't even notice when I walked up beside him. For a minute or two, I merely stared at his profile, the was the light hit him, the way that his hair blew softly in the wind, and I said softly, hoping not to startle him, "Johnny?"

Still, he jumped slightly, and looked to me with a blush staining his cheeks. "Rab...!"

"Aunt Jenifer spoke to me about a dream you had... She didn't tell me much, but she told me that it was about myself and that it was upsetting you more than it should. What is itallabout?"

"Well... It started quite a while ago... When you first really were sure tht you were going to fight..." He squirmed slightly, but my eyes told him to continue. When he did not, I spoke questioningly.

"So you are afraid of me leaving...?"

"No... Yes... But... It's... It's not that simple Rab..." Johnny leaned heavily against the ledge of the porch, looking as though if someone were about to kill him.

"Then explain it."

"I don't know how."

"Just say it like is."

Johnny took a deep breath. "Well... First of all, my hand isn't burned so like it is... And... You... Try to leave... But I try to stop you... And then you strike me unconscious..." My brows furrowed at the statement, eyes turning concerned. "And the next time I wake up... I'm with you, fighting... Shooting, and my vision, is like... Red..." I nodded and motioned for him to continue, but his breath was shaky and I wasn't quite that sure he could.

"I can hear my breathing in my ears and my heart is pounding... And then I don't remember what happens... Ever.My vision blanks and there's pain and all I can see is white...Then...All I know is that I somehow... End up... Shooting you multiple times... And you end up... Dying... And... And... And..." I lifted my hand to motion him to stop talking.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

Johnny couldn't seem to answer that one. He was silent for a while until he finally said, "I was ashamed of it, Rab. I was ashamed that a mere nightmare could bother me so much. I was ashamed that... That..." Johnny closed his eyes and his brow furrowed, "I was ashamed that I couldn't be as strong as you... That I couldn't face and fight my fears like you could... I... I..." He smiled ruefully, and looked up at me with eyes betrayed the small, lost smile on his face. "I'm pathetic."

Though I knew very well why, I had to make him say it to me, so that he could confirm ithimself,but hearing him do so left me stunned. I had always wanted to keep Johnny away from his father, and even though this wasn't the abused Johnny that I knew so well, I felt that I had failed to protect him,for I had no idea that his fears ran so deep, were so painful for him. "Oh Johnny..."

"Please Rab... Don't feel bad for me... Don't..."

I couldn't help it, I practically felt like crying for Johnny, as I enveloped him in a tight hug, feeling him stiffen in my arms. "Rab... What-?"

"Rab!"

"Shhhh..." I whispered into his ear, and he did so immediately. "Don't feel this way, Johnny... Don't feel that I would ever be ashamed of you. Because I never will be, in fact... To me... You're one of the strongest people I know, with your hand," I grasped it gently, and felt him flinch, but continued nonetheless, "but you keep fighting anyway, Johnny! If you think that the fight against the British will be hard for me, I feel for you as though if your life has been one...!

"I respect you Johnny, and I care a lot about you... The next time that you feel this way, feel like you need to talk to me, please, let me know, tell me so that I can help. There is no shame in asking for help, but merely in denying you ever need it..." I turned him around to face me, and I saw his eyes searching mine. He looked a bit out of it, but he nodded slowly.

"Sure, Rab." He swallowed, "I could do that."

"Good," I smiled at him, and he smiled hesitantly back.

X

I opened up my eyes to see a disgruntled Johnny in my lap, and I stared at him questioningly. "You just completely spaced out for the last twenty minutes, Rab. What happened?" I blinked. And I blinked again.

I decided to tell him the whole truth. "... I dunno... I just kinda started seeing some weird things... And my head was pounding..."

"What kinda 'weird' things," he implored curiously.

"I... Well... I saw you..." He blinked at this, "And I was there too... And your hand was burned, sorta like it is now... And there was Aunt Jenifer and Uncle Lorne and-"

"Hold up, Rab. So... You're practically tellling me that you were in Johnny Tremain's Boston, and you interacted with them as Rab, right?" I blinked so many times and I thought that my eyes were going to pop out.

