A/N: Well, I've finally decided to get off my lazy ass and update all of my fics. My writer's block is finally over! I've also been very busy with school. Also- some of this chapter was inspired by a Futurama/Wizard of Oz, which means it's gonna be a long chapter, no one sue…
Chapter 11- Lifestyles of the Bitchy and Shameless
THE FINAL CHAPTER!- With special guest appearance by; Catherine Zeta Jones, because I think she's hot.
Disclaimer: I never owned any of this crap and would be crazy to say I did.
Me: "Well this is it, the end of my very first story."
Prue: "No! I don't want it to end!" (Starts to cry.)
Andy: "Why'd you change your mind?"
Prue: "I realized once this story ends, I'm out of a job!"
Barbas: "What about that comedy that you were doing for UPN?"
Prue: "I-I got kicked off before it even aired!" (Still crying)
Jenny: "Well can you blame em? I mean you screwed up the WB and UPN sucks on it's own…it doesn't need anymore help."
Me: (Agreeing with her yet I still slap her.) "Shut up!"
Jenny: "I haven't been able to get 3 sentences out since I can here! I got more lines when I was on that Syphilis commercial."
Dan: "And that's thanks to the fine writers over at the WB." (He does a thumbs-up to an imaginary camera.)
Prue: "How much did they pay you to say that?"
Dan: "Let's just say I'm the reason Charmed now has such a tight budget."
Me: "So it's your fault!" (I start choking him and rip out his hair. Barbas and Andy pull me off him. He starts crying.)
Barbas: "Hey, hey, calm down, you don't wanna end the story like this, do you?"
Me: (After regaining my composure.) "No, of course not. Let's start t-the story!"(I start to cry, Prue tries to hug me but I elbow her and hug Andy.)
It has now been a good six months since we last left off. Paige was dead, buried, and forgotten; Cole looked like a hot pregnant guy if I ever saw one; Phoebe had taken up smoking; Piper and Chris had somehow separated and were in the middle of a horrific yet hilarious love triangle with Leo; Prue and Gideon were being complete and total bitches; Conner was just…leaving. (I kick him back to his crappy show.); and the world was now at the mercy of Piper. But hey, what else is new? Oh and Phoebe and Cole were lil wusses and became evil.
Phoebe: "Wow, what an eventful year (10 chapters) this has been." (everyone nods)
(There's a loud splashing sound from the kitchen.)
Phoebe: "Omigod! Cole, did your water break?"
(Cole walks in.)
"Sorry, no, I just dropped my bottle of Mountain Dew. (He holds up the bottle and looks at some random spot.) "Do the Dew,"
Phoebe: "Gawd, don't scare me like that." (Cole walks back out.)
Me: "Wait!" (I get out of my chair.) "What the hell is up with all these ads?"
Prue: "We get paid 40 grand per promo, we just have to do a Taco Bell and Gap ad and we're good for two more chapters." (Looking proud until I shake my head.)
Me: "You fruits, we're not ending the story because of money."
Barbas: "We're not?"
Me: "No! And if we were I sure as Holly wouldn't promote Gap, they suck. We're actually ending because this story is old, I need to start something new, pursue other stories, and make fun of other gueststars/celebrities. I have a life outside this thing ya know!"
Jenny: (Muttering) "ha, barely."
Me: (really mad.) "Okay, I've tried to be nice to you, you annoying little ho bag, but you bug the crap outta me!" (I move my chair and open up a trapdoor. Revealing a pit full of water and some sharks with laser beams tied to their heads.)
Prue: "Wow, I thought you were never gonna use the birthday present I got you!"
Me: "See you in hell Jenny," (I push her in.)
Jenny: "Noooooooooo! Who would've thought my one weakness would be sharks with lasers?" (The sharks rip her to shreds and one shoots Dan in the butt before I close the door. I put my chair back and sit down.)
Chris: "Has anyone noticed that he's grown breasts?"
Prue: "Not till you said it!" (She punches him in the gut.)
Gideon: "Other than that, is anyone afraid of the imminent danger we're all in once Cole delivers baby Lucifer?"
