Side Deck

Card 08: The Hamster and the Briefcase (Invader Zim)

It was very early in the morning at the Kaiba Mansion and therefore it was also very early in the morning in the rest of Domino city. Seto Kaiba and his little brother Mokuba Kaiba, were eating breakfast and having a normal Kaiba brothers morning, except for one little detail. "Mokuba get your hamster out of the cereal box!" That little detail was Dacca, a cute but strange hamster Mokuba saw in the window of a pet shop as he and Seto drove by the day before. Mokuba would not stop asking for it until Seto bought it. Mokuba named the little hamster Dacca and claimed that he liked her because she reminded him of Seto. Of course Seto could not understand how that little pest was like him at all.

All day after they got home, Mokuba had carried Dacca around outside her cage no matter how much Seto told him to put her in, but Mokuba insisted that Dacca wanted to ride in his shoulder. When dinner time came, Mokuba threw a tantrum until Seto let him feed Dacca at the dinner table. When night came, Mokuba was going to let Dacca sleep in his bed but Seto warned him of the danger of squishing the little hamster in his sleep so Mokuba, for the first time, actually agreed to put her in her cage. So this brings us to our current situation with Seto and Mokuba eating breakfast and Dacca inside the cereal box.

"Mokuba, I mean it, get it out of there!" Seto sounded more impatient this time.

"Her name is Dacca," Mokuba wasn't even reaching for the cereal box.

"Get that hamster out of the cereal box now!" Seto tried to sound firm and not let Mokuba's kitten stare make him lose his tone.

"Her name is Dacca! You don't call me that human, so don't call her that hamster!" This time however, after protesting on behalf of Dacca's constitutional right to be referred to by her name, Mokuba finally got her out of the cereal box and proceeded to play with her by throwing Oreo O's at her and she would jump and eat them.

"That's enough!" Seto picked up the little ball of brown fur that was Dacca and placed her on the floor.

Within half a second of this action Mokuba started crying loudly. "How come you let Blue Eyes White Cat eat at the table and not Dacca!?"

In Seto's mind, you could not compare his precious cat to a hamster. Blue Eyes White Cat, she could very well be the cutest cat in the world. As the name suggests she is white with blue eyes. Giving up on the hamster annoyance, Seto was about to pick her up and place her on the table once again to make Mokuba stop crying, but he noticed she was not where he put her on the floor.

While Mokuba kept complaining, Seto searched for Dacca under the large table. Mokuba noticed and went under the table also. "What game are you playing big brother? Can Dacca and I play? Where is Dacca?" Again Mokuba was giving him the kitten eyes.

Seto took a deep breath and answered his question. "I lost her" There was a moment of silence while the younger Kaiba let this information sink in and then the volcano erupted. Mokuba cried loud enough for Seto to get an instant headache and he also felt guilty for losing the little pest, but she couldn't have gone far. After assuring Mokuba that she would turn up soon, Seto went to get his briefcase, which was left opened in the living room, and left for work.

Last night, to celebrate Dacca joining the Kaiba family, Mokuba suggested that they watch a movie. So the four Kaibas, two humans, a cat and a hamster, watched an old science fiction movie called Attack of the Alien Briefcase of Doom. Mokuba fell sleep before the so called main villain of the so called horror movie, a briefcase with teeth, attacked. Apparently, the Alien Briefcase of Doom became stronger with each paper it consumed. It would tare the papers into tiny peaces when placed into it, causing important documents to be lost and sending the world into chaos.

Obviously this was a very old movie, since corporations such as Kaiba Corp. currently kept their databases and information on computers. When the Briefcase of Doom became strong enough, it would then be able to digest human beings. As Seto got in his limousine and headed to Kaiba Corp., he wondered if it was possible to come up with a more ridiculous idea for a movie than an alien briefcase.

