A/N: This first part is written in the style of an interview. I wanted everyone to feel like they were watching it, which is why I have the actions in there as well. It's kind of a moving picture/video for Witch Weekly. The following chapters will be in the normal story format.
Many thanks to Judy and Jennifer for being my betas. You are both awesome!
This is meant to be a silly, fun, lighthearted fic, and many of the characters will not be canon.
Bear with me on updates. I have about 6-7 chapters written of this fic already, but with working full time and a little one on the way, my updates might be sporadic.
All HP characters, etc belong to JKR. I just like to take them out and play with them once in a while.
Introduction and Interview:
Dumbledore has made it clear to the staff at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry that they need to have more active personal lives. He feels that if they are happy in their personal lives, it will carry over into their professional lives. He also feels that if each of them made an ad to place in Witch Weekly, they would get magnificent results. The 'interview' follows. This will focus on the dating 'mis'adventures of one Severus Snape.
(we see Snape getting shoved on screen by someone with suspiciously long, silver hair. He looks quite uncomfortable as he takes a seat)
(voice behind the camera...you can tell it is Dumbledore): Come now, Severus. I know you're more articulate than that.
Snape: (glares at the camera) Fine. Let's get this over with, shall we?
Dumbledore: Ok, in order for this to be advertised in Witch Weekly, you need to tell us a bit about yourself.
Snape: (mumbles something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like "bloody old hippie") Myself? This is revolting. I don't want to do this.
Dumbledore: Yes, Severus. Yourself. I trust that you can tell us a little bit about yourself? Besides, you need a date, and the advertisement will be most tasteful.
Snape: Fine. Hmm. My name is Severus Snape.
Dumbledore: Tut tut. We need your full name.
Snape: (there are more mumblings. This time it sounds like coughwankercough) My name is Severus mumble Snape.
Dumbledore: I didn't quite catch that.
Snape: (obviously irritated ) SEVERUS SHELDON SNAPE!
Dumbledore: That wasn't so hard was it? (we hear him laughing) Ok, so tell us about yourself, Mr. Snape.
Snape: There's nothing to tell. I'm a mystery. A complete enigma. A normal human brain cannot comprehend my being.
Dumbledore: Severus, you're trying my patience. I will keep you here all night if necessary.
Snape: l (looks even angrier than before) You wouldn't!
Dumbledore: Try me! (we see a hand holding something towards Snape) Cinnamon drop?
Snape: (more glaring) No. Fine! You want to know about me? Here you go. I'm 36 years old. I'm 6' 1". I don't like animals, I don't like talking, I don't like people, I don't like teaching, I hate bubble gum. I don't like Harry Potter, I hate Sirius Black, I have some serious misgivings about my hair, and I'm feeling really vulnerable right now! (starts to sniffle)
Dumbledore: (coughing slightly) Severus, that doesn't make you sound very appealing. Come now, I know you to be a brilliant man. You have a lot to offer.
Snape: (sarcastic) Sure I do. Women go crazy for my soft flowing hair, cheerful smile, perfect Grecian nose, and wonderful personality. (stares intently at his hands)
Dumbledore: Snarkiness doesn't become you, my boy. Please at least try to be serious.
Snape: Fine, let's get on with it then. I enjoy terrorizing Potter. I like being able to scare people off with a glare and frown. I like confusing the students and making them cry. Especially Longbottom. He's such an easy target.
Snape: My specialty is potions, but I also make a mean chicken parmesan.
Dumbledore: Really? I didn't know that.
Snape: Cooking is my outlet. My one true hobby! (he gets excited) Nothing puts me in a better mood that blending aromatic spices together to create my magnum opus. My favorite is the smell of garlic simmering in a sauce of my own creation.
Dumbledore: Garlic? I would have thought you hated garlic.
Snape: (looks surprised) Why is that, Headmaster?
Dumbledore: You know...the vampire thing and all that.
Snape: Vampire thing?
Dumbledore: Well, aren't you one?
Snape: Merlin, NO! (looks amazed at the suggestion)
Dumbledore: But all the black? The fear of sun? The pale skin? The crazed look in your eyes when you see blood?
Snape: Just an affectation. I'm going for the dangerous, mysterious, sexy, goth look.
Dumbledore: Well, I don't know if I'd call it sexy….
Snape: You don't think so? Hmm. Maybe that's why I haven't had a date since...well...ever.
Dumbledore: Well, I think we'd best move along. (we hear paper rustling as he looks through his notes) Here we go…What song do you think best describes you as a person?
Snape: (looks thoughtful ) Well, I'd have to modify the words a bit….
Dumbledore: That's fine, my boy.
Snape: (stands up and starts dancing around, waving his cape, while singing)
I'm too sexy for my cape
Too sexy for my cape
So sexy, I'm Snape.
I'm too sexy for this school,
Too sexy for this school,
Because I'm so cool.
Dumbledore: …Errrr. Well, that was….
Snape: Marvelous? Brilliant? Indescribable?
Dumbledore: That's it! Indescribable. Exactly so.
Snape: (looks smug) I thought so myself.
Dumbledore: Well then. (clears his throat) Alright, Severus, what are you looking for in a woman?
Dumbledore: Severus, you know this is a dating ad. It would be appropriate to say what you would like to have in a companion.
Snape: (gulps) Uh, well. Intelligence is important to me. I'd also like someone halfway attractive, because that would really build up my self esteem. And, she needs to have brown or reddish brown hair. Especially if it's curly. Then I could run my fingers through it to untangle it.
Snape: And I wouldn't mind if she had brown or gray eyes. And pale skin. I wouldn't want to be standing next to someone much darker than me. I don't get much sun, in case you haven't noticed.
Dumbledore: Well, now that you mention it…
Snape: And, she has to be shorter than me. And if her favorite perfume were Night Magic, I wouldn't complain. And, if she could sing, that would be nice. I would enjoy having someone to sing me to sleep.
Dumbledore: Hem…I think we should get back on the original subject….
Snape: Well, she would have to want kids, because despite popular opinion, I do not eat children for dinner and would like a few of my own. Got to carry on the family name, you know. And, it doesn't matter if she can cook, because I can do that myself. In fact, being a bachelor for many years has taught me to be independent, so I would just like companionship.
Dumbledore: Well, I think that is about all we need for the ad. Anything else you care to input?
Snape: There is one thing. If it wouldn't be too much trouble, it would be nice if any women answering my ad would be prepared to call me Potions Master S.
Dumbledore: (tries not to laugh) Whatever for?
Snape: I just thought it would be a nice change.
Dumbledore: Well, there you have it, ladies. If you are interested please send a message via owl post, attn: Old Bat.
Dumbledore: Sorry, I don't pick the names.