Secrets, Lies, and Open Flies…
Summary- what happens when Phoebe finds out that Chris really isn't Piper and Leo's son? What if Leo was gay? Read on to find out.
(By far the funniest story ever told.) It's rated M or R because it has a lot of cussing and some slight sexual references. It's a Dramady- Comedy/Drama.
Disclaimer-okey-dokey I don't own Charmed, or anything in relation with Charmed, so PLEASE don't sue me. I'm too young to go to jail…I don't own the Twilight Zone either. Dammit I wish I owned Charmed! Or better yet, the worlds' biggest bucket of KFC… That would be so cool! P.S, I don't own The Crypt Keeper either. (Starts to cry.)
This sucks I don't get to own anything! Except for this shoe that's on my left foot, I don't know where I got the right one. It still had a foot in it when I found it though…
The following story doesn't necessarily reflect the views of the station, it's management, or any of the other crazy people that occupy the small void that is my extremely disturbed brain. Enjoy!
Me: Welcome to my world. Tonight we hear of a man with many secrets. One of which he has been hiding from his so-called 'aunt' another which will shock (and hopefully not excite) you. This could only happen in a place called, The Twilight Zone. (Eerie music plays and you see The Crypt Keeper playing the piano. He looks at the camera and smiles.)
Crypt Keeper: "Hello kitties. I'll be talking now and then just so you know I'm watching you!" (He does that creepy laugh,)"Aaaahhaahaha!"
Chapter: numero uno.
(Kitchen, Piper is sitting at the table sad, and Phoebe walks in. Her usual peppy self.)
Phoebe: "Hey Piper what's wrong?" (She pours herself some coffee, but the cup overflows and scalds her hand.) "Ooh damn, shit, crap that burns!"
Phoebe: "Excuse me? Do you want some?"
Piper: "Sorry Phoebes. But I need your help, please."
Phoebe: "No arguments here." (Piper slaps her on the back of the head.)
"Watch it. Things finally got better now that bitchy Prue is gone, let's keep it that way."
Piper: (In a winy voice.) "I think Leo's cheating on me!"
Phoebe: (Thinking) Huh, I don't blame him. Piper won't do anything interesting in the sack. (Talking) "Oh sweetie I'm sure that's not true. Why do you think that?"
(Paige walks in and sits down.)
Paige: "Think what?"
Phoebe: "Nothing you little horse-fucking son of a bitch."
Paige: "Alright, no need to be so hostile. Just cuz you ain't been getting no cock since Cole left you."
Phoebe: "Bitch, Cole didn't leave me, you hags made me vanquish him!" (Kicks Paige in the shin. Paige throws more coffee on Phoebe. Piper Whistles.)
Piper: "Okay can you two stop bitching and help me with my problems?"
Paige: "That could take years. I have to be at work soon."
Piper: "Bite me. Anyway I think Leo's cheating on me because usually when he gets home all he wants to is screw or eat. Lately it's been more eating. Do you think he's being unfaithful guys?"
Paige: "Well it's obvious isn't it? I mean usually all I hear in there is, (In a manly voice.) "C'mon Piper, it won't hurt a bit, I swear." Or; "Please Piper, I promise I won't disrespect you by calling you a cock-sucker, I promise!"
Phoebe: (laughs) "Yea, I'm gonna have to agree with Paige on that one. I'm sorry Piper but you're just too bland."
Piper: "Bland? You just wait till Leo gets back I'm gonna give him the ride of his life!"
(Phoebe and Paige look at each other and laugh hysterically.)
Paige: "Okay Piper, whatever, Oh thanks for the pick-me-up. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. I gotta go." (She orbs out still laughing.)
(Piper looks at Phoebe sadly.)
Phoebe: "Oh c'mon Piper, you know Leo loves you and would never cheat. Besides if he did you could just blow off his dick!" (Phoebe starts laughing again. Leo walks in.)
Leo: "Hey Piper," (He kisses her.) "What's for breakfast?"
Piper: "I am, let's go upstairs and I'll give you the best sex ever!" (She starts to walk out but Leo sits down.) "What's wrong?"
