Never Give a Marching Band Mountain Dew
One day, the Marching Unicorns were having an exhausting day of practice. The temperature was 105 degrees in September which was very unusual for Virginia. And as usual, Mr. Hay was trying very hard to get the band in good spirits.
"Come on band, it's not so hot when you get used to it!" Mr. Hay said in an annoyingly cheerful voice.
"Mr. Hay, I really think they need a break longer than five minutes." Mrs. Smythe said, fanning herself with a drill book.
"Ouch! I burned my lip on my hot mouthpiece!" Luke exclaimed.
"Don't worry, its not life-threatening!" Mr. Hay called out.
"Uhh, Mr. Hay, that can be life-threatening." Tucker whispered.
"Wait a minute band, I think I have something that might just cheer you up." Mr. Hay called.
"Great. Mark time drills. That'll cheer us up." Annika said sarcastically.
"Or it could be something even better, like cool down laps." Lindsey added sarcastically.
"Hey Lindsey. How bad is my sunburn?" Steven asked.
"Uhhh, let's just say you look like a tomato carrying a tuba." Lindsey said.
"That bad, huh?" Steven said.
While everyone was griping about the heat, Mr. Hay returned with fifteen twenty-four packs of bottled Mountain Dew. Also known as the holy drink.
"Guess what band, I brought you all some ice cold Mountain Dew to refresh y'all!" Mr. Hay called out cheerfully.
"MOUNTAIN DEW!" the band screamed as the ran toward Mr. Hay.
"Hey now, there's enough for everybody." Mr. Hay said amidst the mob of thirsty band geeks.
"WAHOOOOOO!" they screamed, already on an apparent sugar high.
"MORE MOUNTAIN DEW!" Lauren screamed.
"MORE FOR US!" Tyler yelled.
"HEY LET'S RUN AROUND AND SCREAM AND YELL!" Shelley screamed.
"OKAY!" Luke yelled.
"HEY CLARINETS! LET'S SKIP AROUND THE TRACK!" Lindsey yelled.
"OKAY!" They squealed.
"Okay now band. You're all nice and refreshed, now let's resume rehearsal." Mr. Hay said.
"Noooo, we want plaaaaaay!" Erica screamed.
"Yeah, we wanna plaaaaaay!" The guard yelled.
"You can play music." Mr. Hay said.
"We wanna play something FUN!" Christy squealed.
"LET'S PLAY!" The flutes squealed.
"WHAT SHOULD WE PLAY!" Chelsea asked.
"TAG! LET'S PLAY TAG!" Luke yelled.
"OKAY!" They screamed.
"TAG, YOU'RE IT, MR. HAY!" Mike screamed as he wacked Mr. Hay on the back.
"No, there will be no playing of the tag! There will be playing of the music!" Mr. Hay yelled amidst the band geeks running around the field.
"Mr. Hay you really don't know what happens when you give a marching band Mountain Dew, do you?" Kevin asked.
"I thought it stopped them from being thirsty." Mr. Hay said sheepishly.
"Mountain Dew makes band geeks, and only band geeks go hyper-crazy. For .0twenty-four hours it puts them in on a crazy sugary-high hyperness. After the sugar high, they will crash with disasterous results." Mrs. Smythe said.
"Yeah, and they each had at least eight twenty ounce bottles of that stuff. So for 192 hours, they're going to be uncontrollable." Tucker said.
"The higher the sugar high the harder the crash." Kevin said.
"They're going to reach a peak sugar high in approximately 185 hours." Tucker said.
"So what does that mean?" Mr. Hay asked.
"In those last seven hours they are going to be crazy beyond belief." Mrs. Smythe responded.
"So what do we do?" Mr. Hay asked.
"We just let them run rampant for eight days until they crash." Kevin said.
Ch. 2: The high and the low
"Mr. Hay, why are the marching band members running around singing Hakuna Matata?" Kira asked.
"Because they're on a sugar high." Mr. Hay said wearily.
"What a wonderful phrase!" they sang out of key.
"This has been going on for seven days." Jake said.
"Seven days? Oh thank God, the sugar high is almost over." Mr. Hay said.
"So that's good?" Kira said.
"No it's bad. That means in four hours they're going to be on the craziest sugar high ever." Mr. Hay said.
"So its bad." Jake said.
"Yes…no…I don't know." Mr. Hay confused.
"Okay. So what do we do?" Kira said amidst the singing of Part of Your World.
"Just…leave them alone." Mr. Hay said already getting a headache. For seven days, the band had been running rampant by singing, skipping, yelling and more. Parents had been calling in with complaints and teachers had been writing students up left and right. Mr. Hay had resorted to just locking the band in the bandroom until practice, but he was losing stands because they had figured out that stands made great toys. They tried to play baseball with a stand and an old clarinet bell. They broke two windows, dented the tuba bell, and shattered the old clarinet bell.
Three and a half hours later
"In thirty minutes, we will be seeing the biggest sugar high in the world." Mr. Hay said to Kevin, Tucker, Mrs. Smythe, Gina, and Jamie.
"Are you just going to leave them locked in the bandroom or what?" Gina asked nervously.
"They've been locked in the bandroom since seven a.m. They've broken four windows, dented three trumpets, shattered five clarinet mouthpieces, there's a hole in the uniform room wall, seven flag poles are bent, there's crayon drawings on the wall, the tuba is dented, six out of nine drumheads have holes in them, they've alienated the concert band and that's just from today." Mr. Hay sighed.
"I presume we're not leaving them in the bandroom." Mrs. Smythe.