Phoebe: (Muttering) "Baby Lucifer?" (She runs out of the room.) "Cole! I know what the baby's name is!"
Piper: "Actually, I've done some thinking. I don't think once the baby's born the world will end."
Leo: "What makes you say that?"
Piper: "Because we met our grandson…" (She looks around to see if anyone caught her idea.)
Chris: "…and he's important because?"
Piper: "Ugh, why do I bother with you people? If we met Conner that means the world must not have ended, which means something must've happened between now and two months from now to change the prophecy."
Leo: (Moves closer to her.) "I love it when you say stuff I don't understand."
Cole: (He and Phoebe just walked in.) "So you must've loved her for a while then, huh?"
Leo: "Shut up you cow!"
Cole: (Starts crying, turns to Phoebe.) "You said I still looked pretty!" (He runs off.)
Phoebe: "Hormones, god I need a cigarette." (She starts smoking.)
Chris: "Those things will kill you ya know?"
Phoebe: "No, these are cloves." (Whatever the hell those are.)
Piper: (Takes it from her.) "No it's not, this is a joint! You've been holding out on me!"
Phoebe: "Lies!" (She tries to take it back but Piper burns her then starts smoking it.)
(She blazes for awhile then finally passes out.)
(The room fades out in a dizzy effect then changed to Piper lying over her bed. Everything is now in black-and-white; Piper's wearing a short blue dress with her hair in pigtails.)
(Piper wakes up groggily and sees Kit on the bed next to her.)
Piper: "Wow, how long was I out?"
Kit: "An hour…I-I mean, Meow."
Piper: "That's what I thought." (She stands and picks Kit up and looks out the window. The house is sinking into the ground.) "Oh, no! We must be having an earthquake! I wonder where everyone else is." (She shakes off the thought when she sees someone pass her window.)
(Robert Englund is for some reason riding by on a bike.)
Piper: "Omigod, Gammil!"
Gammil: "One-two Freddy's comin for you…" (He morphs into Freddy Kruger.)
(She screams and tries to blow him up, but of course, her powers don't work. Freddy rides away and the house passes a few more layers of dirt. Then Judy Garland appears.)
Dorothy: "That's right bitch, get out of my movie!" (Dorothy disappears and the house suddenly shakes and Piper is thrown into the wall.)
Piper: "Ow," (She picks up Kit and walks to her bedroom door and opens it. The new scene is in bright color; it looks like one of the guys from Queer Eye designed it. She steps out of her room and onto some yellow brick road.) "I have a feeling we're not in San Francisco anymore Kit." (A bunch of midgets walk out, all in really fruity clothes.) "Or maybe we are."
(A fat little bald dude walks up to her. He's the mayor.)
Mayor: (In a high voice) "Who the hell are you?"
Piper: "I'm Piper Halliwell. Who the hell are you, and where the hell am I?"
Mayor: "I'm the Mayor, and you're in Oz."
Piper: (looks around uncertainly.) "The prison?"
(All the Munchkins giggle.)
Mayor: "We wish," (Winks at Piper.) "How did you get here?"
Piper: "I don't know I was hoping you could tell me."
Mayor: "Well it doesn't matter how you got here, but in the process you killed the Wicked Witch of the West Side." (He flashes some weak-ass gang sign, so does everyone else.)
Piper: "Excuse me?"
Mayor: "Oh yes, the Wicked Witch of the West Side has been torturing us for years, eating all the Special K, hiding the remote, really sick shit." (He points behind Piper. She turns around and there is a pair of legs sticking out from under the house. )
Piper: "Ooh, that had to hurt."
Mayor: "Oh I think it's time for a song." (Everyone cheers.)
Everyone: (In really high voices.) "Ding-dong the bitch is dead. Which old bitch? The wicked bitch! Ding-dong the wicked bitch is dead!" (They all stop, one of them even starts smoking.)
Piper: "That's it?"
Mayor: "If we sing one more verse we have to pay for that song."
