AN: Hey everyone! It's been awhile. I hadn't realized just how much I missed writing this story. University now is driving me crazy, absolutely no time for myself! I reread my story recently and realized how much I missed it! There are obviously many mistakes and I think I plan on rewriting the entire thing...I posted chapter 18 FINALLY but I think that before I post a new one, I will rewrite the others. Let me know what you guys think! I find it has been a few years since I've last read this story so I realized a bunch of mistakes and I am actually kind of embarrassed. Good idea? Or bad idea? I love all you guys so much for being so supportive. Hope you enjoy it. It is quite a bit different from my other chapters but I hope you like it anyway.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, it all belongs to J.K Rowling. The Characters are also hers except for Alexis.
Special thank you to all the readers who haven't given up on this story. This is for you!
Bella sighed contentedly. She couldn't believe her luck. Sirius was being so amazing with her. She snuggled closer to him and buried her head in his neck. They still hadn't talked but she was okay with that for now. There was so much she wanted to tell him, so much she wanted him to understand, but if he would rather talk the next day then she had to accept that. She would do anything for him, she needed him in her life.
His hand was stroking her hair absentmindedly and she wanted so badly to ask him what he was thinking. She wanted to know if they were okay, but she bit her tongue. She was in no position to be making demands...she was just so happy that he decided to take her back. She pulled away from his grasp and leaned on her elbow so she could get a better look at him.
He was so gorgeous. And he was all hers. Her heart swelled with pride as she longingly took in his dark wavy hair, that pointed nose and those breathtaking full lips. She couldn't believe just how lucky she was to find such a handsome guy that turned out to be the nicest, most amazing person she had ever met. He must have sensed her staring at him because he opened one eye and smiled at her. She smiled back and just because she couldn't help herself, she leaned forward to kiss him.
She saw the look of surprise on his face and suddenly became really dizzy as he pulled away from her.
"No, not now Bella ok?"
Her heart sank. He didn't want to kiss her. That could only mean that he was still upset at her and hadn't forgiven her...were they still broken up?
She thought that they were okay, that he had accepted her again. Why the hell did he invite her in his room in the first place if he was still angry with her? Why hold her in his arms for the past hour and pretend like everything was okay, just to push her away when she shows him affection?
She suddenly felt very sick. Things were not okay with him. He was still angry at her, they were still broken up...
"Why not?" she managed to croak out. "Because you're still upset or...?"
She saw him sigh and it took all her power to not start bawling her eyes out in front of him. She so desperately wanted him to tell her that he wasn't upset at her, that he was just really tired and wanted to hold her...anything that would soothe this deep ache she suddenly felt building up in the pit of her stomach.
"It's just I need time to think...I'm not sure what I want anymore. I don't want to be a rebound off of my friend..."
"But you're not! You're so much more to me than that!" she desperately tried to explain while jumping up off the bed.
He closed his eyes and shook his head silently.
"I'm not sure I can believe that...After the way you acted tonight, it seemed so obvious that you're not over Remus."
"Sirius, please listen to me! Remus doesn't mean anything to me anymore...you mean everything to me!"
He stayed quiet and she felt like screaming. She wasn't getting through to him. He didn't believe her. A sense of helplessness suddenly washed over her and she couldn't help the tears from falling freely down her cheeks. She couldn't believe this was happening. Sirius looked at her with guilt, but made no effort to try and console her as he would have normally done. That made things even worse.
"Why even invite me into your room in the first place if you haven't forgiven me? Why hold me in your arms only to tell me that you're not sure how you feel anymore?" she whispered. "That is beyond cruel..."
He cringed at that and he looked away from her. She stood in front of him waiting for an answer, waiting for him to say anything to her, but he just stayed silent.
"What, you're just going to start ignoring me now?" she demanded.
"No, damnit it's not like that! I just don't know what to tell you Bella. I invited you in here because you were crying and you were waiting for me outside my room, but it doesn't mean that I'm over what happened. You kissed me and I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want to send you off because you looked so sad...I do realized that I may have given you the wrong idea, but I haven't forgiven you." he answered cautiously.
He reached out for her, but she sprang backwards.
"Don't touch me!" she almost yelled.
He looked very tired.
"I didn't want to talk about this tonight, I just wanted time to think and hold you in my arms. I still don't know what to do...please give me time."
Bella almost screamed right there. Please give me time...please give me some space to think...Those words almost always culminated in a breakup. She was not stupid, she knew exactly where this was going.
"What is there to think about? You obviously don't trust me enough to believe me when I say it's you I want, you idiot, not Remus!"
"Well what I am supposed to believe. You can say that all you want Bella, I saw the way you were staring at him tonight..."
"You saw wrong!" she desperately cried.
