1I Shall Believe


Chapter 1

summary: haley tries coping with her mom's death, but that's not working as she falls apart. Only one that she meets can truly reach her heart. ;). Wonder who that's gonna be.

hope you guys like and criticism as well as praise and then just comments are always GREATLY appreciated! Thank you for reading this. (This is my second fic about Haley's mom dying. I don't know what it is... it just kinda happened. :D anyways.)

"Hales?" Bram asked as he walked into the quiet, dark kitchen, rubbing his sleepy eyes, "what are you doing up so early?" he asked.

I hurriedly wiped the tears away from my face–hoping he hadn't noticed– and shrugged, "I couldn't sleep."

my attempt failing, he noticed the tears. A worried expression cascaded the features of his face as he took a seat beside me, "Hales... babe. What's wrong? Did something happen?"

I shook my head, "no, I'm just having a really rough time with all this right now."

"Haley, is this about your mom?"

I nodded my head, "and us, my dad, my brothers, us..." my sentence trailed off.

"What about us?" he asked, lifting his head up and staring at me.

"We're falling apart, Bram. My family absolutely can't stand me because of the choices I've made and then Mom died and..." I bit my lip, tears streaming down my face, "and I don't know if I can keep on doing this. I can't keep on being with you if I'm hurting my family in the process, and I can't keep hurting you when I want to be with my family. One thing has to take top priority at this time and I hate choosing between you and my family, Bram. I love you so much, baby, but I don't know if I can take this estrangement anymore."

"Hales," he was instantly out of the chair and by my side. He kneeled down and looked into my eyes, "I don't want you to have to decide, either. Why can't you do both? I don't want you to be on the outs with yours family because of me. I'm not worth all of it," he laughed lightly, hoping to lighten the talk, but it didn't help.

"It's not because of you, Bram."

He shook his head, "you know it is. Your dad hates me because of my previous criminal record, your brothers hate me because your always with me and my reputation, and your mom–the only one who was okay with this–barely–just died in a terrible accident."

"What do you want me to say?" I cried. "Do you want me to comfort you in some way? Because I really can't do that right now, baby. They don't exactly hate you, but they've never been fond of you. And with the funeral being tomorrow... well... I just don't think we should go together."

"What the fuck does that mean, Haley? I have been nothing but there for you this whole time. When you lost everything, you had me. When you heard the news, I was there to keep you from falling apart. When you visited the funeral home, I was the shoulder you cried on. When you had so much on your heart, I listened to you. Doesn't that count for anything?"

"I can't deal with this right now," I cried, tearing myself away from him and stumbling out of the chair towards the door.

"Haley, what is with you? I know all of this stuff with your mom and family is hard, but what is really up?"

"No-nothing," I cried, grabbing my coat and staggering outside into the cold winter night in North Carolina. My knees buckled and I fell onto the porch swing, laying out and sobbing. I could hear the rough tide as it threw itself onto the rocks and shore over and over again.

The same song played in my head. The same song that my mother had burned into my heart and mind since I was five years old. The same song that my mother played over and over again when she had a bad day. The same song that I heard for a solid year of my life while she was getting a divorce from my dead-beat father–a.k.a: sperm donor–before she married the man I now call 'Dad' a year later. The same song that I cry every time I hear. The same song that they were going to be playing at her funeral tomorrow morning I had especially requested. The same song that I couldn't forget but longed so much to forget because of the horrible memories behind it. The same song that made me see my mother's face in my mind and smell her clean scent and remember what it felt like when she kissed me on the forehead and called me 'Baby Girl.' It was the same song that was making endless tears come to my eyes now.

Come to me now

and lay your hands over me

even if it's a lie

say it'll be alright

and I shall believe

I'm broken in two

I know your on to me

that I only come home

when I'm so all alone

but I do believe

I closed my eyes, not fighting the tears anymore, but letting them fall down my already-soaked face. When I caught a gentle breeze blowing in, I smiled to myself. Mom loved the breeze. We would lay at night and stare up at the stars when she would have a horrible day. She said it made all the crazy things in life blow away with it. And that–just as soon as it had come–the bad things, like the breeze, would blow over. At least, that was her great theory.