(Suddenly blue and white lights appear and in them is Paige. She's wearing a tight pink one-piece, pink high-heeled boots up to her knee, and more make-up then Marilyn Manson.)
Piper: "Let me guess, you're supposed to be Gelinda?"
Paige: "Who? No, I'm Rose, the Good Witch of the North Side, and you just killed my sister Prue; she was an evil lil biatch…"
Piper: "Ya I got that, look, how do I get home?"
Rose: "There will be plenty of time for that later, but now, we have entertainment!" (She claps her hands and little Chris, little Wyatt, and little Andy walk out in short-shorts and carrying big lollipops.)
Wyatt (Singing) "We are very pleased to meet you."
Andy: (Singing) "And very pleased to greet you."
Chris: (Singing) "With this song."
All: (Singing, they start swaying) "We represent, the copyrighted-version-of-the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, and in the name of the copyrighted-version-of- the Lollipop Guild, we welcome you to Munchkin Land." (Wyatt hands her a lollipop then the three of them back up and little Prue, Piper, and Phoebe walk up in pink tutus and sing some crap in a really high pitched voices then dance off.)
Piper: "My whole family needs therapy…Can you please help me get home?"
Rose: "I can't, I'm just here for looks, but I can help you get to someone who can." (She pulls out a magic wand with a star on top and waves it at Prue's feet and her shoes disappear and reappear on Piper's feet. Prue's feet shrivel up.)
Piper: (Shudders) "Why'd you change my shoes?" (She's now wearing some really tight looking DC shoes.)
Paige: "Because you can't walk in Gucci's." (Piper looks at Rose's shoes; they're now Piper's old ones.) "So you just follow this yellow brick road here to the Warloc-I mean Wizard and he'll get you home."
Piper: "Why can't you just orb me to him?"
Rose: "I'm not a cosmic taxi, besides; I don't want cat hair all over my dress." (Motions to Kit who is being cornered by some Munchkins, who are holding forks and knives and drooling.)
Piper: "Hey! Get you're midgets away from my cat!" (She scoops Kit up.)
Rose: "The word 'midget' is politically incorrect. They preferred to be called 'lil peoples'…" (Piper looks at a lil person who looks all gangsta.)
Gangster: "Ya, and if you don't call us that then I cut yo ass ho!" (Piper kicks him like a football and he goes flying.) "I regret nootttthhhhiiiinnnggg!"
(All the little people start to mutter angrily.)
Rose: "Get her!" (All of them start chasing her. They get half a mile then they tire out.)
(Piper's now walking down the road and comes across a scarecrow dressed as a prostitute hitting on the crows. And guess who it is? Freebie.)
Phoebe: "Huh? No, I'm not Phoebe, I'm the Hocrow."
Hocrow: "Yea, my job is to seduce guys, but I'm not very smart, so I can't think of anything to do to get them."
Piper: "I know I'm gonna regret this later but…do you want to come with me to see the Warloc-I mean Wizard? I'm going to ask him to send me home, or maybe to Julian McMahon's house and you can ask him for a brain."
Hocrow: "Really? Wait, is the Warloc-I mean Wizard hot?"
Piper: "I don't know we'll just have to wait and see." (They start walking.) "Oh, I'm Piper by the way, and this is my cat Kit."
Hocrow: "Kit cat? That's stupid."
Piper: "I know, my retarded little sister Phoebe picked the name."
Hocrow: "Well as you know, my name's Hocrow, and this is my Double D rack." (Motions to her chest, which is entirely made up of straw.)
(They walk for about 10 minutes the come across a Tin Man (Cole), he's not moving.)
Hocrow: "Wow, he's hot…" (Now would be a very good time to make a joke about him being stiff, but I'm going to take the high road and not say anything.)
Piper: "He looks like he could use a little oil." (They look around.)
Hocrow: "How about this?" (She hands Piper a bottle of KY, which Hocrow seemed to pull out of her ass.)
Piper: "Sure, why not?" (She puts some of it on him, Cole starts to move around.)
Cole: "Oh, thank you so much, it started to rain, and I was too dumb to go into the shack across the street so I rusted."
