King of Talk Shows!

Here's a talk show fic my friend Steve and I developed in the Playstation chatroom =^_^=;; It's very demented so um… try not to pee your pants. All characters belong to SNK… except for Jerry Springer and that security guard Steve. They belong to themselves.

King of Talk Shows

By Faye, My Funny Valentine and Steve

(Audience cheers as Jerry Springer comes out with his mic and index cards.)

Jerry: "Hello everybody! On today's show, we'll have more shocking revelations!"

Audience: "Ooooh!"

Jerry: "We'll have more drag queens!"

Audience: "Aaaaah!"

Jerry: "And of COURSE…… MORE FIGHTS!"


Jerry: "Our first guest, Miss X, has fought in many tournaments and…(checks his index cards) …likes to kick ass and take names."

(Video screen turns on, there's "Miss X" in her purple girls' school uniform beating Eiji and Billy up)

Billy & Eiji: "Waaaah!" ;_;

"Miss X": (in a rather deep and masculine voice)"SHI-NE!"

(Another scene shows "Miss X" petting a stray cat)

"Miss X": (in that same deep voice) "Here kitty, kitty!"

(Video shows "Miss X" standing there filing her nails)

"Miss X": "I came on Jerry today to tell my boyfriend that I've been keeping a big secret from him. I love you, Jerry!" ("Miss X" blows kisses at the camera.)

Jerry: "Let's bring her out! Come on out Miss X!"

"Miss X": (walks out sassily onto the stage and sits down all prim and proper. The audience cheers… except for a few select people who are still in shock from watching the video.) "Hi Jerry!" (waves)

Jerry: "Miss X… you're here today to tell your boyfriend something, is that correct?"

"Miss X": "Yes it is Jerry."

Jerry: "OK! Let's bring out Miss X's boyfriend, Kusanagi Kyo!"

Kyo: (walks out onto the stage where he's greeted by Io—err MISS X… with a kiss. The two sit down, holding hands) "Hi Jerry!" (Looks at "Miss X".) "Hi baby."

"Miss X": (giggles) "Hi Kyo-chan!"

Jerry: "Now Kyo… do you know why you're here today?"

Kyo: (shrugs)

Jerry: "Well, your girlfriend, Miss X, has something she'd like to tell you."

Kyo: (turns in his seat to face "Miss X") "What is it baby?"

"Miss X": "I'm really a man!"

(Audience gasps)

Kyo: (looks unphased) "…And?"

"Miss X": (rips her dress off to reveal Iori's clothes underneath) "I'm also Yagami Iori! Your bitter rival!"

Kyo: "…And?"

Iori: (Still has make-up on his face) "What do you mean 'and?'!? This wasn't shocking enough for you!?"

Kyo: "Well… no. Not really. The hair gave you away."

Iori: (sits down, fluffing his hair) "Oh."

Kyo: (grabs his hand) "You're so silly."

Iori: "Kyo, I have to tell you something else, too."

Kyo: "What is it?"

Iori: "I have been cheating on you…"

Kyo: "WHAT!?"

Jerry: "Let's bring him out!"

(Benimaru prances out onto the stage, booed by the audience.)

Benimaru: (glomps Iori) "I love you!" (The two share a rather messy kiss)

Kyo: (snatches his hand away from Iori and dives at Benimaru) "I can't believe it! With this little bitch?!"

Benimaru: (snaps)"I am more man then you will ever be, Kyo!"

Kyo: (gets on his knees in front of Iori) "Iori, baby, I love you!"

Iori: (sighs)"You just are not there for me like Beni-chan is. And Beni-chan has a bigger dick and is a lot better in bed."


Benimaru: (points to Iori) "Sankyuu!"

Benimaru: (settles down finally and grabs Iori's hand) "Iori baby, I got something to tell you."

Iori: "What is it, muffin?"

Benimaru: "For the last 4 months I been cheating on you."

Iori: (gasps and bitch-slaps Benimaru)

Jerry: "Let's bring out Benimaru's lover!"

Kyo: "It went on for 4 months!?"

Shingo: (walks out onto stage trying to act tough) "Yea now what bitch? I got your man!"

Iori: "You little bitch!" (goes 'Riot Of The Blood' and tries to kill Shingo, but Steve gets in the way)


Iori: "I can't believe you did this to me, Beni-chan!"