She just wanted things to go back to the way they were. Why couldn't he just believe her? He was basically telling her there was nothing she could do to convince him. She angrily wiped the tears away from her face, but they kept falling. She felt so stupid. How could she think they would be ok? She was so naive...
She looked up at Sirius through her tears and saw that he didn't look very sad which made it all the harder.
"Just admit that you still have feelings for Remus...at least if you admit it, we could maybe work through this. I feel like you're in denial."
"It's not true! Why are you making such a big deal out of this? It's nothing..."
That was when she saw his expression change. He suddenly tensed up and she saw his eyes go cold. She shivered, she had never seen him look so detached before.
"It's not nothing to me. I will NOT be taken for an idiot. I may not be the smartest tool in the shed Bella, but don't you dare play me for a fool! I'm giving you a chance to be honest with me, to tell me how you really feel about Remus, and if you're just going to stand there and lie through your teeth like this, I don't want anything to do with you anymore." he spat out.
She felt the blood drain from her face. He couldn't possibly mean that. He couldn't possibly throw away their whole relationship because of something so stupid. She had never seen him so angry before. She had never seen this side to Sirius before. She just wanted to go back to the way things were before.
"Sirius, I am being honest with you!" she answered in anguish.
She felt like he was slipping through her fingers like sand, she felt like she was losing him. She stepped forward and tried to touch him, but he stepped back as though she had burned him.
She had never felt so desperate and frustrated in her entire life. Here was this amazing guy right in front of her whom she loved with all her heart, who was breaking up with her because he believed she loved another.
"I can't believe you're willing to throw away our relationship because of this stupid theory of yours!"
He merely shrugged. Bella couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe how detached and unaffected he looked throughout it all. He just broke up with her and here she was crying like an idiot, while he just stood there staring at her. She felt beyond dumb. Was this the same guy she went out with? What happened to the guy that was willing to do anything to make her happy? Was that all just an act to get inside her pants?
She suddenly felt very faint.
"If you really cared for me, you would believe me Sirius. You wouldn't be doing this to me right now. I never lied to you. I loved you, but if you're willing to throw away our relationship over something so inane, so unfounded , then you are not the guy I fell in love with."
He just stood there, his blank expression eating away at her heart. She took a deep breath, looked him in the eye and whispered: "I knew you would end up doing this to me."
With those few words, she turned on her heels and walked out of his room. She closed the door behind and not once looked back as she made her way to her room. She heard people cheering downstairs, a few girls yelling. It sounded like two idiots were fighting. She didn't care. All she could think about was how Sirius didn't even try to stop her from leaving. Didn't even try to make things better. She had done all she could, she tried to convince him, but he was being so stubborn.
He didn't even seem to care. She guessed that he didn't love her nearly as much as she loved him. The thought of being away from him, of him being out of her life was killing her on the inside. She couldn't contain her tears in front of him, and there he was, just standing there looking so calm throughout it all. Why was he so cold with her? She thought he cared for her.
She crumpled onto her bed and felt all energy drain out of her. She curled up in a ball and cried, not even bothering to wipe the tears from her face. She felt sick, faint and desolate. She waited to see if maybe he would come by her room searching for her, say he was sorry and take her back. She was desperately waiting and praying he would just come knock on her door and give her some indication that he still cared for her. But the more she waited, the clearer it became that she and Sirius were done for good.
"Stop it please! James! Remus! STOP"
Lily was panicking. Everyone around her just seemed to like what was happening. Everyone was either cheering, or screaming or laughing at what was going on. Lily felt ill. She absolutely hated violence and hated seeing people get hurt. She felt so helpless. She wasn't getting through to any of them.
She saw Remus land a punch on James and her heart sank. The blood was now dripping from his nose and he looked winded, but that didn't stop him. He sprang towards Remus, but Remus had much faster reflexes than James. He was able to move to the side fairly quickly and headlock James.
"She doesn't give a shit about you anymore James, just leave her alone already, you're embarrassing yourself!" Remus laughed.
"If you weren't drunk right now, I would fucking kill you" James spat through clenched teeth.
"Oh, is that right? Well then go ahead and try."
James then brought his head back and smashed it against Remus' face. This one groaned and let go of James who then tackled Remus on the floor and held him there.
"I'm stronger than you Moony."
That was when Alexis decided to jump onto James' back and try to pull him off Remus.
"Get off of him you jerk!" she yelled at James.
James, who was momentarily stunned lost focus and didn't see the right hook that Remus launched in his direction. James got hit square in the jaw and stumbled back. He tried to get up, but he lost his balance and staggered.
That was when Lily jumped in and tried to stop Remus, but Alexis grabbed her arm and stopped her.
"I don't think so! James deserves a beating for attacking Remus like that."
"You have NO IDEA what's going on Alexis, get out of my way now."
She saw Remus hit James again, but this time he landed one on his nose. Lily could almost hear his bones break and her heart clenched.
