This is so nice of you, Sesshoumaru-sama!Jaken and I haven't had any time alone together since... why, since the twins were born!I really appreciate you agreeing to babysit.Oh - if Sess sprouts his hind legs while we're gone, make sure you take him out of the water basin. He's got gills and lungs, and it's about time that lazy boy learns how to use both.This is so nice of you, Sesshoumaru-sama! she cried, and started all over again.

Sesshoumaru had a feeling he could keel over and die (which sounded like a nicer and nicer option every day) and she'd still talk on uninterrupted.

- -

Well, we're just about ready to head out - Sesshoumaru-sama? May I have a word with you?

Sesshoumaru was silent. Rin took the liberty of interpreting this as a Rin said, fiddling with her hair nervously. It's... about Jaken.

Sesshoumaru immediately turned around and took a step away from her. Making sure a hoard of hanyou didn't kill themselves for an evening (and, if they did, there was always Tenseiga) was one thing, but he was most definitely NOT going to stand there and listen to whatever it was she had to say about his minion.

Rin tucked the strand of hair behind her ear and looked downcast, falling silent. Inwardly, Sesshoumaru grimaced. Rin was only silent when something was very, VERY wrong. Sesshoumaru swore. He should have killed her a long time ago - no, he should have never resurrected her in the first place. This was all Tenseiga's fault. No, it was all her fault for feeding him. No, it was all Inuyasha's fault for putting him in such a state in the first place. It was definitely Inuyasha's fault. He'd have to make him pay for it later.

Against better judgment and all logic, Sesshoumaru turned back around.

Rin brightened, slightly. Sesshoumaru-sama, have you noticed Jaken acting... differently? Short and to the point. Well, that was mostly painless. Now maybe she would leav-

Are you sure?

Damn, he got his hopes up to soon. Well, the thing is... Rin said, drawing it out and blushing a little. He's been... distant, lately.

Sesshoumaru wondered idly if he melted his face off, would it get rid of the mental images?

Do... do you think Jaken's been unfaithful?

Sesshoumaru decided that, no, there was no way he could scrub the image out of his mind. And, dammit, she was giving him that look that meant she wanted him to fix things. Sesshoumaru cleared his throat.

Rin looked skeptical. he repeated firmly. Rin brightened.

Oh - I'm sure you're right, Sesshoumaru-sama! I feel so much better!

What was he supposed to say? Never ask me that again'? I long for the time when I was able to sleep at night'? Oh - and I called your brother and his friends to come over and help you with the kids.Gotta go! I'll see you tonight, Sesshoumaru-sama! she cried, grabbing Jaken by the collar and sprinting off. Sesshoumaru seethed.

Oh yes, Inuyasha would definitely pay for this.

- -

What're their names? Inuyasha asked, eyeing the swarm of knee-high hanyou.

Sess, Sesshou - no, that's Sessho, that's Sesshou - Sesshomuri, Sesshoumari, Fluffy Jr., Sessh, Sesshomura, Sessa... dammit, where's Moko-moko?

Inuyasha was staring at him. So were his human pets. Sesshoumaru scowled; they were acting like he was the weird one. He was quite obviously the victim here - at least, it was obvious to him. Really, where had he went wrong? He'd ignored them, smacked Jaken around, and sent them on regular death marches, just like any other responsible guardian would. He'd given them everything they could have possibly wanted - he'd even fed them on occasion. What reason could they possibly have had to seek comfort in each other?

He didn't understand it at all.

Inuyasha finally cleared his throat and spoke. Ya know, Sesshoumaru, those too might be a tad fixated. Just a hunch. Remember, if they ever ask you to participate in a threesome, Just Say No.

Sesshoumaru glared at him.

Unless you enjoy it...

Inuyasha was going to DIE.

- -

Miraculously, Sesshoumaru made it through the evening without killing anyone. He thought he should get a medal, at least. He had showed true strength of will and unparalleled restraint.

Even when the hanyou had decided playing hide-and-go-seek in his fluff was a good idea.

Especially when the hanyou had decided playing hide-and-go-seek in his fluff was a good idea. He'd like to see a saint put up with that.

