My heart felt like it was under a waterfall. Possibly every emotion I had was fighting and exploding in my head, heart and stomach. I knew I didn't want to do what I was about to, but I also knew that it was for the best, and I had a quiet resolution pushing me forward, holding me up. I separated my mind from my emotions and forced myself to go numb, with only the occasional twinge to remind me that inside I was in turmoil. Thus prepared, I raised my hand and knocked on his door. Seeing his face as the door swung away from me, hit me like a physical blow and I felt like I was falling. He smiled at me, and it felt like he had caught me. Remembering why I was there made me sink into my shoes, and I lowered my head as I walked past him into his room, only raising it to look at him when I heard the door close again. He was looking at me with those big eyes of his, his elfen ears sticking out from his head. I smiled weakly, and for a second my soul collapsed into hysterical sobs, it was agony inside.
"Something the matter, Rae?" he said.
"We need to talk." I said ominously.
"Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that." He said, suddenly serious. Seeing that smile vanish off his face was like a dagger in my stomach, not fatal, but close enough.
"This won't work." I said.
"What won't work?"
"Us. I think we should break up." I said and it felt like a death sentence.
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you.
I heard the words come out
I thought that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you.
"Why?" his voice was like a lost child's.
"Because I can't love you." I said, staring at my shoes. He remained silent.
you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken"Not the way you deserve. You deserve someone who can show you how much they love you, the way that I can't. Not with my powers." It hurt to say it out loud.
give anything now
to hear those words from you
Each time I say something I regret I cry
don't wanna lose you
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.
I was still staring at my shoes, waiting for his reaction. Then his hand came into my field of vision, and he slowly took mine in his. I looked up at him in surprise, he didn't seem angry.
"It hurts me Raven, to know that you would think that. I am dissapointed in you, how can you think that breaking up is the best course of action here? And, F.Y.I, I don't want anyone else, I love and adore you." he said softly.
"But I can't… I could never…"
"I know you love me Raven," he said, " even if you can't show me directly, I can tell. I've seen the way your eyes follow me across a room." he said and I blushed.
you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
" I've seen you smile, if only faintly, at my jokes and victory dances. I know you come in here at night to watch me sleep." I blushed even harder. "And I know it's you who's been stealing my tofu."
"I was trying to learn how to cook it." I explained.
"I'll teach you," he said smiling "but first, you have to take me back."
"Of course, if you want me" I said, still a little unconvinced. His eyes filled with something distinctively masculine.
"Believe me, Rae, I want you" he raised my chin gently, tilting my head upwards towards him, and my brain shut down as he slowly leant down and kissed me gently, then more confidently. A vase behind us cracked loudly and we broke apart. I stared longingly at the vase, the confirmation that we couldn't be together. Beastboy turned me harshly back towards him.
"Don't worry about it," he said strongly, " where were we?" He leant in again but I leant back.
"You sound angry." I said
"I hate that vase."
"For interrupting." He said before capturing my lips in another kiss that I just sank into. His kiss held a powerful undertow, like the tide holds on a tired swimmer, and I was drowning. Eventually I broke away, there were things still left unsaid.
live this life So stay with me
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.
So stay with me
"Beastboy, I love you," I said.
"I know, I love you too"
"And I promise to try to be more … encouraging" I continued and he chuckled deeply.
"Okay Rae, whatever you say." His hands were still wrapped around my waist and there were only a few inches between us, which he was obviously striving to close, but I wouldn't let him, not just yet. I still had one more thing to say.
"I'm sorry." And with that his passion finally overcame him as he folded me into him and kissed me, and he never let me go.
forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you