"NO! STOP! PLEASE REMUS"
But he didn't stop. There was so much blood, so much violence, Lily couldn't handle it anymore. James was getting a beating and it was all her fault. She started crying and helplessly started screaming at Remus for him to stop. She didn't want James to get hurt. This was all her fault!
She struggled against Alexis, but Alexis was too strong. She couldn't do anything but stare at James getting pummeled by Remus.
"Alexis PLEASE, I need to get to James. He got hurt enough, please! Someone help him! WHY ARE YOU ALL JUST STANDING THERE?" she yelled at the crowd. She couldn't believe everyone was just standing there watching the whole scene, not wanting to help out one bit.
They were all so disgusting, she couldn't believe how incredibly selfish they all were! Someone was actually getting hurt and they all had the chance to stop this, but they chose not to. What was so entertaining about watching two boys beat each other? She felt sick to her stomach knowing people enjoyed watching this.
James was getting hurt and she couldn't do anything to save him. She felt like she did that night her parents got murdered. She couldn't do anything to save them, just like she couldn't do anything to save James. That feeling of dread and helplessness settled deep in her bones and she suddenly felt frozen to the ground. James just kept on getting pounded, and she was so far from him. It was torture watching him get hurt and not being able to do anything. It was eating away at her insides. She felt like screaming, crying and punching a hole through the wall all at the same time. She felt so frustrated and useless.
No! She couldn't let this happen again. She didn't want to hurt Alexis, but if the girl was just going to let James get hurt like this, then she didn't have a choice. She pulled back her elbow hard into Alexis' side who groaned and stumbled back. Lily, now free from her grasp, rushed over to James and sprawled herself on top of him.
She looked up at Remus through her tears and whispered "That's enough, please! No more violence...I can't take it. He's had enough."
James grunted and tried to push her off of him, but she stayed right where she was. Remus looked down at her, and she saw realization hit him like a slap in the face. He stumbled backwards, looked at his own hands and saw all the blood on them and suddenly turned around and heaved. Alexis was with him in an instant trying to comfort him.
"Get off me," James grunted to her. "I need to get to him."
"What for? So I could watch you get pummeled again? Fat chance!" she snapped. "We need to get you to the medical wing, you look like such a mess."
"No, not the medical wing, I don't want to have to explain myself." he pulled her closer and whispered in her ear, "I don't want Moony to get in trouble..."
Lily's heart swelled. Even though he just got beat really bad, he could never betray a friend. Even if he was very upset at him, he would never tell on Remus. He was such a good friend, he was just an asshole when it came to her. He didn't love her and he said he never would. She felt tears well in her eyes at the thought.
"You think I look like a mess? Evans your makeup is leaking all over your face."
"Well my makeup wouldn't be leaking all over my face if you hadn't been so stupid to start a fight you couldn't win," Lily snapped.
She couldn't believe he had the nerve to insult her when he was the one who was on the floor beaten and battered.
"He caught me by surprise!" James indignantly barked. "I had him before that crazy bitch jumped me..."
"Whatever James," Lily rolled her eyes at him "Are you hurting anywhere?"
"My nose, it's broken. But that's okay, it's happened to me before. I just need to snap it back in place."
"Oh god, that's disgusting. What were you thinking going into a fight like that? What the hell were you trying to accomplish?"
"If you don't mind, I would rather have this conversation after I've fixed my nose. I'm going upstairs, are you going to come with me or not?"
Lily hesitated. She didn't want to be with James alone, but she was sure he would need her help. It hurt her so much to be around him. She kept thinking back to how things used to be between them and she missed him. There were some times where he was a jerk, but there were also some times where he was genuine with her. He laughed around her and made her smile. She felt like she got to know the real James. She wanted to be with him, but she knew he didn't want the same thing. He just wanted to have sex with her.
He must have sensed her hesitation because he grabbed her hand.
"I need you to help me clean up," he continued tersely.
He didn't even ask for her help, he demanded it. He was always like that. Always demanding things, never asking nicely. That was James. But deep down she knew that what he actually meant was " I really want you to come upstairs with me". She knew the way he worked by now.
She hadn't talked to him in days before tonight. She was just learning how to get over him, did she really want to ruin all her progress by following him upstairs? If she said no, she knew she would lose him forever, but if she said yes, she could have some time alone with him and she could talk to him. Ask him all the questions she's always wanted him to answer.
She was not the same person she was when she started seeing James. She still loved him, of course, but she was starting to learn how to love herself as well. She felt stronger. He could never hurt her again as much as he already has.
Which was why she nodded and helped him to his feet.
Her heart was hammering in her chest as they slowly made their way upstairs. Lily looked back and noticed Remus looking up at her ashamed. She saw him mouth that he was so sorry to her, but she just turned away. She would handle Remus another time. For now, only the boy in front of her was on her mind.
