Disclaimer: Nothing but the disturbing sugar-high written plot belongs to me.
"Oh Albus!" a voice moaned from the other side of the door.
"Minerva, baby! Spank me harder!" another, masculine voice groaned.
Harry's eyes widened in alarm and disgust as he backed away slowly from the closed oak door. He gulped, and tried to ignore the feeling of intense nausea that was building up in his stomach.
"Yes, yes, give it to me baby! I'm a cat in heat! Me-ow!" the voices were getting louder.
"Fuck me please!"
Harry yelped and flew down the stairs. He reached the bottom, but smacked headfirst into the forbidding form of Professor Snape.
"Potter," Snape said coldly. "What are you doing running around the castle at this time?"
"It's four in the afternoon, sir." Harry replied, slightly bemused.
"Good." Snape's cold demeanour changed into a leer. "Plenty of time for us to…play."
Harry blinked. "What?"
"Why don't you serve a detention tonight?" Snape asked him seductively, stroking Harry's arm. "Clean out the cobwebs…and my own dark places?"
"WHAT IS WITH ALL THE TEACHERS TODAY?" Harry screamed like the girly girl he is.
"I am attracted to you, Harry." Snape told him matter-of-factly. "Since your voice has broken, you have become very manly. Don't listen to the rumours-"
"About you being gay? Because it would make me very, very happy if you weren't gay!" Harry said brightly.
"Oh, no, Harry, that one is true. No, I was talking about the other rumours that you must ignore. You are just as much of a stud muffin as Ron. I mean, yes, he does have those abs…" Snape drifted off dreamily, before shaking his head. "But you Harry…you…there are no words to describe your wonderfulness!"
"Right! Because I'm not wonderful!" Harry said hopefully. "Stoke his arm! Not mine! Stroke-gah! Snape…I'm warning you…go any lower and I'll hex your balls off and wave them around on a stick. Oh, god, no…wrong word choice…"
Snape smirked. "You fluster me too, Harry. Don't worry."
"Don't call me Harry!" Harry yelled. "And I don't want to be a stud muffin either! Nor any other type of muffin! I AM A COOKIE!"
Snape looked flabbergasted. "All right…Harry."
"Wait…" Harry said thoughtfully. "What flavour muffin?"
"It can be whatever flavour you like, darling."
"Are we still talking about muffins?"
Snape raised an eyebrow. "What do you think?"
Harry decided that now would be a good time to run away, but before he could Snape added, "I like virgins, Harry."
"Lalala, I'm not listening!" Harry sang, pressing his slender hands against his ears.
"I love the sound of your voice, Harry. It's so…" Snape thought for a good adjective. "…Erotic."
"Um…really?" Harry glanced around for an escape route. Where was Dobby when you need him?
"Feel what you do to me," Snape grasped Harry's hand, and brought it to the middle of his robes.
"Oh!" Harry gasped. "That's hard."
The two were interrupted by a loud banging above them, and the plaster on the ceiling cascading down on them.
"Don't worry Harry, I'll protect you!" Snape jumped on Harry's muscular body just as the ceiling gave way, Dumbledore and McGonagall falling down with it. McGonagall was wearing a black lace negligee, which accented her wrinkly breasts. It was hitched up to her stomach, revealing that she was wearing no knickers. Harry gagged, and she quickly pulled it down. Dumbledore was wearing nothing at all. Harry was surprised he didn't find Dumbledore's body offensive at all (the wrinkles he could've done without, but that was about it…). He told himself that this was because he was used to male gentiles, not because of his sexuality, which was-he nodded to himself-completely straight.
Meanwhile, Snape was busy ogling McGonagall, "Look at those tits!" He yelled. "Whoa mamma!"
McGonagall bent over to give him a better view.
"Hey!" Harry said, affronted.
"Sorry, Potter. Turns out you just don't do it for me. Now come here Minerva, you naughty little minx. I think you'd look just fine in my fluffy pink handcuffs."
Dumbledore, penis still firmly erect, jumped up. "Can I watch?"
"Ooh! Me too!" Harry squealed, eyes shining with excitement and lust. He realised he was having his very first erection. Now he could be like all the other seventeen year old boys in the world!
"Hum diggedy!" Snape replied.
"I've always wanted to be a porn star!" McGonagall said, her hard nipples showing through the thin garment she had on.
"Let's go the dungeons!" Snape said cheerily.
They raced off to the location of their next rendezvous, Dumbledore still naked, his penis waggling between his legs.
They opened the heavy door quickly, eager to start their shagging session, but all four of the horny group stopped with a gasp at the dungeons. Snape had put candles all over the room, and he had levitated a large banner saying 'SNAPE'S LURVE CHAMBER' so it hung from the ceiling, which was enchanted so it appeared to be swimming with tiny red and pink hearts.