As the black limousine made its way to Kaiba Corp., Seto was completely unaware of the events taking place inside his briefcase where Dacca had fallen. Dacca had stayed awake during the entire Attack of the Alien Briefcase of Doom movie and thought that she had been eaten alive by the evil science fiction villain. 'You want to eat me? I'll give you indigestion!' Dacca started chewing on everything she found inside the supposedly Alien Briefcase of Doom. Obviously, there were some things such as the laptop computer, that were too hard to chew on, so they remained unharmed.

As soon as the limousine arrived at Kaiba Corp. Seto headed for his office at the top floor, where he proceeded to open his briefcase and take his laptop computer out. He then reached in to take some papers out and noticed that everything was in pieces. Immediately regretting having watched that movie about the Alien Briefcase of Doom, he tried to be logical and find an explanation to this, but there was none. Seto emptied the confetti contents of his briefcase on his desk without noticing Dacca was among that content. Then he threw the empty briefcase out the window as hard as he could, just to be safe. The briefcase fell into the traffic below on top of a car, blocking the driver's view and causing an accident.

After giving up on putting his papers back together, Seto simply pushed all the confetti like pieces of paper into the trash can not knowing that Dacca was under it, paper were unimportant anyway. Little Dacca managed to climb out of the trash can and saw Seto who had gone to sit down. 'He saved from the evil Alien Briefcase of Doom! He doesn't hate me after all!' Dacca ran off to give Seto a hug. Just as she did, Seto got up to find the remote control of the TV he had in his office, accidentally kicking Dacca in the process. 'He does hate me, he just wanted to save that thing he uses to exercise his fingers,' Dacca ran away.

Seto finally found the remote control and turned on the TV. He always started working right away, but for some reason he couldn't get the final scenes of the movie Attack of the Alien Briefcase of Doom out of his head. Not that he thought that his briefcase was the mentioned Doom Briefcase... or did he? Right about now he felt really silly about throwing it away and wanted to get it back. In an emotional outburst, he started remembering the good times he passed with his precious silver briefcase. That briefcase saved his life when he used it as a shield, he couldn't throw it away simply because it chewed some papers. Was he on time to get it back?

As if on cue, a news bulletin appeared interrupting the Duel Monsters children's show Seto was watching. Mai Valentine appeared on the screen holding a microphone. "Hello all! This is Mai Valentine reporting live at 8:00am for the 5:00pm news!" She spoke in a voice a little too cheerful for the bad news that she was about to report.

"We can't report live at 8:00am for the 5:00pm news. We should come back at 5:00pm and you forgot to say my name!" A voice from off camera was heard.

Mai glared at the camera. "By 5:00pm it'll all be over and your name's not important Joey, I'm the star of the news!" So the camera man was the mutt. Mai continued her report. "We are here in front of the Kaiba Corporation building where a briefcase that fell from the skies has just caused an accident. The police have determined that this may be a warning attack from an alien briefcase population and have called the paranormal experts to study this matter further." Mai moved closer to the scene of the accident where a boy around Mokuba's age was examining the briefcase. "As the Professor's son, what do you think about this event?" Mai put the microphone so close to the boy's mouth, he could have ate it.

The boy noticed the camera. "I know where a real alien lives!"

Mai concluded that the boy was crazy and moved on to the next person to interview. "Sorry my mistake, it was just some crazy kid with a big head, not Dib! Now let's interview the Professor's daughter, Gaz!"

The purple haired girl simply ignored Mai and played with a handheld video game.

Next Mai moved on to the interview the Professor himself, a well known scientist all over the world and the best paranormal investigator ever. "Professor, what do you think about this briefcase attack?"

As she moved the microphone closer he grabbed it. "As explained in the public historical documental 'Attack of the Alien Briefcase of Doom' which aired yesterday night, this is a sign of the coming of the Doom Briefcases. This particular one is their messenger or ambassador to Earth. In order to prevent the invasion the ambassador must negotiate peace with a powerful organization on Earth. Given the location in which it landed, I have interpreted that they wish to make negotiations with Kaiba Corporation. Seto Kaiba, if you're watching this, for the good of planet Earth, you must go along with the Doom Briefcase's wishes! The briefcase commands you!"