She really wanted to talk to him, she needed to know what he meant when he told her that he was jealous. Was he serious? Or was he just playing with her again? Just the thought of James being jealous of her and Remus dancing together was ridiculous and completely unexpected but he started a fight because of her. That had to mean something right?
She needed to understand the strange way in which he was acting. Starting a fight with his best friend because he said that Lily didn't give a shit about him anymore was really odd. Was it his pride that he was defending or did he actually care about her? She had no idea and she had no idea how to approach this situation with James.
She was was so enraptured in her own thoughts that she didn't realize when they entered his room. She only noticed that Sirius was fast asleep in his bed looking completely at peace. Lily couldn't help but think that maybe he had a good night with Arabella. Unlike hers...
James pulled the curtains around Sirius' bed to give him peace and rushed into the bathroom to fix his nose. She followed behind him and saw him take out his wand and mutter a spell that started to work on his nose.
"Fuck," he moaned as the bones started to replace themselves. She saw him cringe and suddenly wanted to take his pain away. She felt like it was all her fault.
She took a wet towel that she found hanging in the bathroom and doused it with cold water. She then turned James' face towards her and started to wipe the blood off his face.
"You are going to have so many bruises in the morning..." she whispered.
With all the blood wiped from his face, she was secretly relieved when she saw that his wounds weren't nearly as bad as she thought they were. He had one cut above the eyebrow which was bleeding profusely before she put a healing spell on it, and a cut on his lip as well. He had the beginnings of a black eye so she took care of that too, all the while feeling him staring at her intently.
She felt herself blush under his intense gaze and she suddenly felt really self conscious. She was acutely aware that her makeup had leaked around her eyes and that she looked like a raccoon. A really ugly one at that. He probably thought she looked so ugly at the moment. Well too bad, she thought, it's not like he looked any better with his swollen lip and his forming bruises. Who was she kidding? James was always beautiful even at his worst.
She uttered another healing spell to fix his lip and then she sat back and admired her work. He definitely looked a lot better than he had when they first walked up here. It showed that he got into a fist-fight, but it didn't look so serious anymore. He was so gorgeous. Even though he was bruised and battered, he was still the most stunning person she had ever seen.
His hair was unkempt as usual and she just felt like running her fingers through it. He was biting his lip to see if it still hurt and her eyes stayed glued to his mouth. His lips were so full and she felt the intense need to kiss him. She remembered what it was like to kiss James and she just yearned to kiss him so bad she could barely breathe. He caught her staring and gave her a little smirk. She immediately snapped out of it.
"All done," she whispered putting her wand back in her pocket and blushing tremendously. She felt like her face was on fire.
"Thanks," James answered and reached behind him to grab another cloth that was dangling on the hanger. She saw him wet the cloth and then take a few steps towards her.
Her heart was hammering in her chest, what was he going to do? When he got in front of her, he tilted her chin up with one hand and with the other one, started to wipe away her leaking makeup.
"This stuff is disgusting, you look like a slut."
She inwardly smiled, she could always expect James to complete a nice gesture with a snarky remark.
"So you've already told me," she answered slightly irritated that he kept saying she looked like a slut even though he knew she was the furthest thing from one.
"It's no wonder Remus was all over you. Look how short your skirt is, if you bend over I'm sure I would probably see those granny panties you're so keen on wearing all the time."
"It is none of your business what kind of underwear I am wearing, or how short my skirt is. You have no right to be criticizing me right now." she answered breathless. She meant for it to come out more snappy, but he was being so gentle with her that her voice betrayed her. The hand that was tilting her chin up wound its way into her hair at the back of her head and held her in place while he continued his ministrations. She shivered from being so close to him. She missed this so much.
He didn't say anything for awhile and she was wondering if she had actually upset him when suddenly he asked her,
"Are you dating Remus?"
"Like I said, it's none of your business."
She felt him grip her hair tighter and it was starting to pull at her a little bit. It was beginning to hurt her.
"Damn it, just answer me! Yes or no, its not rocket science.", he angrily replied.
She took his hand and pulled the cloth away from her face so she could see him. He didn't look particularly angry or upset, but she knew James. She could sense it when he was angry or frustrated. He was trying to hide it, but she knew.
"No," she calmly replied "I am not dating Remus, I never did."
He continued to clean her gently, and the hand at the back of her head started to massage her scalp gently. It felt so good.
"Why did you attack Remus?" she suddenly asked.
"Why did you jump in to save me?" he replied evenly. "And why did you agree to come upstairs with me?"
"Because you were hurt and asked me to...Why did you attack Remus?"
She felt James shrug. "He annoyed me. Walking around as if he owned you and trying so hard to get with you. It was pathetic."
"He was not! He was just being friendly."
