Big Boss looked at the line of soldiers who were to become the elite guards of Outer Heaven with a critical eye.
"So…who's first?" Big Boss looked at a list of names in his hand, "Shoot Gunner?"
"That's me." The first guy stepped forward.
"Okay. So what's your special ability?"
"I am a former member of Spetsnaz and master of riot guns. I'll be guarding the underground prison." Shoot gunner said proudly.
"Yes, but what is your special ability?"
"I guess…riot guns?" Shoot gunner cracked a little under the pressure.
Big boss's eye twitched angrily. He suppressed his rage and moved on to the next one.
"Machine Gun Kid? What's your special ability?"
"I like machine guns!"
Big Boss snapped.
"You like machine guns! Whoop de-fucking-do! When I was infiltrating Groznyj Grad every fucking guard had a machine gun! And then there was this guy! He could shoot BEES FROM HIS MOUTH! And you're telling me having a machine gun makes you special! Argh! And then there was this other guy; 'The Fear' He had double jointed elbows and leapt around the trees like a lunatic shooting poison arrows at me! And then, and then there was The End a sniper who could PHOTOSYNTHESIZE! Can any of you do that, huh? No! Coz you're fucking idiots!"
Big Boss took a moment to catch his breath and calm himself down.
"What about you?" Big Boss asked the next guy on the line.
"I'm fire trooper."
"And what do you do?"
"I…have a flamethrower." Fire trooper said nervously.
Big Boss erupted again.
"A flamethrower! Is that all! When I was infiltrating Groznyj Grad I had to fight a total psycho who had a flamethrower AND A JETPACK what good are you gonna do with just a flamethrower huh? You fucking retard." Big Boss shoved Flame trooper over.
"What are these?" Big Boss looked at the Arnolds.
"They're state of the art androids, they're virtually indestructible." Shoot Gunner explained.
"Ah, androids." Big Boss said with a hint of expectation, "Do they electrocute you when they punch you?"
"Then they're shit!"
Big Boss stormed around the room ranting madly, "Oh my god, how can you all suck so much! None of you can do anything! If you were guards at Groznyj Grad you would have just been standing out in the jungle waiting for me to sneak up and shoot you in the back of the head. And this isn't even mentioning the guy who was supposed to already be dead who got inside my head and started messing me while I was half drowning in a river! None of you can do anything, ANYHTING AT ALL that is remotely interesting?"
"I can touch my nose with my tongue!" Coward Duck announced and proceeded with a demonstration.
Big Boss grabbed Coward Duck and CQC'd him to the ground face first.
"Fucking retards!" Big Boss screamed exasperatedly to himself as he marched out of the room.