Benimaru: "Well, one man is not enough for big Beni…" (turns around and points at Iori) "DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Jerry: "We will be right back!"


(Chris and Shermie are sitting on the front porch of a beachfront house, sipping on mixed drinks.)

Chris: "Um… Shermie?"

Shermie: "Yes?"

Chris: "Have you ever gotten that… not-so-fresh feeling?"

Shermie: "…Chris, you're a boy."

Chris: "I know that! I was just asking you if YOU got that not-so-fresh feeling, that's all!… So have you?"

Shermie: "That is NONE of your business!"

Yashiro: (holds up a box of Summer's End, whispering from the window behind Shermie) "Summer's End… for that not-so-fresh feeling. Available in fine drugstores everywhere."


Jerry: "And we're back! Where we last left off, Iori confessed to his lover that he was actually a man, then told him that he was also cheating on him. As it turns out, the man Iori was cheating on Kyo with was cheating on HIM as well. Benimaru, how do you feel about all this?"

Benimaru: "I just like to spread myself around. I love everyone.. even that bitch Kyo."

Kyo: (about to get out of his seat) "I'll show YOU a bitch!"

Iori: "Kyo, don't."

Kyo: (all teary-eyed) "You.. you mean you don't want me to get hurt? Oh Iori!" (glomps his ex-boyfriend)

Iori: "No, I just didn't want you to wreck Beni-chan's face.. but now that I think about it, you getting hurt would be kinda bad too.." (takes advantage of Kyo glomping onto him and grabs his ass)

Jerry: "Err.. right. So, any questions from the audience?"

Billy: (stands up) "HEY HEY HEY! Over here, Jerry!"

Jerry: (walks over) "Who do you have a question for?"

Billy: (points to Shingo) "That WHORE on the end!"

Shingo: (flips Billy off) "You're just jealous because you can't get a piece of ass as nice as Benimaru's!"

Billy: "Yes I can!" (looks down at the person sitting next to him) "Stand up, honey!"

Joe: (stands up) "Can't get a nice piece of ass, huh!?" (moons entire audience) "HOW'S THAT for a piece of ass!?"

Benimaru: "I'm in love! Joe! Gimme your number!"

Joe: "No way! I'm a one man man!"

Andy: (barges in) "One man man, huh? THEN WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

Mai: (all shocked) "ANDYYYYYYYYYYYY what are you talking about!?"

Andy: "Shut up, you annoying whore!"

Mai: (cries into King's shirt)

King: "SCORE!" =D

Billy: "Joe… you've been cheating on me!?"

Joe: "No! Whatever happened between me and Andy is in the past!"

Andy: "Yeah as in the PAST WEEK!"

Billy: (runs out of the studio crying)

Joe: "NOW lookit what you did!"

Andy: "Sorry… so wanna go to my hotel room after the show?"

Joe: "Hell yeah!"

Jerry: "Err.. we'll be right back."


Announcer: "Hey kids! DO you like goddesses!?"

Kensou: "DO I EVER!"

Announcer: "Do you like nikuman?!'

Kensou: (nods enthusiastically)

Announcer: "Wouldn't you like to somehow combine the two!?"


Announcer: "Well, here's how! Introducing the new COOK ME ATHENA!"

Kensou: (practically has an orgasm)

Announcer: "Yes! COOK ME ATHENA is none other than the Goddess herself… and look!"

(Athena gets chopped in half)

Announcer: "She's filled with bean jam!"

Kensou: (runs over to Athena's dead body and begin to chow down)

Announcer: "Act now because supplies are VERY limited!"

Kensou: (looks at camera with his face covered in bean jam) "It's all I could EVER ask for!"


Jerry: (mutters to himself) "The commercials are almost as bad as the damn show itself… What? We're back?" (clears his throat) "Well, we're back! Now it's time for my Final Thought. If you know damn well that your boyfriend is you arch-nemesis in disguise… break up with him before things get ugly…"

(camera pans over to show Iori and Kyo making out)

Jerry: "Or not." -_-;; "Take care of yourselves… and your boyfriend's ex-lovers. Goodnight."


Remember to review! …Even if it's a flame, I don't care. Even I need a good laugh now and then. =^_^=