The Three Tittied Whore from Bangalore
By The Lurkers
who take no blame for this story, it's all Tara's fault.
Malcolm Reynolds, captain of the firefly transport Serenity, former independence fighter, current owner of a pair of incredibly tight pants, prowled through the cargo hold. Sometimes, he said to himself, I can't believe I've ended up hauling cows and other such things. It was not the life he had imagined during his long forgotten youth. Still, could be worse, he decided, at least we're only hauling tanned cowhides instead of the whole damn cow. Stored as it was in sealed boxes, it sure the heck smelled better. Mal took another sniff. There was sure as hell something funny smelling in the cargo hold.
"Damnation, I told Jayne and Kaylee to make sure no cow patties were left over!" He swore as he started trying to locate the source of the smell. The smell got stronger as he moved towards the back of the cargo hold. Then the smell really hit him. Strong it was, stronger than the awful smell that had come from Jayne after eating three helpings of the Shepherd's red bean soup. A soft noise emanated from behind one of the smaller crates. Drawing his gun, he slowly approached the noise. Then he spotted where the noise came from.
Sighing mightily, Mal put away his gun and grumbled, "Why does the 'Verse hate me so?" A baby slept in a wicker basket nestled between two of the crates. There was a note attached to the basket and Mal knew he sure didn't want to read it because, as he'd read in many books as a child, this situation always involved deep emotional entanglements and diapers. And he didn't do diapers, he was the Captain.
"You pick it up," Mal said prodding Kaylee forward.
The crew of the Serenity stood around looking at the baby who was both still sleeping and emanating an indescribably bad odor.
Kaylee, who as the youngest in her family had tried to avoid having anything to do with babies except admiring them, blanched and then said, "Feel that? The phase couplings are out of alignment. I have to rotate them… right now." Kaylee fled the scene.
"Zoe," Mal waved his hands in the general direction of the infant.
"Sir, I don't do babies." Zoe declared.
"Why does it smell so bad?" Wash asked.
"Most likely it needs its diaper changed," Mal suggested. He was aware that his crew took another step back away from the baby. "Oh, for the love of… you all can't be afraid to touch a little bitty baby like that."
"Not so much scared, as well, when I was a child there was a diaper incident and, well, I really can't go into details and I don't think I can be of any help here," Wash babbled.
Nobody made a move forward to the child. Finally Jayne could take it no more. "For the love of, just give it here," The big man moved forward and picked up both the basket and child. "Bunch of freakin' pansies, that's what the lot of you are. Come on Doc," Jayne set off towards the medical bay.
"Uh, you will clean everything off before my examination, won't you?" Simon pleaded. He'd managed to skip a pediatrics rotation and he had no intention of starting one now.
"Well, he's a perfectly healthy infant male," Simon declared. "About ten or eleven months old." He was holding the baby upright and jiggling him slightly in the belief that the motion would be calming. The baby was quiet during this pronouncement but then began to wail loudly and demandingly.
"He's also apparently hungry," the doctor concluded. He had brought the baby back into the mess hall as soon as his examination was complete. Jayne has cleaned the baby up and after the clever application of a large square of absorbent wipes, diapered the child. The mercenary had then left sickbay in search of food. Simon, having no intention of getting stuck looking after the baby, went in search of the rest of the crew.
"Well feed him," Mal ordered, though why he bothered giving orders any more was a mystery. Nobody ever did exactly what he told them.
"With what?" Simon asked. The gaze of everyone in the room turned to Kaylee, their resident mechanical miracle worker.
"Uh, well, let's see, we've got those nipples for the aft waste disposers that might work," she mumbled, eyes half closed going through all the spare parts on the Serenity that might make a halfway-decent bottle. "Mm, too bad Inara's away or we could get one of her squirt bottles that she uses for…"
"Don't tell me," Mal interjected. The baby seconded his objection with another long wail. "Just go make something and fast!" Kaylee jumped up from the table, knocking over her drink and fled the room in search of something to shut the baby up. With a flicker of glance between Zoe, Wash and Book, they all stood up, "We'll help," and also fled the room.
This left Simon holding the crying baby and Mal looking mighty annoyed. "Do something to make him quiet."
"Such as," the doctor replied drolly.
"I don't know, try swaying him back and forth or something," Mal suggested as he began to hurriedly finish his food.
Simon held back a mighty sigh and began swaying his hips back and forth. The child stopped wailing for several long seconds at the change in motion but soon began crying again, though less strenuously. Simon reacted by trying to do a modified two-step around the mess area.
Mal watched as the doctor and infant progressed through every dance step the doctor knew. It seemed the baby favored the waltz. "You dance mighty nice."
"Thanks," Simon mumbled as he started doing a very slow tango near the stove. "Could you maybe..," he gestured his head towards the door.
"I'll see what's taking so long," Mal said smiling.
"I agree completely," River said, gravely nodding her head. The baby, lying in a converted storage box, gurgled again.
"I have often thought so, though many people refuse to take the argument to its logical conclusion."
Simon stood in the doorway not making a sound. River was having an extended conversation with the baby. It would be cute but the baby gurgled and waved his arms in response to his sister's end of the conversation a little too precisely. It was, he decided, spooky.
"Hi River, are you and the baby having a good conversation?" he asked.
River turned her face towards him and gave him a big smile. "Oh, yes, it's nice to have somebody to talk with that really grasps the ultimate effects of dialectical materialism."
"Uh, that's nice, mei mei. Is the baby hungry again?"
River glanced over towards the baby, "he could eat a little something before he goes to sleep."