After this, the TV station cut the news bulletin to air the ending of the Duel Monsters kid show Seto was watching before. It turns out that it had been Darkwy, the Dark Magician, who had accidentally stepped on Bluewy's, the Blue Eyes White Dragon, tail and given him a booboo. Mythwy, the Mythical Elf, healed the booboo with a magical Duel Monsters band aid and Bluewy accepted Darkwy's apology. Seto loved that show; he watched it sometimes when he wasn't in too much of a hurry to start working. Of course, he would never admit that to anyone.

No more time to waste; now he had a briefcase to save! Seto headed out to the scene of the accident, where the Professor was rambling on about scientific things that no one understood. He grabbed the briefcase and as he headed back inside to the Kaiba Corporation building, a green boy yelled, "he has the Briefcase of Doom!"

The Professor congratulated Seto on his courage of facing the dangerous and even deadly alien briefcase of doom and insisted that the press should leave, so that they could negotiate peace in peace. Seto played along with it, concluding that the so called scientific genius was insane, but he didn't mind, after all he was making him look like a hero and that was good publicity. Seto could imagine Kaiba Corp.'s sales going up thanks to this free publicity.

After returning to the safety of his office, Seto locked the door and sincerely apologized to his beloved silver briefcase. He promised that alien or not, he would always love and respect his briefcase in heath and in sickness for rich or for richer. The CEO then sat down to finally start working. He tried to connect to Kaiba Corp.'s network from his computer but it was impossible. Fearing that his perfect computer system had a fault, he immediately ran to inspect the super computer central processing unit.

Upon arrival on the super computer's room, Seto found that the technicians had already noticed the abnormalities and where trying to fix them. "Full report!"

A girl with purple hair and glasses informed, "the system has been dehamstered!"

This statement reminded Seto of why fixing errors on a computer program was called 'debug'. It all took place long ago when a moth flew into an old computer causing some problems. The technician removed the moth solving the problem and in her report she wrote that she debugged the system, that is removed the bug. From then on the word was used to refer to computer errors as bugs.

So if Lucca said dehamstered, that would mean removing a hamster from the inside of the computer. Sure the super computer was large enough to hold a hamster, cat or dog. But why would there be a hamster in it? Why would there be a hamster in the Kaiba Corp. building at all? The purple haired girl handed Seto the source of the problem.

Seto then found himself holding what appeared to be a dead brown hamster, most likely killed by an electric shock. This was Mokuba's hamster! After giving the technicians instructions for giving the super computer maintenance to keep something like this from happening again and fixing the computer's covers so nothing could get inside it, Seto returned to his office with the supposedly dead hamster.

He placed the hamster in his desk and gently lifted her head. "Please don't die Dacca, Mokuba will be really sad! Please Dacca! Don't die!" He poked Dacca several times to no effect and when he was about to give up and start arranging her funeral, Dacca's blue eyes opened. "Dacca! You're alive!" He glomped the little hamster so thigh, he almost squished her. Needless to say, Dacca was surprised but happy. Seto returned to the Kaiba Mansion right away and gave Dacca back to Mokuba. All in all, it was a happy ending.

End of Card 08

xoxox xox xoxox xox xoxox xox xoxox xox xoxox

Card 09: I'm Not Stupid, I'm Advanced (Invader Zim)

Just outside the Earth's atmosphere, a spaceship circled the planet. "I have to admit it looks pretty good," a white haired boy observed.

"I told you it was good," His brown haired partner in crime reminded.

They stayed there staring at the Earth for a few moments. Soon the planet would be hijacked by the one and only Planet Jackers. Some people thought they where a myth, how could anyone steal an entire planet? But there were few who knew the truth. The Planet Jackers would choose a planet to take over and literally take it with their superior technology.