Leo: "Sorry sweetie, I'm kinda tired, maybe later. Besides it's only 10am."
(Chris walks in wiping his mouth and tucking in his shirt.)
Chris: "Hey Leo, hey guys."
(Phoebe looks at Chris suspiciously.)
Phoebe: "Where have you been?"
Chris: (glances uneasily at Leo.) "Oh you know, nowhere in particular. Whitelighter business. You know, very hush hush. Okay that was fun. I have to go. Leo I'll see you later for our…um…"
Leo: "For-our- Whitelighter lessons." (Leo fills in quickly.)
Chris: "Yea Whitelighter lessons." (Piper and Phoebe look at them strangely.) "Leo's showing me some tricks to being a Whitelighter, so I can get another charge." (He waves and orbs out.)
Piper: "Okay what the hell is up with you two all of a sudden?"
Leo: "Well you said we should get along and that's exactly what we're doing." (His eyes shift back and forth.) "Hey where's Wyatt?"
Phoebe: "He's in the conservatory."
Leo: "I'm going to go check on him." (He quickly gets up and leaves.)
Piper: "Something's up with them."
Phoebe: "You're probably just over-reacting. Maybe they really are trying to get along. Well I'm gonna go now." (She starts to leave.)
Piper: "Where could you possibly have to go, do you have a client today? I thought they usually came here?" (Piper laughs and Phoebe flips her off and leaves.)
Me: "Okay, this is kinda boring so far. What do you think CK?" (I turn and CK is eating KFC.)
Crypt Keeper: "CK? Who the fuck is CK?" (He throws the bucket at me.)
Me: "Well- you are. I'm not gonna say Crypt Keeper every time I want to get your attention."
CK: "If you don't I'll sic my army of pork rind-eating-minions on yo ass!"
Me: "What minions? You're like 1000 years old and anyone who ever watches you ends up dead or fat."
CK: "Why do you have to ruin the moment? People feared me until you told every one that I like flowers. It's over!"
Me: Uh actually I didn't say that you like flowers, you did."
CK: "What?" (Turns to cameraman.) "Burn this tape and I'll give you quarters, everybody likes quarters! Quarters will make everything all better!"
Me: "Will you shut the hell up! It's time to start again."
(Piper walked into the conservatory and found Leo sitting with Wyatt.)
Piper: "Hey," (She sits down.)
Piper: "Leo I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to tell me the truth. Are you cheating on me with another woman?"
Leo: "Maybe we should put Wyatt in his room before we do this."
Piper: "No, he can stay. Now tell me."
Leo: "Okay, um yes and no."
Piper: "What do you mean 'yes and no'? Which is it Leo?"
Leo: "Piper please don't hurt me. I am cheating on you, but it isn't with another woman…" (Leo quickly shields his face.)
Leo: "You're taking this rather well."
(Thinking) It's only because Wyatt's here. Thank God for kids.
(Talking) "P-Piper I'm sorry but that's just the way it is."
Piper: "Who is he-do I know him?"
Leo: "Yes, very well actually. I'm not going to tell you because you'll kill him."
Piper: "Oh believe me if I ever find out who he is I'm going to something much worse then kill him!" (She takes Wyatt from him.)
"Get away from him you cock-sucker, you might rub your queer off on him!" (Piper walks out, leaving Leo happy to still be in one piece.)
Voice: "Well did you tell her?"
Leo: "Yea, I told her, but she doesn't know it's you yet so I suggest you keep as far away from here as possible. Piper's gonna be blowing-up every guy that walks through that front door."
Voice: "Okay but are we still on for tonight?"
Leo: "I think so, but I may have to rent a room because Piper's not going to want me here."
Voice: "Fine, I have to go. I'm missing a sale down in China Town." (Disappears,)
CK: (Yawns,) "MY GOD! This story is more boring then watching Oprah. Our conversations are better than this piece of shit story. What's wrong with you?"
Me: "Go suck an egg, if anyone's still reading this then they're clearly interested."
CK: "Or maybe they're looking for a painful way of killing themselves." (Starts to laugh.) "That's good, I should write that one down. (Starts writing down last stupid comment.)