Piper: "So I can see you don't have a brain either."
Cole: "Watch it bitch,"
Hocrow: "That's not very nice, Piper helped you."
Cole: "Bite me,"
Piper: "Hey! Don't be so heartless!"
Cole: I can't! I don' have a heart!"
Hocrow: "Well you could come with us to see the Warloc- I mean Wizard, I'm going to ask him for a brain so I can hit on guys, she's going to ask him to get her home, and you could ask him for a heart."
Cole: "I guess; I don't have anything better to do but taunt the occasional passing Munchkin."
Piper: "Little person,"
Cole: "Whatever," (So they all start walking again. Actually Phoebe's skipping more than she is walking.)
(In some castle, Catherine Zeta Jones is standing over a cauldron watching the FoodNetwork, and then changes it so she's watching Piper, Hocrow, and Cole. Standing around her are some of the guys we haven't heard from in awhile; Leslie, Jason, Jack, and Glen. They're all in monkey costumes, Catherine is in a tight black mini skirt, tight black tube top and black knee high boots, and all of her outfit is leather. To add to that she's holding a leather whip. She looks really hot…)
Prue: "Do you really need to go into further detail with her clothes?"
Me: "I guess not, of course you're just jealous."
Prue: "Whatever, what does she got that I don't?"
Me: "Ah, straight eyes. You're cool and all; I just don't like you in that way."
(Anyway, she's the Wicked Witch of the East Side.)
Catherine: "Jason, who is our new visitor?"
Jason: "I don't know ma'am, but I heard rumors that she's the one that killed you're girlfriend."
Catherine: "Hey! We only slept together once, after that I tried to avoid her as much as possible, but she kept calling, and calling. Anyhow, I want to learn what kind of witchcraft she used to kill Prue. I want to meet her, oh, and her little cat too. Now fly my monkeys! Fly!" (She laughs wickedly until they're gone, then she changed the cauldron back to the FoodNetwork.)
(The three of them had stumbled into a forest. Your basic dark dank, crap hole.)
Piper: "$20 says we meet someone else here."
Hocrow: "So Cole, um, wanna run off and go get married?"
Piper: "Hocrow, what are you doing?"
Hocrow: "I'm trying to hit on him."
Piper: "Well that's not how you do it. Marriage scares the crap out of guys." (She slaps her just for the hell of it.)
(There's a rustling in the bushes then a giant guy with really long blonde hair (Leo) jumps out.)
Leo: "Please don't rape me please! I'm too pretty to be emotionally wounded!" (He gets down on his hands and knees.)
Piper: "Get up; we're not gonna rape you, though Hocrow over there might wanna marry you." (Leo starts to whimper.)
Cole: "So let me guess, your damage is that you're a sissy-ass mommy's boy?"
Leo: (Almost crying.) "What's your problem?"
Piper: "Its okay, Cole has anger management issues."
Leo: "Oh, well, I'm just afraid of everything." (He turns to Phoebe,) "Especially commitment,"
Piper: "Interesting, I'm Piper, how ya doin? I'm trying to get home, this is Cole, like I said, and Hocrow needs a brain to learn how to make passes at guys. Also, this is my cat, Kit; she just magically came back after a few years after turning human. We're all going to see the Warloc-I mean Wizard to ask him to help us with our issues and you're coming with us because I said so. Got it? Ok, let's go, burning daylight her people!"
Cole: (Whispering.) "Wow, she's bossy,"
Leo: "Yea but look at that butt." (Looks at Cole.) "You're not going to hit me are you?"
Cole: "I might," (Leo, snivels)
(They walk some more until they see something flying in the air.)
Hocrow: "Look, up in the sky; it's a bird!"
Cole: "It's a plane!"
Leo: "It's Superman!"
Piper: "You idiots, its 4 flying monkeys. Wait…"
(The four monkey-men swoop down try to pick up Piper but Cole swings his ax and chops Andy in half, then body slams Glen to death. In all the commotion Jason accidentally grabs Hocrow by mistake by they've already flown away.)
