Title: Longing

Author: Witchytara25

Summary: What happens when the one person you want is with someone else?

Disclaimer: Not mine, belongs to Ann M. Martin.

A/N: My first attempt at BSC slash. I hope everyone likes it.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I kissed her. After all, we had been best friends since we were in diapers. She was the shy one, I was the fearless one. I was the one with the great ideas; she was the one who cried at the drop of a hat. Literally. How we managed to stay best friends our whole lives is beyond me. Maybe it's the case of opposites attracting, maybe it's the fact that when all was said and done, we really didn't have anyone but each other.

Granted, she got a new best friend, and I admit I was jealous for the fact that I wanted to be the only one in her life. When Dawn moved back to California in the middle of eighth grade, I admit, I was happy. I was happy because it meant I was back to being the best friend. However, I didn't realize at the time that it wasn't jealously I was feeling, but that I was in love with her. Hell, I was only 13, what did I know about love? Love was something that only happened in movies and books, not in real life. When your other good friends are boy-crazy and are in love every other day, it's kind of hard to take love seriously.

I was always the last one to mature on everything. I was the last one to get my period, the last one to get breasts, the last one to grow up. I didn't understand why we had to grow up, why we couldn't just stay 13 forever. Granted, it felt like we stayed in the eighth grade for 10 years, but once it was over, high school flew by and before I knew it, senior year was upon us and she had no steady boyfriend (her and Logan had broken up at the beginning of our sophomore year after she found him making out with Pete Black in the hallway). She was heartbroken and she came to me for comfort. I tried to comfort her, but it was awkward for the fact that then I knew my feelings for her. I was happy that she and Logan broke up because I thought that meant that I had a chance with her. Who else would be safer than someone you had known your whole life?

I remember her telling me that she didn't understand why Logan couldn't have just told her that he didn't want to be with her anymore, why he had to pull her under and make her confused about what was going on. I made some weak joke about boys and how they were all destined to be immature forever. She tried to smile, but then the tears took over again. She threw herself in my arms and the next thing I knew, I was kissing her.

She seemed surprised at first, but then she kissed me back for a few seconds before breaking the kiss and fleeing from me. I stood there, breathing heavily and wondered what the hell was going on. Why the hell did I just kiss the one person that had always been there for me? Why did I give into temptation? And what did it mean when she kissed me back?

After that, things were awkward and stilted between us and the distance grew. She started getting more and more into her schoolwork and I threw myself into sports. We were cordial to each other when we saw each other, but other than that, we didn't have much to say or do with each other.

She found another boyfriend and my heart broke because I wanted to be the one that she was with, I wanted to be the one that held her and made love to her. But I kept my distance and smiled whenever I saw them holding hands in the hallway and when I heard that they were getting married after they finished college, I smiled on the outside, but I cried on the inside because I knew that this wasn't what either one of us wanted. I saw the looks she gave me in the hallway and I knew she wanted me as much as I wanted her. But we both kept of the charade of pretending.

Now her wedding is upon me and I will go. I will go because even with the distance between us, she's still the one that I want. I will go to her wedding, but I will still wish that I was the one up there getting married to her instead of the guy. In the end, however, her and I both know the truth.