Me: "Why did I even ask you to help me host? I could've had anyone! Captain Crunch, The Doughboy, any of those freaky food icons. But NOOO, I gotta have King of the Dead! In fact I think I'm gonna get someone else out here. How about Prue?"
CK: "No, please not Satan! I'll be good I promise!" (Gets on his hands and knees and starts to cry.)
Me: "Where's your dignity man? She doesn't bite, much…"
(Prue walks out and throws CK out of his chair and sits down.)
"Prue why'd you have to do that?"
Prue: "I wanted this seat. Now what was all this about me being Bitchy?"
Me: (In a nervous voice.) What do you mean? I never called you Bitchy."
Prue: "The hell you didn't. Do you want me to leave or what?"
Me: "No, but I would like you to stop screwing our cameraman."
Prue: (Stands up and buttons her pants.) "Sorry, look I have to go trade some kid's soul for a concert ticket in an hour so can we move this along here? What are we talking about?"
Me: "Okey dok, well Leo was just telling Piper how he was gay. Pretty good, huh?"
Prue: "I knew it! It was so obvious he was gay, I thought I was just going crazy because I was scared Phoebe would find out I was sleeping with Cole."
Me: "Ya know, I should be surprised that you said that, but strangely I'm not in the least. Ok back to the story."
Piper: (She is putting Wyatt in his crib and Leo walks in.)
"What do you want, Queer Bait?"
Leo: "Piper would you stop with the jokes already? You don't hear me sayin' 'Oh watch out here comes Turkey thighs, make way!' So lay off the gay jokes ok?"
Piper: "Whatever, I should have guessed something was wrong with you when I met you. With my luck with men I should be grateful you're not a demon. Do the Elders even allow gay Whitelighters?"
Leo: (Sighs,) "Oh please Piper it's not like you don't keep any secrets from me!"
Piper: "Of course I do! But none of them measure up to that one! The biggest secret I've ever kept from you was that I faked it a couple of times."
Leo: "You what? You're lying!"
Piper: "Wanna bet?" (Starts making all kinds of erotic noises.) "See?"
(Wyatt looks at them, confused.)
Leo: "So you're a good actress, I'll give you that. But that can't be the biggest secret you've ever hid from me."
Piper: "I'm serious, that's it." (Looks at Wyatt uneasily.)
Leo: "Seriously Piper, I'm gay not stupid!"
Piper: "Ok, I'll tell you. But I don't want you crying and shit. Umm…a…"
Leo: "Dammit woman would you hurry it up!"
Piper: "You're not Wyatt's father!" (She covers her face.)
Leo: Wha… How… Ah…who is he?"
Piper: "I'm not going to tell you because you'll kill him. Or probably give him a blow-job! (Slightly laughing.) Kinda funny isn't it? That's basically the same reaction I gave you earlier. So I guess we're even now, huh?"
Leo: Even, Even? Piper you just told me the boy that I thought was my son for two years isn't even my son! This isn't even close to what I told you! This changes everything!"
Piper: N-No it doesn't. I wasn't even gonna give you visitation rights after we broke up!"
Leo: "What now we're broken up? Do you have anymore horrible secrets you'd like to share, or should I guess?"
Piper: "Of course we're broken up. We can't both like guys. It's just not natural!"
Leo: "You're not natural!"
Piper: "Oh that's real mature! Just get your' big gay flabby ass out of here before I blow it up!"
Leo: "Fine, I'll just come back for my stuff!" (He orbs out.)
Me: "Man this is getting interesting. Isn't it Prue? Prue?"
(Prue is flirting with the cameraman, again!)
Me: "For the love of God Prue! Control yourself. He's married!"
Prue: "I don't care, I'm desperate. Now what were you blabbing about?"
Me: (Annoyed,) "I was asking what you thought of the story so far."
Prue: "I've heard better. Hell, I've thrown-up better!"
Me: "Geez, I was right to call you a bitch. I'm kinda starting to miss CK. But you had to go and kill him!"
Prue: "Get over it. He was boring."
Me: "I don't care he was still better than you! Let's see, who's your mortal enemy?"
Prue: "What makes you so sure I even have one?"