Leo: "Shouldn't we go after them?"
Cole: "What do you mean 'we'? You would probably just hide behind a tree like just now."
Piper: "No one's going after her. When we get to the Warloc- I mean Wizard we'll ask him to bring her back, but who were those guys?"
Leo: "I think they were the Wicked Witch of the North side's henchmen."
Piper: "I see. Well let's keep going. I see a field up ahead then a castle behind that."
(So they all start walking again, until they come to a field filled with green plants.)
Leo: "What is this stuff? Oregano?"
Piper: "No! Don't you see? It's weed! Beautiful weed!" (She gets on the ground and starts pocketing as much pot as she can. Cole does the same, and Leo just stands there.)
Daryl: "Hey! Get out of my field you hippies!"(They all look up to see Daryl, dressed in overalls, running toward him carrying a rake.)
Piper: "You've got to be kidding me."
(The three of them take of running towards the castle. They lose Daryl, but had to catch up to Leo because he had a 2 minute head start.)
Back at Catherine's castle…
(Jason drags Hocrow up to Catherine and drops her.)
Catherine: "Who's this?"
Jason: "It's the visitor, like you requested my queen."
Catherine: "Ah, doy, no it's not; this is that stupid scarecrow that hit on me last week."
(Hocrow winks at her.)
Leslie: "We're sorry if we grabbed the wrong one, but there was a Tin Man with an ax, and he chopped and body slammed the others."
Catherine: "Too bad, so sad." (She claps her hand and a boiling cauldron of oil appears.) "Into the pot,"
Catherine: "Now…" (They unhurriedly climb in and are instantly burnt to death.)
"Geesh, it's so hard to find good henchmen these days."
(The three finally made it up to the green castle and rang the giant doorbell.)
(A man looks through a little slit.)
Piper: "We're here to see the Warloc- I mean Wizard please."
Man: "Go away,"
Cole: (Angry) "Why?"
Leo: "N-now Cole, let's not do anything to upset the man." (Cole pushes him.)
Man: "Go away,"
Piper: "No! I had to fight through angry midgets…"
Leo: "Little people,"
Piper: "Whatever! I had to meet a Hocrow that can't ho, a Tin man with serious emotional issues, a guy who hasn't bathed in god knows how long and is afraid of his own reflection, fight through a bunch of mutated men, then run from a crazy guy who grows pot, and to top it all off I'm wearing a dead chicks shoes because I hit her with my house! You better let us see him or there's gonna be hell to pay!"
(Everyone, including Kit, is staring at her.)
Man: "What I meant to say is; come on in!" (He opens the huge door and they walk in and walk down a long hallway until they get to the end and walk into another room.)
Cole: "Anyone home?"
(A giant floating green head appears. Leo pisses his pants and faints.)
Wizard: "Who dare disturb me during my nap?"
Wizard: "Who's 'me'?"
Piper: "Piper Halliwell, and Cole Tin Man."
Wizard: "Never heard of ya."
Piper: "Ugh, I'm the chick that killed the Wicked Witch of the West side."
Wizard: "You are? Holy crap! Hold on!" (There are some clanking sounds then Gideon appears from behind a curtain.) "How can I help you my dear?"
Piper: "Well I'd like to go home,"
Cole: "And I'd like a heart, preferably one from a 24-year old male, non-smoker."
Piper: "And the guy lying on the floor needs some courage."
Kit: "I want Meow Mix; I want Meow Mix, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow…"
Wizard: "Well um, okay, first you must go on a quest." (He hands Piper a piece of paper.)
'Caldron, broomstick, and gum.'
Piper: "Okay, where's the nearest Walmart?"
Wizard: "There isn't one, you must go to the Wicked Witch of the East side's castle and steal them from her."
Cole: "And get ourselves killed and turned into a German car? I don't think so."
Wizard: "You have to, and take your passed out friend with you, he wet my floor."
Piper: "Fine, we'll go," (Cole picks up Leo and they leave once again, but not after Piper flips off the Wizard.)
(Catherine's looking into her cauldron.)
