Twelve Easy Steps to Stop Writing Shoujo/Shonen-Ai Fanfiction

Summary: This is not a fic, merely something fanfiction-related that I was having fun with and decided to post. Come on, Mary Sue tests and "Which Teen Titan are you?" quizzes aren't really fics either, right?

Disclaimer: If I owned Teen Titans, there would be a way for Raven to force Trigon to leave her alone forever, Beast Boy would have a moped, Terra would be alive (but not paired off with Beast Boy), there would be more episodes with Blackfire in them, and Slade would NOT be working for Trigon. So needless to day, I don't own the show.

Pairings: anything not shoujo-ai or shonen-ai

Author's Notes: Please humor me here; I'm just poking fun at the prejudiced people. And I thought that, since this piece stems from my experiences as a writer, this is better suited as an author's note accompanying one of my shoujo-ai fics.

Step 1) Stop looking for hints of your favorite shoujo/shonen-ai pairings when you watch TV.

Step 2) If you had trouble with step 1, keep a thumbtack in your pocket when you're watching the TV. Poke yourself in the palm of your non-dominant hand when you find yourself thinking of shoujo/shonen-ai hints.

Step 3) Start looking for hints of canon pairings in your favorite TV shows.

Step 4) Stop reading other people's shoujo/shonen-ai.

Step 5) Start reading fanfics that involve canon pairings.

Step 6) When your friends bring up shoujo/shonen-ai, change the subject.

Step 7) Eat cheese if you've gotten this far.

Step 8) Remember that thumbtack from step 2? Carry it around with you all the time (not just while watching TV) and poke yourself if you find yourself thinking of shoujo/shonen-ai.

Step 9) If you are one of those people who dreams about their fics, think about something completely unrelated to shoujo/shonen-ai before sleeping to ensure that your dreams will remain untainted.

Step 10) If step 9 didn't work, take that good ol' thumbtack and poke yourself in the temple six times after waking, saying, "Bad brain! BAD!" with each consecutive jab.

Step 11) Delete and/or stop reading all of your previous devious shoujo/shonen-ai fics.

Step 12) Eat more cheese, because after completing step 11, you should no longer feel compelled to write shoujo/shonen-ai. If you, unfortunately, still find yourself wanting to write shoujo/shonen-ai, carry the DVD case of Monty Python and the Holy Grail around with you. When shoujo/shonen-ai crosses your mind, take the DVD case out and sing "Pie Jesu Domine," whack yourself smartly in the forehead with the DVD case, sing "Dona Eis Requiem," and whack yourself again. Repeat until someone yells, "Get AHOLD of yourself!" and snatches the DVD case away.

Step 13) If you are finally successful, watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail while eating cheese-flavored popcorn. Wait a minute, that was 13 steps. Oh well.

Though I invented this miraculous 12—no, 13—step program, it worked wonders for me. I encourage all of my fellow shoujo/shonen-ai-plagued writers to try it out!

Note: everything you just read was completely and entirely sarcastic. If you believed for any length of time that I was being serious, go engage in a procreative anatomical impossibility until you get carpal tunnel syndrome.

Thanks to swimbike and Jimaine for inspiration, and Uncle John's "Slightly Irregular" Bathroom Reader for the euphemism for "go f--- yourself."