Title: The Battlefield of Love
Author: Kit Spooner
Pairing: Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura
Rating: PG/K+ for mild language
Theme: #7 – Superstar
Disclaimer: The characters and situations portrayed in this story are the sole property of Kishimoto-sensei and the assorted corporate types who've bought the rights. I've merely borrowed them for a brief time.
Notes: Been a while since I posted one of these. This one's been hiding on my harddrive since April. Whoops. Yeah, and also, Rock Lee is a sex god. Thxbai.
Oak trees rustled overhead as the autumnal wind rose. Naruto glanced up at the sky briefly, taking note of it's ominous cloud-cover.
"Looks like rain," he told his opponent.
Rock Lee posed on the other side of the forest clearing. "Foul weather won't save you from defeat today, Naruto!" The waning light glinted off his white, white teeth as he grinned.
Naruto bared his teeth in a feral grin of his own. "Haha, you wish!" he shot back. "I handed your ass to you last time, Lee." He cracked his knuckles.
Rock Lee began a series of warmup stretches. "Ah, but I've been training non-stop since our last bout," he warned. "On the battlefield of love, there can be only one victor!" His pectoral muscles twitched with his exuberance.
"Yeah, and that one victor will be me, doofus!" Naruto returned.
"Ha!" scoffed Lee. "You've never understood how to truly treat a woman properly, Naruto. You've never given gentle Sakura-san the sensitivity that she deserves."
Naruto scowled. "Hmph. Like you're any better, Fuzzy-Brows."
"Gai-sensei was nothing if not thorough in his education of my team!" Lee pronounced, fist over his heart. "And as a true gentleman, I will be the one to claim a victory kiss from Sakura-san!" His eyes gleamed with fervor.
"What!" Naruto bristled. "There's no fucking way you're kissing my Sakura-chan, even if by some miracle you do manage to beat me. That victory kiss is mine!"
Rock Lee had enough time for one final, misty-eyed post before Naruto flung himself at his rival-in-love.
The fight was a quick, furious affair.
This was due, in great part, to the fact that Sakura herself strode into the clearing and stomped her foot down between the two combatants before the first blows had even landed.
"What the crap is going on here?" she snapped irritably.
"Sakura-chaaaaan," Naruto whined as he pulled himself out of the crater Sakura's kick had created.
"We are battling for your heart, Sakura-san!" Lee explained solemnly with an abbreviated Nice-Guy Pose.
"Say what?" Sakura gaped.
"Er," said Naruto. "It wasn't my idea."
"I'm afraid my honorable opponent here has been overtaken by the passion of his youth," Lee countered. "It actually was his idea, Sakura-san."
"Dude, no it wasn't," Naruto shouted.
"You suggested that we both skip team training today so that we could test our skills against each other in a furious clash of wills!" Lee pronounced joyfully.
"Well, yeah," admitted Naruto. "But you were the one who brought my Sakura-chan into it!"
"Excuse me?" asked Sakura. "'Your Sakura-chan?'"
"The victor wins a kiss from you, fair Sakura-san!" said Lee.
Naruto sighed and tensed for Sakura's punch/kick/swat. Instead she grabbed Lee by the collar of his ridiculous green jumpsuit and shook him vigorously.
"Lee-san! Stop being a moron!" she ordered.
"But, Sakura-san," Lee mumbled forlornly.
"You're already married, Lee-san," she reminded him firmly. "To Ino, in case I need to remind you. And she will literally emasculate you if she ever finds out that you and Naruto were fighting to make out with some other woman."
"Oh," said Lee.
"Do I need to remind you that you don't have a crush on me anymore, Lee-san?" Sakura suggested in a slightly gentler tone.
"Hrm," Lee replied.
"You're in love with Ino," she continued. "And the two of you get up to plenty of kissing on your own. Or at least, it seems that way, considering that Ino told me today that you got her knocked up yet again."
Naruto perked up and grinned at Lee. "Way to go, stud!" he crowed.
Rock Lee's Nice Guy Pose was blinding.
Or at least it was until Sakura kicked Naruto in the head and then Lee in the stomach.
"Stop congratulating yourselves, you twits," she spat. "It's not like it takes any degree of skill to get a girl pregnant. Any moron can do it. Even Kiba," she added in an incredibly insulting tone of voice.
Now Lee looked pale and a little embarrassed. "I apologize, Sakura-san."
"Don't apologize to me, you idiot," Sakura snapped. "Go home and apologize to your wife and then shag her senseless or whatever it is you do to get her to forgive your complete lack of common sense."
Lee slunk off into the undergrowth very, very quickly.
"And you," Sakura continued, turning to glare at Naruto, who had been trying to sneak off as well. "What is wrong with you? Can't you be left on your own for even a little while?"
Naruto scratched his head and ran a hand through his golden hair. "I'm not sure how you want me to answer that one, Sakura-chan . . ."
"Did you forget that Lee-san's not the only one with a wife and kids, Naruto? How the hell do you plan on explaining to your daughter why you're coming home late from training, and why you have mud and sticks in your hair?"
Naruto surreptitiously brushed debris from his head.
Sakura sighed. "You're hopeless, Naruto," she murmured before helping him tidy himself. "What am I going to do with you?"
Naruto looked up from his sheepish examination of his sandals and gave her the big-eyed smile that made her melt – just a little – every time. "Maybe a kiss would be nice?" he suggested sunnily.
Sakura slapped him and then dragged his head down to her level and kissed him breathless, just to remind him who was really in charge. "Now, put your stupid hat back on and let's get home," she told him. "Our eight-year-old daughter is demanding that her daddy help her with her kage bunshins again, which, by the way, I cannot believe you taught to our child."
"Hee hee," Naruto chortled proudly as he picked the Hokage hat up off the ground, dusted it off, and slapped it on his head. "She's going to grow up to be a holy terror, just like . . ."
"Yes, yes," Sakura agreed, adjusting the angle of the Rokudaime Hokage's mantle. "Just like her daddy."
"Well, I was going to say 'just like her beautiful, dangerous mother,'" he replied with a wink that nearly got him decked by his beautiful, extremely dangerous wife.
Instead she kissed him again to prove how right he was.