Catherine: "They're coming," (She looks around.) "Who am I talking to?"
Catherine: "Aren't you dead yet? I chopped off your head like an hour ago."
Hocrow: "I'm made of straw, it's gonna take a lot more than a guillotine to kill me." (Catherine lights a match.) "No!" (She picks up her head and runs out of the room just as Piper and the other two burst in through the door, Cole's holding a gun.)
Cole: "Okay, this is a stick-up, just give us the cauldron, broom, and gum and no one gets hurt." (Leo runs upstairs to get away from everyone.)
Catherine: "Seriously, I'm a witch, a bullet won't hurt me."
Piper: "Oh believe me, it will, I know from experience."
Catherine: "Oh, you must be Piper," (She walks closer.)
Catherine: "I'd like to get to know you better. How would you like to be my new daughter?"
Piper: "Well I never really had a mom, so sure, why not?" (they're about to hug until a pool of water spills on top of Catherine, she starts to melt.)
Catherine: "Ooh, who would've ever guessed I would have water touch me?" (She melts totally.)
(Leo walks back downstairs.)
Leo: "There's something wrong with her toilet."
Cole: "That's disgusting, let's get out of here." (They grab the stuff and turn and start to leave then Phoebe comes running in.)
Hocrow: "Wait!" (She runs and jumps into Cole's arms and they accidentally kiss.)
Cole: "Wow, I suddenly feel all warm and fuzzy."
Piper: "See Cole, you had a heart all along, you just needed Hocrow to bring it out, and Hocrow, you had a brain, you just choose not to use it much, and Leo, well, you're a Whitelighter where I come from so you're screwed on the courage thing."
Leo: "Yea, but you're still here, so let's get back to the Wizard so he can send you home."
Piper: "Na, I think I'm gonna stay here and become the new Wicked Witch, my home sucks, here I can actually be evil without my dumbass family screwing it up." (She picks up Catherine's whip and her clothes abruptly change into the leather getup.) "Mwhahahahaha!"
(Cole pulls out a SuperSoaker and squirts her and she starts to melt.)
Leo: (Distantly,) "Piper, Piper,"
(Piper opens her eyes and she's back in the Manor. Her whole family is standing around her.)
Phoebe: "Are you alright?"
Piper: "Wha? Oh I was having the most wonderful dream, only you were there, and you, and you." (She points to everyone.)
Paige: "Well it's alright now,"
Piper: "What happened?"
Leo: "I was in the middle of telling you I was gay and you passed out and hit your head on the coffee table."
Piper: "B-but, I kn- what about ever- the world, it was opposite, and Chris and I were stuck together, and Cole was pregnant, and…"
Phoebe: "Cole? Piper he's been gone for awhile, and you and Chris aren't stuck together."
Piper: "So it was all just a dream?"
Paige: "I guess so,"
(The scene freezes and turns black and white and a guy in a suit walks in front.)
Guy: "Munchkins, pregnant men, and Prue. Figments of our imagination or real living breathing things? To Piper Halliwell they were real. Are our lives really real or just dreams? Dreams which we will one day awaken from…In the Twilight Zone…..
Me: "T-T-That's all folks!"
Prue: "Wow, I so didn't see that coming."
Dan: "I did,"
Andy: "Me too,"
Me: "Well I guess that's it."
Barbas: "Now what?"
Me: "Well, I have to think of some creative way to get rid of you all."
Prue: "B-but, I don't want this to end."
Me: (Quietly,) "It has to," (I pull of a pistol and shoot Andy and Dan in the head, they die. Then I freeze Barbas and hang him from the ceiling.)
Prue: "What about me?"
Me: "You just go, I figure if I wanna torture you the best way to do that is to let you live." (She stands up and starts to leave.)
Prue: "You comin?"
Me: "You go on ahead; I've got some stuff to do." (Prue nods and walks away, on her way through the door she turns off the light. I'm just sitting there in the dark…you hear the door close.)
Ok, I know, bad ending, oh well, you guys better review or else I'm not gonna update any other fics, got it?