"He was grinding with you." James barked, "What kind of a girl dances with her 'friend' like that anyway? It looked like you were having sex on the dance floor."
"Don't give me that! I am allowed to do whatever I want with whoever I want. You made that crystal clear that night you had sex with Trixie! You don't own me."
She felt James shrug again.
"You were jealous," Lily stated triumphantly
He suddenly let go of her and dropped the cloth in the bin in the corner of the bathroom. She stole a glance at herself in the mirror and saw that he had completely rid her face of all the makeup.
He caught her staring at herself and walked up behind her facing the mirror with her.
"You're a lot prettier without all that stuff on your face. It doesn't suit you,"
"Thanks," she said sarcastically.
She half expected him to make a move for her, but he didn't touch her. She wanted him to touch her. She felt like she was dying of anticipation, for once that she needed him to kiss her, he wasn't doing anything. She was started to get frustrated. Maybe this was a good thing...maybe if she could just walk out of his room without anything happening it would be a lot easier for her to finally move on.
She felt like her heart would come right out of her chest. Was she not desirable to him anymore? Why did she want him to make a move on her so bad? Wasn't she over him already?
"Okay...well I guess I should head back to my room now..."
She started to walk towards the door and she was surprised when he didn't try to grab at her or manhandle her like he always used to.
She opened the door to his room and turned back to face James.
"Please don't start stupid fights for stupid reasons anymore. It's not so much fun for the person who has to clean it all up afterwards..."
"It wasn't all that bad, don't kid yourself. You were like putty in my hands,"
She opened her mouth to reply an indignant retort when she saw him smile down at her. Whatever she was about to say got caught in her throat as she stared up at him. He was so beautiful. She wanted him to scoop her up in his arms and hold her like he used to, kiss her like he used to. She missed him so much. She still loved him so much. She needed to get out of there before she got pulled in deeper.
"Right, well...bye I guess..."
She started to turn away when suddenly he gently placed his hand on her shoulder.
James had no idea what he wanted to tell her. he just knew that he didn't want her to leave. He wanted her to stay with him. He couldn't not talk to her, not see her. Damn it! He hated this feeling. He hated the fact that he needed her. He felt so desperate and not unlike him. The person he had made fun of his entire life. The one person James never wanted to end up like. He felt so pathetic but he couldn't help it. This was pure torture.
The moment he saw her tonight, he was angry. She looked too provocative, she was too innocent to be wearing such revealing clothes and makeup. And then the thought crossed his mind that maybe she wasn't so innocent anymore and that maybe Remus had taken that from her. They had been inseparable as of late. It annoyed James to death. The moment that thought crossed his mind, he couldn't think straight anymore. He just wanted to kill Remus.
No one was allowed to take Lily's innocence. He was the one who was supposed to do that. He was the one she was supposed to love.
"Just stay for a little while longer, there's no rush for you to leave just yet."
She looked at him warily and to his surprise she nodded. He wondered what she was thinking. If she was going to spew the shit she said the other day about being friends, he would kick her out. He didn't want to be just friends. He couldn't. But he didn't want a relationship either. He had no idea what he wanted, all he knew was that he wanted her in his life. He just didn't know how yet.
He held out his hand to her as he led her to his bed. He sat on one end and she sat on the other. He could sense her discomfort at sitting on his bed like this. It made things very intimate, even he could feel the tension in the air. He didn't want to act on any of it though, she made it pretty clear that she was over him. He didn't know if she still had feelings for him. He knew she wanted him, he could tell just by the way she was fidgeting around and blushing, but he wasn't sure if she still loved him. He was dying to find out. He wanted to know exactly what he meant for her. Was she like all the other girls who just wanted him for sex, or did she actually care for him for a change?
"I'm not going to jump you. You can stop being so nervous now."
Lily blushed even darker than she was before and he couldn't help but find it amusingly endearing. He used to hate her blushing. What the hell was wrong with him?
He lied down on his bed and she stayed put where she was at his feet.
"Do you still love me?" he asked bluntly.
He heard her offended gasp and rushed to explain.
"Look, I just want to know if you were for real or not. I'm not doing this to embarrass you, I just want to know."
He could almost hear her internal debate. She stayed quiet for what seemed like an eternity until she finally nodded.
"Yeah...I still do. Stupid right? Are you going to kick me out now? Or maybe walk out on me again?"
He shook his head. His throat suddenly felt really dry.
"It doesn't matter to me anymore anyway. I was just curious." he lied.
She laughed, but her smile didn't reach her eyes.
"Of course you wouldn't care. You never have, have you?" She asked "I never meant anything to you. I was stupid enough to believe that you could actually love me one day, can you believe it?"
James scoffed at this "I don't fall in love. I wouldn't know the first thing about it."
