Helga and the Republican
Distribution: Sure. Just tell me where.
Timeline: Really anywhere. Presumably before Season 1.
Summary: For anyone who has ever watched the Season 4 episode, Guns Not Butter. There is a line toward the end where Donna tells that Josh has actually made her "dress as an East German cocktail waitress." I know this fic is silly, but the line that inspired it doesn't exactly cry for a serious explanation. I hope that everyone enjoys reading it as much as I did writing it.
Disclaimer: The characters herein are the property of Aaron Sorkin. They are being used for entertainment purposes only and not for the sake of profit. No copyright infringement is intended. (But if you do want to send me money, feel free. Contact me at my email address, and we'll finalize the arrangements). Also, any quotes that I steal from any cultural setting are not meant to be used for any gain, but merely my admiration.
Dedicated to Holly. The title, the Republican line and the private jokes all belong to you!
All Josh could do was stare at him in horror.
"It won't be that big of a thing," Leo reassured. "Go. Stay a couple hours. Hell, stay forty-five minutes. Shake the appropriate hands and get out."
Josh blinked once more, hoping there was a punch line somewhere.
Leo picked up the memo for his next meeting. "Say something."
"No!" He began to pace the carpet of his boss's office as he tried to formulate the best explanation to get him out of it. "I…not only is this a bad idea, but...I'll look stupid."
His mentor smirked. "Trust me, that it isn't a first."
"Leo, it's idiotic."
"It's a Halloween party."
"It'll be embarrassing to the White House," he countered.
"That you go to a Democratic fundraiser on Halloween that says explicitly to wear a costume? I can't begin to imagine the shame."
"What about Sam?"
"I could send Sam, but he and Toby are going to be working on the address for Monday and that's more important than keeping you comfortable for forty-five minutes."
Josh pouted. "CJ. Why can't CJ do it?"
"Because I like her more than you, Josh." He was beginning to lose his patience with the boy. "Because these people want talk about issues. These people want to talk about policy and they want to do it with someone who can really make an impact on legislation.. And I'm sure as hell not going, so I'm sending you. That's it."
Josh sighed in defeat and made his leave. Once he was down the hall, he took out the invitation Leo had handed him and read it over more thoroughly. He stopped walking as he finished. The invitation was valid for the guest plus a date.
Which meant that he didn't have to be humiliated alone. He cold drag someone down into the pit of shame with him. Sadly, he couldn't think of anyone to legitimately ask.
He glanced into the Press Secretary's office as she worked at her desk. Though he technically outranked her, he couldn't make CJ do anything she didn't want to. And she wouldn't want to do this.
"Josh, Whitman called while you were in with Leo. He says that the Secretary has a few comments about the address on Monday an he wants you to get back to him when you get a chance." Donna noticed that Josh was still off in his fantasy world. "Oh, and the ambassador to Zimbabwe called. He said that aliens have invaded and they're asking the U.S. for assistance."
Donna smiled. "Hey, welcome back to reality, Josh. We missed you while you were gone." She handed him the papers for his meeting with Toby.
A smile crossed his face as remembered that there was always Donna. "Oh, Donna," he sighed wistfully. "Dear, sweet Donna."
"What?" she pouted.
"Donnatella, my darling," he said taking her by the arm and escorting her to his office, shutting the door behind them.
"No," she huffed as she folded her arms across her chest in defiance.
"What are your plans on Halloween?"
"I was planning on going to a party with my roommate where she was gong to introduce to this man she's been trying to hook me up with for five months."
Josh shook his head, smiling all the same. "Let me ask again, what are your plans for Halloween?"
Donna tried unsuccessfully to fake enthusiasm. "I don't know, Josh. Why don't you tell me?"
"This," he said simply, handing her the invitation before looking over the folder she had handed him minutes ago.
Donna had to read the card twice before she understood. "You want me to go to a costume party for you?"
"No," he retorted, causing her to breathe a momentary sigh of relief. "You're coming with me."
Her eyes went wide. "Josh, this isn't fair!"
"Look, Leo's making me go and I'm making you go. Don't talk to me about fair."
"Yes, but just because you have to go doesn't mean that you have to force me to come along. You can opt to be the fair one in all of this."
"And suffer in the pit of shame and humiliation alone? You're coming."
"It's tomorrow. I'm supposed to find a costume by tomorrow?"