"How did you know- What?"

"I've read that book. It's one of the few that I have. And hearing you was like listening to a missing scene from Johnny Tremain. So... I assumed." He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, "Good guess, ne, koi?"

"Oh so now you're sly, hai?"

"Hai!" He grinned at me but his smile faded and he looked at me with shining eyes, "We should go back to the hospital... Hey, wait, where's Cilla?" He stood up as we prepared to leave, taking a few steps away from me.

"She didn't want me to follow you, but I figured I should anyway. I got angry at her when she wouldn't let me go to you. And I left her with a glare." He looked at me with a look that I couldn't quite decipher, and I stared squarely back at him.

"Apologize to Cilla."

"But-"

"But nothing. She doesn't know me as much as you do. She wouldn't know what I want like you do." A sly smirk came over me, and I came closer to him, lightly pressing myself against him, feeling him stiffen. I bent down so that my mouth was right near his ear, then licked his earlobe.

"What do you want?" I whispered to him. I felt him shiver, and though for a moment he did not say anything, his hands guided my fae to his, his nose brushing mine in an Eskimo-like kiss, hands already twisting into my hair.

"You." That's all it took for me to grasp onto his shirt, clutching him as he clutched me, leaning lightly against me. The kiss was no where near as tender as the first we shared, it was more needing, more wanting, more feeling. Every fear, worry, that I had, disappeared as I only focused on kissing him, making him feel how much I loved him. I was surprised when I felt a toungue massaging my lips, and I opened my mouth for him, knowing that he needed to be dominant in this.

When we parted, he was out of breath and I was sure I looked no better. "To be continued," I said. "We should leave now." Johnny's lips were thin, but he nodded to me anyway and I grasped his hand securely. "Johnny..."

"Hm...?"

"Don't let it destroy you."

"You'll be there. I won't."

"Good."

And there was silence on the way back.

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"Johnny!"

"Cilla..."

"You're okay!"

"I will be." Cilla's mood seemed slightly dampened by this, but had she looked closer, she would've seen the spark of hope that now lingered in Johnny's eyes, which made them glow a bright blue.

"Oh dear!" Mom cried as she made her way over to Johnny, enveloping his form and hugging him carefully. "Yes... Yes... You'll be okay... You'll be fine." Johnny pushed my mom off him gently, offering him a small smile, which assured her for the time being. "The doctor spoke to us." Johnny's face fell slightly, but I placed a hand on his shoulder and he nodded to my mother to continue. "Well... He's done a number on his hands, and blood loss will keep him overnight, but other than that..."

Johnny's smiled happiply,and mom wasalready feeling betterto see him in an improvedmood.

"It'll get better," she told him.

He nodded and told her, "It won't destroy me."

And she understood.

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Two Weeks Later

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I watched as Johnny sat quietly in my livingroom, once again, the first one up. Buddy was curled up into his side, and he petted the dog absentmindedly, eyes far away. We had taken great care of him, his wounds healed but I knew that the pain still taunted him. Some hurts go too deep, hurt too much. Buddy by his side licked his hand, catching Johnny attention. He stared at the dog for a moment before rubbing the his stomach.

I creaked my eyes fully open, and remembered that I had fallen asleep here the night before. A blanket was wrapped comfortably around me, and I smiled as Johnny stared at Buddy. "Morning koi," he said without looking up, catching me off guard. I looked at him and crawled over to where he was sitting, and responded quietly.

"Hai. Daijoubu ka, Johnny?"

"Hai. I will be."

"Koi..."

"Nani?

"Shinpai shinaide, onegai shimasu."

"I won't worry Rab, but... I haven't seen him in a while..."

"Are you ready to?"

"I... I don't know."

Footsteps were heard on the steps, and we became quiet, Johnny still rubbing Buddy's stomach. "Morning," mom said, fully dressed. We nodded to her and she smiled at us both, eyes bright like they never had been in the past few weeks. "How did you two sleep?"

"Well," we replied in unison.

"Warm enough?" I noticed a blush grace Johnny's features, and I wondered what he knew that I didn't. But I had my assumtions.