What had shocked Snape as well, however, was the two bodies writhing together underneath a heart-shaped chandelier.
"Good God!" Snape exclaimed.
The two lovers moaned, oblivious to their horny audience. The boy fondled the girl's breasts gently.
"Shag me Malfoy! Shag me now!" She commanded with a groan.
"Malfoy?" Snape said, flabbergasted.
"HERMIONE?" Harry yelled.
They broke apart with a gasp, looking guilty. Hermione looked around anxiously before saying feebly, "Um…get off me?"
"Yeah, like they're going to believe that." Draco rolled his eyes.
Harry gulped, and tried not to look at certain parts of either of his classmates.
"GET OUT OF MY CHAMBER OF LURVE!" Snape bellowed.
"Why? You and Potter going to get it on?" Draco asked, pulling his trousers up. "'Bout time you got laid, Snape."
"You're on thin ice, Draco," Snape warned. "Godson or not, you deserve a lot of detentions for this."
"Where you can feel me up again?" Draco was now doing up his belt. "No thanks"
Snape mumbled something, which sounded remarkably like "Your father liked it."
"Well, this has been fun," McGonagall said. "But I would like to get some action soon."
Dumbledore smacked her bottom, and she squealed.
Hermione looked horrified at her teachers-aca her idols-antics.
"I want to go now…" she said faintly.
Draco seized her by the arm, "Astronomy Tower?"
"Ok!" Hermione said, perking up.
They walked past the three teachers, and Harry, Hermione muttering about how it was 'love' not 'lurve,' and how she expected better from a fellow academic. They all ignored her, as they were looking eager to start investigating 'Snape's Lurve Chamber.' Harry was particularly interested in what appeared to be a vibrating broomstick that was lurking in the corner. The broomstick was pink, and seemed to be…winking at him. Surely not.
"Potter?" A voice broke through his confused, blinking daze. "Are you coming?"
Harry turned to see his three professors sitting in a heart-shaped hot tub he hadn't noticed before.
"We have lotion!" McGonagall told him.
Harry grinned, and quickly discarded his clothing. He stepped into the tub's bubbling waters, and Snape pounced. He rubbed his hands over Harry's chest, and bent down to lick his nipples. McGonagall was doing something similar to Dumbledore.
"Do we have any ice cubes?" Dumbledore asked conversationally.
"In the ice bucket…by the bed…" Snape mumbled.
"There's a bed?" McGonagall asked happily.
"Professor Snape?" a female voice called timidly from the doorway. "Are you in there?"
Snape froze, and placed a finger to his lips.
"Who is it?" Harry whispered.
"No idea, but they can go to hell" Snape muttered back angrily.
"Professor?" The voice was getting closer. "Are you-ARGH!" Ginny Weasley screamed at the sight she saw before her.
Harry waved timidly at her, "Hey Gin…"
"Harry?" She shrieked. "What the hell are you doing?"
"It's a party!" Dumbledore announced, grinning, waving a bottle of Vodka around. Harry had no idea where it had come from, but he really wanted to find out.
"Harry, are you naked?" Ginny asked.
"Um…maybe…" Harry said slowly.
"Excellent!" Ginny strode forward and jumped in the hot tub fully clothed.
"Harry's mine!" Snape bellowed furiously.
"Oh, yeah?" Ginny raised an eyebrow. "You want him? Come and get him!"
"I'm right next to him!" Snape said, slightly exasperated.
"Oh." Ginny frowned. "Well…so am I!"
Harry snaked an arm around Ginny's waist, before going lower and squeezing the inside of her thigh. He was very glad that the Hogwarts uniform was so old fashioned, and demanded the girls wore skirts. Ginny giggled.
"Harry! There you are!" A familiar voice called out behind them.
Harry and Ginny turned around to see Ron, Hermione and Draco. Draco's fly was undone. Ginny smirked.
"We weren't doing anything!" Harry told Ron.
"Right." Ron rolled his eyes.
"You're not mad?" Ginny asked.
"Why should he be mad?" Snape asked sulkily. "You and Potter are getting it on. Never mind the fact that I'm sitting right here. No one cares about me."
"Ooh, I do darling!" McGonagall called from the bed. Harry couldn't remember her leaving the hot tub. It may have been around the time that Ginny's hand had begun to trail up his leg.
"Anyway," Ron said. "I know it's not your fault. It's you-know-who."
"What?" Harry asked, alarmed.
"It's put a curse on the castle, so we're all horny." Hermione said.
"Oh!" Harry exclaimed, relieved. "So you don't really like Malfoy, then?"
