'What was I thinking? Driving to his place. Walking to his door. Knocking! I'm such an idiot!'
That's all Cameron could think about as she sat in her car. She was still parked in front of House's house. She didn't know where to go from there. She had expected or hoped for so much more from him.
'He wouldn't even shake my hand. Couldn't even look me in the eye. Why the hell did I give him an ultimatum? How could I put myself in his situation? What was I thinking?'
Cameron kept thinking in circles. How had she been so wrong? She truly thought House felt something for her. Something more than co-workers. More than friends. She didn't think it would ever be possible to hurt this much again. But losing her husband had been completely out of her control. There had been nothing she could do but hold his hand and love him until he faded out of this life.
With House, though, she could play the blame game. Maybe it would all be easier if she believed in God, or a bigger plan, or something. Then she could rant and rave about losing two great men in her short 29 years of life. She'd have someone to blame. Someone to hate. Someone to ask, why? But it was only Cameron and so she sat there blaming herself. Hating herself.
"Where do I go from here?"
'What was she thinking? What possessed her to drive over here? Why in the world did I let her in? I'm a complete idiot!'
House stood there, in the middle of his living room, pondering the ramifications of the past few minutes of his life.
'I couldn't even look her in the eye. You'd think I was the naive twenty-something. But how could I? If I had looked at her, I would have kissed her. If I had taken her hand, I don't think I could have let go. Why did she give up? Why is she leaving? What was she thinking?'
Of course the more House thought about it, the more he realized that it was pointless blaming Cameron. She was just doing what she had to survive. He could understand that. He had built himself into an emotional cage so that he could survive. She'd just bended the bars and given him a way out…and all he could do was look away.
House knew that he could love Cameron. That the emotion was right there, waiting for him to grab it and acknowledge it for what it was. But he was weak. His vicodin dependency had proven that. He was a coward. His constant need to push everyone around him as far away as possible was an example. He knew it was so cliché, avoiding relationships so that he wouldn't get hurt again.
And yet, here he was, standing in the middle of his living room. In pain. And vicodin wouldn't fix this. Neither would alchohol or his ipod or playing the piano. There was only one fix for this pain. And she had just left him behind.
He just kept thinking over and over, "Where do I go from here?"