Disclaimer: The author shall herein use characters he does not own, use words you don't understand, and reference things you are not familiar with. But if anyone was going to sue fanficcers for blatantly abusing copyright laws, I think they would have done it by now.

Thinking of Kingdom Hearts, wherever I am…

We pray for our teenage angst to end
and hope that Sora will be our friend
Now I will write fan fiction to realize this wish

And who knows:
writing a cheap knock-off may not be so hard
or maybe it has already been done

There are many Kingdom Hearts fan fictions
but they violate one copyright-
one copyright, one destiny

I've been having these weird thoughts lately…
Like, is any of this real or not?
And why can I only speak in haiku?

But then I fall into the ocean,
Which becomes the sky,
Which becomes the ocean again.

Then I land on my head,
At the bottom of the sea.
And it really hurts.

Hey, is that dance music?

Another franchise…
Many franchises…
Somewhere out across the endless sky…
Will you take hold of destiny…
Or just let it go?

Who are you?
And why are your words appearing
On the other side of the page?

So much to do…
So little time…
Take your time.

Always have,
Mysterious incorporeal voice
In my head.

Don't be stupid.
The door is still shut.
Now, step forward.
Can you do it?

... ... ... ... ... Uh, yeah, is this okay?

Power sleeps within you.
If you give it form…
It will give you strength.
Choose well.

Wait, what are my choices?

I'm glad you asked!
Welcome to Crazy Incorporeal Voice's
House of Mystic Powers!
Today's Specials:

1). The power of the multi-national corporation.
Invincible economy.
A business plan of terrible destruction.

2). The power of the fan fiction author.
Kindness to insert friends.
A disclaimer to repel all lawsuits.

3). The power of the televangelist.
Hair strength.
A career of women and ruin.

Those mystic powers suck!

Hey, I've been in the
Disembodied guide business
For years,
So take it or leave it.

Then I'll leave it.

It's your funeral.
Use this power to protect yourself and others.
There will be times you have to fight.


Keep your light burning strong, Kemosabe.

Wait just a cotton picking–

Behind you!


... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Good riddance, sucker!


What are you so afraid of?

Oh boy, more voices.
Hey, you!
Yeah, you!
I'll give you something to be afraid of!

What's most important to you?


What do you want out of life?

To get my hands
Around one of you guy's necks.
And squeeze.

The day that you will open the door is both far off and very near…
Like Christmas break in November.

The closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes…
Unless you keep going into the light, then you just die.

But don't be afraid.
You hold the mightiest weapon of all:
A large, blunt, and unwieldy object.

So don't forget…
You are the one who will open the door.
It's in your contract with Disney and Square-Enix.

Leave me alone!


Author's Notes:

Welcome to Kingdom Hearts: Tales of the Lesser Organs, the greatest work of fiction ever conceived by mortal man. Or rather, mortal men. My little brother helped .

So this is a Kingdom Hearts fan fic, and it's a parody/self-insertion. The rest of it isn't in the same script-like format, just straight-up prose. I'd like to think that its greatness speaks for itself, but instead, I'll beg:

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, READ THIS FAN FICTION! I've spent countless man-hours on it, typing, revising, clarifying. It is probably responsible for the loss of two separate GPA points and my descent into alcoholism/psychotic rage. This is the fan fiction which tore my life apart.