Seto's job was to move the planet and after it was away in the depths of the universe where the Galaxy police can't find it, Bakura would have his fun stealing anything valuable as far as the universal black market was concerned and they would divide their revenues. Then the planet would be returned to its original place in the universe.

Why move it in the first place? Because Seto enjoyed testing his technology by doing something that many considered impossible and because Bakura enjoyed stealing away from the galaxy police to maximize the chaos, there was the local police, but that didn't really present a problem, especially in this planet.

You may wonder how they got to do this job; it was not always this way. Bakura used to be a common space thief. Seto was an elite Invader, a position in the military of his home planet, Irk. Bakura could not remember what his home planet was; as far as his memory went, he didn't really have a home planet; all he remembered was waking up in a damaged space ship floating in space, eventually crashing into a random planet.

"Time for you to do your job," Bakura leaned back on his seat and closed his eyes.

Seto was then left with the task of going to the planet and installing several tower-like devises which would then produce a gravitational field around the planet so that when the ship was hocked to one of those towers and pulled the planet away, no one would feel it. Additionally, the towers would also produce a hologram to simulate the sky.

The former elite Invader, who was fired after an argument with his planet leaders over wanting to be in charge of the planet instead of them, set off to Earth. Even if he was no longer considered part of the irken military, the title of Invader was universal and since he had graduated at Invader Academy, he still kept it.

Elite Invader Seto Kaiba landed on Earth successfully, while he traveled in his invisible mecha to the correct place for the tower installation, he saw a white haired boy walking along the street. "Bakura, go back to the ship; I don't need you starting chaos here yet!"

The boy looked around until he found the source of the voice. It was a brown haired boy with antennae on his head who was floating in mid air. Other than the fact that he had antennae and was floating, he looked normal. "Who are you?"

"It's me, Seto! You can't see me because my mecha is invisible," Seto explained to the one he thought to be Bakura.

"I can see you," Ryou then pointed right at him, to further prove his point. "You're right there and you know what? I think you're some kind of alien!" The boy had the same white hair, the same pale skin, the same brown eyes and the same fluffy white tail that Bakura had, but clearly he wasn't Bakura.

Seto wondered why he didn't realize that from the start, furthermore he wondered why it did not occur to him that if his mecha was invisible then it would not hide him, so he would appear as if he was floating in mid air. He guessed he just didn't expect to find one of Bakura's kind on this planet so he assumed that the boy with the fluffy white tail was Bakura.

"My name is Ryou," the boy who could be and was Bakura's long lost twin explained. "All my life I thought I was an earthling but people were always mean to me and they said I'm an alien because I have a tail and they don't. I always denied it, but now I know it must be true! You must be an alien sent by my people to rescue me!" Ryou couldn't help it but to literally jump in excitement.

Seto sighed frustrated as he processed the information, it made sense, Bakura had no past so maybe this boy really was his long lost twin or something. Yes, he could picture the entire story in his head like a cheap science fiction movie. On a family trip in space they where attacked by space monsters who ate their parents but the children where saved in two small spaceships.

With no one to help them, the boys floated off into space until one of them landed in a random planet getting amnesia on impact and the other landed on Earth also getting amnesia on impact. Deep down knowing that he didn't belong on this planet, Ryou awaited the day that his long lost brother which, he didn't even know about, came to rescue him, of course waiting for someone you have forgotten could be a little confusing, but that's not the point.

Seto concluded that he might as well take Ryou along to meet Bakura or the thief would be very upset when he came to rob the planet and found that Seto had seen his brother who he didn't remember and not inform him of it. After a short trip back to the ship in the invisible mecha, Ryou and Bakura were left to the happy reunion which they did not remember had been looking forward to.

xoxox xox xoxox

As Seto installed the last tower on Earth, he annoyingly glared at the Earthling boy who had somehow followed him all around the far corners of the planet pointing and saying "Look, it's an alien!" The blond mutt had gotten on his nerves, but sadly Seto had forgotten his laser gun on the ship after bringing Ryou back for the family reunion, which he did not remember he was looking forward to.