That not everything is gonna be the way

you think it outta be

seems like every time I try to make it right

it all comes down on me

please say honestly you won't give up on me

and I shall believe

I shall believe

My mother's life was written, practically, in this song. This song was her life. I remember the time when she met the wonderful man I call 'Dad.' she was working at a small diner in South Carolina, and she–like me–loved Sheryl Crow to death. Anyways, she had been bidding all night on the internet–and some that morning–to get tickets to her concert, but there were none to be found. Anyways, when Mom was closing up and Dad was finishing up his last cup of coffee listening to my mother gush about how great Sheryl Crow was and how she hated missing her concert and how she thought it was awesome–Sheryl Crow actually came into the café! To my mother's shock and amazement, she served her one cup for every song she played them.

She bought one cup. And, in return, Sheryl played one song. Is it really that hard to guess which one? Anyways, my dad and my mom sat there–holding hands–as she sang to them. My mother, of course, had added all of the details, too: how Sheryl had looked, smelled, felt when her hand accidentally brushed Sheryl's while handing her the coffee, how she had sung the song, how she had got lost in Dad's eyes while listening to the song, how she could see her future in his eyes, how his hand felt as he held hers... she didn't leave out one detail. It had been the happiest day of her life–other than her children's births.

Open the door

and show me your face tonight

I know it's true

no one heals me like you

and you hold the key

never again

would I turn away from you

I'm so heavy tonight

but your love is alright

and I do believe

This had also been the song that had played at her wedding. While she was walking into the church in her beautiful Ivory Chiffon gown that clung delicately to her petite frame and made her look even more gorgeous, instead of the usual Bridal March, this song played. It had brought tears to my eyes and when I looked over at my brothers–Holden and Hayden–I could see their eyes glazing over as well. And when I looked over at Drew–with his slender body, geek-like glasses, and radiant, glowing smile–I knew he was right for my mom. Unlike Charlie–my sperm donor–Drew related more to my mom. Charlie was a bad ass during high school when he knocked mom up with Hayden and then a month after she delivered, she got pregnant with Holden. They got married after that and then 2 years later, had me. Haley. Haley Elizabeth James. Mom said that 'Elizabeth' was the name of very successful women and that I was going to be a successful woman when I grew up. I was going to finish high school–unlike her–go to college–unlike her–marry a wonderful man the first go-round–unlike her–and then live happy ever after–unlike her. Drew was a complete nerd down to the core. He had invented a marketing software computer thing and something else having to do with computers and he was way-wealthy, but that wasn't the point. He was good for us. And not only was he the thing Mom needed most–she loved him to pieces and was mad in love with him.

That not everything is gonna be the way

you think it outta be

seems like every time I try to make it right

it all comes down on me

please say honestly you won't give up on me

and I shall believe

I shall believe

I wish I had some one that believed in me like Mom had. I was a junior in high school and had a terrible boyfriend who was pushed drugs as a living. Now I was living with him since my mom died. Mom had called him another Charlie, which killed me, but I loved Bram. I actually thought I did, anyway, but as I lay, swinging gently back and forth as the breeze was hitting me, I doubted it. I loved how his kisses made me feel and how he made me feel special, but I didn't really love him. We didn't talk and he was super jealous. All the males in my family hated him. Mostly for his criminal record–he spent a couple years in juvenile hall for drugs–and then for his reputation–he was a bad guy, we won't go into much detail. Then there was the whole drug thing that they weren't too thrilled about. And, yeah, he still did drugs, but you can only plead and beg for th people you love to stop so long when it isn't working.

I wanted to so badly, but I just couldn't... I couldn't believe. My mom had been so strong, but I was just a wimp. I didn't believe that it would all be alright. I didn't believe at all... it was all falling apart...

And I shall believe