"Well…" Hermione blushed. "Actually, we've been dating a while. The spell just caused us to…um…take our relationship to the next level."
Harry grimaced. "Right."
"How did you find out?" Ginny asked curiously.
"Malfoy accidentally sat on one of the cameras," Ron grinned.
"Only because Hermione threw me on top of it, saying she wanted to 'Ride me like the dirty cowgirl she is'" Draco said defensively.
"Wait…" Harry said slowly. "Cameras?"
"Voldemort's filming us." Hermione explained.
"Free porn." Ron shrugged.
"We must stop him!" Harry said. "Whilst having sex!"
"…What?" Hermione asked.
"Sorry. Spell talking."
"So, what are we going to do?" Ginny asked.
"We have to break the spell," Hermione said. "But…"
"But what?" Harry asked warily.
"The only way to do that is to sleep with the caster of the spell." Hermione told them.
"Voldemort?" Harry said, horrified.
"Good way to get laid, though." Draco mused. Hermione smacked him on the arm.
"Which one of us is going to sleep with him?" Ginny asked, looking nauseous. Clearly the spell only made you turned on by others under the spell, Harry thought to himself.
Harry turned around. The rest of them followed suit. Snape was lounging in the hot tub, his hand in a place that Harry wasn't sure he wanted to know about. Or maybe he did-but that was really not the issue right now. Snape opened an eye and saw them all staring at him.
"No. Way." he said simply.
Harry sighed. "Thought so."
"So I guess it'll be St. Potter to the rescue then?" Draco asked.
Harry glared at him. "Do you want to do it?"
"No thanks," Draco replied. Narrowing his eyes, he glared at Ron. "Quit ogling my girlfriend's breasts, Weaselbee."
"Better that than Dumbledore's dick." Harry muttered.
The group turned to stare at him.
"Right, I have to sleep with Voldemort and that's what you're worried about."
"I don't want you to do this Harry" Ginny told him.
"It's for the good of mankind. Hogwarts will be overrun with STDs and under-age pregnancies if I don't." Harry said nobly.
Draco coughed, and Harry had a feeling he heard the word 'martyr' disguised in there. Hermione seemed to think so to, and she hit him again.
"Where will Voldemort be?" Ron asked.
"My room," Harry told them. "He knows I'll do it. This whole thing has been a plan to get me into bed. I see that now."
"You really are full of yourself." Draco stared at him in wonderment.
"Do you want a blowjob later?" Hermione snapped.
"That depends," he smirked. "Do you want a-"
"Alright!" Ginny cut him off. "We don't want to know!"
"Let's go." Harry said, resigned.
"Oh, and Malfoy?" Ginny smiled sweetly. "Your fly's undone."
They reached the dormitory in what seemed like a very short amount of time. Voldemort, as Harry had thought, was waiting there. He wasn't wearing anything, and his penis had scales on it. The group shuddered at the sight.
"Hello, Harry" Voldemort said, patting the bed.
Harry moved forward slowly.
"Do you want us to watch?" Ron asked.
Harry glared at him.
"No…sorry…spell." Ron said.
"Right." Harry said glumly.
They stared at Harry for a moment, before leaving the room. Harry turned to face Voldemort.
The rest of the group sat outside of the room, staring at the closed door and awaiting Harry's return.
It wasn't long before they heard a yell and Harry walked out of the room, his face ashen.
"Oh, God." Said Ginny. "Was it awful?"
"We didn't do it," Harry said.
Ron sighed happily. "Phew!" He said. "I was worried I actually liked Malfoy then."
Draco raised an eyebrow, "Don't worry, Weasel, I turn everyone on."
"Anyway," Hermione said, "What happened?"
"Well, he made…he made me…give him…"
"A lap dance?" Draco enquired.
"No…" Harry replied.
"Pole dance? Strip tease?"
Harry didn't reply.
"I bit it." Harry said glumly.
Ron burst out laughing, "You bit it?"
Draco winced, "Ouch. Pansy did that to me once."
"Where is Pansy?" Ginny asked. "She's bad enough without a spell, I'd have thought she'd be jumping on you, Malfoy."
"I saw her earlier," Ron informed them. "She was licking Blaise Zabini's neck and muttering about whipped cream."
"Ooh…whipped cream…" Ginny smiled to herself.
"Yeah…" Hermione joined in. "And strawberries."
"On Harry…" Ginny fantasized.
"On Harry," Hermione agreed. "No! Wait! Draco!"
Draco and Harry were staring at them both-Harry in happiness and Draco in indignation.
"What do you say we forget the Voldemort problem for a while, and go and talk to the house elves about some whipped cream?" Harry asked seductively, wrapping his arms around them both.