"Look an alien! There's an alien!" The Earthling mutt yelled at the top of his lungs, pointing right at Seto. They were now in the middle of a dessert in an area called Egypt, where the tower that would be connected to the ship was being given the final approval by Seto.

Just then, something occurred to the irken elite and he asked. "If I'm an alien, how did you follow me all over the planet? I know for a fact Earthlings are not capable of traveling all around their planet in less than eighty days."

The would be CEO said, because had he been thrown on Earth like Ryou was, he was certain that he would have been adopted by an earthling CEO, whose title he would steal after taking over his corporation and making him jump out a window, but of course if it was his choice, he would choose to continue being an Irken elite, the best Invader. However, he had to admit that he did not deserve the title of best invader in the galaxy... instead he should be named best invader in the universe! Yes, that was who he was.

In a sudden burst of, of... well it could have been extreme irken pride or maybe just randomness, but the thing is he had the sudden urge to declare who he was. "I am Seto Kaiba, the irken elite; I am the greatest Invader in the universe!" This statement was followed by the classic evil laugh our dear Seto does so well.

Joey had been ignoring Seto since he was too busy thinking of his first question. There were no deserts where he lived, there were only desserts, there but no deserts and he was very thankful for that fact, because he loved desserts, but he didn't know how he got to the desert and had no idea what desserts had to do with deserts, even if they sounded so much alike. He did however know for a fact, that he was in a desert and he wanted to eat a dessert, because he was hungry and ice-cream would be good right now, not the other way around he would never eat a desert, unless he was really, really hungry, even if it would be cool to find himself on a dessert, then he would eat it.

"This cool bicker chic gave me a ride when I told her I saw and alien and wanted to follow him to find out what he was doing on Earth." Joey finally replied after much thought.

Seto stared at him strangely. "It would appear that my impression of you being a mutt was correct." He took a small computer from his pocket and attempted to connect to the Earthling databases known as the World Wide Wait for further information. "The things called mutts sometimes follow people; they are also referred to as stray dogs." When the Earth's database finally loaded into his computer, he proceeded to visit Gle's website. This Gle must be a very well known scientist here, since the site title itself appeared to cheer him on saying Go Gle, Goooooo Gle! "That's strange," a picture of a little yellow chick appeared on his computer's screen. The creature looked so small and defenseless, yet it was capable of operating a transport and understanding the mutt's requests. He then viewed a picture of a bicycle and attempted to make a mental picture of the chick riding the bicycle. "This bicker chick you speak of, I'm not familiar with such a concept. Take me to your leader!" There was something very strange going on in this place if an ancient thing such as a bicycle still existed and yet the chickens were advanced enough to operate it.

"Idiot," a female voice was heard. "By bicker chic he means me!"

Joey watched quietly, suddenly realizing that Mai also had antennae, but hers where longer and curly at the end. "You're an alien too!" Joey should have known it wasn't normal for a motorcycle to fly that fast! Wait, it wasn't normal for a motorcycle to fly at all! How did he miss that? "You're an alien!" He pointed at Seto, "and you're an alien too!" He added pointing at Mai. "That means that..." he made a dramatic pause, "you're both aliens!"

After a moment of silence Mai explained, "bicker chic is something said to describe a cool girl like me."

"I believe the temperature here is hot not cold," Seto gave her a confused look.

"I mean cool as in... well cool... fun, awesome, um... I don't think it has a literal translation. So anyway," Mai changed the subject. "I've been here on Earth since I heard it was suspected this was the Planet Jacker's next target. I know you're one of them so I waited for you here to kill you!"

"The aliens are fighting! The aliens are fighting!" Joey jumped up and down and pointed with his finger, even if there was no else there in the desert to hear him.