"Since we're being honest with each-other, can you please tell me what I meant to you then? Was I just another random girl you were out to fuck?" she snapped.
James took his time trying to figure out how to answer that question. He didn't know what to tell her. He was done playing games with her. Things got way too complicated. They were both in way too deep. Why not just put everything out in the open and then let the chips fall where they may? Why not, for once, stop calculating his every actions, and just be honest with her? She deserved it.
"I meant it when I said I could never love you Lily. You're not pretty like the other girls I've dated, you're not confident, you have no idea what you're doing sometimes. You're not the smartest person I've ever met. You're lazy and those stupid freckles on your face drive me crazy,"
He shook his head and continued,
"You say you love me but you have no idea of who I really am. I can't be a faithful boyfriend to you or anyone. I don't want to be. You saw that and yet, you tell me now that you still love me. I just don't get it. Yet, for some reason, even after knowing that you are the completely wrong kind of girl for me, you're the only one that I could spend more than a few hours with and not be completely annoyed. That's about all I know...and I hate seeing you with anyone else..."
"How nice...I do appreciate how honest you're being with me now, but I can't help but feel like you have no right to be jealous when you see me with other guys. You're the one who went and slept with someone else...how do you think that made me feel? I had just opened myself up to you completely and that was the response I got."
"But that didn't mean anything to me." he defended. "You said you loved me and you wanted to lose your virginity to me. It was too much. We were on different pages. I had no idea you felt so strongly about me so soon. I needed to keep my distance."
"Keep your distance? Why did you invite me up here then?"
"I wanted to talk to you and clear some stuff up"
She rose up off the bed in a hurry.
"You are such an asshole James, just leave me alone from now on. I can't take this anymore. You wanted to know if I still loved you...why? So you could pet your ego? You are such a jerk."
He rose up off the bed as well and held her arm so she wouldn't turn away from him.
"I know I am, which is why you shouldn't feel this way about me. What we had was okay...and then you had to go and fuck it up by saying something stupid like that! God, you barely know me! You can't possibly 'love' me already."
"I know how I feel and I can't help it! You think I want to feel this way? Trust me, I don't!"
They both stayed quiet at that. He didn't know what to say to her anymore. He was still loosely holding onto her arm and couldn't help but notice how much stronger she seemed to be. He wasn't used to her answering back like this. It threw him off guard a little bit, but he wasn't surprised. He always knew she had it in her.
"You've changed," James said suddenly.
She nodded and he noticed her stare down at the spot on her arm that he was slowly tracing circles on with him thumb. She didn't try to pull away.
"I was getting tired of people walking all over me and taking me for an idiot. I'm a lot happier now..."
Was she insinuating that she was happier now that he was out of his life? He wasn't sure. He knew she didn't mean it. She couldn't possibly mean that. She said she loved him earlier...How could you love someone but at the same time want them out of your life? It made no sense to him. But then again, what the hell did he know about love?
"I can't say I'm sorry for what I did...I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but that's who I am. I can't apologize for that. You knew that when you got involved with me in the first place."
Lily looked down at her feet. He wanted to know what she was thinking. He was being brutally honest with her. He couldn't guarantee that he would be faithful to her. He couldn't make that promise to anyone. He never wanted to change for any girl.
"It's just that I had this image of you, what I thought you were like, and that image completely shattered after I saw you with Trixie."
His grip tightened on her arm and he saw her wince. For some reason, that comment really unnerved him. Who did she think he was? Did she actually think he would change his ways for her? He couldn't believe what he was hearing. What the hell was wrong with this girl? Was she stupid or just naive?
"Well what? I'm sorry you're fucking disappointed but what did you expect? That I was going to change who I was for you? That you were going to save me or something" he laughed in her face "Wow, you really are a moron."
She shook her head in disbelief. He saw something change in her. He didn't know what it was, but suddenly she looked more confident. It almost looked like she had just realized something that she hadn't known before.
"You're really weak James. You're constantly trying to bring the people around you down because you're so insecure. I didn't see it at first, but now I do and it's actually pretty pathetic."
Pathetic? No one has ever said that to him before. That was rich coming from Lily, the most pathetic person he had ever met. He felt anger bubbling up inside of him. How dare she? Who the hell did she think she was insulting him like that? Did she not see how pathetic she was? She was the one who was professing her undying love for him! She was the one who was pitiful, not him!
"Shut up!" he snapped and gripped her arm even tighter.
She had no idea what she was talking about. He wasn't insecure at all. She was the insecure one!
"See, you're getting all riled up! You know I'm right. What we had was too much for you to handle because in so many ways you're still just a little boy. You're incapable of feeling, or at least you try so hard not to."
"Shut up, just shut up!" he almost yelled and shook her.
He couldn't believe the nerve of this girl. Is that actually what she thought of him? He was not a little boy and he was not suppressing his emotions.