"Alright," Simon went off to heat up one of Kaylee's improvised bottles.
"Just draw the straw," Mal growled, eyes narrowing dangerously.
"But I had a," Wash began to say.
"An unfortunate diaper incident," chorused the captain and crew of the Serenity.
"We don't care, draw a straw," Mal ordered.
Wash drew a straw out of the tight stack in Reynold's hand. He sighed as he pulled it out, he'd drawn a long one.
"Sir, I don't understand why Simon can't change the baby's diaper," Zoe groused as she stepped forward to draw her straw.
"As much as I enjoying making the good doctor take care of the baby, he's been at it for two days straight and has earned the chance to get some sleep. Now draw,"
Zoe pulled out a straw, it was short. "Damnation," she muttered. She was tough, she reminded herself. How bad could changing a diaper be? She grabbed the absorbent wipe out of Book's hand and went towards the wailing baby.
"Alright," she told herself, taking a deep breath. She undid the binder clips that were holding together the hastily made clothing and slid her hand under the infant's back. She encountered something wet, wet and slimy. What could be wet up at the kid's shoulder blades, she wondered, drawing her hand back out. Her hand was now covered in light brown good with little bits in it that looked like scrambled egg yolk. The soldier began to shudder convulsively. "Ee, eee, eee, yeck." Holding her arm as far away from her body as possible, she fled the room.
"Zoe," Wash cried, following his wife out. "Look at the bright side! Now we've both got traumatic diaper incidents in our past. Zoe!"
Mal sighed, there was no help for it. He'd tried to share the extra work of the baby fairly among the crew but it turned out the lot of them were a bunch of baby fearin' goof balls. All of 'em except for one. "Jayne," he turned to the mercenary who was smiling and chewing on the long straw he'd drawn.
"Yeah, Mal," Jayne smirked.
"We'll all pay you if you take care of the baby for the next two days until we hit Four Corners."
"Well, I might consider it if there's a bonus in it for cleaning up that there mess leaking out onto the floor that you're stepping in."
"What?" Mal looked down, his brown boots were indeed on top of droplets of baby crap.
"You wipe of the boots too and you've got your bonus."
Jayne smiled even wider as he went over to change the red faced child. Bunch of freakin' pansies, that's what his crewmates were, afraid of a little baby spooge
Mal headed towards the mess hall and was stopped by the sound of the baby crying, again. They were still twelve hours out from Four Corners. He'd surely be glad when they arrived. There was still the problem of what to do with the kid when they landed, but he reckoned the baby in a basket with a note worked equally as well everywhere. No matter what the noise, he needed some coffee.
The crew of the Serenity sans Wash was in the mess hall staring mutely as Jayne was rocking the baby. Mal stopped and stared as well as Jayne began rocking the baby slightly and singing in a surprisingly clear tenor.
Glory, glory Hallelujah!
Triple-tits will always screw ya!
Stick to boobies less peculiar!
And hang on to your balls!
The howling stopped abruptly and the baby peered up into the face of the big man. Jayne took this as a signal to sing the entire song, and launched into it with gusto, oblivious to the captain standing near him.
Did you ever hear the story of my trip to Bangalore?
I was young and kinda stupid and a frelling know-it-all,
It was there a met a girl who changed my life forever more,
A triple-breasted whore!
Horny, horny, wish that I'd stayed,
Far away from her on that day
Much too high the price that I paid,
But hey, she had three tits!
Well the locals tried to warn me but of course I didn't care,
When my eyes beheld that extra tit all I could do was stare,
I gave her all my platinum just so I could touch her there,
And in other places too!
Once, I thought it quite amazin'
We did stuff that made my head spin,
Now, I wish I'd stuck to wankin'
Three tits are just too much.
When I woke the morning after she was gone without a clue,
And I was left with only memories of a most amazing screw,
Then soon after that my scrotum started swelling and turned blue,
And my penis dropped right off.
Lovin' her was quite outrageous,
Now I hope I'm not contagious,
Anal itching is hellacious,
God Damn, it hurts to shit!
All you spacers heed my warning,
Careful when you go a-whoring,
Stick to shagging your own species,
Don't go to Bangalore!
The baby cooed for a moment and then, with a small burp, fell asleep in the mercenary's arms. The rest of the crew of Serenity stared in mute disbelief. Not only did Jayne know something about babies, Jayne could sing.
"I'm not sure that song was entirely appropriate for a child," Book finally said.
"It shut him up. I think it was a wonderful song. Jayne you are a marvel," Mal said beating a hasty retreat from the mess hall, need for coffee forgotten.
"I do feel a bit guilty about this," Zoe whispered.
"Why? I'm sure some nice couple will jump at the chance to raise a cute little pumpkin like this," Mal whispered back.
"Pumpkin? Sir, did you just call the baby.."
"Never you mind what I said, is the coast clear?"
"Yes," Zoe replied taking the basket from Mal and walking as nonchalantly as she could manage up to the door of the prosperous looking farmhouse. She deposited it softly on the step and then knocked loudly a few times. A dog started barking and she high-tailed it back to Mal and they both ran off into the dark and back to the Serenity.
25 years later.
"I'm afraid of tits. I have nightmares about a three-tittied whore stealing my penis. I can't even face the two tits of a normal woman. Tits are scary," the man stuttered as he spoke to the preacher who was counseling him.
"Now Seamus, you've got to get over this. Your mama and daddy want you to settle down and marry," Parson Bill soothed. "There aren't any women with three breasts here about. You'll be fine."
"I'm positive. Now you marry that sweet Mary Sue and have yourself a nice honeymoon on Bangalore."