Thanks to my good friend Jayden for throwing me this lovely plot bunny! This is the result of another challenge over at SSB (we really do have WAY too much time on our hands, I think!) where Luke had to interact witha totally normal person in the GFFA. No Sith lords, no evil superweapons, no kidnapping plots...
So what happens when Luke runs into someone who's been using his name to pick up women? Why, he takes the opportunity to get a little payback for all of the weird questions he must have been asked over the years, of course!
Disclaimer: I don't own it, not making any money off it.
Timeframe is sometime after VOTF, but before NJO.
"Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master."
Rolf Parvill smiled at the beautiful young woman who was stretching in the Imperial Palace gym by extending one leg straight up over her head against the wall. Flexibility like that would be incredible if used in…other ways. The woman turned her head to give him a startled look. He widened his smile in what he hoped was a serene, Jedi-like manner.
Rolf had been using this 'Luke Skywalker' bit for several months now. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, but he had a good feeling about this young lady. There was a definite gleam of interest behind the surprised look in her eyes.
She lowered her leg and turned to face him. "You are? Really?"
Gotcha! he thought to himself exultantly. "Yes, and I couldn't help but notice you from across the room as I was doing my Jedi meditation. In fact, your beauty so distracted me that I had to give up on that for the day."
She blushed prettily and smiled shyly at him from beneath lowered lashes. "Wow, I'm so flattered."
Rolf had seen a few holos of the real Luke Skywalker, and he thought there actually was a passing resemblance between the two of them. Well, they both had blond hair anyway. Fortunately, the real Jedi wasn't very fond of holocams and so didn't have his image plastered all over Coruscant. Not like the time Rolf had tried to pretend to be Face Loran, the holofilm star…boy, had that been a disaster! Nope, the reclusive Jedi Master was a much better option.
"What is it like to be a Jedi? It must be SO exciting," the woman simpered.
"Well, it's not all glamour, of course. There's danger involved as well. For instance, on my last mission…" he launched into the plot of an action/adventure fiction datapad he'd read recently, and tried not to gloat as the beautiful redhead seemed to hang on his every word.
The sound of someone clearing their voice came from behind him. Rolf turned to see a man about half-a-head shorter than him looking at the two of them with a confused expression.
The redhead smiled at Rolf and then looked at the intruder. "Hello! You're late, but you'll never guess who I've been talking to here," she said.
Oh, damn, she knew this guy. Hopefully, it wasn't her boyfriend or anything. Not that Rolf thought he'd have any trouble taking the man if it came to that. The fellow really was only a little bigger than this lovely piece of womanhood he was talking to, and whom he was hoping to get to know a LOT better.
The man eyed Rolf a bit warily and asked, "Who?"
"This is Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master," she said, and Rolf found it a bit odd that she emphasized his name so strangely.
The man's eyes darted to his in shock and 'Luke' smiled at him benignly. Probably a Jedi-wannabe himself, Rolf thought. The newcomer glanced back at the woman and a very weird gleam entered his eyes. Rolf wondered what that was all about, but mostly he wondered how he could get rid of the guy so he could get back to seducing the very hot redhead.
"Really?" the man drawled. The redhead - Rolf was going to have to remember to ask what her name was before they partied between the sheets - nodded and one eyebrow quirked up.
"Luke Skywalker, hmm? I'm a big fan."
"Well, thank you. I appreciate your support," Rolf said magnanimously. "But I was talking-"
"Could you show me some Jedi tricks?" the man asked, interrupting him. The interloper was carrying a small bag which he set down beside his feet.
Rolf scowled at him.
"Could you lift this bag here with your mind?"
"We don't really like to perform like show animals," Rolf said haughtily.
"I see," the man said thoughtfully. "Can you read my mind, then? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now?"
"Of course I could, but that's not a very ethical thing to do, now is it?"
The man nodded slowly, as though he were agreeing with Rolf. "Now, if you'll excuse me-" Rolf started to say, before the man interrupted him.
"What was it like to blow up the Death Star? Were you scared? And how did you go to the 'fresher in that X-Wing?"
Rolf stared at the man in disbelief and from behind him, he heard the redhead snort with laughter. Great, he's ruining my shot!
"What was it like to face Darth Vader and the Emperor? Was Vader really as big in person as he looked in those holos? What kind of woman would have wanted to have sex with Darth Vader anyway? Was your mom like a psycho, or something?" the man asked insistently.
Rolf's mouth dropped open and the redhead wasn't even trying to hold her snickers back now. "Those are, ah, very personal questions," he said weakly.
