I AM


"Dreams fade and people die, but memories last forever...the only way to never lose the ones you love is to never stop loving them." Unknown


Pain. Sorrow. Grief. Regret. These simple emotions cannot even begin to describe the turmoil I feel within my soul. They fill my very being, leaving little room for anything else. But I won't let them consume me. I am stronger than that. people depend on me and I won't let them down. I will not give up and I will not give in. Not when the lives of everyone I care about hang in the balance. Not when I risk the only thing I have left.

I have been taught all of my life how to keep control; how to train my body and mind to endure intense stress and punishment; how to work past my weaknesses - and they are many. I suppose that is how I still am able to stand and move on despite the images that torment my sleep.

I have watched while the brother I loved, the boy I raised, took away everything I held dear in one fell swoop. I watched him end the lives of our friends and family. I watched as he slew our father, our teacher, our friend. I saw the fear, the revulsion, the pain when his eyes unclouded and saw what his hand had done. And I wept. I did not cry for the fallen men around us, though my heart did break for their loss, and I did not cry for the pain of my own wounds. I wept for my baby brother, my child, and the knowledge that he would die with their blood on his hands and he didn't even know why.

I have greeted death with open arms and I have been turned away.

I have lived ever day knowing that one day my brother's life will end, possibly by my own hand. Not to punish him for what he has done, but to free him from the suffering caused by those actions. And, when he is finally at rest, I will follow him because I know he fears being alone in the dark and I never want him to feel afraid again.

I have decided that until that day I will fill the void in my heart with good things in an effort to survive until then. I have friends who may not understand me, but accept me, love me, nonetheless. I have threatened them. I have tried to kill them. I have betrayed them. They will not let me leave. I asked why, one day, after my betrayal that almost cost them their lives. They will not blame me. Maybe they do understand.

Maybe.

I have wasted many hours trying to teach a lecherous monk the correct way to court a woman. I have been unsuccessful. I have also agreed to be his wife because I have begun to understand him. His hands will wander, but his heart never will. I have never told him that, despite my better judgment, I have come to love him as I have never loved another man. He has never said that he loves me, even when he asked me to live with him and bear his children. To speak such confessions at this time would bring about only heartache for I cannot rest until I know that my brother will live and that my family has been avenged. Yet my heart yearns to tell him and I wake each day with those sweet words on my lips, knowing that if I do not say them, he may never know for we cannot be sure how many more sunsets we will have together. And yet they remain unsaid.

I have also learned great patience.

I have lost much, but I have gained in its place. I lost one family only to be adopted into one that is smaller and much more dysfunctional that the first, but just as important. I lost one home, but I have gained another. My home is where my friends are. It always will be.

I am Sango. I am the daughter of a village headman and a beautiful woman whom I barely knew. I am the elder sister of Kohaku. I am a taijiya, raised from birth in the art of daemon slaying, weapon making and purifying youkai remains. For centuries my people have guarded the tomb of Midoriko, creator of the Shikon no Tama. I now help protect the guardress of the Tama while we search for shards and battle the shape changer Naraku who has managed to reek havoc on all of our lives.

I am the taijiya, Sango. I was never taught how to be a wife, but I have agreed to be the wife and the mother to the children of a hentai houshi whose infatuation with the female species is beyond infuriating.

I am the taijiya, Sango. I have been adopted into a pack where I have become elder sister to a miko from the future and a hanyou who has more in common with me than even he can fathom. I have become the aunt to a kitsune cub. I have become a granddaughter to an elderly miko who, until our appearance and like myself, had not family.

I am the taijiya, Sango. I have, despite the pain and hardships, faced my fears and I am happy. I have decided that if I had to loose my family and my friends and everything that I have ever known, I will be thankful that I was able to come across people such as those who have embraced me with open arms.

I am Sango, the taijiya, last of my village.

I am Sango.