"Yeah."

Just then, two speeding bunches flew down the stairs at unimaginable speed, one clinging to me and the other to Johnny, who was by now used to the occurance, and picked up Tommy, no, wait, Timmy, and set him in his lap. Timmy crawled behind Johnny and started pulling his hair out of the ponytail it was in, playing with the hair. Tommy was doing something similar, and though it was a strange habit for boys of any age to pick up, no one seemed to mind.

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Later That Day

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I stared at Johnny on the back porch, feeling like my heart was going to burst. He had barely said anything since our brief conversation that morning, and I felt bad, like I had done something to upset him, which, for the record, I probably had. Mom was out there with him, in the garden, and though I was pretty sure she knew, Johnny was watching her. Dad was in the basement, working on one thing or another, but I would see him later. The twins had gone over to a friend's house, but everyone seemed so far away.

I heard the doorbell ring, and I figured that no one else was going to get it, so I went.

Nothing would've prepared me for what I saw on the other side of that door.

"Hello... Mr. Wolfe," I said to him quietly, not wanting to give away my anger towards. He nodded to me and I saw his eyes shift, my eyes narrowing at the nervous gesture.

"Is Johnny here?" His own voice was quieter, far too gentle for the horrendous things that he had done.

"Is that really any of your business?"

"He's my son!" His voice had only raised slightly, but I had to add to his statement.

"Who you beat." He seemed at a loss for words, but the sound of feet padding on carpet stopped me from observing him. "Johnny!" I exclaimed as I whipped around. He seemed fine until his father came into the his vision, where as he stumbled back and I had near to catch him so that he didn't hurt himself. "Whoa, Johnny, careful." Johnny's father stared at him for a long while, until he said quietly.

"Hello, son." Johnny cringed in my arms, and I helped bring him back up more steadily on his feet. "Listen... I'm not going to suddenly become the father of your dreams... Lord knows I'd be amazed if you ever stopped hating me... I just want ot know what kind of position you want me to have in your life, if one at all." Johnny shivered, I could feel it on my arms which were wrapped around his waist. Johnny gulped before speaking hesitantly.

"I want you to go to an alcoholic rehab center, I want you to get a therapist. I want you to clean up the house and get rid of the bloodstains. Seeing how well that all goes, I tell you what I want you to be. Okay?"

Johnny's father made no move of protest, he merely nodded silently, and began to walk away. "And dad?" I saw Johnny's father stop moving immediately after Johnny had spoken, and his head turned around to peer at him. "Love ya." Johnny's father seemed at a loss for words, and so it would have been had he not spoken.

"Love ya too, my boy. Love ya too."

I saw tears in his eyes.

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Later that night, Johnny had informed us that he had had to perform at a restraunt, which we all happily agreed to come with him, for we knew how well he sang. He hadn't hd time to change, for he had lost track of it, and in the car, he was showered with compliments that made him blush wonderful shades of scarlet. He hadn't told us what he was singing, he said it was a surprise for me, which of course earned me some wonderfully embarrassing comments and remarks, and the Webb twins just couldn't figure out why I was blushing.

As we arrived at the restaraunt, I was surprised to find that it was a very expensive one, it had a bar and was said to have wonderful food, so I was surprised even more so and several people came up to Johnny with a casualty that seemed so... Casual. He motioned us to follow him inside, and I saw him give few friendly waves to a few people, and was surprised beyond belief when a young girl attached herself to his leg. Not seeming in the least bit bothered, he murmured, "Rosemary H., and how would you be doing today?"

"Fine!" She chirped cheerfully.

"And how did you escape your parents this time?"

"Uh... Very, very, carefully?"

"It's the best I'll get out of you. Come chibi tenshi."

"Some tenshi I must be, ne?" A grin crossed Johnny's face, and he motioned for us to follow him. Leading us to the bar, he smiled and tapped the bartender on the shoulder, who jumped and turned around, eyes wide at the sight of Rosemary. "Hey, mom?"

"Oh boy, not again, did you go in the room I told you not to go in?"