"Can I see your bionic hand? Did it hurt a lot when Vader chopped it off?" the man asked and acted as though he was going to reach out to touch Rolf's right hand.
Rolf jerked his hands up and took a couple of steps backwards. What was wrong with this guy? These were NOT normal questions! He could now see both the man and the redhead he'd been trying to pick up, and he paused at the look that passed between them. Something was not right here…
"Where's your lightsaber? Can I see that?" the man asked.
Well, there was something he could show them at least. When he'd decided to try this impersonating Luke Skywalker spiel, he'd invested in a very nice lightsaber replica. It didn't work, of course - only the real Jedi knew what the secret to a working lightsaber was - but it looked real enough.
Rolf pulled his fake lightsaber from his belt and held it up for them to observe. The man looked duly impressed and so did the redhead. Maybe there was still a chance he could salvage this after all.
"Can I see it?" the man had the gall to ask.
"No, of course not. It's not a toy, it's a very dangerous weapon," Rolf said. Not to mention the fact that it had cost him about 500 credits and he definitely didn't want it damaged.
The man nodded again, a very serious expression on his face. He suddenly smiled and Rolf got very nervous for some reason.
"You know what? I don't really need to see yours."
"Oh?" Rolf said, raising his brows and looking down his nose at the man in a condescending manner.
"I'm a Jedi, too, you see," the man said in a low tone, as he leaned towards Rolf conspiratorially.
Rolf snorted. "I can assure you, my good man, I would know if you were a Jedi. I can sense the Force in others and you are, unfortunately, not blessed with it at all," he said in a voice filled with false pity.
"Wow. I guess my teachers were lying to me, then," the man said as his eyes widened.
"Sometimes well-meaning people don't know how to let someone down gently," Rolf reassured him.
"Hmm, you could be right. But see, I always thought that because I could do this…" The man gestured with his hand and the bag at his feet opened as if by magic. Rolf paled and gaped as a lightsaber floated up to the man's hand. The lightsaber slapped snugly into the man's palm and he looked up at Rolf with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "…and this…" Rolf's fake lightsaber flew out of his hands and up into the air, over the man's head.
Sweat broke out on Rolf's forehead as the man ignited his own - his real - lightsaber, producing a shimmering emerald blade that hummed with life and energy. The man jumped backwards and twisted in mid-air, the lightsaber flashing so quickly that it became a blur of green light. Landing lightly back on his feet, the man had de-activated the lightsaber even before the first of the four pieces he'd sliced the fake saber into fell to the floor.
"…I thought that meant that I was a Jedi."
"Huh, you used to get seven pieces out of that," the redhead commented sarcastically.
Rolf had almost forgotten about her, as astonishing as that was. Damn, just his luck that a real Jedi would frequent this gym!
"Uh…" Rolf stammered, really uncertain what he could say in his own defense.
The man glared at the redhead and said, "Well, I'm not as young as I used to be, am I?"
"Nice excuse," she snorted.
The man turned to look back at Rolf, who gave him a weak grin.
"Now what's your real name?" he asked, and something about his voice made Rolf doubt the wisdom of attempting to lie.
"Well, Rolf Parvill, in the future, when you decide to impersonate Luke Skywalker-" the man began, but the redhead interrupted him.
"You might want to be certain that the REAL Luke Skywalker isn't standing behind you!"
The real Luke Skywalker glared at the redhead again. "Always have to steal my thunder, don't you, Mara?"
"You said yourself you weren't as fast as you used to be," she chuckled. She turned her attention back to Rolf and stepped up to him, patting him on the cheek just a little harder than he thought was necessary. "You also might want to be certain that the female you're trying to pick up is not Luke Skywalker's wife," she said in a falsely sweet tone.
"I…I…" Rolf didn't know what to say.
Mara Jade Skywalker sauntered past Rolf and walked over to hook her arm through her husband's. Skywalker leaned down to pick up the bag at his feet and winked at Rolf as they turned to go.
"C'mon, Farmboy, time for me to whip you in another lightsaber duel. You do have mine in there, too, right?"
"Certainly, my love," Skywalker said, and reached into the bag to pull out another saber, handing it to his wife with a grin.
Rolf had to consciously snap his jaw shut as he watched the two Jedi walk away. It suddenly hit him hard just who he'd been talking to…Luke Skywalker. THE Luke Skywalker!
"Hey, uh, Master Skywalker! Is it too late to ask for your autograph?" He frowned as the two kept walking away and wondered why the savior of the galaxy was shaking his head like that.