"Oh, God, Potter the ladies man," Draco groaned. "My worst nightmare!"
"What underwear are you wearing?" Ginny asked, fluttering her eyelashes.
"Yours." Harry told her.
"My thong?" Ginny asked.
"The black one."
"I'm getting the impression you two have seen each others underwear before." Hermione pouted.
"Maybe" Ginny giggled.
Ron moved behind Draco and squeezed his butt. Draco yelped and backed away. "No! No way!" He yelled. "Trouser it, Weasley!"
"You called me Weasley!" Ron grinned. "You really must love me!"
Draco groaned. "Potter! Get in there and fuck Voldemort for fucks sake!"
"You're sexy when you swear" Ron moaned.
"I'm a little busy over here!" Harry said, a small amount of panic in his voice. He was lying on the floor, Hermione straddling his lap and Ginny making him suck her fingers.
"Oh, Potter?" Voldemort sang out from the doorway. "Come here! I've forgiven you for your accident. I was young and inexperienced once too."
"How long have you been there?" Harry mumbled, Ginny's fingers obstructing his tongue and lessening his ability to speak.
"A while," he replied. "Enjoying yourself? It gets worse you know. The longer the spell goes on, the hornier you become. Maybe Millicent Bullstrode will come on to you next."
Harry's eyes widened in horror. "No! Her head is the size of my entire body!"
"Head!" Ron sniggered.
"Voldemort, go away." Hermione ordered him. "I need to talk to these guys in private."
"Well, that seems fair." Voldemort said amicably. "I'll see you later, Harry"
Voldemort winked, and went back inside.
"What's up, Hermione?" Ginny asked, fondling Harry's hair.
"Up!" Ron chuckled.
"You need to get laid, Weasley." Draco said.
"The cure for the curse is to sleep with V-Voldemort, right?" Hermione asked, eyes shining. "And in our horny, sexually frustrated state, we automatically assumed that it meant, um, sex. But what if-"
"It actually meant sleep, literally." Draco finished for her. "Merlin's penis, you're right!"
"Merlin's penis?" Ginny raised an eyebrow.
"How are we going to get Voldemort to go to sleep?" Harry asked.
"Madame Pomfrey will have a sleeping draught." Hermione said.
"Let's go, then!" Harry said. "Ron, stay here, and make sure Voldemort doesn't leave."
Ron nodded in silent confirmation.
The group returned an hour later, all looking distinctly ruffled.
"You had sex, didn't you?" Ron said accusingly.
"Accident," Harry said. "Ginny lost her balance on the stairs and my hands were on her hips and…"
"Then they were in another place." Ginny finished.
"And they were taking so long, Draco and I needed something to do." Hermione enlightened him.
"Did you get the potion?" Ron asked.
"Yeah." Harry said, fishing it out of his pocket. "There should be enough for us both to take some."
"What're you going to tell him it is?" Ginny enquired.
"A potion that gives you loads of stamina. I'll tell him that if I have to do it, I want to do it well."
Harry gave them all a small smile, before knocking on the door and entering the room.
The sleeping draught was a strong one, and it was a good six hours before Harry returned. In those six hours, Draco and Hermione had had sex at least twenty times. Ron had asked Ginny about her thoughts on incest, and she had punched him on the nose.
They were about to give up hope when they suddenly felt something change within them, and Harry came out.
"Did it work? I feel different but…" he asked.
"I think so." Ron said. "I no longer find Draco's hair attractive. I mean, seriously dude, could you put more gel on it?"
"I could try" Draco brushed off the insult casually.
"How's Voldemort?" Hermione asked.
A loud crash sounded in the room behind them.
"He's pretty angry." Harry remarked.
"Want something to eat?" Ginny asked. "I've got some Honeydukes chocolates in my dormitory."
"We're not allowed in there," Ron reminded her.
"I'll bring it down to the common room," Ginny shrugged, adding saucily: "But I might save some for Harry and I later."
"My little sister, everybody" Ron stared at her, disturbed.
"Who you hit on three hours ago, I might add." Ginny said.
"WHAT?" Harry yelled.
"Capslocky rage, Ron, it's the capslocky rage, step away…" Hermione murmured to Ron.
"So, I'm going to get the chocolate!" Ginny interrupted with a cheery smile.
Voldemort continued to throw things next door.
Ginny began to make her way to her dormitory.
"Oh, and Ginny?" Draco called after her, a smile reminiscent of the one she used when they were in the dungeon on his face. "Your thong is sticking out of your pocket."
So…I haven't updated 'Draco Malfoy is evil' in a very long time. I'll try and write a new chapter soon, I promise.
Other than that there's nothing else to say but: REVIEW!