"You mean the one with all the adults doing things you said I don't know about yet?"

"Yes..."

"No."

"I... Actually think she's telling the truth," Johnny said, winking at Rosemary, who giggled. "She wasn't near there, and I thought it was mostly men?"

"Yes, yes. Thank you Johnny, who only knows what would happen if I didn't have you. But you have to be on in a few minutes, so I suggest you hurry." Johnny nodded to him, and I tapped him on the shoulder.

"Oh! Yes, Chris, give Rab and his family a seat, wherever you like. Though if it's not suitable for them..."

"Yes, yes, now scurry off now! Damn, will she be mad at you!" Johnny's eyes widened and he rushed over towards the stage, and I saw him disappear behind the curtain. "Come on," 'Chris' told us. Not really knowing the restaraunt, we followed. We had a surprisingly good seat for walking in on such short notice, and I nodded in thanks to Chris, who still had Rosemary in her arms.

Chris disappeared quite quickly, and it only actually took a lot of performances before I recognized Johnny as the one up there. There was a surprising uproar of applaud, and then suddenly silence so quiet that I could hear Johnny's boots hitting the stage, clapping as his audience did not. The music that began playing was incredibly quiet, soft, and gentle. My breath caught in my throat as Johnny began singing, his words echoing in my ears.

"This could be it, I think I'm in love...
It's love this time...
It just seems to fit, I think I'm in love,
This love is mine..."

And I felt my heart beat, not remembering when my hand had snaked up to rest over it, breath ragged, eyes following Johnny's every movement.

"I can see you with me when I'm older,
All my lonely nights are finally over...
You took the weight of the world off my
shoulders (the world just goes away)...

"Oh, when you kiss me,
I know you miss me--
and when you're with me:
The world just goes away...
The way you hold me...
The way you show me that you
adore me--oh, when you kiss me...
Oh, yeah..."

My breath became even more uneven as Johnny left the stage, walking around the place, eyes following him as well as my own. He seemed to have captivated the crowd in that single moment, as if he was the only one who mattered there. And to me, that was exactly it...

"You are the one, I think I'm in love...
Life has begun,
I can see the two of us together,
I know I'm gonna be with you forever,
Love couldn't be any better..."

Johnny came closer and closer to our table, and I felt a small smile spread across my face as he sat down on the table, hand reaching for mine, his voice still clear in the silent room. "Johnny..." I murmured, and so that was all I could manage.

"Oh, when you kiss me,
I know you miss me--
and when you're with me:
The world just goes away...
The way you hold me...
The way you show me that you
adore me--oh, when you kiss me...
Oh, yeah...

"I can see you with me when I'm older,
All my lonely nights are finally over...
You took the weight of the world off my
shoulders (the world just goes away)..."

And so, Johnny began to lean in to me, seeming a bit close, his eyes were half-lidded and his breath was just as shaky as mine, much to my surprise. He looked incredible, with his chest partially heaving and I swear I hear his heart pounding from the microphone hazardly place on the collar of his shirt.

"And when you kiss me,
I know you miss me...
Oh, the world just goes away...
When you kiss me..."

As the music softened I got the epiphamy of my life as Johnny leaned over me and kissed me chastely on the lips, the small kiss sending an incredible feeling through me that nearly left me light-headed. I was sure that there was a chorus, as well as a mental agreement of 'Awww' but I didn't notice as I stared into Johnny's glistening eyes.

How do you do this to me?

X

PetPetAngel: And so this chapter is done... I'll either have one or two more chapters, then I'm gonna see if I can get in the mood for my Yuugioh fics, and if not I'll start of the sequel that I know Rose has been waiting for. It's 2:22 in the morning and I'm tired, but I couldn't sleep because my dog isn't feeling well and my mom isn't supportive and I have this stupid retarded report that I have to work and then I felt bad for not updating and so here I am.

Rab: That was random.

Johnny: And kinda stupid. "

PetPetAngel: (huffs) Oh well! Signing of with fourteen damn pages from here in NY, goodnight folks.

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We're all Koi-ing in a very Koi-worthy world.