Disclaimer: Amazing. Just a simple word can exonerate you from the crime of copyright infringement. Neither Fruits Basket or its characters belong to me, but I sincerely apologize to their creator, Natsuki Takaya, for messing around with them for my own devious means.

Warning: Really just incessant stupidity. Don't take any of it seriously.

Chapter 1

"Let me get this straight," Isuzu said slowly and incredulously, or as slowly and incredulously one could get with a cranky and irritable slur in her tone, "you called us all here, at four in the morning, dragged us six or more miles out here in our nightclothes, and all just so you could write a stupid fanfic?"

"Ah, but no ordinary fanfiction, Rin," Shigure replied gleefully. He surveyed the groggy, sleep-deprived group over his spectacles and cleared his throat dramatically.

"I," he announced in a thunderous tone, "am going to write the BEST, the most BRILLIANT, the most ROMANTIC, the most RIVETING, the most ANGSTY, and overall, the most cheesy, Fruits Basket fanfiction ever to have its own little slot on the entirety of the Internet!" He paused diminishingly for effect and looked around, eagerly anticipating their reaction.

Hiro sneezed.

"That's great, Shigure," Hatori interrupted dryly, "but why did you have to call us here for?"

The others murmured something like assent. Akito vaguely wondered why he was tied up and stuffed into a closet.

"Well," Shigure began, "I can't write a great fanfiction without my humble and talented crew. That would be you guys," he added, watching as Yuki semi-consciously drooled on Haru's shoulder. "And however hard it may be to believe, a great writer such as myself can get writer's block every once in a blue moon. I need inspiration! Excitement! Romance! Comedy! Smut! Dra—"

"What was that last one?" Kyo asked suspiciously.

"Never mind that. The point is, the best fanfiction are those that stay true to the characters, right? So logically, with the actual characters, we could have the best Furuba fanfic on Earth! It's ingenious!"

"If it's the opposite of 'genius,' I agree," muttered Isuzu.

"Well, I think it's a wonderful idea, Gure-san," Ayame declared forthwith, extending an hand towards the conveniently placed limelight. --- has no idea what fanfiction is, much less how to write one

"Oh, Aya, I knew that you of all people would support me in my edict..."

"Doesn't anyone else find this a little strange?" Arisa asked, raising a thinned-out eyebrow. "A fanfiction…about us…it wouldn't exactly be fiction, if you get my drift…"

"Anything's possible in fanfiction," Shigure dismissed. "Every day another Kyo-character jumps into bed with another Tohru-kun. It's perfectly natural."


"Now, let's begin, shall we?" he beamed. "Remember, here it's que sara sara…any suggestions are perfectly welcome! Anyone? Anyone at all?"

"I have one," Ritsu said timidly.

"Oh, no, not you, Ricchan. You're practically barred out from the fanfiction world as it is. Anyone else?" Shigure asked as Ritsu began to break down into hysterical sobs.

"I KNOW! I KNOW!" Kagura cried, jumping up and down in excitement and clasping her hands together. "How about this: we introduce a new and vaguely mysterious character, who somehow is connected to the Sohma curse, and they become friends with us and live with you guys and Tohru-chan! Oh, and if she's a girl, Yun-chan or Kyo-kun could fall in love with her too, creating dramatic tension! She could even be the answer to the curse! It's perfectly original!

"…What?" Kagura blinked as over a dozen pairs of eyes turned around to stare at her.

End Chapter One

A/N: Well, I did warn you.

If you even mention the Akito spoiler to me, I will not hesitate to turn and whack you with a rubber mallet. Once technology advances far enough for me to spring out of your computer screen to do so. The reason I excluded it is because this is supposed to be open to everyone to read, not just for the spoilery smarty-pants out there. (That would include me, I know.)

And if there's a fic similar to this one somewhere out there, I'm sorry. I really didn't try to steal anyone else's idea.

Next chapter is in progress. This is Flag, signing out!