"You got it." Mr. Hay responded.
10 minutes before
"I'm about to open the bandroom door!" Mr. Hay announced.
They were ready for the barrage hyper bandies. They had agreed to let them go crazy on the field for four hours and then for the remainder they were going to lock them in the bandroom until tomorrow.
"We're ready!" Mrs. Smythe yelled back.
They heard several bangs on the bandroom door.
"In five minutes they will hit it's peak." Tucker said looking at his watch.
Crash! Bang! Shatter!
"They just broke something." Mr. Hay sighed.
"What did they break?" Jamie asked.
"I don't know, but whatever it is, it's going to cost a lot." Mr. Hay sighed.
"Two minutes." Kevin said counting down.
"How are we going to get them back into the bandroom?" Gina asked.
"I have a plan." Mr. Hay said.
"What is it?" Mrs. Smythe asked.
"You'll see." Mr. Hay said mysteriously.
"Thirty seconds." Kevin said.
"Get in position." Mr. Hay said as he prepared to open the door.
"Ten…nine…eight…seven…" Tucker counted down.
Mr. Hay grasped the knob.
"Six…five…" Tucker continued.
Mr. Hay turned the knob.
"Four…three…two…ONE!" Tucker shouted.
Mr. Hay pulled open the door and forty-five crazy, hyper band geeks stampeded out the door.
"WHAAAAHOOOOOOOOO!" They screamed.
"LET'S RUN AROUND, LET'S RUN AROUND, LETS RUN AROUND!" Erica screamed.
"LET'S RUN AROUND!" Steven shouted.
"OKAY!" the flutes squealed.
"IS IT JUST ME OR DID THEIR VOICES GET THREE OCTAVES HIGHER THAN NORMAL!" Mr. Hay yelled.
"IT'S THE MOUNTAIN DEW! IT RAISES THE PITCH OF THE VOICE!" Mrs. Smythe yelled back.
"OOOH! LOOK AT THE MUD! LET'S PLAY IN IT!" Lauren screamed.
"OKAY! MUD PIES ALL AROUND!" Jason yelled.
"MUD PIES!" The clarinets squealed as they jumped in the mud.
"WE LOVE MUD PIES!" the saxes exclaimed joining the clarinets and horns in the mud.
"SAVE SOME FOR US!" Shelley and the trumpets yelled as the joined the others in the huge mud hole.
"WE LIKE MUD! WE WANT MUD!" The low brass exclaimed.
"YAY FOR MUD!" The flutes squealed jumping in the puddle.
"GO MUD!" The guard and the percussion screamed.
"MR. HAY, DO YOU WANT SOME MUD PIES WITH DANDELIONS!" The flutes and clarinets screamed.
"HOW ABOUT YOU, MRS. SMYTHE!" The guard yelled.
"No thank you." Mrs. Smythe said.
"Only two more hours." Mr. Hay sighed.
Two hours later
"Are they done playing sock tag?" Kevin asked.
"Yeah. Now they're playing in the mud again." Mrs. Smythe said.
The group of high school bandies, ages thirteen to eighteen, had been transformed into an oversized group of preschoolers, ages two to five. Their faces were dirty, their clothes were ripped, hair loose, they were sock and shoeless, they had runny noses, and to make things worse, Rick, the trombonist, had peed himself. Now they were sitting in the mud hole, flinging mud balls at each other for fun.
"I think it's time to put them in the bandroom and let them run rampant." Mr. Hay said.
"They're acting like preschoolers." Gina said.
"Big, oversized preschoolers." Jamie added.
"Just go hold the bandroom door open." Mr. Hay instructed.
"Okay." They said.
Gina and Jamie ran over to the bandroom doors and pulled them open.
"Hey band! Who wants Mountain Dew!" Mr. Hay asked.
"YAAAAA! MOUNTAIN DEW!" they screamed as they ran into the bandroom.
"Lock the doors, now!" Mr. Hay ordered.
Jamie and Gina locked the doors.
"Good. Now we'll let them out tomorrow." Mr. Hay said.
The next morning
The next morning, Mr. Hay, Mrs. Smythe, Tucker, Kevin, Gina and Jamie met at the bandroom door. They were extremely nervous about what might lay before them.
"What if we've killed them from a Mountain Dew overdose?" Mrs. Smythe asked.
"That can't happen…can it?" Mr. Hay asked nervously.
"Yes it can." Tucker said.
"Great. We may be facing forty-five counts of first degree murder." Mr. Hay said dejectedly.
"Let's just open the door before we jump to conclusions." Jamie suggested.
"Yes. Let's." Mr. Hay said.
When the six opened the bandroom door they saw forty-five high schoolers sprawled all over the bandroom in various spots in what looked like a group hangover.
"My head…is…KILLING ME!" Schellen moaned.
"I feel like I hit my head against a brick wall." Annika mumbled.
"Did we get drunk or something?" Lana groaned.
"I have this strange memory of…playing in the mud." Luke muttered, clutching his head.
"Have we ever played baseball with a stand and a clarinet bell?" Steven asked.
Soon they discovered the broken instruments.
"Ah! My clarinet bell is…shattered!" Annika wailed.
"My tuba is dented!" Steven gasped.
"My poor trumpet…all dented." Shelley moaned.
"Who broke the drums!" Tyler asked crankily.
"Bent flag poles! How we can perform with bent flag poles!" Erica wailed.
"I feel like I'm gonna puke." Luke groaned clutching his stomach.
"That makes a whole lot of us." Lauren sputtered.
"This is the last time I'm giving them Mountain Dew." Mr. Hay said.