"And one for me, too." After seeing the purely evil gleam in her eyes, he changed his mind. "I'll find my own costume."
She turned to leave. "I hate you."
"More than usual?"
"Yes," she growled.
"Earlier did you say that the ambassador to Zimbabwe called?"
Cocking her head, she gave him a look. "Your point?"
"I have many points. But two are that why would they call me for assistance,and second, why would the alien choose Zimbabwe?"
"The nice climate and I don't know!" she said in exasperation. All she wanted was to be left alone.
Josh was satisfied with the fact that he had thoroughly flustered her. "That's what I thought." With his boyish grin and cocky swagger, he went off in search of Toby.
Josh's mind was reeling. It was six-thirty on a Friday night and he had no more meetings scheduled until Monday. He only had a mound of paperwork to organize and tons of memos to write. And, he remembered as he walked up to see his assistant busy at work, a stupid fundraiser twenty-four hours from now.
"Thank you," Donna said before hanging up the phone and sagging her shoulders in defeat.
Josh tossed his folder down on a vacant desk and grasped his assistant's shoulders. "It's Friday night, you know. And though I'm flattered that you wish to spend it here with me, it's time to go."
Though slightly startled by his presence, she didn't let it bother her all that much. "You never called Whitman back."
He gave her shoulders a last gentle squeeze before picking his folder back up and heading to his office. "Whitman's complaints are crap and I'll put it off until Monday."
"Okay," she sighed, getting up to follow him.
"What was that call about? The one you just had. It didn't sound good." He was already loading up his backpack for the night.
She propped herself up against the doorframe. "That was Party House." She saw his bemused expression and decided to stop anything that was on the tip of his tongue. "It's a costume rental shop. They were the third place I've tried and they only had one thing left in my size."
"Nothing," she blew off.
"Well, you better be wearing more than that when I come to pick you up tomorrow." He zipped up the bag and threw it over his shoulder.
"Oh Josh," she mocked. "You're so funny." She rolled her eyes.
"I know," he said cheekily as he walked past her to leave.
"By the way, the ambassador could have been calling you for help reforming the welfare system."
"The ambassador to where?" It only took him a moment to catch up to Donna-logic. "Zimbabwe. Okay, why?"
"Well, with all of those illegal aliens there, they're going to have more people in need of social assistance."
He gave her a smirk. "Took you all day to come up with the illegal alien joke, didn't it?"
"Good night," she called as she went to get her purse.
Josh worried that people wouldn't get his costume. Not a lot, but he worried all the same. Actually, as he walked up to Donna's door, he reflected more on how he was creative in making his outfit. In fact, he was rather proud of himself.
He just worried that people wouldn't get it.
"Donna," he called as he knocked on the door. "Come out, come out or I'll put prayer into your schools!"
He heard her scramble to the door and then her muffled voice on the other side. "Where's your costume?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, why aren't you dressed? I thought we were heading straight to the party."
"We are. This is my costume and can you open it up, I feel all silly out here."
"You feel silly!"
"Yes, Donna. I'm talking to a door and I'm dressed all weird."
"You're wearing a suit."
"I'm not coming out." As she looked down at her costume, she decided it would be better to just get fired.
"Donna," he sighed, looking straight into the peephole. "Please open up."
She pouted at the fact that his sincere pleading could actually get her. With a grunt, she opened the door and pulled him inside before anyone else could see.
All he could do was stare. Partly in shock, partly in amusement, but mostly in awe. After a few blinks and a couple of strangled swallows he asked, "Was the Swedish hooker the only costume left on the rack?"
She was about to cry. "Yes and no. It's not a Swedish hooker."
"Then what, Helga?"
"Classic German waitress." She tried to swallow her pride and ignore his teasing, but couldn't. "I can't go."
"Yes you can," he said as his laughter died away. He took a deep breath and looked her over one last time. "And you look pretty good as an East German cocktail waitress. I especially like the pigtails," he said,pulling on one for good measure.
"Josh, I can't do this. It's bad enough wearing this in front of you, but in front of people that actually matter is something entirely different."
"Thanks for saying that I don't matter, but you can do it. And we have to go now, Helga, or we'll be late."
"What the hell are you, anyway?" She said as she grabbed her coat and walked into the hallway.
"Guess. I want to privatize social security and if I don't get it,I'll come after you with all my loads of guns. But never forget that I have more morals than you, goddammit!"
