AN: This is the best freakin idea that came to my mind while watching Harry Potter. No matter how much I love Harry Potter, I love my version because it's SOOO funny… to me anyway.

Disclaimer: I own my own sick perverted idea of this movie/book… nothing else.

Chapter 1

BOOM! Harry awoke to Dudley's fat ass running up and down the stairs. "Potter… we're… going… to… the…." Dudley faints because that was too strenuous an activity and crashes through the stairs onto Harry.

"That's how I love to wake up. Some fat ass cousin crushing my ribs."

Harry eventually rolls out from under Dudley after he notices Dudley's boner. "I know I'm hot, but that's just scary."

"Harry, go and check to see if my playboy came today." Aunt Petunia yelled.

"No it didn't" Harry answered.

"Damn, I'm gunna need to give a bad bad boy a spanking."

"Shit" said Harry, Dudley and Uncle Vernon in unison.

"Mrs. Slave? Let's go up stairs. There's some punishment to be paid." They sighed relief.

"Well, son, I hoped you liked your birthday gift. No birthday spanks."

"Yeah, dad, it's the best gift I've ever gotten."

So they don't go to the zoo and just run away to the beach house thing in the middle of a storm so that no one on Privet Drive could hear Petunia and Mrs. Slave moan… damn they're loud. Then Hagrid barges in.

"Well I haven't seen you since you was a baby Harry but you're quite smaller, particularly right in the groin."

"HEY!" Dudley yelled.

"I'm Harry…" He said proudly showing off his groin.

"Well that's nice." Hagrid said while looking at the lesbian action between Petunia and Mrs. Slave.

"Sorry, but who are you?" Harry asked.

"Shut the hell up, I'm watching some action here."

"Look, you fucking break into our shitty house. I think I deserve to know who the hell you are."

"Rubius Hagrid, keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts. Of course you know all about Hogwarts."

"No, don't you see this dazed look on my face."

"Well actually I was looking at your aunt… But didn't you wonder where you mom and dad learned it all?"

"Learned what?"

"You're parents were porn stars, Harry."

"Ok… So what am I?"

"Oh, well you're a porn star too."

"I-I'm a what?"

"A porn star, and a humping good one at that… humping… get it." imaginary audience laughs

"And how could you not be." Petunia finished her sex with Mrs. Slave "My perfect sister being who she was. Mother and father were so proud when she got her letter."

"You knew, you knew and you never told me."

"Oh like that's a conversation starter. 'Harry how was your day, by the way your parents were porn stars'."

"Come on all ready. I've wasted too much time explaining this whole porn thing to you already. We're late." Hagrid stated.

"Whatever, just get me out of this fucked up house." Harry answered.

"This is a house?"

So Harry leaves and goes to the leaky cauldron, which is actually porn shop/ stripper place/ prostitution/ bar/ child day care.

"Hiya Hagrid, usual I presume… two men and some wine. Wanna leave this little bloke at the child care center?"

"Hell yes… but we have lots to buy." Everyone ignores Harry because… they just do ok.

"Let's see… I still need… a dildo."

"Well you want Olivanders." Harry runs along and goes into the wand shop... I mean dildo shop.

"I was wondering when I'd be seeing you Ms. Anderson."

"Umm… who?" Harry asked.

"Pamela Anderson," Olivander explained. "But I guess she's not here yet."

"So can I get a dildo here or not."

"Fine… little fruit," he mumbled under his breath. "Try this one." Harry stares blankly, "Go on now, turn it on."

It didn't work so Harry tried out another… then the last one…

"Hmm… I wonder." Harry tries the dildo and it works. "Curious… very curious."

"What's curious?" Harry asked.

"I've remembered every dildo I've ever sold Mr. Potter." Blah blah blah, "It's curious that you should be destined that you should be destined for this dildo when it's brother… gave you that life long hard on. But it is clear that you are destined for great things… for he who must not be named did great things… terrible… but great………………… So how do you like the dildo?"

"Damn this is hot!" Harry stated.

"Yes, that's what all gay men say."

"I'm not gay."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"What's your boyfriend's name?"

"Dudley."

"See?"

"You suck!" Harry exclaimed.

"Harry," Hagrid said from outside, "Happy Birthday!"

"Gee Hagrid my own personal Mr. Slave! Though I would have preferred it to not look like golum… but thanks. So what's your name little fella."

"Dobby."

"Wait… you're not supposed to be here until the second book/movie."

"So?"

"Hagrid get me another Mr. Slave… NOW!"

AN: well that's it… and it only took me 3 hours (plus breaks and other shit like talking to people)… bet you could guess that though… more to come if I get reviews.