Before anyone could ask why she wanted to kill him, the wavy lines of a flashback came and Mai narrated. "It was the day of our final exam as invaders, I was heading to my test but then you short-circuited a snack machine, causing a chain reaction that left the entire building in the dark and I was trapped in an elevator. I missed my test because you were hungry! It's your fault!" The wavy flashback lines returned everyone to the present time.

"Wait, that's not right, you were there in graduation," Seto brought back another flashback.

"That's not the point, even if they did let me take a make up test, the point is I was trapped in an elevator and it was your fault and since I already completed all my missions for the irken military, I decided to kill you in my free time." Mai would have shot a laser at him, if not because someone tapped her on the shoulder and she turned to find the Earth boy who asked her to come along.

"Are you the good alien?" Joey gave her a puppy dog look.

"Aw!" Mai petting him on the head.

"It's some kind of defense mechanism!" Seto pointed at the mutt and mentally kicked himself for picking up on the Earthling's bad habit of pointing at things.

"It's called the puppy dog look and it's cute, Earthlings think the puppy dog look is cute!" Mai was still petting Joey.

"It is poisonous?" Seto was cautious.

"No, it's not poisonous. You know what? If I hasn't been trying to kill you, I wouldn't have found this guy, so I'll let you live," Mai decided.

"Does this mean that Earth is safe and there will be no cool fighting scenes in which you jump a lot higher than humanly possible and stay in mid air forever and stuff?" Joey was expecting the first alien encounter to be more action filled than this.

"You make a fun pet," Mai smiled and Joey blinked confused. "The tallest must be wondering where I am, so I should go now and if you see any of our old classmates tell them I said hi." Mai hopped on her bike with Joey sitting behind her and literally took off.

Seto decided that maybe this planet was too insane to be dealt with and headed back to the ship after uninstalling the equipment and keeping it in tiny capsules. People changed a lot after they graduated from Invader Academy. Now Mai Valentine, one of the top students, was insane or so thought Seto, or maybe she had been influenced too much by the Earthlings, the more reason to leave faster, he wouldn't want to come across a lost Earthling be hypnotized by the thing they called cuteness and decide to keep it as a pet, ew.

Seto jumped on his invisible mecha and returned to the ship where Ryou and Bakura were. Ryou was currently placing cards on a board and explaining things to Bakura, saying something about Duel Monsters. Seto did not say it right away, but before returning to the ship, he stopped at a small shop to get a souvenir since he wouldn't be hijacking this planet after all, such an insane place was best left alone. He got a bunch of cards with different pictures that the tricolor hair Earth boy from the shop called a deck.

Leaving an over sized diamond on the desk and telling Yugi to keep the change, Seto left the shop holding his cards, which he already felt attached to like never before. Maybe this planet had a good thing after all. After informing the newly found brothers that he had decided not to hijack Earth, they flew off into space not knowing that at Ryou's insistence they would be back a week later and by then, they would be so addicted to the card game, that they would stay on Earth.

Oh yes, a game, such a strange thing to do, the activity had no goal but to waste time, Seto had concluded, but there was a strange satisfaction in it, maybe this game thing was a danger similar the cuteness danger that Mai spoke of as she fell victim to it. The game and the cuteness was like a powerful force that no one could escape. Even Seto knew this and he had given up trying to resist the game after playing Duel Monsters and another game named Chess.

He also realized it was pointless to resist the power of cuteness when he saw a Blue Eyes White Dragon plushie, it was just so soft, cuddly and cute, it was like the plushies wanted to be hugged and no one could resist their superior mind control power. So Seto had his plushie and he often played Duel Monster with Yami the tricolor hair boy's brother, who also had tricolor hair. Earth in all its weirdness and insanity, wasn't such a bad place after all.

End of Card 09

Disclaimer, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!, Oreo O's, Invader Zim or Chrono Trigger.