"You're delusional," he continued.
"I know you care for me James, but you're too immature or scared to admit it. You started a fight because of me, you punched Remus because he was taunting you and telling you I didn't care about you anymore. Explain that! And you constantly need reassurance that I still love you. That's why every time I pull away from you, you always try to pull me back in."
"Don't kid yourself and don't get any dumb ideas! You don't mean anything to me. Nothing!"
Lily laughed "You and I both know it's a lie. It took me awhile to realize it, but now I can see it. I can see right through you James. I know you so much better than you think. And that terrifies you. I can see it now."
He let go of her and roughly pushed her away from him.
"Get out of my room you bitch! You have no idea what you're talking about."
She stumbled and almost fell flat on her face, but she managed to catch herself at the last second. She stood up and faced him and he saw how determined she was. He had never seen her like this before.
"What's wrong? You can't handle the truth?" she answered defiantly.
Her hair was all messed about around her face and her eyes were glinting with anger. He hated that stupid red hair. He hated her. She was so ugly, so beautiful.
"You're just trying to convince yourself of things you want to believe because you're the one who can't handle the truth. You can't handle the fact that I will never feel for you what you feel for me." James snarled.
He saw that she smiled at that. She thought this was funny. It wasn't funny at all. He didn't know why he cared so much what she thought of him. What she said was all false. None of it was true. He didn't care for her. He really didn't, damnit! His hands were shaking and he felt like he was just about ready to explode. He looked at her, and she looked just as upset and riled up as he was.
"I don't care what you say, I know the truth. I know what you can't admit to yourself because you're too scared."
"Ever since the beginning you've been playing games with me. You act like you care and then you tell me that you don't. You treat me like shit and then you do something nice for me. You're hot and cold. At first I was the one who was scared of you James. I was scared of what you would do to me, of you breaking my heart. But now I finally understand that you're the one who's scared."
She looked him in the eye the entire time. He felt rage bubbling up inside of him, it was lies! All of it were just lies!
"...I'm not scared of you anymore. You can't possibly hurt me any more than you already have. I'm over it. You should get over it too. It's not like I want anything to do with you anymore anyway. I just realized that what happened between us had nothing to do with me. I kept thinking I wasn't good enough for you, but tonight made me realize that you were the one who was never really good enough for me." she continued.
James was livid. How dare she say such things about him?
She broke eye contact with him and turned around to head out of the room, but he wasn't going to let her leave him like this. She needed to understand that she was wrong about him! She was completely wrong. He wasn't scared of anything, especially not her...was he? She didn't actually think that she was too good for him, did she?
He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back. He heard her whimper, but he didn't care. She deserved the pain.
"You don't mean that!" he replied hoarsely.
"Stop lying! Just stop it!"
She shook her head. "I'm not lying. How about you just be honest with yourself? Just admit that you're terrified of getting hurt."
He grabbed her by the shoulders and roughly pushed her against the wall. "Shut the fuck up!"
"I don't know what happened for you to become like this...maybe a horrible childhood or something, but you need to get over it. Stop being such a coward and move on!"
"I am not a coward! And you don't know the first thing about my childhood Evans. Stop assuming that you know me so well when you don't."
He could tell he was being too rough with her. He could see it in her eyes that she was starting to get frightened from his reaction, but he didn't feel bad one bit. She brought this upon herself. She had just opened a can of worms without realizing it and she had to pay the consequences. Let her be terrified, let her tremble and choke on the words that were coming out of that repulsive mouth of hers.
He hated her so much. He felt it in his gut. He couldn't even stand the mere sight of her. He hated her, she was so disgusting. He couldn't stand those fucking green eyes looking at him the way she was looking at him now. He couldn't stand the way her red hair looked redder than ever against her flushed skin. He hated the way it glinted in the dark light of his room. He wanted to rip every single one of her hairs out. His chest hurt, his head hurt...he was hurting everywhere and he had no idea why. This was all her fault, every time he was around her, she always fucked him up.
He felt himself slowly going insane. He was going to do something stupid and he knew it. She must have seen the way he was looking at her because she suddenly tried to move away from him and run for the door. He caught her after she had made a few steps and placed his hand over her mouth because he knew she would try and scream to wake Sirius up.
She struggled as he carried her towards the bed and put a silencing charm on his closed curtains before plopping her down on it. He had no idea what he was doing. All he knew was that he wanted to hurt her. He really wanted to inflict the same pain that she was putting him through. She struggled but he had pinned her down.
"Take back what you said!" he hissed.
She glared at him "I'm not taking back anything, I meant every single word!"
He was hurting her and he knew it. He was being too rough, too violent but he didn't care. He felt her trembling underneath him and briefly wondered just how far he could take this. How far his conscience would allow him to go with her.
He had never felt so angry in his entire life.
