The Tale of the Fair Ogress and the Puss in Boots

A Sailor Moon/Shrek fusion or something

Principally pairing Michiru/Haruka, but everybody's there

Disclaimer and AN combo: This is a Sailor moon x Shrek shoujo-ai fanfiction. I do not own any of these characters, much to my annoyance... The following plot is mine though. However, it is influenced by several popular European fairy tales ('The Puss in Boots' and 'Donkey Pelt' of Charles Perrault, 'Snow White' of J. & W. Grimm, 'The Little Matches Seller' of Hans Christian Andersen and 'The Beauty and the Beast' of Madame Leprince de Beaumont). Also, Fiore is here freely inspired from the Cardinal Richelieu in 'The Four Musketeers' of Alexandre Dumas - I hope I didn't mess with the translations - And of course, 'No woman, no cries' is a Bob Marley song (I apologize in advance to any Jamaican reader for the cliché image, but I don't know any famous Dutch song. And I don't approve of drug consumption of course – wag a finger reproachfully while smirking – and neither should you...). Don't sue me, I just do this for entertainment and don't earn any money out of it, I have already enough debts as it is...

I was on the shoujo ai forum when I saw the topic 'What was your twistiest idea for a fanfic 'til now', or something like that. At the time, apart from my 'Setsuna's advice', I was out of really good ideas, since I was more in a heroic-fantasy drawing mood lately. So I didn't answer. But, something like thirty minutes later, the idea of a SM/Shrek crossover struck me. Very hard! Look, look! It's still open! Does someone have some Band-Aid? It's not like I have something against chibi-blood-geysers, but they tend to be rather messy. If only I knew how to do black sausages... Anyway, after thirty other minutes or so, I had figured almost every characters and bits of the story assaulted my damaged mind (I take advantage of this little moment to say that, no, I don't take any illegal substance and consume the legal ones quite reasonably, my insanity is 100 natural, I think...). So, even though I'm usually not a very big fan of crossovers, I was laughing evilly by myself while getting home for dinner... Sorry to take so long, on with the story. Please, review! Me love reviews!

Warning! Major OOC!

Prologue: Condition

An imposing shadow fell on a mirror hanging on the wall. Quite low on the wall, actually. A swirling smoke was dancing into it, creating mystical patterns. «O mirror, magic mirror! I summon you!» The loud and self-important voice of the shadow's owner rang in the vast and richly decorated room.

"... No woman, no cries, No woman, no criiies..." Was the only answer. A leather-gloved hand balled in a tight fist, crushed the delicate rose it was holding. Another similarly clothed hand grabbed a smaller hand mirror lying on a nearby oaken table. It handed the smaller mirror to the hooded, feminine figure that was patiently waiting behind the lord of the castle.

The hooded woman silently produced a diamond ring and began to cut the glass with swift, neat slashes.

Another female figure promptly appeared in the magic mirror. The lady was crushing her hands on her ears, her eyes tightly shut, as if in great pain. A bohemian dress clung loosely to her gorgeous body and revealed a generous cleavage while a simple leather belt hugged her thin waist. Her skin was of the most appetizing mocha. She had long dark hair with green huesOnce again, the lord and his executioner inwardly wondered if it could actually be due to some muss, dreadlocks weren't exactly known for being sterile...

The music stopped as she yelled. "STOP THAT! You monster! I can hear it scream! Stop dammit! Oh man..."

The lord smirked, but held up a hand to stop the executioner. The mirror entity opened her startling red eyes to glare at him. Still smiling, he leaned his handsome face closer to the mirror, his feature clearly promising a hell of inventive tortures. She had to avert her eyes first.

"Okay, okay, so waddya want man?" She asked, defeated.


"Oh, alright! Of what help may I be to you, my lord?"

"That's better. Remember that you are here only to serve me. I expect you not to make me wait when I call you, Setsuna. Time is flying and I have other matters to attend to! My precious roses are waiting for me, for instance."

Behind him, the executioner rolled her eyes and Setsuna barely suppressed the urge to imitate her. Instead, she bowed deeply, successfully hiding her face from her lord. "I apologize, prince Endymion. This will not be repeated."

"Good, good. Now, let's talk business. I need you to help me find a woman!"

At this, Setsuna quickly straightened up, here eyes widening. "WHAT? Did something happen to Fiore?"

"No, no..." He answered, slightly irritated. "The Royal Gardener and Cardinal is fine. He was actually most pleased when I offered him a dozen bags of the finest fertilizer for his birthday two days ago." He smiled at the memory of his own present for this. "Anyway, my mother sent me a letter, I have one month to marry a woman if I want to inherit. The damn rich hag! So, I need to find some princess, you know, to dust the castle, take care of the brat..."

"Oh..." Was Setsuna's rather stupid answer. "Man, you're in big trouble!" She fished a small cone of paper filled with aromatic herbs in her dreadlocks, stuck it in her mouth, lit it up and sucked on it blissfully. Her face stretched in a smile that had a somewhat glazed, intemporal quality to it. "Let's see what I've got in store for you man!" And she blew a large amount of smoke, her figure disappearing, slowly clouded, as reggae music made itself heard again.

"Our first very lucky candidate is Queen Beryl!" The picture of a woman clad in red and black leather and expertly wielding an impressive whip appeared. "Very strong personality, a lot of land and devoted subjects. Very wealthy family too. However, her previous husbands never seemed to last very long..."

"Oh? How many times did she get married?" Endymion asked curiously.

"About fifty-eight times, officially. Her last husband died two weeks ago."

'Why did she have to say it so cheerfully?' The young lord visibly paled. "Hum, I don't think that such a beautiful lady needs to be bothered with another wedding, she must still be in mourning."

"Rriiight! Next in line is Princess Makoto." A new picture replaced the previous one.

"Hey! I know her! She kicked my butt when I... Hum! Anyway, I can't possibly marry her. What would I look like standing beside such a giant, the whole court will mock me!" Not to mention that she promised him she would impale him if they ever met again, he added mentally.

"I heard you say to the Royal Gardener that size didn't matter..." The executioner cheerfully piped in, surprising the other two, who had completely forgotten about her.

The prince turned around and glared at his newest employee. "You are dismissed, young Hotaru. You may go and torture some rebels..."

The executionerbowed and left the room quietly under the icy glare of her lord, not without mumbling something about trying to be helpful though. In the mirror dimension, Setsuna was tearing her guts apart with laughter. She just had the time to recompose herself before Endymion turned back to her.

"Okay, then our last candidate is princess Minako." The new picture that formed in the mirror was truly enchanting. Breathtaking, in fact. The blonde was the most beautiful woman the prince had ever laid his eyes upon. Her own baby blue eyes were captivating. She carried herself with grace and elegance, she was perfect. "Her kingdom is also extremely rich and she is said to hold the key of a tremendous power!" By now, the young prince was over the moon. "But she has been kidnapped by a fearsome dragon and is now held captive in a dark castle. Every attempt to free her has been met by a fatal issue." This last comment brought him back crashing on Earth.

"Oh well, it can't be helped then... Anyone else?"

"No, sorry. We have some trouble with the princess factory..."

Endymion sighed. "Then I shall appoint a worthy champion for this most honorable quest. Any suggestion?"

"Err, man, you certainly have the best army of gardeners, but I doubt that any of them would succeed..."

"There must be someone able to take on this dragon though! This is a fairy tale, for god's sakes! Anyone would do!"

"Well, in that case, there IS someone..."