I got the inspiration for this from Atalanta Pendragonne's '50 Things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts'. I thought it was funny... maybe someone else will too.

I do not own Draco Malfoy or any of the characters mentioned herein, as much as it saddens me. Please don't sue me; it'd be a waste of time anyway.

And remember for info on what's happening with whatever... check the link on my author page.

Anyhoo...


1. I am not allowed to eavesdrop.

2. I am not allowed to blame others for my actions.

3. I am not allowed to correct Professors, even if I know I'm right.

4. I am not allowed to walk away when someone is talking to me, because it's rude.

5. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuff's there is no Santa Clause.

6. I am not allowed to step on snails in Care of Magical Creatures just so I can watch Hagrid cry.

7. I am not allowed to taunt Professor McGonagall with catnip.

8. I am not allowed to shave Mrs. Norris

9. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

10. I am not allowed to sing 'Holding Out For A Hero' whenever Harry Potter enters the room.

11. I am not allowed to run into the Great Hall screaming 'There's a giant asteroid headed for earth, who's up for end of the world sex?', as it causes riots.

12. I am not allowed to call Professor Trelawney insane or delusional, to her face.

13. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwick's wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

14. I am not allowed to ask Ginny Weasley to see her 'Chamber of Secrets' because it gets you slapped.

15. I am not allowed to use my authority as a prefect to 'confiscate' my classmate's things, just because I think they should be mine.

16. I am not allowed to eat my housemate's sweets and blame in on Goyle.

17. I am not allowed to kick people even if I think they deserve it.

18. I am not allowed to tell first years there are free unicorn rides being giving away in the Forbidden Forest.

19. I am not allowed to leave instructions for facial alteration charms on Professor Snape's desk.

20. I am not allowed to leave shampoo either.

21. I am not allowed to magically write 'Harry Potter Loves the Cock' over the Quidditch pitch during matches. However, any other time is fair game, as it is the truth.

22. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout 'Long live Lord Voldemort', just because I think it's funny.

23. I am not allowed to refer to Professor Dumbledore as 'That old guy in a dress'.

24. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing 'I will Survive' in the mirror, as it is disturbing.

25. I am not allowed to ask Professor Lupin about the mating habits of werewolves because his personal life is none of my business.

26. I am not allowed to change the password to the Hufflepuff common room and laugh when they cry because they can't get in.

27. I am not allowed to charm the Gryffindor portrait to insult them whenever they pass through it.

28. I am not allowed to spell the entrance to the Ravenclaw common room to make everyone who goes through it forget how to read.

29. I am not allowed to know the entrances to any house dormitories but my own.

30. I am not allowed to have sexual relations with Harry Potter under his invisibility cloak because all though people can't see us, they can still hear us.

31. I am not allowed to go on and on about how great my ass looks in my Quidditch Robes, because no one cares.

32. I am not allowed to command my housemates to tell me I'm pretty.

33. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone it's the new Dark Mark.

34. I am not allowed to walk around the common room naked, even if I think no ones there.

35. I am not allowed to use whipped cream for anything other than its intended purpose.

36. I am not allowed to demand everyone address me as Draco Malfoy God of the Universe.

37. I am not allowed to hide my housemate's underpants.

38. I am not allowed to tell unattractive people they are forbidden to procreate.

39. I am not allowed to smack people at random and blame it on a seizure.

40. I am not allowed to tell Harry Potter he's been a bad boy and try to give him a spanking during potions, as this has caused Professor Snape to be ill.

41. I am not allowed to hide Neville Longbottom's toad then tell him I mistook it for a chocolate frog and ate it.

42. I am not allowed to set people on fire.

43. I am not allowed to tell Hermione Granger she looks less and less like a beaver everyday, even if I think it's a complement.

44. I am not allowed to barter Quidditch Strategy's (or anything else) for sexual favors because it is unfair to the students who are horribly unfortunate looking.

45. I am not allowed to draw pornographic stick figures in class.

46. I am not allowed to ask people if they want to see my 'Basilisk'.

47. I am not allowed to use Colin Creevey's camera to take 'inappropriate' pictures of the quidditch teams without their knowledge or consent.

48. I am not allowed to show up for a lessons looking disheveled and claim I got lost.

49. I am not allowed to put a 'loss of inhibitions' potion in the schools supply of pumpkin juice.

50. I am not allowed to throw inept first years off the astronomy tower with a broom, maintaining they had to learn how to fly somehow.