So here we are, dear readers. I, the ever-present Farla, grow annoyed by not just the quality but the sheer quantity of original trainer fiction. Some of you do this well, but let's admit it – most of you don't.
Is this a lighthearted parody? A vicious mockery? Well-intentioned advice? Or simply venting? I leave it to you.
Unoriginality #1: An Original Trainer Story
By a growingly irritated Farla who's leaving her semi-sabbatical because she's horrified by the state of things here in the pokemon category.
Summary: Kazekami is about to begin her pokemon journey. With an unusual starter, will she become the greatest pokemon master? Or does she have an even greater destiny to fulfill?
The glowing light of the sun slowly slipped through the western window (a/n Look at what a great author I am! I alliterate!) like melting gold into the room. It slid over the posters of pokemon on the walls, the desk with a large computer monitor, the bookshelves full of pokemon books, the alarm clock, and onto the bed.
The alarm clock was ticking softly. Tick…tick…RING!
Kazekami (a/n that name is Japanese! Aren't I original!) jumped out of bed, fumbling for the clock. Smacking it hard over the top and silencing it, Kazekami yawned once. Blinking, she looked at the glowing numbers.
"AHHH!" she screamed. She must have set her alarm wrong! She was thirty minutes late! Kazekami didn't bother wondering why this was. Her alarm clock had never gone off late before, and, excited and nervous at the prospect of getting her first pokemon, she had triple-checked it last night. It was strange that today of all days it would fail. But rather than think about this and draw attention to the oddity, she jumped out of bed.
Hurriedly throwing on a black (a/n Black is SO cool and goth) shirt she carefully selected for the emblem of a pokeball drawn on it in sparklies and a pair of designer jeans with tiny embroidered roses on it (a/n I have one just like that!1), she checked herself in the mirror. Her jade orbs took in her reflection. She had long, shiny black hair with natural streaks of blue in it that went down past her narrow waist, and clear, unblemished skin. At seventeen, she was approximately 5'11¾".
Satisfied she looked good, she picked up her necklace and pulled it over her head. A moment later the pendant lay on her chest, even though it should have gotten tangled in her abnormally long hair. It was a large, polished red gemstone, wrapped in delicately wrought gold. It was her good luck charm. She'd found it when she was a little girl.
A four year old Kazekami ran laughing around the meadow when she bumped into something big. She fell backward. Looking up, she saw a ninetails standing in front of her. In its mouth it held a shining necklace. It dropped the necklace into her lap silently, then bounded off.
Kazekami flung herself down the staircase. Her mother was cooking breakfast. Kazekami did not reflect upon how odd it was that, her mother, aware of the time and date, had not awoken her. "Hey Mom gotta go bye Mom!" she yelled as she raced past, snagging a piece of toast lying there on the table as if expecting exactly this turn of events.
Her mother started to say something as she ran out, but Kazekami didn't listen. She knew her mother would only ask her again if she was sure this was a good idea. No one believed girls could be good pokemon trainers, but she'd show them!
She ran as fast as she could to the laboratory at the center of town.
"Professor Birch!" she called.
"Hello Kazekami," Birch said.
"Are there any pokemon left?"
"Well…I'm afraid there aren't any starters left. Even though all the people always sign up, and I really should know how many are coming, it seems like I always forget to get enough."
"What! But Professor, please, you've got to give me a pokemon!" Tears welled in Kazekami's sparkling sea-green eyes. Er, orbs.
"Er…Kazekami, you do know you could just come back tomorrow and I'd have gotten another-"
"Please! You have no idea how long I've been waiting to be a pokemon trainer!"
"But you didn't mind waiting an extra seven years so why -"
"Please Prof., I mean, Professor!"
"Well, I guess I could give you another pokemon that isn't the standard starter. It isn't like there's any particular reason or anything that we give out those three."
The professor shrugged. "Sure, I don't see why not." He rummaged through a box of pokeballs. "Of course, to avoid giving you an unfair advantage - or something - I'll choose it randomly. Here you go."
Kazekami took it. "Pokeball, go!" she yelled. Prof. Birch flinched.
A vulpix appeared out of a swirling mass of sparkling light. "Vul," it said mildly.
Wow, Kazekami thought. It's…SO KAWAII! (a/n Look at me! I'm using Japanese words!) She let out a little delighted squeal, prompting a second flinch from Prof. Birch, and scooped up the vulpix to hug it.
"Um, Kazekami, I should warn you - "
"PIX!" the vulpix yelled, blasting Kazekami (a/n I'm so original! I thought up this scene all by myself!).
Kazekami fell down, blackened. "Not kawaii," she said, dazed. "Not kawaii at all."
"-As I was saying, Kazekami, thanks to decades of inbreeding to produce the perfect purebred vulpixes, they can be a bit high-strung."
"…thanks for warning me…"
d – d
Kazekami was walking through the plains on the outskirts of town when she ran into another trainer.
"Hey, I challenge you to a pokemon battle!" shouted the boy. He was twelve, with fluffy, brown hair (a/n His hair is brown because he's boring and I don't care about him. He's not SPECIAL like Kazekami) and cerulean orbs.
"Ha! Okay, kid, I accept." Kazekami knew there was no way a kid like this could beat her. She'd show that she wasn't a weak trainer just because she was a girl…even though the boy hadn't said anything to indicate he was sexist and there were already plenty of female trainers who never seemed to be discriminated against.
"Who are you calling a kid?" yelled the boy, his indigo orbs looking childishly angry to Kazekami. "I've been a trainer for two whole years now!"
Kazekami rolled her eyes. "Whatever, kiddo. You've still got five more years before you'll be as old as me. Go, vulpix!"
The huge bull pokemon snorted, pawing at the ground with its hooves. The vulpix yawned.
"So…kawaii…" Kazekami shook her head hard. The author - I mean, she seemed to be losing focus. She had to concentrate on the battle. Of course, there was no way she could lose her first battle. She wrapped her hand over her good luck charm. It felt abnormally warm against her skin.
First, I'll use tail whip, and then I'll…Kazekami thought, planning her strategy.
"Tauros, earthquake!" bellowed the boy, his sapphire orbs flashing.
The ground shuddered, then burst upward, flinging the vulpix backward. "Vul…pix…" it whimpered, fainting.
"Nani?" said Kazekami blankly.
And that, dear friends and dearer enemies, is a parody.
Next chapter: Is it even possible to write a good OT story using the 'standard' opening, even if you remove the clichés, the contrived plot, and the raw stupidity? Probably not.