"You fucking bitch! I hate you. I fucking hate you!" he spat out. His grip tightened on her even more and he knew that she would bruise in the morning. But he didn't care. He didn't fucking care about any of that! He just wanted her to take back what she had said.
"Take. It. Back." he grunt out through clenched teeth.
"Get off me! You're hurting me," she cried.
Good, he thought. Let her feel pain. He wanted her to feel it.
"I should have let Remus beat you up! You enjoy this don't you? You love hurting other people because deep down you're hurting inside too! I pity you James. I actually feel bad for you!"
He felt like he was losing control. He couldn't think straight anymore. He was so angry, so disgusted with himself and with her. She wouldn't shut up. She just kept saying the same things over and over again. He couldn't take it anymore. Her hair was sprawled against his pillow and her face was pulled in an expression of pain and anguish. Her red hair came in stark contrast with the creamy white of his pillow and he suddenly felt sick to his stomach.
He hated her, he just wanted to hurt her, make her feel what he was feeling. He wanted to shut her up, make her understand that she couldn't just talk to him like that. She couldn't be the one controlling him. He had to always stay in control. He just couldn't lose that. It was everything to him.
He kissed her. Hard.
She wouldn't stop struggling. She was rubbing against him in all the wrong ways. It was so dirty, so disgusting and he couldn't get enough of it. He pulled at her hair, bit her lips and suckled her tongue. He couldn't control himself anymore. He lost it. He wasn't thinking straight.
Oh god, she was so ugly, so beautiful. He hated her, he couldn't get enough of her.
"I hate you," he mumbled against her lips "You make me so sick..."
He knew he kept mumbling unintelligible shit, but he was beyond caring. He didn't care anymore. Fuck control, he had lost that a long time ago.
All that mattered was that Lily wasn't pushing at him anymore, she was gripping onto him. Her hands were in his hair, on his shoulders, his back, his chest...everywhere. They were desperate. There was no room for love anymore, this was pure frustration. They were both so angry, so turned on and so out of control. There was no more holding back.
He stopped kissing her and pulled her hair roughly to the side.
"I can't stand your fucking hair...", he bit down on her exposed neck and she hissed in pain. He knew it would leave a mark in the morning, he knew that he had hurt her but he couldn't stop. He sensed that she didn't want him to.
She was squirming, trying to get closer to him, gripping onto him, trying to wrap her legs around him, but it was never close enough. He pressed into her more but he felt like he needed more than that. It wasn't enough. Not nearly enough.
He knew she felt the same way, he just knew it. She kept rubbing against him, becoming clearly frustrated and he knew exactly how she felt. They were both falling apart, both spiraling out of control and it was so beautiful. This was it. But he needed more than that, he wanted everything. He started to feel an ache settle in the pit of his stomach and it hurt so much. He just wanted to make it go away. He had no idea what it was.
He met her lips again, tangled his fingers in her striking hair and tried to forget the ache in his stomach. He pressed her more firmly against his body. He could feel her heart racing, or maybe that was his, he didn't even know anymore. He didn't care. He could taste her tears, they tasted so good. But it still wasn't enough. He could feel her giving up, he was starting to lose her.
No, no, no, he thought. They were supposed to be in this together. She couldn't leave him here alone. He kissed her even harder, tried to bring her back to him, but she was slipping away and surely enough, she pulled away from him after a few moments.
He needed her to stay with him. He needed her! Damnit! Fuck...
He watched her as she slowly tried to wrap her mind around what happened. Don't try to explain it, he thought. She would never understand what happened between them. It felt so wrong but so right.
He knew only Lily could ever make him feel that way. Only she could stir up so many emotions inside of him, only she could make him feel and lose his self-control like that.
She pushed away at him, and asked him to get off her. She was panting and her hair was all messy around her face, her cheeks were all flushed and her eyes were the most sparkling green he'd ever seen. He couldn't help but think that she had never looked more stunning.
" I'm going to go," she whispered eyeing anything but him. He could tell she was confused. Couldn't she understand that he felt the same way? He didn't want her to leave. He wanted her to stay with him. Why couldn't she just understand?
He shrugged. "Whatever Evans..."
She got up and headed towards the door, but right before disappearing she looked back at him. He saw her look at him in surprise. She wanted to say something but she just shook her head instead and walked off. He stared at the door that she had just walked out from and couldn't believe what had just happened.
He was shaking as the realization of what happened hit him like a ton of bricks. No one had ever made him lose control like that before. He was ALWAYS in control of every situation. What the hell was happening to him? He realized that she was absolutely right about him, about everything. That ache still hadn't gone away. He didn't know what to do anymore.
He brought up his hand to his face and felt all the blood drain from it. He couldn't believe it. This hadn't happened to him since that night many years ago. His cheeks were all wet.
He was crying.