They're so cuuuuute, the girl in the skirt (whatever her name was) said. Sesshoumaru had to wonder if they were looking at the same group of brats. Everyone was a chaotic blend of human and frog traits. Some had green skin, some white; some had hair, some of them were bald; one had a beak and two had tails, while four had bulging eyes and one truly unfortunate kid had one normal eye and one bulging eye. They had anywhere from two to seven fingers on each hand. They were, quite frankly, the ugliest group of brats Sesshoumaru had ever laid eyes on.

Then again, she was in Inuyasha's proximity of her own free will. Perhaps she was blind. That would certainly explain a lot.

- -

When Rin and Jaken returned, the sun had long set and Sess, Sessho, Sesshou, Sesshomuri, Sesshoumari, Fluffy Jr., Sessh, Sesshomura, Sessa, and Moko-moko had all dropped off to sleep. Sesshoumaru had managed - just barely - to not smother them all to death.

They'd been smiling, but when Jaken got close enough to Inuyasha and his humans, he broke out into a cold sweat. Wha-what are you doing here! Rin suddenly burst out in a wild sob. Oh! I knew it! Oh, Jaken, how could you?Now, Rin, I-I'm sorry! Sango cried out, breaking down into her own sobs.

Miroku's eyes widened. Sa...Sango? You?I'm... I'm sorry, Houshi-sama. But I couldn't resist his reptilian charms!This is actually a relief... he said, a still smile creeping onto his face. It makes what I am about to tell you much easier...

Sango's sobs subsided, and she looked up at him in surprise. You too?My lovely wife, did you really believe my excuse of slipping out to exorcise the same house every other morning?

She laughed, a little. Did you really believe I was polishing Hiraikotsu every evening? she teased.

Rin's eyes were wide. she licked her lips, looking apologetic. I'd thought it was you, Kagome-sama. Kagome said with a nervous little laugh and a wave of her hand. Er, about that. You see...

Inuyasha stared at her. Inuyasha, I swear I was going to tell you! And I'm sorry! But I couldn't help it! Jaken is so, so...

Inuyasha scoffed. Keh. It's about time you said something, women - I thought I was the only one.

Kagome's expression brightened. Keh. Yeah.Oh! How long?Well, Naraku was killed sixteen years ago, so... eighteen years.Inuyasha, you were still sealed eighteen years ago.Well, yeah, but there were a few times before that, and then once while I was still sealed he-Excuse me, Rin interrupted, holding her head in her hands. I want a show of hands. How many of you have slept with my husband?

Sango, Miroku, Kagome, and Miroku all put their hands into the air guiltily. Shippou looked back and forth between them before sheepishly raising his hand as well. He nudged Kirara and she, with get reluctance, raised a paw.

Sesshoumaru's mouth was hanging open. He didn't care if it made him look like a simpleton. He didn't care if it was bad breeding or improper manners. If ever there was a time to gape in his lifetime, this was it.

Rin turned back to Jaken, teary-eyed. Who else?Rin, darling-WHO ELSE! she shouted, and for a sweet young woman that smiled all the time, she sure could yell loudly. And where had she picked up the tendency to snarl when she was angry?

Jaken continued to sweat profusely. Uh... well, there was Kikyou. Inuyasha cried, speechless (despite having just spoken).

And Kohaku...

Sango looked scandalized.

Kanna, Kaede, Toutousai, Kouga- Oh, Rin, you have to forgive me!Forgive you! she cried, hysterical. I don't care about that!You... you don't?I can bare it, as long as... oh, Jaken! she cried, wringing her hands. As long as it wasn't Sesshoumaru-sama! Please, tell me you didn't, not with... We agreed we would share him!No, not him, Jaken said, though he clearly wished otherwise.

Oh, praise Buddha! she cried, relieved.

HAVE YOU ALL LOST YOUR MINDS! HE'S A FUCKING FROG!With a two-headed staff that ignites, Miroku said, clearly envious.

You're just jealous all the women that show an interest in you evaporate, Inuyasha said dismissively.

Rin cried, clearly alarmed. Why are you ripping your hair out!

-END-

: And everyone agreed to share him, because it would be a true crime against humanity to deprive
anyone of Jaken's raw sex appeal. After all, no one can resist the toad - except Sesshoumaru, but
then, he's always been weird. That's what you get after centuries of inbreeding. :