(Laughs,) Me: "Prue, I'm even deliberating on whether or not to kill you. And I don't hate anyone!"
Prue: "Fine I'll shut-up."
Me: "Do you want a dog biscuit?"
Prue: "Do you want me to kick your ass?"
(Piper is sitting in her room folding clothes when she hears a voice.)
Voice: "Did you tell him?"
Piper: "I told him, but he wasn't too happy about it. I mean deep down he's still the straight-Leo I married. I still love him."
Voice: "It doesn't matter. The damage has been done. There's no going back now."
Piper: "Technically this is my fault. Unless Leo was fruity before I had Wyatt…"
Voice: "Oh trust me he was."
Piper: "How do you know that?" (Piper looks all around but can't see where the voice is coming from.)
Voice: "Never mind, I gotta go. Are we still on for tonight?"
Piper: Not tonight, I'm just not in the mood."
(The voice disappears.)
(Cut to The Bay Mirror, Phoebe is working on her computer, And by working, I mean playing games. She is also watching a TV Psychic give bad readings.)
Phoebe: (Singing) "And this piece is connected to that piece, and that piece is connected to this piece, and that's how you play Tetris." (She loses.) (Talking) "Oh shit, that's not fair! Wait, whom am I talking to?" (She looks at the TV.) "I guess I was talking to you, Crazy Psychic Lady!"
(On the screen Cole appears where the lady was. He's messing with tarot cards casually.)
Cole: "Hello Phoebe, I'm back."
Phoebe: "But how, I thought I vanquished you."
Cole: "You did, and it hurt like a bitch mind you, but I'm over that. So I need your help getting me out of purgatory."
Phoebe: "I don't think that's such a good idea, after all, we wouldn't have vanquished you if we didn't have a reason."
Cole: "Phoebe, you have to believe me, I'm not that demon anymore. Please help me so we can be together."
Phoebe: (Sighs) "Okay, I will." (She goes up to the TV screen and kisses it just as Elise walks in.)
Elise: (Shocked) "Phoebe, what the hell are you doing? Are you drunk!"
(Phoebe pulls away from the screen only to see that it's the old, ugly, psychic lady.)
Phoebe: "Ah, Elise! No I'm not drunk, I was just-just-cleaning the screen. It's really dirty. We should fire the janitor." (Clears her throat and sits in her chair.)
Elise: (In dismay) "You were cleaning the TV screen…with-your-tongue?"
Phoebe: (Thinking) this is why you never French kiss a TV at work, especially if your boyfriends' in it. (Talking) "What do you want Elise? I'm kinda busy."
Elise: "Yes, cleaning television screens with your tongue. I can see you are extremely busy. Now do you have your column finished?"
Phoebe: (Proudly hands Elise her column.) "See, I think it's my best one yet!"
Elise: (Reading a entry aloud.) 'Dear Lonely in Los Altos, my advice is to put on a tight mini skirt and tube top and hit the clubs. If your husband doesn't think your wild enough he sure will when you come home with three guys!' "Phoebe, we can't print this. We'll get our asses sued! What's wrong with you? You're on drugs, aren't you? If you are, how come you didn't ask me to do them with you!"
Phoebe: "Elise I'm not on drugs. I just thought that my column should have a little more spice, ya know?"
"No, I don't know. Phoebe this isn't advice. This is-is a sexual harassment case! Ever since your boyfriend disappeared your advice has been all screwy, but dammit Phoebe, don't risk your career because you had a bad experience in love."
Phoebe: "Cole isn't gone, I saw him today. And I'm gonna go save him!"
(Phoebe stands up and walks out the door.)
Elise: (Mumbling) "Save him? Whoa, that must be some good pot."
Okay that's the end of the chapter. Pretty good if I do say so myself… 3 words people, READ & REVIEW! C'mon you can do it! If I get enough reviews chapter 2's gonna be really good… I might even get someone other than Prue to help. (Whispers) Between you and me, I think Piper and Phoebe hired Shax to kill her. Anyway all that crap bout dissing on gays. Forget about it! I got nothing against them. Some of my friends are gay or bi. And that drug reference doesn't mean I do drugs. I also have friends who do them. So R&R and PEACE BIATCHES!