Title: Pet Names

Author: Asuka Kureru (askerian (at) hotmail (dot) com)

Pairing(s): 1x2x5

Genre: Humor, silliness

"Why, if it isn't the Rice Queen and his bookends. Better late than never, I guess."

Heero didn't even seem to hear, and Wufei only spared a quick, contemptuous glare for Noin, but Duo grinned back at her and managed to bow and hang his Preventers jacket at the same time.

"Very sorry, your bitchiness. You know how it is, you plan on getting showered and dressed quickly, and then you end up with your loving boyfriends trying to give you a hand... oh wait, you don't. My bad."

Noin rolled her eyes. Duo was so irritating, rubbing her boyfriendlessness in at every chance. Smug bastard. If he didn't hog twice his allowance, maybe the dating pool wouldn't be so shallow. Not that she was interested in either of the uncommunicative, aggressive assholes he called his lovers.

"A whole hand? I knew you took them both regularly, but I didn't know you could do it at the same time," commented Sally from her office.

Wufei snorted, only his reddening ears betraying his embarrassment. "Stop poking at out sex life, woman, we're still not telling you anything."

"Oh, the interest is purely medical, my dear dragon, I assure you," she replied as she leaned against the door, her eyes twinkling merrily.

"The prostates are in fine working order, don't worry, my lovely doctor," Duo teased as he pushed Wufei past her to their desks. "At least they were okay this morning."

Heero followed them both, looking totally unconcerned by the baring of their private life, not even bothering to hide the cautious way he was walking. Wufei scowled and pretended he didn't know either of them.

Duo, of course, took that as an invitation to grope him as soon as the Chinese one stepped inside their cubicle and sat down at his desk, resulting in a funny clonk as Wufei hit his head on the overhanging desk lamp, then a yell as he tugged on Duo's braid in retaliation. Heero trudged in between them, breaking them up without even appearing to notice that they were in his path.

Noin chuckled. "The Human Bulldozer strikes again."

Sally snickered. "I'd be tempted to call him the Human Toothpick if he wasn't about ten times heavier than he looks."

"Just so you know, he heard that. And I'll have you know he's far from being as slim everywhere -- oww!"

Duo was dragged back inside the cubicle by the ear, and the sound of typing started up. Rolling their eyes, Sallu and Noin resumed their own activities.

A few hours went by in relative quiet and peace, except for the few random insults that the threesome exchanged along with the pens and paperwork they needed.

From what Sally and Noin gathered, to Heero, Duo was "fucktard"; to Wufei, Heero was "bastard". As for Wufei, he was "asshole" for both.

Honey? Darling? Sweety? Not for them, no sirree, unless you felt like getting your balls chopped off.

"Hey, Wu-dear, is your report finished yet?"

... Or in case of the offender being female, unless you felt like a nose-to-nose encounter with the muzzle of a gun.

"... I was calling Wufei," Sally protested weakly, squinting at the threatening object.

"I'm the only one allowed to insult him," Heero grunted back, and holstered his weapon. "Wu-dear, Sally wants your report."

Wufei didn't even bother looking up. "And I want you to curl up and die; as you see we can't all have our wishes."

Heero turned back to Sally. "He's not finished." Then he went back to his computer, ignoring her again.

Sally was left blinking and dazed, and went back to her desk shaking her head ruefully. She would never understand macho-lovetalk.

"What if I insult him?" Duo asked, doodling absently on a form.

Heero didn't look up, still typing away. "He insults you back. Moron."

"What, no spanking? I feel cheated. What if I insult you?"

"I cheat. With him. Without you."

Duo rolled his eyes and threw a pen at him, that Heero batted aside effortlessly. "Wow, Heero made a funny. Call the press!"

Wufei snorted, eyeing the pen that had landed on his desk. "Finish your report or both of you adulterers can sleep on the couch."

Duo and Heero exchanged a long look, wondering if they should behave. Satisfied by the silence, Wufei smirked, and went back to work. He'd had the last word.

"... Then maybe, Soldier-boy should get that cheating underway right now," Duo commented.

Heero nodded thoughtfully. "Not a bad idea. The desk is less narrow than the couch."

Wufei fixed them with a blank stare. "This is a very bad moment to sprout a sense of humor, Yuy."

Wufei decided that it was disturbing to see matching smirks on Duo and Heero's faces.

Noin decided that it was disturbing to hear fighting and kissing noises from the cubicle that shared a wall with hers, but not nearly enough to make her laugh any less at the string of insults coming from Wufei's lips, nor to make either her or Sally stop leaning toward the wall. She banged on it anyway.

"Hey, the triumvirate! What's going on in here?" she asked as if she didn't know, as if Duo's encouragements and appreciative commentary didn't paint a clear enough picture.

There was silence for a moment, followed by sounds that she interpreted as mad scrambling against a slick surface -- a table probably -- and the rustle of clothes pulled in place vigorously. Then Duo started to laugh.

"Oh, I'm... rearranging my bookends."

There was an offended growl, more thumping sounds, and then silence. Sally and Noin exchanged a long look.

Then a single stream of typing resumed, with that particular vigor that meant a smug Wufei. Slowly, almost reluctantly, Heero's more mechanical clickety-click followed, then Duo's sulky key-banging. The rest of the morning passed almost calmly, especially seeing as there was only a half-hour left. The second the clock chimed, Duo was herding his lovers out, waving quickly at the two women.

There was a lot of name-calling in the broom cupboard that morning.