After giving him and exasperated stare, she resumed locking her apartment door. "Ironically, you look like a liberal Jewish man that has very little taste in guns as well as morals."
"Hey! I don't mind guns," he mocked.
She turned to him. "You cop-out! You look like normal. So, now you'll look all normal and I'll look like the crazy girl you brought along."
"You are the crazy girl I brought along and the costumes have nothing to do with it."
"Look," he said pointing to the elephant lapel pin he had on. "And besides that, I'm proving a much more real and scarier point."
"That you're a mean and evil person."
"That Republicans are tricky creatures. You have to be careful because you can't spot them in a crowd--they could be anywhere."
"I hate you."
She refused to speak to him all the way there.
"Josh!" a pirate called from across the room when they entered the party.
"Who's Ted?' Donna whispered into his ear.
"The head of the regional Democratic Alliance. It's his party."
"Great," she murmured, pulling away just as the host made his way over.
"Josh Lyman," Ted Davis said shaking his hand. "I'm so glad you made it. Nice costume."
"Yeah…I'm a Republican," he said,gesturing to the lapel pin.
"Funny," Ted commented, but he was already distracted. In fact, it seemed that it was a little blonde with pigtails that had stolen all his attention. "And who is this? I don't believe we've met."
"Helga," Josh said flatly, unhappy with the way he was looking at her. Or more importantly, her breasts.
"Donna," she corrected with a blush, not noticing the extra attention her bust-line was receiving.
"Well, Donna. That's a lovely costume you have on."
"Thanks, but actually it wasn't a first choice. Not even a fifteenth choice."
"You make it work, though." He gave her a provocative leer. "And well."
"Yes she does," Josh said in attempt to change the topic. "So Ted, Leo McGarry said you wanted to talk."
"It can wait a bit. You guys haven't even gotten to walk around. Donna, you should really try the wine."
"Oh really?" she said trying to feign sincerity, but wanting to desperately get away from his violating eyes.
"Yeah. Come on, I'll get you a glass."
"Hold on," Josh said, gently yet firmly taking Donna by the arm. "I see Peter Wallace over there and I don't think Pete and Donna have seen each other since the election. How about we meet you there in a bit."
"Sure." The man was obviously displeased as they walked away.
"Josh," Donna whispered. "I don't know Peter Wallace and that guy makes me feel all like a Swedish hooker."
"I'm sorry, Helga," he said squeezing her arm. "Ted's always been like that. I really haven't figured out how his wife couldn't see it."
"He kinda forgot to mention that, didn't he?"
Josh decided not to tell her that Mrs. Davis had filed for divorce a couple of months ago.
Four hours later and much more intoxicated than before, Josh and Donna were back in the hallway outside her apartment.
"Thank you, Mister Lyman," Donna said in her best attempt of a German accent. "The wine was very good, ya?"
Josh had to chuckle as he noted that Donna drank twice as much as him. "Ya, t'was sehr gut."
"Guten tag!" She replied as she struggled to unlock the door.
Josh paused. "I think you just told me good day."
"Well, guten tag, Monsieur Lyman."
Josh pried the keys from her hand and unlocked her door. "You're now adding in French."
"Gracias." She was still trying to work the German accent. "Does Monsieur Lyman want a pint of ale?"
This was honestly the most amusing thing he had ever seen in his life. She had to have had more than the wine. "Mister Josh wants Helga to go to bed."
"I can pour you a drink, Monsieur Lyman, in my East German cocktail waitress costume."
"I'm sure you can," he said walking her inside. "But I think you better get some sleep."
Donna rolled her eyes. "I'm not that drunk, but it's nice to know you wouldn't take advantage of me."
"Helga, you can't honestly tell me you're sober right now."
"If you don't speak of tonight ever again, then I won't."
"Why wouldn't I? You're the one that looked and sounded like a crazy person."
"And you're the one that stupidly went around all night pointing at you dumb Republican lapel pin. I don't even think it's really a GOP elephant anyways. I think it's from the World Wildlife Foundation."
Josh stood there a moment. "Deal." He then started toward his car.
"Thanks, Josh. I actually had a pretty good time."
He turned around to face her. "Me too. And all joking aside, Helga, you're the prettiest East German cocktail waitress I've ever seen."
"Thanks," she blushed.
He opened the door and stepped into the hall. "Night."
"Good night," she said, closing it softly behind him.
"Gute Nacht, Donnatella."